I Need her in my life! help me!

[yaesu]

i'm so sad... my heart is broken, i'm 18 years old and my girlfriend as broken up with me.. don't think that the fact of being only 18 as restricted me from having various girlfriends.. before i met her i was one of those guys who just wanted to get in bed with any girl that appeared.. it was just sex on my mind.. but since she came into my life one and a half years ago.. it stoped being just about sex! she made me feel good, she made of me a better man! now.. i miss her to death! i lost the willing to do anything..

The story is:

This 04/05 season was my graduation year, by June of this year i had my final exams, so my nerves were up and running, she helped me to relax and encouraged me to study.. bottom line -> i've passed with good grades.. after that the problems started to appear.. her house was affected my a near by explosion, so social care had to took her to a cheap hotel along with all her family.. since then i think she started to be more insensitive with me.. she started to defy my undoubtable afirmations.. argues about her family started to be to on all the subjects of the day.. i've started to be more jealous, and it all exploded right before she went on a 5 day vacation to her homeland.. she told when she arrived: "in the beggining of the vacation i missed very much, but by the end i didn't, and now i'm confused and don't know if i love you anymore"

I put up with her confusion for about 4 days.. in the 4th day i exploded and told her i don't know what you are going through but you cannot forget that there are 2 persons on this relationship, during the time of our relationship i've supported you in all the things you did(school, family, etc), i've been your friend, and never cheated on you even though the invitations to do it were many! So now i want to know if it's better for us to be separated some time, because i can't be beside you feeling invisible without having some love!" By that time she stares at me and says: " it's all over". The next day i sent her a message asking if she wanted to give some time to relationship instead of breaking up, she answered back saying that was finished, there was no going back.. i've cried a lot.. and i really need some help.. i don't know if i want to fight more for her, one part of me wants to, the other just wants revenge! I didn't deserved what she made me go through! please give me some tips!

[Beec]

I want you to see two things. Two very important things. At the top, you describe all the things she did for you. She made you a better man, she helped you with your grades, she made you feel awesome.

 

After she had to move because soemthing awful happened, of course she and her family were her first concern, but you becamse jealous. Jealous was you still looking for her to make you feel good, it was about your needs. This woman needed you then and you went looking to fulfill your needs from her, not looking to see what you could do for her. And look at everything you mention after that, it is all about what you wanted from her. She was there with you and you wanted to not feel invisible.

 

OK, now what do you do? First, NO CONTACT, get yourself to where you can control your emotions, if you see her. Second, when in control, go make contact, be a friend, take care of her needs and feelings, and don't look for anything in return. And show regret for you being concerned with your needs, not hers.

[misery12]

I agree totally with Beec.

But maybe, write her a FINAL letter, not too long, and not too mushy..

Or else you'll appear needy, which you probably are at this point of the break.

 

Tell her that you realize that you went wrong, because she seems to have done nothing wrong in her situation. Say you understand her decision and that you will support her if she needs help with something.

 

Then, go NC, if she's not interested, she won't write back..

What do you have to lose?

 

Or you can just start NC right now, it's your choice.

[heloladies21]

Well dude, you sound real emotional right now and best thing to do in these times is strict No Contact. People make the worst decisions when it's based on emotions, so cool down, relax, and keep yourself busy with your things. If she decides she made a mistake by giving up so quick, she'll let you know, but she meeds the time to straighten herself out and she can only do that without you around.

[Hope75]

I agree with Beec.

 

It seemed that to you this relationship was great so long as you were the main focus and she was pumping you up and listening to you and taking care of you.

 

Then, when things got rough for her and she needed to vent to you, you got jealous and upset.

 

Then you threw this in her face:

i've been your friend, and never cheated on you even though the invitations to do it were many!

 

You do not get some sort of special recognition for not cheating on your girlfriend. It's a standard principle that goes along with being in a relationship. I would not expect her to fall to her knees and realize how "lucky" she was that you were "so good to her" by remaining faithful.

 

It seems you are pretty full of yourself, and she just got tired of it.

 

Since you had so many offers, it shouldn't be a problem for you to find someone new.

[yaesu]

thanks everyone for the replies.. i needed some point of views from the outside..

I agree with most of you.. i was being jealous and selfish.. Now i'll just have to wait..

Hope75 when i told her :

i've been your friend, and never cheated on you even though the invitations to do it were many!

it was just to see how she reacted, if she would mind or not.. it wasn't to brag myself..

For how long do you guys think i should have no contact with her? her birthday is in September 5th.. should i give her a call?

 

Thanks for all your help

[Hope75]

Hope75 when i told her :

i've been your friend, and never cheated on you even though the invitations to do it were many!

it was just to see how she reacted, if she would mind or not.. it wasn't to brag myself..

 

Regardless of the reason you threw this in her face, it is NEVER a good idea and it there is no acceptable reason to tell your gf such a thing.

 

It makes you seem full of yourself and like a punk who thinks he deserves honours for staying faithful, or someone who is terribly insecure and uses it to hurt his gf.

 

I would not call her on her birthday. She broke up with you. If she wants to see you or talk to you, she will call you, Until and unless she does, best to assume it's over and move on.

[yaesu]

ok.. i'll not talk to her... i really lover her.. and it's going to be very hard to let go of her.. i'll give her, her space and time alone, as she wanted.. i just hope some day she'll come back into my arms... i love her very much.. but i better forget her.. got to see other girls..lol

Thanks for all the help..

If there's other suggestion i'll be glad to read it!

Thanks everyone for the support!

[Beec]

I don't see an issue with contacting her for her birthday. I see issues with you contacting her and expecting anything from her.

 

If I were in your shoes, I would contact her for her birthday. I would try to act like a friend, and nothing more. I might give her something, since she seems like she probably has things she needs, given her situation. I would not try to talk much to her though. If seh tried to talk, I'd lsiten and say little. Although, I might tell her that I regretted when I was selfish, but otherwise, I'd have little contact.

[yaesu]

thanks Beec.. i go along with your line of thought! i think i'll might do that! If the relationship doesn't work.. well.. maybe we can still be friends.. who knows??

Thanks for all the help and support! if there's more tips i would like to read it!

thank y'all!

[Beec]

OK, I don't want you to screw up or have any confusion, so get this clear: THERE IS NO RELATIONSHIP, there may be one in the future, but right now you need to show you can be a friend, a real and true friend. Show that and in some time, think months, you may be back in a relationship. Just be a friend, and the relationship may have a chance. Appear to look for the relationship, and you will get nothing.

[yaesu]

ok Beec.. i really have to realize that there's no Relationship! well next week i'll asker out, maybe to the movies, and i'll just have to get a grip on my feelings, and be only a friend.. it's going to be hard, but i have to be man enough to control myself! he he

Should i start looking for another girl? So that i can forget her? If i can find one, i know it won't be fair to her.. but i believe that love can be worked, and finally, improved to a greater level..lol (silly me)

[Beec]

Yes, you should definitely find another woman to "date". It is just a date, not a girlfriend.

 

When I have not been in a relationship, I like to have what I call the "rotation", which is a baseball term for using different starting pitchers. Teams have 4-6 starters and rotate which one begins each game. If it is not your turn to start, you simply don't play, except on rare occasions.

 

I liked to have 3-4 women to date, just date. Go to dinner, drinks, see a movie, whatever, then say good night. If you realize one woman is not someone you want to date, cut her from the rotation and add in another. When you get a time when you only want to see one, then you know, she is the one you want to be in a relationship with.

 

The rotation keeps you from being too clingy or needy with any one woman. It keeps you from chasing one woman too hard. If you are like me, and sex is onyl acceptable when there is one and only one woman, you don't push too hard for sex. It just all over makes is easier to play a decent game, with the one you want, and you try to enjyo dates with the others.

 

And, I would tell women to do that same thing. Just dae, don't jump into relationships quickly.

[yaesu]

Thanks Beec.. man, you really understand this kinds of situations! And that example of the baseball... wow it's superb! I've got to get started on that! Thanks! if you have more hints or tips i'd be glad to hear them! You must be a stallion! he he

[Beec]

I don't know about being a stallion. I've got a decent game, with weaknesses, but I know my weaknesses too. Aknowledging a weakness, is the first step in getting rid of it. But you also need to understand the game in order to be able to evaluaute your game.

 

I view dating as a set of skills and involving some strategies and tactics. It is all about how the person or people you want to date feel. If she or he feels one way right now, that will change. It will not remain constant. How and which way do you want it to change and what can you do to facilitate those changes? The skills are tools used to do that, the tactics are momentary attitudes and actions used to influence his or her feeligns and the strategy is understanding the ways in which you want his or her feelings to change.

 

If someone is feeling an emotional high because the person they want did something, know that this won't last. The high will wane, and the person will come down from it. They need to come down from it, then given another emotional high. Up and down and up and down. But be careful with how far up and how far down. Too far, and you are just toying with him or her. You will be creating someone who will tire of your games and break the bonds you are trying to create. And don't fake it, because that is just a game. You need to create real links and bonds between the two of you.

 

The more you see the games, the less you will want to play for the sake of playing. If you see that someone is just playing you, and you can tell, then you won't be fooled by it. If you see someone doing the things that do make you feel the right way, you will not have an issue with the ups and downs. And if you play someone with honest intentions and in the right way, then they should enjoy the game. It stops being a game with a winner and a loser, because you are seekign a win-win situation.

 

Currently, I have one woman, she tells me regularly that she loves me, and I view it as my job to keep her feeling that way.

[yaesu]

yah, i think i understand you Beec.. Now i'm searching for available girls, trying to get to know them.. then i'll follow your strategy.. But you know, i steel can't take my ex of my head, it's a real trouble! Mostly at night when i'm trying to sleep! I start thinking "what if i did that" or "why happened this to me".. it's really hard.. during the day try to abstract from it.. but suddenly i look at myself, and i'm thinking of her.. to me she was just like oxygen! i really need to find me girl, fast!

[yaesu]

almost another week passed and still she doens't call me or anything...

I've got the words "tired and saturation" on my mind.. why did she got tired? why couldn't we just talk over the situation, and instead of breaking-up we could have just given us some time apart?

I just want her to be by my side, at the moment as a friend would even be enough.. she doesn't want to see because she said, she doens't want me to create false expectations..

i don't know what to say... i don't know what to do..

My heart beat is a mess.. stress is killing me.. she was like my "drug".. i would do anything for her...

I go out with my friends, but it's not the same thing.. i tried to meet other girls, but i just keep finding flaws in them, or comparing them to my ex!

i want her back so baddly.. 19 months down the sink... why can't she see all the goods things we passed through?? Why does she want to be alone? i respect her decision.. but i just don't understand.. she tells me that this situation hasn't got to do with another guy.. she doesn't want to be involved... i was hopping it would be a just a short time thing.. but it's starting to be too long.. I really want to understand what lead to this situation.. she only answers me : "i don't know"...

[Beec]

You need to show her you can be a friend and not look to be anything more and not look for anything at all. You say you would do anything, then just do. As for what happened, I think we already covered that, why do you need to hear it from her mouth.

[yaesu]

i've sent her a message, saying that i realize waht she's going through and that i wouldn't push her into another relationship... I also told her i was her friend and that she could count on me whenever she wanted, and to tell me anything if she wanted to go out some day.. She sayd "ok"..

I think that it's all really over... I don't think she will ever call me..

I better start movin' on..

I really enjoyed all the support you guys provided me.. by this forum i could set free part of my sadness and a lot of weight of my shoulders! Thank you all!

[yaesu]

Hi again guys... its been almost 2 months now.. and she still hasn't even said a word.. it is being really tough for me to live without her.. in the last few days, every night i dream of her.. i don't know what to do.. i can't take her away from my mind.. this is being so much harder than i thought.. i'm on my knees asking God to help get through this.. but he hasn't replied me..

Maybe i need to see a shrink or something.. i just can't move on to approach other girls with her still on my head!

Damn this situation.. this pain is worst than getting shot!

 

i would really appreciate answers from y'all... some tips to help me get through this..

 

thanks..