An Affair Gone...Weird

[sepiaswirl]

I had an affair with a married man. Afew months ago, I told him that he should commit, or go back to his marriage 100%. I told him I cant love someone who loves someone else. He didnt commit, so I stopped talkin to him.

 

We work in the same office, and when he's in the hallways, I don't say a word. I try to be cordial, but most of the time I'm really cold so he will either reach out more directly, or stop trying to talk to me.

 

I still love him so much, but I am upset that he didn't make a decision one way or the other. But my problem now is that he is reaching out to me in weird ways.

 

For example, we had a shared email acct where we'd send each other msgs. I shut it down, but a few weeks later, he confronted me in the parking lot of our building and actually told me that he checks online to see if the account is back up again!

 

We have these long silent periods (1-2 weeks). But he'll sometimes confront me when he's very upset…in the parking lot or somewhere around work. During these convos, we kind of confirm how miserable we've been, but we go right back to no contact.

 

He searches through my desk after hours. He leaves notes in really weird places…like the middle of totally full notepads I use for meetings. He knows more about whats in my desk than I do! He watches me from his office window as I leave every day. A while ago, we used to communicate indirectly like this…little notes and stuff. But I told him once that when indirect contact like this is the only thing you have, it can get weird. But he still won't commit or communicate with me "normally" or more directly.

 

The real clincher was this morning. I reopened that email account to test how long it would take for him to check it. He checked it first thing this morning and sent me two messages.

 

I would consider this obsessive behavior if I wasn't ever receptive to him, but he knows that I love him. He also knows that I backed away not b/c I didn't love him, but b/c I didn't have his full commitment. But this is getting really weird. I know "what" to do to stop this, but my question is "why" is he doing this? He can't reach out normally, so he settles for...this? How does he get gratification from doing this when I don't return overt feelings to reinforce him? Is what he's doing some way of keeping a connection with me? Is he incapable of reaching out normally b/c of his relationship? Or did I have this person wrong all along and I'm just finding out that he's weird?

 

I really want to know what I'm dealing with here.

[atomic]

creepy! I hate to say this but he sounds like damaged goods. That's very strange behaviour and I would worry about how much further it could go if you got in to anything more serious. Perhaps a job change is the only sensible option?

[TiredMan]

I don't know the guy and won't pretend to. But from what you say (would be nice to know HIS part of the story), he can either be one of those who wants to

 

a) have his cake and eat it too meaning stay married and have affaris.

b) Can't break up marriage for other reasons like kids or wife would lose it.

 

People do the darndest things when they are in love and/or hurt. Trust me on that one. How about scheduling a meeting outside work and addressing your thoughts rather than talking about being miserable and missing and all that. You said yourself you are "really cold so he will either reach out more directly, or stop trying to talk to me" which in itself is kind of playing agame. Just be honest about things.

 

His behavior sounds a bit erratic but I wonder if he might list things you have done as well. The fact that you guys shared an email and things like that shows me that it was more than a fling. I still think asking him specifically what he wants is the key.

[SeaBisquit]

he can't deal with you rejecting him. he doesn't want to lose you. hence the control he is trying to get over you. he wants it his way.

[TheVindicator]

This is not a healthy relationship and is unfair to all parties involved, it'd be best to end it

[lillady898]

Just forget the guy. He's carelessly cheating on his wife- Even if you both were "commited," he'd likely do the same thing to you.

[BellaDonna]

You did the right thing by giving him that ultimatum. He sounds like he has issues. I wouldn't bother going into that e-mail account agian if I were you.

 

He's trying to woo you back in his own twisted way. But he wants you back under the same old circumstances. I really do think he wants to have his cake and eat it too. You shouldn't be part of this cake anymore. You're only going to get hurt in the end.

 

I would do what you're doing: be polite. Treat him like any other colleague. However if the notes continue then next time you bump into him in the hall alone tell him to stop and that you think it's inappropriate.

 

If he still doesn't stop you might want to consider another job.

 

 

BellaDonna

[sepiaswirl]

thanks for the advice everyone

 

TiredMan: as for his side of the story, i think his reasons for staying in the marriage are all of the above. he said he still loves her, he doesnt' want to hurt her, and cause pain for others. but he didn't want to let me go either...having the cake and eating it too

 

i think i made a huge mistake opening that email acct again b/c it may encourage this behavior. but it proved my point that he's expressing himself in erratic ways. i planned on confronting him immediately about all of this, but i didnt even know where to start

[TiredMan]

thanks for the advice everyone

 

TiredMan: as for his side of the story, i think his reasons for staying in the marriage are all of the above. he said he still loves her, he doesnt' want to hurt her, and cause pain for others. but he didn't want to let me go either...having the cake and eating it too

 

i think i made a huge mistake opening that email acct again b/c it may encourage this behavior. but it proved my point that he's expressing himself in erratic ways. i planned on confronting him immediately about all of this, but i didnt even know where to start

 

Try the way I mentioned. I figured he didn't want to hurt her. Kind of like the cop and his wife in the movie House of Sand and Fog. Might be wanting more than one person but can also not want to hurt another. Tough situation but if you knew he was married, you kind of walked into yourself right?

[DN]

You gave him an ultimatum but you haven't properly followed through by telling him not to leave messages, not to go through your desk and not to follow you about or confront you in the parking lot.

 

I suspect part of the reason that you have not done that is because you still love him and want him back and are thereforeeee allowing a certain level of mixed messages.

 

Tell him it's over and you don't want to deal with him in any way other than as work demands.

[melrich]

What you describe sounds like stalking, or the beginning of it.

 

Knock it on the head now. No more going through your desk, leaving notes, watching you etc. These things can escalate quickly.

[Shadows Light]

I think you need a come-to-jesus with him and put it on the table.

 

You are cold to him. And yet you claim you still love him. His attention still has a payoff for you. YOU need to come to terms once and for all... are you going to slam the door shut or open it. Or are you going to allow it to remain just a creak opened?

 

Want it shut. Then you go full force NC. Do not open that account. Tell him face to face that it is done. That your desk and office are off limits.

 

And if this doesn't work... a job change may be in order.

 

No... I don't suggest getting HR involved etc. You walked into this with your eyes wide open.

[westwind61]

I recognize his behavior. It's a twisted way of courting you. Follow Shadows Light's advice.

[sepiaswirl]

Wanted to say thanks again to everyone for their help here

 

To give you an update on the current situation/problem, I feel terrible Here's what happened since i last posted (kinda long):

 

I've been sticking by NC. He has tried to contact me more than once since the last post. This morning, he called me from his cell phone on the way to work. I saw his number on the caller ID and didn't answer. When he came in to work, he came by my office in a terrible state. He asked how I was and I just said "great." He stomped out of my office and looked really upset. A little later, he called me again from his cell phone. I went by his office and someone told me he went out to the parking lot (he goes out there a lot...see earlier posts). I went out there as quickly as I could. He said he wrote something on my windshield....

 

I told him his behavior wasn't very normal or appropriate. Basically, he agreed that his situation (being married) forces him to reach out to me in these weird ways. He just started saying "I just wanted to know if you feel anywhere near as bad as I do" over and over. I told him it doesn't matter b/c all we're going to do is confirm we're both miserable, then he'll go back to his married life and I'll return to no contact. I told him to go back to his office. We walked upstairs together, but as we went upstairs, he just started talking about regular everyday stuff...like nothing ever happened! He told me that someone new in the office looked like a cast member of Sex and the City, and wanted to show me a picture of their resemblance I didn't know how to react b/c I couldn't understand how he would just change subjects like that.

 

Later in the morning, he was leaving on a business trip most of our office was taking. Just before he left, he came by and showed me this Sex and the City site, and was just smiling from ear to ear. I didn't know what to do b/c he seemed so out of it

 

He was going to be gone all week, and I just got this terrible feeling that when he comes back, we'd go right back into this weird limbo. I needed it to stop. So I ran out to him as he was leaving. He was happy to see me, but I said "no contact, not even for work issues" (most work issues can be routed through more than one person in my office, and he often uses work issues as an excuse to talk). He told me he would stick by it, but I saw that he was really broken up. When he got in his car, he drove off, but put on the brakes and just sat there for like a minute in the middle of the garage. I looked at him and he went into reverse, backed up to me, and lowered the window. I didn't know what to expect, but he just said "Have a good week" Then he drove off...

 

I didn't understand his behavior when I first posted, but it's getting more unexplainable. That's my first problem. My second problem is that I thought that insisting on no contact would help me feel better, but I suddenly feel like a b#%^. Infidelity or not, I still love him and it hurts me so much to put on an emotionless face, especially when I see how much it hurts him and affects his behavior.

 

Never in my wildest dreams did I think I'd have to force no contact with someone I actually WANT contact with (if we were both single, that is).

 

I don't know if I'm doing the right thing anymore. I guess I'm just not good at hurting people I care about

[voltaire]

He DID decide. He dedcided NOT to leave his wife. Nevertheless he wouldn't mind carrying on screwing you, as long as you didn't interfere in his marriage too much. Sorry, dear, but this situation is very easy to read.

[sepiaswirl]

No need to apologize! And pl/s don't call me dear

 

Thanks, voltaire, but he did not stand by the decision b/c he keeps reaching out and wants it both ways. That was my initial problem, not whether or not he made a decision. Anyway, someone facing a decision point like this (whether to stay with a spouse or not) should consider a complete cutting of contact with the OW (or man) to be part of the deal if they decide to stay. This hasn't happened at all.

 

Yes, honeybaby ( this situation is easy to read. But it's not easy to follow through on, even if you know the right answer.

[voltaire]

My point is that he won't bother cutting off completely if he thinks he can keep you on a string as well; you're the one that has to decide to save yourself, restore your self-respect and GET OUT.

[OceanEyes]

All I'm going to say, is that I've never met a married man who has actually left their wife for a mistress.

 

95% of the time, married men do not leave their wives, especially ones they still love.

[DN]

However, there is an old saying - "A man who marries his mistress creates a job vacancy."

[miracle29]

 

Perhaps i am the only one here to is feels that this happened to you for a reason? Maybe this is Karma biting you in the buns? This is what you get for messing with a man who was already married. I'm sorry but I don't feel sorry for you, maybe next time you see a wedding ring, you'll run the other way instead of in his direction. I think this taught you a lesson on what to not do again. Hopefully you wont make this same mistake twice.

[stressed1]

Hi Sepia,

 

You have commented so much on my story i thought i would interject here a little.....and support you. You know my story and have sent me some nice personal replies.

 

So, Miracle, serves her right for messing with a married man???? depends on the circumstances but i doubt whether she went looking for him. and unless sepia has long history of affairs with married men i doubt whether she believed he would be capable of staying with her, that sepia would ultimately gain her man. call it naivety, call her his victim, but she should not have had an issue with entertaining a married man. its his choice as much as hers. she will no doubt be wiser after the event, but blame cannot go to her.

 

 

some people just dont have bad marriage, get divorced, then go looking...many many or almost all have to find someone in order for them to be released from their bad marriage in the first place. sad, but true. and others just use a bad marriage as an excuse to go hunting.

 

 

as sepia said, these things are never black and white!

[DN]

I have to say that there is never an excuse for having an affair with someone who is married, other than you didn't know the person was married.

 

The fact remains that decisions were made by both parties in the affair and thereforeeee both people bear equal responsibility. It may hurt, you may even get sympathy for being hurt, but that doesn't make what happens right, or even less wrong.

 

In my opinion, it is indeed a black and white issue. It is a very simple, if not easy, concept - don't do it.

[miracle29]

Ok now this makes sense. When you posted in my inbox and then obviously posted this again for the entire forum to see, at first I didnt understand why you felt so offended by what i posted earlier in my "he's married/she'smarried " post. But now it makes sense. I had actually forgotten that I had even read your post. I can see why a person with your mindset would be upset by someone like me. What I don't see is how you somehow assumed that my whole post then was about you and your issues. I think assumption here is where you went wrong.

 

I also think that you are trying to divert blame on anyone but youself for your part in this affair. However please be at ease, i'm not here to go back and forth with you about your life and your life choices, but i do find a slight bit of happiness that my post upset you. LET ME EXPLAIN. I feel that it upset you because perhaps you got so angry at the truth in my post. The fact that you had the choice to leave this be and not sink to this guys low. It was beneath you and i think you know it, but attacking me and trying to turn this into an all our drag down cat fight is even more thatn beneath the both of us. I would just as soon not waste my precious time. Again, please know that my post was not about anyone in particular it was very vaige and very indirect, if you felt it spoke to you however, than i'm glad, because maybe you can turn that anger into something productive like, MOVING ON with your life and finding a man who is worth your time.

 

Never share a man, because half a man is just that...HALF a man.

Good luck in the future, and please work on those assumptions.

[sepiaswirl]

thx for the replies everyone

 

i agree with a lot of your post, miracle29. the only thing i'd say to you is that the original post doesn't sound indirect at all. i wouldn't have reacted like that if it did. but your explanation helps a lot. thanks for taking the time to clarify things.