Hi I'm new to the forum.

[final attack]

Hi guys,

 

I just thought it respectful to introduce myself before I start posting. I'm a 22 male from Australia. I currently have a few relationship problems, mainly because this is the first time I've been in a long relationship (long is a relative term). To explain my screen name - final attack is the name I use for all forums so I can remember. I'm male remember, I like to keep things simple.

 

Regards.

 

MAJOR EDIT: May as well put my main problem here. So here goes-

 

(Long, but interesting )

If you want to skip some of the possibly unimportant background info skip to Problem

 

HER

I have been dating a girl called [Her name]. She's 22 very smart, inexperienced, insecure, not the perfect weight, and aware of many of her own physical flaws. IE. Sideburns (mild but present), a slightly irregular nose, and she doesn't wax often, or shave her private area (which most women I've dated before do) I know these mainly because she has pointed them out.

 

I'm fine with all that because I have spent too long dating and sleeping with women who don't challenge me mentally. This happens and I just get bored. I can see past her flaws to the intelligent woman inside. I thought I had really found someone special and made a conscious decision to "give her a try" and make the relationship work.

 

She has had a trust issue with me from the start. Rumors are around that I date many women at once, and I'm not a reliable bf. She checks my messages religiously, and questions me all the time about every girl on the phone. The imaginary stories she creates are completely unnecessary and irrational.

 

She was a virgin before we started dating. Her perception of sex and all things related were crazy. She quite honestly believed, sex = pregnancy. Anyway, she has put a lot of emphasis on the fact that I have taken her virginity.

 

She has only had one boyfriend before me. She mentions her ex-boyfriend frequently, and as far as I'm concerned excessively. I really don't care to hear anything about him. He hurt her and she still loves him/hates him.

 

She is a feminist, but on the mild side.

 

ME

 

My longest relationship before this was 1-2 months and based mostly on physical terms. Thus I am very inexperienced with maintaining a relationship. I am a friendly person. I have a fair number of female friends. I do border on flurtatious but my intentions are never bad, and I am very morally grounded.

 

I am very laid back, and casual person. I don't like drama, and I find it hard to tolerate aggressive people. i can be a little sensitive when people question my character or directly insult me.

 

I like traditional views of relationships, I enjoy old fashion movies, and look up to the 1950s man.

 

The Relationship

She said she loved me a month or two into the relationship, and I couldn't return her feelings without lying. So I asked her to be patient. I have returned saying I loved her under extreme growing pressure.

 

The Problem

 

Things where going great up until about a day or two ago. I made a mistake. Walking back from Uni I receive an SMS from a singles site that I had signed up to MONTHs before we started seeing each other exclusively. I realise I'm being charged and cancel subscription, but also at the same time for fun, respond to the SMS with an automated response "send me an email, I'm interested". At the time I knew I wasn't going to receive any email because I knew from my experience women dont' spend money on these sites, and if I did I would just play it cool and tell her I had a girlfriend. MISTAKE. This was one of her friends. The argument that ensued, reduced her and myself to tears and I just didn't know what to do.

 

Further to this the next day I went to Uni from 8am-5pm had a few beers with friends and went to bed without calling her. I awoke with 7 messages on my phone each getting progressively worse. Last one saying "its over". I apologiesed and explained, though she is skeptical of the story, and took a little convincing to get her to talk to me again. Apparently she hadn't slept till 3am, that means 6 hours of crying and sadness the night before. Wow, thats a lot ...

 

Now I'm just pretty much confused. I want to make this situation right. I don't want her to be crying till all hours of the night. So I saw her and sat and listened to hours of her insult me, and question my integrity. I believe in listening to a person until they are finished, but MY GOD she can talk. And with such venom!

 

Aftermath

Ok so my first serious relationship fight is over. Now, I feel as though I have compromised too much. I just sat there and took a verbal lashing from her even though I thought the problem had been blown seriously out of proportion.

 

I have, for thereputic reasons, written up a letter to her telling her its over, and letting her know because of her extreme fluctuating emotions we are better off apart. I'll post it further down.

 

Sorry that this hasn't been as concise as it could be. There is soo much in my head at the moment its hard to think clearly. I use to have such a handle on things.

[easyguy]

Welcome to eNotAlone, final attack!

[final attack]

Ep. I just found out that I can only have one Post at a time ... or something like that. I was going to post my current relationship issue in a different forum and it wouldn't let me.

 

*confused*

[easyguy]

You have to wait until this thread is off the main forum screen before posting a new one.

[sidehop]

This is the only forum I use a different name...just because some of the things I ask are personal Welcome to the forum!

[amanda22]

first off, welcome i believe this is a great site

 

second off, you can post your issues here and then do it again when this thread is done to get more feedback...or you can wait. either way...

[final attack]

My letter Unsent. Written for therputic reasons.

 

,

 

I love you. I fell in love with your innocence, your adorable face, and your intelligent mind. It upsets me to remember you angry. In your rage, you questioned my word, insulted my integrity, sneered at our time together, and belittled me every chance you got. You seem too endlessly vent at me, what I have to say appears irrelevant. I'm probably not capable of being in a relationship if this is what they are like.

 

Why do you feel you need to threaten me to keep me in line? Am I that pathetic that I would listen to that threat and be afraid? On the contrary, it more often fills me with an urge to challenge you.

 

You probably will never trust me, even though I have never lied to you. I don't think I have the emotional energy to console your insecurities. We are two different people.

 

Know that I love you.

Know that I never lied to you, and never will.

Know that I never cheated on you, or even considered it, and will never in my life to anyone.

Know that I made sacrifices, and tried hard to make this work.

Know that we can't be together unless you are willing to change.

Know I am a decent guy whom you have misunderstood.

Know that I still think of you.

 

When you know these things to be true, you will understand who I am and why I feel this way.

 

[my name].

 

 

**END LETTER**

 

I am fully aware that I she is far more attached to me than I am to her. Though I try not to think about this, or draw attention to it. I don't think its far to play a relationship, though it might give you some insite into why she acts teh way she does.

[final attack]

Further background:

 

I waited for her and never pressured her to have sex with me. Though she knew that most of my previous relationships had been very physical. I guess I lead her to believe this was very important to me.

 

After we started sleeping together, we ahve been actively participating in sex or sexual activites almost all the time. I started to get uncomfortable that it was happening all the time, and knew she would hate me for it later. My problem is once you turn me on, its hard to turn me off without finishing.

 

She basically sees sex as a way to please me, but this obviously can't be healthy.

 

I know I should only post one problem at a time ... but eh.

 

EDIT:

 

I get the tempation to just break it off, wipe the slate clean, after reading all the problems I've created again, but I'd rather mature and try to fix things.

[DN]

I think you may have set this up wrong in the first place by allowing her to check your messages. You essentially gave her permission at that time to be jealous and controlling.

 

Now you have to fix that. Talk to her, tell her that you have never cheated and never would and that she will either have to trust you or you will end the relationship.

 

In other words, tell her more or less what you put in the letter. Face to face, calmly but firmly.

 

If she gets angry or will not listen or keeps interrupting then tell her you are going to leave until she is prepared to listen.

[final attack]

Well an update...

 

I went over to her house and notice almost immediately she had calmed down. Though before heading there I had asserted to myself that I wasn't going to play control games with her, or participate in futile and repeditive arguments. I think because of her insecurity she just needs me to take control of the situation and be unwaverying in my resolve. I have to realise that because of her mother is a dominant person, she will be incline that way, but deep down I don't think she wants that.

 

EDIT: Furthermore! I will no longer allow insults and threats to be a part of the relationship. I won't be in a relationship that condons this type of behavour.

 

She wants to start a fresh. We discussed each others needs, I'm glad that my terms were accepted, and she got a chance to tell me what was REAL problem before, more of an effort to show that I love her. I realised I had done well to become the secure rock her erratic life needs.

 

Funny that I have to be stable for her when my own life probably isn't much better off. Lucky I've learnt to play it cool, like James Dean 8)

[final attack]

I think you may have set this up wrong in the first place by allowing her to check your messages. You essentially gave her permission at that time to be jealous and controlling.

 

Too right mate. I've always hated her doing it and never made that secret. I decided that I would give her this concession thinking, idiotically, that it would eventually alleviate her fears and PROVE I was being loyal.

 

After the argument though its going to stop. Period. Worse comes to worse I can rig my phone to show if she checks it while I'm sleeping, but I don't think I"ll need to do that yet. I should trust her. I mean thats what this is all about.