Confused, and wish to retain dignity....

[dave_1966]

About a year ago a close female friend who I had not seen for a couple of years called me out of the blue. I had not seen her because my ex, who I had split with, felt very threatened by her presense (that's another story though.)

 

The female friend, who I shall refer to as Ellen, called and arranged to meet to catch up on things. Ellen was having a affair with a married man behind her boyfriends back, and needed someone to talk to. She was being used by the married man, and having known Ellen 10 years I was able to explain to her exactly how she was being used. Her affair ended very predictably and I was proven right. Her boyfriend was working abroad, and got wind of what had happened. I told her to come clean and try to repair things with him. Over a period of several months I started spending a lot of time with her, being careful not to get too close for obvious reasons. She's very attractive and I knew I had to be careful with myself. Her relationship with her boyfriend was being eroded by her infidelity with the married man, and culminated with her being dumped by him and being told that he had a new girlfriend. That was 2 or 3 months ago. She didn't seem to acknowledge her role in the breakdown, and was very upset by effectively losing both men in a very short spell of time. I've always felt close to her, and started spending weekends with her to help her get back on track. I naturally started to develop feelings for her, pinching myself not to get TOO close. We've been sleeping in the same bed, no sex, but I've been waking up with her draped around me. I took the view that I did not want to get sexually involved until her head had cleared. This has been going on for a couple of months, and I've enjoyed a certain level of intimacy with her. We went away for a city break to Italy a few weeks ago and I really enjoyed it. I feel that I've been floating around in this void between friendship and relationship, but I haven't wanted to rush it along and just let it develop at its own pace. I've basically been nursing her I guess.

 

Anyway, I noted her calls becoming less frequent a week or so ago and took the view that I'm not going to chase her. I would just be one of several guys chasing her if I did. The problem is that I think I do have feelings for her, not full blown love, but feelings none the less. I'm self employed, and she uses me to do work at the firm where she works. I'm currently working at her firm, and today she took the unusual step of asking me out to lunch with her and I figured there was significance to this. She told me that she had met a nice guy, that she didn't know if she should go for it with him or not as she says she still doesn't feel ready for a relationship and didn't want to hurt HIM. She was telling me this because she knew that her co-workers would be asking about him in front of me, clearly.

 

I'm slap in the middle of a well paid contract with her firm, and she then preceded to ask me if I fancied going to the cinema on Saturday night with her (presumably because Mr New is not around, or possibly with his wife). I'll be back at her firm Monday. I don't know whether what we have/had constitutes anything at all in her mind, and don't want to mess up things with her firm either. I would have gone out on Saturday night and naturally slept with her afterwards, but now feel the notion of that ludicrous.

 

The other thing that bothers me is that if she's with this other guy and it explodes in her face again she'll be back on the phone asking me to put her back together, something I've just spent the last 3 months doing. Does what happened between us justify me being angry, or should I act like I don't care? I actually find it a bit emasculating to be honest. It feels like a delicate situation to me, and I really need some good advice on how to play her, the weekend, and not losing work out of it.

 

Any advice welcome....we're both in our 30s by the way.

[Beec]

Well, I think you sound like you emasculated yourself a long time ago. You slept with her and acted like you were not interested at all in her body, I'd bet. And snip, snip, snip, there went your balls. I'm not saying you had to bust a move, but you should have made darn sure that a vision of her and you doing he wild thing was not soemthing disagreeable.

 

Why would you want this woman anyway? She sounds about as shallow emotionally and the sheen on the driveway when it has rained than stopped and all the water run away. There is no depth to her water.

 

And doing something with her, would risk how much of the contract?

[dave_1966]

So, how do I play the weekend? Do I opt out, or go along and make my exit early? I've got to work with her on Monday.

[heloladies21]

This chick is out her mind. I would never put my business at jeapordy for some chick. Drop the case for now. What are you getting out of this whole situation anyway? I would understand somewhat if you were sexing her...

[DN]

Why do you want to put yourself at risk of getting involved with a woman who likes to have affairs with married men, cheats on her boyfriend, uses you as a friend while she is seeing other men and whom you work with?

[dave_1966]

Thanks guys, but do I see her on the Saturday night, or not? I want to walk away with dignity, and at the same time not jeopardise my work. Over the next week I'll be gently removing her needy ways out of my life, it's the short term that's the problem.

[heloladies21]

You don't owe her anything, you're not her bf! Make up an excuse for saturday. Say something else came up. At work, don't talk about her problems, have some small talk, then excuse yourself to do your work.

[Beec]

Well, you have basically put yourself in the position of being the neutered male friend, consider yourself in have placed your butt in her life as her "gay" friend, whether you are or are not. You can go and act like the friend, but nothing more.

 

If you wanted her, I might make comments in her direction that she is not good enough for you, but that is dangerous.

 

I might also make comments around her about some other woman being a hot piece of tail, so to speak. This would be a decent step back in the direction of her thinking that you have testicles.

[dave_1966]

Well, I had the pleasure of working today at her company. I made no effort to speak to her tho she did come over a few times to make small talk. There was a slightly uneasy silence when we were working alongside each other, and I think she's aware I'm not impressed. Before I left she said she'd call tomorrow regarding seeing a film in the evening, which I really don't want to do. If I do go out with her tomorrow, I want to sit down in a restaurant and explain that I'm not happy or comfortable with the way she talks to me and treats me (basically as a substitute gay male friend). Seeing as she has to write my purchase orders out on Monday for work I've done, I feel I can't rock the boat too much. My intention is to phase her out slowly to the status of regular work colleague over the next few weeks, and see what she makes of it. Is this the right course of action? A womans advice would be interesting!