do online dating sites really work?

[yeawutever]

Unless it's cuz I never posted a picture, don't have a cam yet, though I'm planning to get it.

[LookingforLuv2]

If you are trying to meet a man, it helps to have a picture. It also helps to have a great profile written. There are profiles that are not good at describing the person's best qualities. What else does the reader have to work with other than what they see in the profile? Nothing. They do not have anyone telling them.."Oh you should see her in person, she looks really cute..more so than in the picture" or vice versa for a man. All they have is the picture on the profile as well as what the person said about themselves. And if they are not good at selling themselves, well they may end up not being contacted by someone who could very well have been a great match for them all the long..but there was no way to have known that fact..because neither took the time to get to know the other via online dating.

[cenkbut]

Unless it's cuz I never posted a picture

 

That's the point. You dont have to be super hot, just if you want online dating to work 4 u, you must upload a picture..

[tommyJ]

Hi - Try link removed

 

I met my bf for 2 years on there.

 

TommyJ

[RescueDiver]

I've been doing the online dating thing for a LOOOONG time. Basically since link removed was created. I'm obviously still single though so you won't ever see me on one of their commercials. I'm one of their "failure" stories. Anyway here's what I've found out...

 

When I first started with link removed back in '96 they offered all charter memebers free lifetime memberships. I never thought I would need it THIS LONG but oh well. Anyway, back in the early days the pickings were very VERY slim. There were few women to choose from and even fewer had pictures posted which meant a lot of blind dates. Worse still the quality of the online dating population was very poor. Since online dating hadn't become mainstream yet you pretty much just had women that were really into the IT industry or really couldn't get dates any other way. I ran into a lot of women those first few years with serious mental issues of one sort or another. Around 2000 it started getting better. There's a lot more mainstream women (and men) now I think so that's improved the overall quality of the people on these sites.

 

Oh, and by the way, I've used link removed, Lavalife, AmericanSingles, link removed, Yahoo, FriendFinder, Tickle, and eHarmony. link removed is BY FAR the best at least in terms of variety. eHarmony seems to have a nice matching system and it works well in theory, but they just don't have the userbase to make it work yet. Yahoo probably has the largest user population but it's FILLED with fake profiles and people who are just looking for people to chat with so that really limits your results. The others basically have neat little features, or might have a few different people but from what I've seen is that most people rotate through link removed at some point.

 

Okay, by now you're wondering "this obviously hasn't worked for you because you're still single, so what's the catch?" Here's the problems I've found with online dating.

 

One. There seems to be a "candy store" attitude. Meaning that you may start communicating with someone and then it'll fall off because they'll see someone else they think they'll like better. If that falls off then they might come back to you, or they might not. There's a lot of prioritizing going on so remember that. It's very rare that people will only contact one person at a time (but more on that later).

 

Two. There seems to be a lot of women (maybe men too, but I wouldn't know) using this form of dating during the rebound. I've had no less than three women I've dated from these sites go back to their ex-boyfriends shortly after starting a relationship or starting to date me. (Wise- *CENSORED* *CENSORED* *CENSORED* remarks about me being the cause of this will be ignored). I have also found several that get cold feet beyond date three and figure out that they're really not ready to be dating, ready for exclusive dating, or a relationship. Sadly enough these are often the same women that spend a good portion of their "essay" talking about being sick of games and wanting a relationship and so on and so forth.

 

Three. Since you're talking to, meeting, etc... several people at once there can be some severe dilemmas involved. I've run into this a few different times on both sides. I have had women have to chose between me and some other guy at some point after feelings start to develop. I've had to choose between two or more women because I find that I like them both for different reasons. That is NEVER an easy decision for me. Simply put, make sure you find out if the other person is dating anyone other than just you before you start to develop feelings for them. If you're starting to develop feelings, you'd better find out.

 

Those have been the "real" issues I've had. The big thing people worry about I think is that people are sometimes "different" online than they are in person. Yes, that happens to a point, but you have to be flexible with that and understand that it's easy to be more confident when you have the Internet separating you. And yes, I have had people lie about their bodies and appearances... but that's only happened once really. I haven't had any problems with people lying about relationship status (saying they're single when they really aren't) but that may be more something women have to watch out for.

 

Everyone is going to be a little different, but I have found that the same people I feel I have connected with via IM (Yahoo, MSN, AIM, etc..) are the same ones I really connect with in person. My two best experiences lately have been with a couple of women where my first IM conversation with one was over 5 hours long (and I just hopped on to say "hi" and let them know who I was when I added them to my contacts). The second gal and I would literally talk all day while she was at work (and I was off from the Fire Department) and all evening when she got home. In both cases our phone conversations were similar in that we never seemed to run out of things to talk about. When I finally met the first gal we hit it off immediately, but she was one of the ones that got cold feet after date 2. The latter gal and I literally talked for 24 hours straight (with maybe three hours off when be both crashed at 6 AM) on our first date. We went on four more dates after that one. Unfortunately she was one of the gals that ended up going back to her ex. Both of these gals at some point during our IM conversations said they felt like we'd known each other years because they felt so comfortable talking to me. If you hear that, it's a sign that you should probably meet.

 

Some of the nice things about online dating...

 

First, pretty much everyone you're looking at is single (other than a few isolated incidents). In the traditional dating world this has always been a major problem with me because I'll get to know some girl, find out we have a lot in common, a connection, whatever... only to find out she's already in a relationship. So online dating has been great for overcoming that issue.

 

Second, it's a lot easier to find someone you actually have something in common with before you have to strike up that conversation. Meaning you have something to talk about right away as opposed to using some corny pickup line in a bar. Being able to communicate impersonally also lets you get to know one another without the pressures of being in person.

 

Some tips for those who want to try this, or who are trying it without much luck.

 

First, as cenkbut said, YOU ABSOLUTELY MUST upload a picture. If you don't, it looks like you're hiding something. I don't even look at profiles without pictures and I don't respond to comminications that don't have them. It's not because I'm shallow, it's because I don't like surprises when it comes to this. Finding out someone is fantastically beautiful on your first date can be just as detrimental as finding out they are hideously ugly. If you're afraid to post your picture because you're afraid co-workers, friends, family might find out then you need to evaluate why you're doing online dating. Do you really want to lie about where you met the person? Some people will not display a photo, but will send it upon request. That's a little better, but that makes me feel awkward if I find them unattractive. Because then I have to say sorry, not interested. I'm not hung up on looks, but I do look at the "whole package", looks, personality, etc.

 

Second, DON'T LIE! You don't have to act like you're going to confession, but don't tell people what you think they want to hear.

 

Third, don't act like online dating is Taboo. Phrases like "my friends made me do this" or "I thought I would try this" or "tired of the bars" etc... We don't care, plus it makes us (meaning your potential matches) feel unworthy already. Online dating is nothing to be ashamed of.

 

Fourth, for men, your success rate will probably be... oh, maybe 1 in 15 women that you contact will reciprocate. The way the breakdown went with me a few months ago is I winked at/e-mailed approximately 60 women. I got winks back from maybe 6 of them. All of which I e-mailed back and forth for a bit. 2 fell off right away due to distance or other concerns. I ended up IM'ing with three of the remaining four. Felt I had a connection with two of them. Those two I went on first dates with. The one I ended up choosing was the one I talked the most on IM with as a matter of fact.

 

Anyway, your results may vary so take all of this with a grain of salt.

[Fender]

Assuming you are a guy, would these really work? I've been hearing stories where the male-to-female ratio for most of these sites are about 7 to 1. Even worse, most male posters seem to get little or no responses at all.

Yes, there is a serious ratio problem, which gives some unattractive women big heads even. I did have a few real dates (a real date means that she takes you serious enough to be intimate...here comes the flaming from other posters!). Even though I hooked up 4 times in 2 years, meaning a "real date," I just couldn't believe how women who were not near my level of physical appearance would ignore me. In real life it didn't work that way for me. Instead of being on trial all the time, what I did was sign up to American Singles for 2 months then half a year later I'd sign onto link removed. I got sick of how the playing field being so skewed that I pretty much retired from internet dating. So I'd say that internet dating should be tried out here and there for a few months for males, but that it's a one-sided dating market and spending too much time on it could weaken real world pickup/dating skills.

[Fender]

I am in a year long relationship with a man I met online who I am just nuts about.

Good for you. Unlike the male who asked, you had the ratio in your favor, and its good to hear that it worked out for you.

 

As a male I've got to say that online dating is a raw deal for men. Not to say that they can't get something out of it, I did here and there. But in this numbers game, the gender disparity has created a breed of women with a ridiculous laundry list mentality. Who needs to have their self-esteem plummet due to Ms. Queen Ego? It's my opinion that men should try online dating here and there, but not be signed on a dating site or dating sites for years.

[dreamweaverdude]

Well as a 46-year-old male I have come to the conclusion that most of the online dating sites are nothing more ways for people (primarily women) to get there ego's stroked by looking at all the winks.....

 

I've been trying a few for the last few months and i've met 2-3 women in that time, but most (90% Plus) won't even acknowledge you more or less reply positively... You dont even get a 'thank for looking' reply.

 

Now dont get me wrong.. I know i'm 46 and not a HOT commodity but i'm no dog either. But my reaction to the link removed, link removed, link removed... about all the same..... ripoffs.......

 

And be careful if you quit, and then peek back in to see if anyone has responded, you'll always find one..... still believe these site has peeople that do nothing but lead others on...... for the glory of the almighty $$$.

 

I"m not saying there isn't some real people looking for real relationships, there are. Just don't get your hopes up for it working very well. It might be a godsend for women, but for men...... i'm not impressed.

[RescueDiver]

I think I'd have to agree with you there dude. The vast majority of the time what seems to happen is I take a gal out on a couple of really nice wonderful dates... and then poof, they vanish citing either some obscure reason about not being ready or no reason at all. Hence they got a guy to treat them like a queen for a couple of dates so they instantly assume they can do better or go after the big fish.

 

 

You're obviously seeing the "candy store" effect... I think women get on there and get it in their heads that they're "shopping" for their next boyfriend and leads them to being super picky.

 

I've seen lately about the same success rate as you, maybe less... maybe 6 out of the last 100 winks/emails I've sent out have gotten a favorable response. And out of those 6 all have failed... still working on one though.

[cenkbut]

Rescuediver, very nice and informative post. Are you interested in writing articles? If yes, send me a PM.

[ShySoul]

Online dating is a risk just like regular dating. You can get 100 winks and nothing can work out. Or you can get 1 wink and meet the person of your dreams. Just like in real life, you can meet 100 potential dates, and nothing works. Or you meet 1 person and its love forever. It's random and comes down to how well the two of you click and if you are both really ready and wanting something serious. Online you can run into people who are out to get their ego stroked and who aren't serious. Same in real life. Just seems worse online because being annoymous to start can help make it easier to build up a fantasy and the perfect situation of finding the love of your life and everything being perfect.

 

I think the best way is to just look for friends, online or in real life. If something blooms from there, go for it. If not, you won't be as disappointed.

[PRSOV]

I don't really go the online dating thing, it's just like a backup I guess. A lot of people lie on their profiles... Every time I have used them I end up getting hurt or it ends in a disaster.

[flbk8597]

Yes they do work, but you probably need the eloquence of a poet to charm any girl, and the game is played differently as well; looking a stud won't necessarily mean they will like you. On dating sites women care more about what you say than what you look like, and it pays to step quick - when dating sites first started off it was probably an easy way to connect and meet with women, but now there are too many people using it, it's not the golden ticket to meet the person of your dreams. Fortune favours the bold so the saying goes; if you don't start getting into something early, then too many people will be shortly doing the same thing, the once advantagous thing is no longer since too many people are jumping into the band wagon.

[schaser]

Assuming you are a guy, would these really work? I've been hearing stories where the male-to-female ratio for most of these sites are about 7 to 1. Even worse, most male posters seem to get little or no responses at all.

 

So for all the guys out there who have tried out these sites, were these really effective in the sense that you met a lot of other different people? Any great sites that you guys recommend?

 

I've found personally that Facebook is a good place to meet women. Seriously.

 

Over the past month or so, I've struck up a rapport with three different women and we chat regularly now. I even talk to one of them on the phone now and again and I want to meet her and get to know her better.

 

Besides, part of the point of social networking websites is for people to meet other people. So I see no reason why Facebook, Myspace, Bebo, etc. cannot be used to seek out new female friends or even more.

[mgirl]

Lastly, were any of you embarrassed to post a picture and afraid that someone you know might find out and think you're desperate?

 

I posted a picture and didn't really care if anybody thought i was 'desperate'. They can think what they like. I also had to deal with the fact that people i work with, and people i know would have seen my picture there and known what i was doing.

 

The way i handled it was this: i gave scant information about myself. I kept the profile light and fun. This kind of worked against me though, because i don't think i filtered people out. Eg, i didn't go into my likes and dislikes enough, because i didn't want work people etc. knowing how i really felt about things. Maybe i should have left my picture off and been more honest about myself, but i had made a conscious decision to be upfront and include my pic. And, real name when messaging.

 

The end result? I don't regret putting my picture up there, but i should have stipulated from the start, "please include pic, will only answer profiles with pics". When you are messaging with somebody without a pic, it's unfair. You are putting yourself out there, and they continue to hide behind a screen.

 

I think the answer lies in putting your pic up and being really selective in who you respond to. Be curt, be polite at the start and don't give too much away unless you are sure the person will continue to message with you. It's not a very nice feeling knowing you have revealed things about yourself, only to never hear from that person again. It just gets frustrating.

 

You may even want to stipulate "will only answer profiles with pics", or "only message me if you're seriously looking". That sort of thing.

[CakeLove]

Gosh...online dating. Men can say that it only works for the women..but seriously...many men are there just for casual hook-ups...or even married and just wanting a "no strings" fling.

 

One has to be a thinking person who can discern between players of both sexes, and someone "playing in the candy store". It goes both ways. And the time to find that out is when you meet face to face.

 

I have met a few men who were completely physically attractive and knew it...one had more than several women on a chain...(including myself briefly) and the other was actually looking for someone for forever (he was awesome...but I wasn't in the running, and I knew it right off...) I respected him more for that...than the one who was using females..and their silly hopes against them.

 

I met my husband on a dating site. We were both tired of the stupid games,perhaps it was just a case of right time, right place...who knows. I am still mad for him. There are LOTS of shallow, player, idiots out there...but there are a choice few who are worthy of your time. Don't give up too soon.

[Jon1973]

I would say that online dating does work! I met my partner through okcupid, which I think is one of the best dating sites. (ok, I am biased!)

 

One site that I would advise you to avoid is plenty of fish - it's notorious for being a site for people that play around. Plus I found some absolute nutbags on there.

 

As far as posting a profile goes, then I would say be ABSOLUTELY honest about yourself and inject some humour into it as well, but don't 'waffle' too much - keep it punchy, concise and interesting. Be wary of profiles where the user has little or no information about themselves. I trawled through numerous profiles where all they put for interests, or the 'about me' section was "ask me". In my opinion, they are either just on the site for a bit of attention, or they just plain couldn't be bothered filling in the other details: not a good indication of someone who is really, genuinely looking for a relationship - you shouldn't go into anything half-hearted!

 

Also, best not to e-mail loads of ladies at once - just in case you do get a response from nearly all of them, it could be a bit overwhelming. Find 2 or 3 that really, REALLY, capture your interest. Less is more

[r0ckox]

I've been on/off with dating sites for years. I've never had any luck no matter how I re-word my profile. I've had 50 different "types" of profiles out there.

 

It's becoming more and more certain that most (*MOST*) women on dating sites are just as shallow as men, so if you don't fit the criteria of what that means, odds are you won't get a response, or will get a cheesy one in which she has no intent of ever meeting.

 

But I'm a little biased because I've been at it for years and have had absolutely zero luck. I continue to grind at it, though.

[Sportster2005]

One of the sites brag that 20% of new relationships happen online. Put another way 80% of relationships happen offline. The numbers don't lie.

 

Personally I think you should you view them as another tool in your toolkit.

 

As a male prepare yourself for a very high rejection rate. If you take not getting replies back personal you are not going to have a good time. If you can just shrug it off and soldier on you will meet some great women. There is a lot of nonsense on these sites. Don't let that get you down and bitter. Stay positive and have fun.

[Thorshammer]

My current girlfriend i met on pof. Before her, my ex i met on myspace. I have met many women on sites, my recent ex almost led to marriage.

[Synerjist]

I need some advice from the Thormaster... you seem to be doing okay. Me, not so much.

[Thorshammer]

I need some advice from the Thormaster... you seem to be doing okay. Me, not so much.

 

Eh, not as of today. She might be getting the "speech" tonight, aka "the axe'.

[Synerjist]

^

Ahhh... I see... sorry to hear that. At least you're gettin' replies I guess... maybe most women are on dating sites for a reason.