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Hi, I'm new here. I don't know where to start... I don't know if I'm doing this more for advice or to just get it out because it's killing me inside.

 

I guess I'll start from the beginning and try to keep everything in a nutshell as best I can, I apologize in advance for the length.

 

I met her 8 years ago (1997) on the school bus. I was a sophomore, she a freshman. It didn't take long before I noticed everyone picked on this innocent, sweet girl. All because of her name (I'll keep that private for now.) Needless to say (and without trying to sound arrogant) I put a stop to it. We became friends, and after a few weeks we dated. It was that way off and on throughout high school. By senior year, I realized that I had fallen in love with this girl. She found me to be her "Knight in Shining Armor" due to the bus incident, and we were happy as could be.

 

Well, of course high school drama got in the way. We broke up. I was devastated, and moved back to my home town Las Vegas to live with my Dad after I graduated. We didn't speak for two years. I thought of her everyday and my yearbook even has a crease from the amount of times I opened to the page with her picture.

 

Those two years came and went, my dad moved into a new house and I took over his old one as a tenant. In the later part of the year I found myself at my dad's house for Thanksgiving dinner. Just before we sat down I decided to check the e-mail I had on my dad's AOL account. I did this every so often to empty it, since it was nothing but spam anyway, and I was about to remove the e-mail address. Well, sure enough, there was an e-mail from her. As I was reading it she IM'd me, but since I was about to feast I couldn't really talk. So we exchanged numbers, I told her I would give her a call and then signed off. We talked for a few weeks on the phone and I decided that I'd make my way back to California to see her for her birthday.

 

I make it out there and see my family (My Mom & siblings still live there) and on her birthday she gives me a call in the late morning to decide on a place to meet. On my way to meet her in a parking lot of a local mom & pop restaurant, it starts to poor. I get there and she looks more beautiful than I ever remembered. We hug, exchange Christmas gifts, and decide to sit in my car to stay dry.

 

We talk about how our lives have been etc. ect. when I couldn't fight it anymore. I asked if I could kiss her. She said she didn't know, and when I began to turn away she thrust over and kissed me. It was heaven. After that I just held her in my arms as she rest her head on my shoulder... It was over an hour and yet it only felt like a second. I confessed to her about how I'd missed her the whole time we were apart, and she revealed the same.

 

So we dated for a few more weeks, and I asked her to marry me. She said yes, and we began a very trying long distance relationship. 280 miles apart for two years but we made it. She finished up her associates degree and moved in with me on New Years Eve of last year.

 

Things were great; we were in love as much as two people could be. It was her, myself, and a family friend I liked to call my uncle. Well, in February my Uncle had a stroke, and was in the hospital until May. For the time he was gone things were heaven. I mean, I was worried about my Uncle and everything but for the first time we had the house to ourselves and were free. Well, when he came back in May it began to cause problems between us. We were informed that he could take care of himself which couldn't have been further from the truth. He would make messes and not clean them up, including human waste. This stressed her out, since she felt like we were taking care of a child that wasn't ours.

 

So one Friday in July I head home from work, we were to see a minor league baseball game together just to get out of the house and we hadn't been on a date in a while. I come home and she tells me she's leaving. She packs most of her stuff and does leave to her parents in California. Saturday she comes back with her Dad and gets the rest of her stuff and leaves. About an hour later she calls in tears and says she is coming home, but we had to work on things.

 

We worked things out and began to move forward. My Dad informed us he wanted to sell the house so we needed to find another place to live (Sounds harsh, but it really wasn't). So we began trying to find a townhouse to buy together, which failed, so we decided to rent a house. I searched while I was at work and found a nice little house for a decent price so I e-mailed it to her. Turned out she had seen the same one already and had proceeded to call the number to view it. It close to our work, in a nice neighborhood, it was great. She was so excited when I said I'd fell in love with the place because she said she had too.

 

With everything on the home shopping front settled, she decided to go out to California to visit her family. She wanted me to come with, but I thought we’d be in Vegas for the weekend so I made an appointment to have my car dyno’d and I figured that way she could get a lot more shopping done (She has a pageant coming in Nov.) without me in her hair.

 

The landlord called her while she was out there and said he needed a deposit or someone else was going to take the place. I got pissed, because he told us we already had it, and that we would meet Friday to exchange money & keys. So I told her to call him and say we’d bring him $500 to take it off the market on Monday, to which he agreed.

 

When she came home the first thing she did was jump into my arms. We ran upstairs and were intimate. We talked about how much we missed each other etc... Things were great.

 

So now it's September 19th, we're to meet the guy representing the landlord to put down the deposit. We carpooled in the morning so I pick her up from work at 5 p.m. and find out the guy is having dinner and we're supposed to call him back at 6. Well, I wasn't going to sit around and wait for an hour so we started heading home. We stopped at a rite-aid to pick her up some medicine (she was coming down with a head cold) and then we get a hold of the guy. He tells us to meet him at cheyenne & the 215 freeway.

 

I didn't like that one bit, and expressed my concern to her, but she was so worried about finding a place she didn't care. We fought about it, but I ended up driving up there. When she saw where it was, she changed her mind (I mean, it's on the edge of the valley, nothing out there. The guy told us to pull off onto a dirt shoulder after the freeway onramp) and we drove to a gas station near by.

 

She was afraid to call him to cancel so I did it. I told him I wasn't comfortable meeting out here to exchange this kind of money ($500). I told him we'd be more than happy to meet him at the house, but I didn't know him and no way was I going to do this. He became irate, so we got into a yelling match. After we both calmed down we decided to meet the next morning at the house with the funds.

 

So we head home. I could see she was upset. It had been a long day, we argued pretty bad before, and then with the fight on the phone and all. She wouldn't talk about it in the car so we just drove home in silence.

 

We get home and I did my best to take care of her since she was getting sick. Then she dropped the bomb out of nowhere.

 

"I think we'd be better friends"

 

I can’t exactly describe the conversation following those six horrible words, but we still shared a bed that night and held each other, we even became intimate. After that I told her I would sleep on the couch to give her space. The rest of the week was pretty much that way.

 

I decided that I would go ahead and take the house we picked out together, because I thought this would blow over.

 

Tuesday I tried to fight it, and got nowhere. Wednesday the power went out and it scared her so we were pretty close for the night. We talked; I rubbed her back until she fell asleep. I kissed her forehead and found my bed on the couch. Thursday and Friday were pretty uneventful. I tried to talk her out of it some more, but it didn't do any good. In fact it only made it worse, to the point where Friday night (Our last night in the same house together) she was going to stay with a friend.

 

I backed off a bit, and stopped her from doing that, and we went to Wal-Mart together since she was going to need stuff for her new apartment. We had a great time, since she was really tight on money I helped her out and paid for the stuff she needed. After that we went back to the house and packed up.

 

This is where I get confused. Before I get into it, I need to say that just about everything in that house was mine before we were together. All of the furniture, the televisions etc... The food I bought, so on and so forth.

 

She thought I was going to be a * * * * * and send her off with nothing but her personal belongings. I could never do that to her. I pulled an all nighter packing stuff up while she went to sleep. We had already discussed that I would give her a TV and one of the night stands, but that was all. The last thing I did that night was pack the pantry. I packed the stuff I knew she didn't like, and left the stuff for her that was vice versa. The stuff we both liked, I split in half.

 

When she came downstairs in the morning and I showed her, she welled up with tears and asked why I was so good to her. I replied because I love you. I can't stand to see her cry so I opened my arms to hug her. Our hands met, and she reached up with my hand in hers and touched my face softly as we held each other for a moment.

 

She pulled away and left to get her apartment keys, and I began loading up the truck my dad brought for the move. We made a couple trips and when I saw her again she mentioned that she didn't mean anything by touching my face and she shouldn't have done it. Cool, more confusion.

 

The rest of the move goes pretty uneventfully. It was hard, I hadn't eaten in over a week and I was not exactly full of energy. I pull another all nighter unpacking just so I could be done with it. She had her family help her move so they stayed with her and helped her unpack.

 

They left Sunday afternoon, and she called in tears Sunday evening, around 8. I asked her why she was crying and she said it was because she didn't get a chance to say goodbye. I told her everything would be ok and if it was time and space she needed then I would give it to her. Then she said,

 

"Can I tell you something and you promise not to take it out of context?" I told her sure, and she told me she missed me. In my head I'm thinking how the hell is there a way to take that out of context? But I simply replied that I missed her too. This happened for the next few days and on Wednesday we saw each other to exchange some stuff I accidentally took that was hers. We met at Wal-Mart, and she had to pick up a couple things. So I accompanied her, and we decided to get a bite together. We talk about our days and such since the move, and go to her car. I put in some wiper fluid for her, and she remembers that she wanted to look at cd's, and offers to go together.

 

So we head back into Wal-Mart and look around at stuff. She showed me the coffee & end table set her parents bought her, she browsed and picked out a phone, and then we looked at cd's for about an hour. We talked about feelings some more and she said she never really saw us getting married. I didn't believe it for a second; I'd post up some letters she wrote me while we were in different states but they're personal. The more we talked about it the more it seemed she was trying to convince herself this was the right thing to do.

 

I told her she was my soul mate, and she said I was hers too. I asked how that could be with everything going on and she said that two people could be soul mates without being in love. I'll have another order of confusion please, and make this one to go.

 

Well, now it's been almost two weeks since I heard her voice, and it's killing me. Before the break up happened I ordered her the Cinderella Platinum DVD as a "Just Because" gift, She collects everything Disney. So I e-mailed her Wednesday to schedule a time to give it to her, and she said she'd feel bad taking it after everything that happened. I tried to reassure her it was ok, that no matter the current situation I wanted her to have it, but she still felt guilty.

 

Now I’m on day four of NC… I miss her so much... She was the best part of me. My rock, my whole world. We planned on being wed in March of 2006, and having a family in our late twenties (I'm 22 now; she's 20, soon to be 21).

 

We built our lives together. I don't know what’s worse, the pain of how much I miss her and want her back in my life, or the unknown. For the last 3 years I've made decisions for our future, not my own. Now that it's gone, I have no idea what to do with my life. I've thought about the army, but I would never be able to forgive myself knowing that I'd just be doing it to run away.

 

I've cried everyday for the last three weeks... I thought it would get easier with time but it doesn't. It only gets harder. I try to busy myself with other things, I work out, have been focusing really hard on the things she didn't like about me, like my temper, and how rude/sarcastic I can be to people. I almost quit smoking but it got me back. I'm going to try that again next week.

 

Nothing works. In her mind I'm doing these things just to bring her back. I'd be lying if I said that wasn't part of it. But I'm also doing this to be a better person. Since the move I haven't lost my temper once. I don't go out as much so I can't really say about the rudeness/sarcasm, but the times I have been out, it's gone.

 

My biggest fear is we won't see each other enough for her to see these changes in me. She's made me a better person... I still wear the ring she gave me… I don’t know why but every time I try to take it off I just can’t… I feel like I’m dying inside. It’s all I can do to make it to work and back each day. Weekends I sit at home alone. Thinking about things I could have done to prevent this from happening... I feel like a part of me is missing.

 

I guess Richard Marx said it best. “I will be right here waiting for you.” I’m on day four of “No Contact” and I don’t know how much longer I can go. It’s been two weeks since we talked on the phone, since I heard her beautiful voice.

 

 

Any advice/insight is greatly appreciated… It feels a little better to have gotten it all out, even though it brought me to tears yet again.

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Hello,

 

Well, certainly a long story, but I'm an aspiring writer so....I want to just focus on the soulmate issue- it may sound confusing, but what she said actually makes sense.

 

Astrology is a "serious" hobby of mine & someone I met through astrolgy also told me that we have more thn one soulmate in life that teaches something, that helps us grow... some lessons our soulmate teaches us are difficult. That doesn't mean that there aren't fun, silly moments. I think they key to "soul" mates is the connection that extends beyond physical- you didn't see her for a number of years, yet she was always there in your mind- thats invaluable. Considering all the shallow connections we have day in & day out. This goes beyond looks-physical attraction-lust-those connections fade in time until another preoccupies you. I know words will not make you feel better. My bf cried months over his 8-year ex who left him. Like you, he wanted to marry jer- they were highschool sweethearts...eventually he realized that she did him a favor. Unfortunately, he is still very angry & sometimes things he sees her when we are out in the city-

 

You may not understand how you feel like you are soulmates, but she doesn't reciprocate your love. In a sense your love is unrequited, which I am sure is very confusing, resentlful, & once the pain subsides, you may actually resent her. Its only natural. But, not let negative emotions of pain & hurt turn you against one of your soulmates.

 

She acknolwledged she was your soulmate, she is your friend first & foremost- in HS, you were there for her (you saved her in a sense) and she was there for you- physically & emotionally.

 

You may feel like you went through all of these things with her & now she doesn't want the same things a syou anymore. She wants to take a different direction, but not with you. I know it makes no sense, you may never really understand everything unless you ask her. It seems that she has made up her mind & there is not much you can do than execpt what she feels if you truly love her.

 

I guess NC is harder for the person that still wants to be with the other (the rejected one, if you will). Don't even look as this as a rejection although it wounded your heart & ego- time is the only healer. I ahve no doubt in my mind this woman is/was your soul mate. However, the soul is not bound by chains, it can never be owned by another & once in awhile it must be set free.

 

Maybe she will be the one to return to you when you have found someone else. Not too many people find even one soul mate- but you have, embrace that- no matter how much it hurts you, love her as you always did, but don't use that love as a way to entrap her. Things may work out with her or someone who is better suited for you. Cry all you want. Just don't become bitter for future relationships. You seem like a good person. I've seen resentment eat away at people & when some good comes along, they don't even see it & its a vicious cycle...be strong, be bold, be different & hang in there. Take care

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The important thing right now is to move on. Don't just wait around for her; as hard as it is to do, you need to get on with your life, start realizing that she is no longer the center of your life.

 

Focus on becoming a better person, if that helps you. But don't focus on being a better person with the silent hope that she'll see these changes and want to come back to you. Her decision appears to be made, and if you truly love and respect her, you'll let her go. If it's meant to be (sorry for the cliche), it will happen, but not now. Give her the time and space she needs. For now, work on yourself and do things that make you happy.

 

Just realize the reality of the situation you're in. Don't live on that dying hope that this will blow over. Accept that, as harsh as it may sound. It's for your own benefit to not dwell on this. Don't let this loss ruin you. Focus on finding yourself, the person you are without her, and make decisions for the future based on your own well being.

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