i still love her, and i will wait as long as it takes

[waiting]

Alrighty – this is a bit longwinded, but it's a very long and drawn out saga…

 

9 years ago I met a wonderful woman at University. She hooked me from the moment I laid eyes on her and for a long time I was too shy to even say hi. We eventually became friends when I offered to help her look for a car to buy. Started dating and bang – it just all fell into place and that was it. I was in love. She moved in with me virtually straight away and my life suddenly felt totally complete. With her, I straightened up my life, ditched freeloading friends and we were really happy together.

 

Two years in, I started getting the grass is greener syndrome, and she tried to leave me when I couldn't commit. I predictably freaked out and she stayed. We were happy again for a while, but I did the classic mistake and simply didn't appreciate her enough and was far too self centred and could never have any real meaningful talk about my feelings for her. And yet we stayed together.

 

We saved up and spent 6 months travelling the world together – best time of my life, just me and her against the world. But things were not so good when we got home, and we agreed to break up. I even told her it was my idea and I had been thinking about it for a while. Managed to convince myself it was what I wanted.

 

But we still found a house and lived together for another 3 years. Being a couple and doing all the things for each a couple does and still sleeping together and everything. Neither of us even looked another person.

 

I got a job in the country, and I asked her to come with me – as "friends". Even then I was too dense to realise the real reason I wanted her with me…

 

That didn't last long, as I became a genuine arsehole, and had a huge fight with her over me wanting to go out (since proven to be idiot) friends, and not take her. Not that she wanted to go out with them anyway. But I felt I was being made to choose, and I really wanted to just have some fun. She moved out soon after that and went to stay with my grandmother. She lived with her for over a year, and we still remained very close. We would always be talking on the phone, and I would often go and stay over with her. We were still sleeping together – as "friends". Or so I kept telling myself.

 

One drunken night out with my friends, a girl came onto me, and ended up kissing her. It seemed like the right thing to do – it wasn't like I had a girlfriend or anything. But I felt awful, and ridden with guilt. So of course I had to confess, and it tore her up. I begged to be forgiven and told her I never wanted to lose her. It was then in hindsight that I lost her though.

 

And still we remained close. We still did everything with each other, still slept together occasionally, still were bonded beyond measure. I still was thinking I needed to be away from her, and wondering if there was something I was missing.

 

She started hanging out with guy I knew was keen on her, even though she denied it. But she stayed over with him, and went on walks with him. I hated it. I was consumed with jealousy. But she just thought I was annoyed at her seeing someone else, but not wanting to be with her myself.

 

She just needed a friend who would talk with her. Throughout our relationship, I was the world's worst communicator, and whenever she wanted to talk to me about our relationship, I would not be able to. I wasn't able to talk to myself about how I really felt, let alone tell her…. This why we broke up to start with – I wasn't able to admit to myself that I really loved her, and so she left. She tried many many times to save our relationship in the years since our trip overseas, and I just wouldn't/couldn't see it and kept pulling away. Eventually she gave up and let go herself. It's just that she still stayed, so I never felt her absense.

 

I left to go interstate chasing jobs, and because I felt I had to get away from her. Still thinking I was missing something. That turned to crap, and I missed her terribly and came back after 5 months. I had nowhere to live, so I moved in with her, she having moved into a place of her own. I felt wonderful when I came back to her – it was coming home. My home, where I belonged. Problem is, I forgot to tell her how I felt, even now.

 

I lived with her for another 9 months. She stopped seeing this guy, when he turned out to be a jerk. But she admitted to kissing him, and I got so angry and hurt. But still didn't click as to why.

 

I didn't just live her then – I shared her bed. We still slept together occasionally, but now she was very firm about it being just friends (and like an idiot I agreed). But I kissed her goodbye EVERY morning as I left for work – something she says she doesn't remember…

 

Then she met him. I knew something was up from the 3 hour calls she would have with him. I eventually asked her, and yes, she was dating him.

 

This is when I fell apart. I mean REALLY fell apart. I was asked to move out straight away. I lost it. It all hit me at once like a baseball bat. I was still in love with her, and she was the one. I had ALWAYS been in love with her, but was too dense to realise. She was surprised - she had been believing me all the years I had been telling her we were just friends. Believed it myself - sort of.

 

Total breakdown. Month off work so my mum could look after me, shrink, psychologist, anti depressants, antipsychotics, valium, sleeping tablets, hypnotherapy, 4 months solid crying and not sleeping, only able to work part time for 5 months.

 

I did EVERYTHING wrong. I begged, I pleaded, I threatened suicide (very nearly did it too), I rang her a million times a day, I drove past her house to check if his car was there, the works. She never told me to leave her alone forever though. I did seriously scare many times, and many many times I thought I had blown it for good, and she would never want to see me again. This went on in a bad way for a solid 12 months.

 

But heres the catch. She NEVER has said she will never come back to me. She has always been very adamant that she doesn't know the future and she can't say it will never happen.

 

I have been constantly for well over a year now been trying to convince her to come back, trying to get some idea of how serious he is (its been 14 months – its serious…), trying to understand what he has that I don't, trying to explain to her how I went wrong in so many ways and that I have always loved her and how I would take it all back if I could. How I would always love her, I would wait for her, that I cant live without her. And on and on and on.

 

And yet she still tells me she loves me, and she doesn't know what she wants from him, or if we will be together again. She says tried it with me and it didn't work, and she has to try something else. But who knows what the future holds.

 

I cracked it a while ago, and managed to convince myself she didn't fundamentally care, and told I didn't ever want to see her again. This really upset her, and she called and called until I picked up, and she put a lot of effort into convincing me she really does care for me a lot, she loves me and feels a bond that is unbreakable, even if we never see each to the again. Kinda makes it hard to walk away.

 

And now I've been at it again. Endless calls, endless deep and meaningful emails… she has told me to knock it off (again..) as she has heard it all before a million times this last year, and she knows I want her and love her, but she has to find out why she wants to be with him, and nothing has changed. She always assures me that it doesn't make her hate me, that she will always love me, but to leave her alone…

 

I know I will always love her. I will always want her back, and I will wait for her. It's just so damned hard. 14 months of solid agony has not diminished my love for her one bit.

 

So I am now trying to take the advice of many on here, and let it be finally. She knows how I feel, and knows I will be here for her if she wants me. Now I have to get on with my life without her, but never give up on her. I can't do that, and I won't.

 

So I guess a little advice wouldn't hurt. If I haven't made her want to get me out of her life by now, I think it would take a monumental stuff up to do it now. She really does still care a great deal, but I know now I really shouldn't push it any more…

[MetallicAguy]

One drunken night out with my friends, a girl came onto me, and ended up kissing her. It seemed like the right thing to do – it wasn't like I had a girlfriend or anything. But I felt awful, and ridden with guilt. So of course I had to confess, and it tore her up. I begged to be forgiven and told her I never wanted to lose her. It was then in hindsight that I lost her though.

You did something stupid and that's your fault. You acted all nice guy "please forgive me" on her and you lost your girl.

 

Throughout our relationship, I was the world's worst communicator, and whenever she wanted to talk to me about our relationship, I would not be able to

Relationship is all about communication if you suck at communicating you shouldn't be in a relationship in the first place.

 

 

 

Then she met him. I knew something was up from the 3 hour calls she would have with him. I eventually asked her, and yes, she was dating him

You were boring her with the relationship all along and she "had it" I guess.

 

have been constantly for well over a year now been trying to convince her to come back, trying to get some idea of how serious he is (its been 14 months – its serious…), trying to understand what he has that I don't, trying to explain to her how I went wrong in so many ways and that I have always loved her and how I would take it all back if I could. How I would always love her, I would wait for her, that I cant live without her. And on and on and on.

You got it all wrong man, it's when you stop caring about what this guy has and stuff is when she'll come to you. When you change your behavior from nice guy panzy to a real man and pull yourself together you might have a chance.

 

See what happens when you backed off and told her you didn't care for her anymore (even though it wasn't true) she started chasing you, that's basically the same rope she has tied around your neck. You want her to be the one chasing YOU.

[waiting]

yeah, i know... Trust me - i see every mistake in the book in what i have done. Its one of the things that makes it so bloody hard, knowing its basically my fault all the way. The point of most of that was to lay out all the stupid things I've done, and every mistake under the sun.

 

But, i would like to think i have learned something from all these mistakes and can now do exactly what you and many other on here have said. Get on with things, let her come to me if thats what she may want one day. Point is though that is that i am not going to give up on her, just going to give up trying convince her.

 

I dont like the pathetic needy person i see in the mirror most days, and i am sure it doesnt do it for her either. Time to step up and take control of my own life. Cant be waiting for her to make it all better for me. And if by some miracle she does want to come back, its going to be to a together and in control person, not someone that needs to be propped up by her.

 

But, i cant help but take heart in the fact she cares, even after all the crap i put her through. I would like to think it says something is still there, however buried it may be. Any normal girl would have told me, quite rightly, to f**k off a long time ago. I really believe its a very strong bond we still have.

[MetallicAguy]

I don't really think she cares though, I mean you screwed up once and she doesn't give a flying **** about you anymore. This would definitely be a time to give up. I mean she doesn't want to lose you (like when you said you don't care about her anymore). What I'm saying is that if anything fails with this guy that she's with right now she can rely on you and use you once her relationship is over with that guy. If that happens you are being the nice guy again. Bad decision. I think you should just end it with her now and move on. Really its not a big deal. You've just liked her for so long its hard to think about moving on. But you have to do it.

[Unchained_melody]

MetallicaGuy, I think it's harder to do than to say.

 

When you really fall inlove with somebody, you can't just click off your heart like nothing happened.

When I was younger, My mind was stronger, my heart didn't exist. Now after falling inlove, it's not as easy as you think it is with letting go.

 

It takes time, alot of support, alot of mental control and emotional control. It's not easy.

 

I know it isn't. What is easy? It's easy to Fall Inlove, but it's a hundred times harder to Fall Out of Love.

 

The mind and the heart are different. Completely different. For the mind, it's hard to learn, but it's easy to forget.

For the heart, it's easy to love but it's hard to let go.

[PrincessLinzay]

I know you're hurting right now, and I feel for you. Loving someone who's with someone else is never easy or fun. It's basically heart wrenching agony and tremendous pain.

 

From another aspect, I can't help but extend that same sympathy to the girl who so obviously loved you for so long and was consistently told you were no more than friends. After waiting what seemed an interminable amount of time, she then finds someone else and that's when you decide she's "the one". I think she would clearly be a little wary of your little green monster of jealousy rearing it's ugly head.

 

Hard as it may be, you have to respect her wishes right now and leave her be. If she decides that she wants you, she knows where to find you and that you'll be waiting.

 

At this point you've exposed the deepest recesses of your heart, she knows how you feel and will act on it according to her heart. Try to live your life and be happy on your own. Happiness without dependency is a very attractive quality. Neediness not so much.

 

Hang in there and post here when the urge to write another repeated email of undying love and devotion to this woman arises. If nothing else, it will upset her current beau and make her antagonistic towards you.

 

Hugs!

[waiting]

And she deserves that sympathy. I know what i did was pretty stupid and very hurtful for a long time. And i have expressed my regret for that. But i know it doesnt change what happened. I am very certain she is extremly wary, and I know she doesnt ever want things to be like that again. Nor do I. I am just so completely furious with myself for not seeing what i had for so long. Talk about cliche - dont know what youve got til its gone...

 

But theres only so much i can say to assure her that it would never be like again. She says she doesnt blame me for what happened, that she was at fault too, and it just happened. But I still blame myself.

 

But, I am dealing with a very mixed up girl here. She was never able to tell me she was in love with me, as she feels she doesnt think she is capable of feeling it. She comes from a very loveless family, and grew up to be very self reliant emotionally. This is why I think i pulled away all those years ago - scared to give myself over completely to someone who may not be able to do the same. But I think did she love me, but just didnt know how to express it. And I think was we had was too strong, even with all the crap, too just evaporate.

 

So now I am dealing with the fallout. She does love me, and has told me repeatedly to never doubt it. But says she doesnt know if she loves him, and doesnt know is he is in love with her. Apparently they dont talk about it...

 

She only sees him once or twice a fortnight, at the most. He invites himself over, stays the night and leaves first thing in the morning. No idea what is going on here..... She has no desire to live with him, and doesnt think he does either.

 

She doesnt know if she will come back, but is trying to work it out. I have asked her to tell me if there is no chance, as i cant walk away if there is, and she says she doesnt know.

 

I do know that if i was him, i would be furious. I get the strong impression he is not being kept in the loop as to how she feels about either of us.

 

So now she wants space to work it out. She will call me when she knows, and no sooner. I have told her she can call to see how I am going, but after every contact i tend to break down, and she cant deal with it. She would like to keep in contact i think, but cant cope with the emotional trauma that follows. Cant say i like it either...

 

I just hope that by the time she makes up her mind, i wont have finally got sick of feeling heartbroken and left it all behind. If I do manage to leave it behind and heal myself, i have the feeling it will only be done by shutting her out of my heart forever. How long it takes to get to that point, if ever, will depend on how long i can cope with feeling like crap.

But the risk she runs i guess.