Please help...He refuses to leave...

[vale007]

We fell in love so fast, that after a month he was already talking about a life together. Now 10 months later and dozens of fights, I finally called it quits.

Although I do love him, deep inside I believe he's not the one for me. It's reason versus heart. I wonder why I fell in love so hard when I know things would not work out.

It's just incompatibility all around, he says black I say white. We've had 3 fights this week, and although I'm not a believer of finfer-pointing, they were really things that he should have not done. But the problem are really not the causes of the fights, but his reactions after the fact. He does not and will not admit he was wrong, nor ever apologizes. That really hurts me, and a day later after I've been wallowing in tears, he calls me as anything had happened and expect me to act normally.

I'm very vulnerable emotionally and feel he has control over my emotions, I don't like that feeling. He's promised me a million times that next time will be different, but it never is. He's still a different person when we argue, anger takes over him and he shuts me out.

And every time I try to break up to get myself some air, he cries, begs and pleads with me and plays emotional games that usually break me down. I know he loves me very much, I've never doubted that, but his personality is very difficult to deal. I want a man that will support me and protect me, not one that complicates my life every day. Is that too much to ask?

Anyway, he won't stop calling, he wants to stay in the spare bedroom until "he can find a place to go". And says he will never stop calling as he loves me too much. That he never thought I would leave him, etc, etc.

I don't know what to do, this is very painful, and I hate that he's always turning the story around and saying he can't believe I'm breaking up with him for something so small. What I can't get him to understand is the big picture, that is not the small argument but the pattern of arguments and his failure to be willing to talk when it's time and patch things up then, not after when it's too late.

I want to not care what he thinks of me, but I can't. I do love him, but I feel like I'll never have control of my life for as long as he's like that.

[DoorMouse]

Hunny, don't let his mind games control your life and feelings. This is what is called Mental abuse. He'll string you along with promises of change and better times, but when he gets back in the door it's the same old hat tricks over and over again. He wants to stay in the spare bedroom so he can get closer to you and try and work his way back in. Tell him no. Once you allow him back in, he'll do it again. If he lives with you, he'll find ways to make you jealous, like bringing a new girl home, or staying out all night. And with your having such a caring heart, you would be up worried about him. Take control of your life. Let him know you don't have to explain why you've broken off the relationship, because you've tried to tell him before, and he didn't listen. If he wants to know, write him a letter, don't have a conversation because he'll only turn it around on you to make you look like the bad person and make you feel guilty, which will give him control and the upper hand to take advantage of you. Stand up for yourself. Good Luck.

[Beec]

You need to be really careful. What he does is and can be addictive. This is how abusive people act. They push you down emotionally and down and down and down, then raise you up, so you really feel an emotional high. And life goes up and down and down and down and up. It can becoem an addictive cycle. End it, now.

[vale007]

It's so weird that both of you mentioned abuse. That has never crosees my mind as he's never being verbally or physically abusive to me. He can be athe sweetest man, but then become very intransigent and self-absorbed when we argue. When he's mad he wants me to see that it's not like I "see" it, is not willing to talk and or just leaves me talking.

Then I get really mad for his attitude and things escalate from there.

And yes, you're right, there have been a lot of ups and downs. I can't live like this, it's very draining emotionally.

I just don't know to break the cycle. I love him, and when he's not around I miss him terribly. I'm in a city that's fairly new to me and I have no family here. Only a couple of friends, I guess I'll have to tap into that.

How can I be string and not let him soften me up again?

[DoorMouse]

Set ground rules, like if you two are going to have a conversation, it will be by phone or letter, when he is Physically around you he will dominate you and make you bend. Have you ever noticed when you're mad at someone in person and they touch you, you normally get fired up and then start to cool down and let your wall down? When you're mad at someone online, you normally stay mad because there is no physical contact. Don't put yourself in a position where he is in charge. If he calls and gives you a ration of BS, Hang up. You don't have to answer the phone again if you don't want to. Friends are always great support. Call your girlfriends and set up a girls night out, get your mind off him, and put your mind on you.