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"Independence" or A planned future?

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Background Yesterday night at Starbucks, I was sitting with a group of my friends when Girlfriend and her friend came in and sat down after ordering drinks. She seemed okay, but in reality, her uncle had just died and I didn't know how close she was to him. Naturally, I consoled her as anyone would do when in the midst of a large group, I went through the consolation motions, asking what had happened, and giving her physical reassurance that I was indeed sorry for her loss.

She didn't seem to hurt for the loss, but she was hiding her emotions because she was around so many people. I figured she was just hurt, but not devastated.


After a long conversation about my apparent insensitivity, "where she stands in my life," and how she thought I was ignoring her (when in actuality I wasn't. I was just happy to see my friends again whom I haven't spent time with in months), she propounded the question if "it was getting old," or something along those lines. After which, another series of questions were asked, and I was getting an answer forced on me by implications, an answer that meant obvious downfall for the relationship - and NOT my answer. That's the absolute best I can explain that.


Anyway, we talked about how I was "Only nineteen and curious about the independence that I've never had," and how when she was 19, she wasn't ready to lay her entire life down for someone, among other things. So I did what was my natural reaction.


I cried, went back to the Fraternity house, and proceeded to drink a quarter of a gallon of hard liquor. I called her back after I nearly lost my facilities altogether and was laying on the floor in an awkward state, caught betwixt conflicting emotions (which were obviously heightened by all the alcohol). She came over, and we fell asleep together. This morning, we both had deep fits of emotion, and now I'm stuck in the proverbial void between a certain future, or an uncertain, independent state which I've never truly embraced.




The two conflicting emotions Staying with her insures a static future. I can see a future of joining her in Iowa for grad school; we both getting our doctorial degrees. After which we would move near a big city and settle down, there to live out the rest of our days in happiness. That's the picture painted for me, and I truly believe that I Love her, I know it. I've gone through all the logical and emotional checkpoints, and every resultant outcome is conclusive.


Conversely, she gives me this "independence," and says she'll be "ready when I'm ready." Things go just as that, and our relationship is forever changed. Or worse yet - she falls "out of love." At this point, I can't imagine a future without her, and it's not too late for me to keep that steady. People rarely can even talk about me without talking about her and usually vice-versa. So where does that leave either of us?


So, sitting here at work when I'm asked by a patron if I'm alright? Of course...it's just the sinuses acting up again. Any suggestions? Comments? Concerns? Song and dance routines?

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