Am I simply being unrealistic?

[ChiMan]

I have been involved in a relationship with a woman for about the last five months or so. She is about 10 years younger than I and is from a country in Latin America. (I mention these two items as they may have some bearing on the issue.)

 

Ours started off as an Internet-based relationship. and about six weeks passed from our initial web contact to our first meeting. Over the course of the getting to know you period, we exchanged a good deal of information about ourselves and it certainly appeared to me that her feelings were growing stronger based on the content of our conversations. I did learn that she has a significant fear of abandonment and constantly seeks affirmation that I will be there for her and remain supportive.

 

Recently we met in person for the very first time. I travelled at no little expense to see her and from all our correspondence and telephone calls, I did have an expectation of physical intimacy with her. In fact, she seemed perfectly comfortable sharing the hotel room and king bed with me. However, the first night of our meeting, she completely withdrew and told me that she did not see me as a boyfriend but as a very special friend who she did not want to lose. Clearly, any intimacy was out of the question but she shared the same bed with me for the next three nights.

 

Quite understandably I was disappointed in the outcome but felt it more important to be supportive of her and her right to make the decision she did.

 

The issue now is that she continues to seek all the loving and supportive words from me that I shared with her before but has made it clear that we will not be more than very good friends.

 

Should I hang in there and continue to be a good and supportive friend or is this a hopeless situation where I can expect to give and never receive anything back from her?

[RayKay]

Should I hang in there and continue to be a good and supportive friend or is this a hopeless situation where I can expect to give and never receive anything back from her?

 

I'd say the latter part holds your answer, unless she returns to you friendship and that is okay with you.

 

She has already determined for whatever reason you are not more that a friend in her mind, and well...it sounds like her mind is made up. At 25 she can make up her own mind, so don't feel that somehow more "time will show her the true you".

 

I'd say it is time to accept this will go no further than friendship, and save the loving words for someone who can return them.

 

Only be friends if that is acceptable to you and you can deal with it not being more. And if you also get "something" out of it - as in she is a friend to you too.

[arwen]

Hey Chi,

 

Think of your meeting as a first date. It's different, but that is just because of two major factors: distance and the fact that it started of as a cyberrelatioship. When you normally meet a woman, you will directly see if you are attracted to her. I think she had the same expectations as you did, but didn't feel the chemistry that she expected. Which is understandably a slap in your face.

 

It says nothing about you. The chemistry just might not be there in the way that she needs to be intimate. I would stay her friend if you are sure you can deal with the change of expectations you need to make.

 

Maybe date other women, at least in my opinion, she is not considering this is a romantic relationship.

 

In my experience, a friendship can only work if both partners involved have equal expectations and feelings. I know I couldn't be friends with anyone I have feelings for that are more than friendship and when I know he can't return those feelings.

 

Ilse.

[Mun]

The issue now is that she continues to seek all the loving and supportive words from me that I shared with her before but has made it clear that we will not be more than very good friends.

 

 

I think she made her intentions clear to you. She does not see you as more than a good friend. I'm sorry, but I think it's time to move on.

[smallworld]

The issue now is that she continues to seek all the loving and supportive words from me that I shared with her before but has made it clear that we will not be more than very good friends.

 

Should I hang in there and continue to be a good and supportive friend or is this a hopeless situation where I can expect to give and never receive anything back from her?

Only hang in there if you sincerely want to be friends with this person. Everyone's definition of "friend" is slightly different, but if you feel like you're the one doing all the giving and not receiving something equally invaluable from this relationship, then it is time to politely move on. No amount of giving is going to change this woman's mind after she's had 3 nights in your bed to help make up her mind. (You're a stronger person than I. I would have opted for the couch.)

 

Btw, If you're giving in hopes of receiving, then this probably isn't a friendship in the purest sense of the word anyway.

[ChiMan]

I appreciate all of your very deliberate responses to my question.

 

My only real dispute with any of your comments is that I did not go into this with the thought that there should be quid pro quo. In fact, I was not the one who frequently raised the issue of sexual initmacy. It was she that would return to the topic from time to time.

 

I do agree that this may have been one of those situations where the chemistry was not there for her; however, she denies that this was her reason. She repeatedly states that her reasons were not related to me but rather to such factors as certain actions of mine reminding her of her father. I am afraid I may never know for certain.

 

The very confusing part of this all is that when I have raised the issue of moving on because of reaching an impasse, she reacts in such a way that would lead one to believe she is more invested than just a friend.

 

Not sure if she is just very needy and derives satisfaction in all the positives she receives from me or she is confused as to her own feelings. In either event, it does not feel especially healthy.