Hurts like hell

[Fantasy_]

Im so depressed. Last nite I went out with my girls and I smsed my bf telling him so. I got home and messaged him telling him i got home ok. He calls me up in the morning and tells me how he feels, he basically said he was pissed off that I went out without him, he got jealous!! and on top of that he said that he believes that i am the one for him but he is so worried his going to lose me, he thinks that he loses everything wonderful in his life, eg his degree at uni, his friends etc and now his worried bout me. He also gets jealous really quickly

I honeslty feel so sorry for him

I like him but not as much as he loves me, I just got over my x, and its hard on me...espeacilly coz it was an abusive relationship.

 

I feel like im under so much pressure, I have been so down lately, even going out with my friends didnt help me (it always cheers me up 2 be with my girls). How do I handel this??? What can I do to stop what im feeling, it hurts so much!!

[karvala]

This is one of the hardest things I've ever to had to write, and you'll perhaps see why in a moment.

 

I am on the other side of the fence at this very moment. My (ex?)gf stopped responding to my calls a few days ago (and I've now stopped making them, happily), after we seemed to be fine the day before, because in reality I had been putting pressure on her after she began to have some doubts about the relationship. She is the one for me (and previously at least told me I was the one for her), but I have got jealous when she slept with another guy (understandably, I thought), it provoked my underlying insecurity, and the end result is that it took on an obsessive feel in the last couple of weeks, and probably this was largely responsible for her sudden disappearance (she's alright; I checked with her parents, so it's not anything other than choosing not to talk to me).

 

From what you've written, I imagine your bf feels rather like I have been feeling, though not through anything wrong that you've done I should emphasise.

 

Now here's the almost impossible part for me to write, given how I'm currently feeling myself, and I'm far from allowing myself to feel certain about this, but if I'm honest, somehow believe it's right. And it's this: you cannot be with him, or force yourself to be with him, or give into him beyond what you regard as reasonable and can explain as reasonable to him, no matter what the pressure, or how sorry you feel for him. He needs help, as do I (and have been getting, and will continue to get for as long as I can), to get past his insecurity, so that if you do have a loving relationship with him, it's based on mutual respect, love, happiness, not pity or guilt.

 

It's a vicious circle you'll be in at the moment, the more he feels rejected, the harder he'll cling, and the more you'll want to keep your distance, and the more he'll feel rejected etc.. He's scarcely in a position to change it at the moment because of the strength of his feelings, but perhaps you are. Show him as much love as you think is reasonable, thereforeeee, and don't unnecessarily provoke him, and be patient if you can, but above all don't be drawn into spending more time with him or showing more love to him than you are comfortable with, and feel is reasonable, or it will simply heighten the obsession. Meanwhile, try to get him help if you can, and where possible, reward his good behaviour (times when he doesn't show jealousy, and lets you go out with your friends without behaving badly), so that he may begin to learn to get past it.

 

Above all, it isn't anyone's fault, and certainly not yours. It's his insecurity and fear of abandonment that's the issue. With your help, but not your surrender, it may be possible for you two to get past it, and perhaps then you'll find you love him more, as he clings to you less. Good luck.

[Fantasy_]

I really appricate you writing back karvala, I want to be with him, but times like this, it makes me question myself if i really do want to be with him... What would happen if I spoke to him about it? How do you think he would react? Like did ur x confront you abut it...and if so how did you react to it?

 

Meanwhile, try to get him help if you can, and where possible, reward his good behaviour (times when he doesn't show jealousy, and lets you go out with your friends without behaving badly)

karvala, How do i do this? Im not sure what you mean when you said to reward him.

 

Once again, thank you, i really appricate the reply.

[Miss M]

Fantasy,

people often end up in abusive relationships because they tend to feel unreasonably guilty and obligated. And it sounds like your current relationship is also more about guilt, obligation, pressure, than it is about love. Those who are capable of producing these feelings in you are especially attracted to you and you to them. That's what Karvala is trying to explain to you. Karvala is bravely trying to say what it's like from the perspective of the person who is trying to control you, and why you shouldn't put up with it.

 

The reason you're feeling depressed and miserable and pressured is because even though you do feel obligated, at some level you also know you're being mistreated and manipulated in a way that isn't good for you. If you haven't done anything wrong, then you aren't responsible for your bf's jealous feelings... only he is responsible for how he feels. And you can't make him feel less jealous by changing your behavior and neither should you try. Your painful feelings are trying to tell you that something isn't right here, that you're being pressured to take responsibility that isn't yours, that you're being asked to limit your activity in a way that isn't fair to you. Listen to your feelings and honor them. Take time out for yourself, and get in touch with how you feel. Don't hesitate to own your feelings and be wary of anyone who suggests that you should dismiss them. And also don't be afraid to stand your ground with your bf. If you seem to have trouble doing this, get some counseling. It's often very difficult to work through this kind of thing without some help.

 

Good luck.

 

 

And Karvala, I commend your courage also. And thanks.

[karvala]

I really appricate you writing back karvala, I want to be with him, but times like this, it makes me question myself if i really do want to be with him... What would happen if I spoke to him about it? How do you think he would react? Like did ur x confront you abut it...and if so how did you react to it?

 

It depends partly on his frame of mind at the time, and partly how you raise it. If you do so in a gentle, loving fashion first, talking about how you'll get help for it together whilst still saying that is a problem, I hope that will get him to at least admit to the problem, without a nasty confrontation.

 

If he feels threatened, though, or thinks it's an attempt for you to distance yourself, he may react badly; it depends how much he's already admitted it to himself. If he does, to be honest, the way to force the issue then in my experience, although it will be tough on you both and perhaps especially him, is to actually make him think you're going to leave him, i.e. play on his desperation to finally force him down to a root level of honesty, and he'll then face up to it. I know it sounds bad, and it's a brutal thing to do, but it's ultimately for both your benefits. Hopefully, though, it won't come to that.

 

karvala, How do i do this? Im not sure what you mean when you said to reward him.

 

Once again, thank you, i really appricate the reply.

 

Well the reward thing comes out of a lesson that I've learned the hard way a few times, and I don't guarantee it will work if it's the first time he's had to deal with this issue, but it's worth a go. I remember when I became to an extent obessive with someone, and really afraid of losing them, that after a very bad situation in which I thought I had, I was allowed to come back on essentially a last chance. After that, I tried to get overcome the problem by making a virtue out of being relaxed and non-jealous, as though it was a good achievement, something to be proud of, and something which strengthened the relationship. It was incredibly hard to do, but helped by her acknowledging to a degree that I was making that effort, and thanking me for it, and sometimes doing nice things for me or with me as a result. It isn't a permanent fix, however; at some point it will either stop, or turn into another way of forcing you to spend more time with him, but as a short-term measure while he's getting help for the problem, it might help you to stay together if that's what you want.

 

And Karvala, I commend your courage also. And thanks.

 

Ty, I appreciate your comment at this time, I really do.

[Miss M]

Karvala, what you've done, looking at yourself in an honest way, is exceptionally rare for someone with your problem. That's why I expressed appreciation. But also, what you've accomplished is sooo rare that Fantasy is unlikely to have a good result with the advice you're giving. She can't help him until he's ready to look at it honestly and that just seems like a lot to hope for. It's like giving her instructions on how to help an alcoholic to want to stop drinking. It could be ill-advised. Also by giving her instructions on how to affect his behavior, there's the possibility of continuing to give her the idea that she is somehow responsible for his behavior. It might be better for her to understand that it is not up to her to fix him. Believing that she can change her behavior, and that that will cause a change in him, is what perpetuates this type confusion in the first place.

[karvala]

You may be right. I said what had happened to work for me, but I freely acknowledge that I'm still not completely better by any stretch of the imagination, and probably see things too much from his perspective still, so I'll happily defer to your greater impartiality.

[Miss M]

Actually Karmala, I'm not really impartial. It so happens that I've been on the receiving end of a similar kind of emotional abuse, (in therapy now), and I understand how easy it is to get pulled again and again into its various traps. Fantasy has already been in a previous abusive relationship and she probably needs to recognize and examine why she is repeating that pattern with this current bf. Advising her about how to help him just seems like a bad idea to me.