Once a Cheater ALWAYS a Cheater?

[zoot]

I've been reading the topics here and so many people believe that once a person cheats that they will keep doing it over and over and over again. Once a cheater always a cheater they say. But is this nes true? is it just coming from folks who's partner have proven this theory to them b/c they kept cheating? IMO I don't think it's true in all cases.

 

I have been thinking every situation is different. Now if your partner has cheated on you more than once, it's a very good chance he'll probably keep doing it, but what about those partner's who's only cheated once? a one night stand or something like that. NOT that that's any better but they made a mistake and they come to you and appologize and come clean. Not that cheating on someone is right by any means, because it's NOT, it is wrong, but once a cheater always a cheater? I don't exactly agree with this.

 

Now could I stand for it in my own life? I'm not sure - i'll let you know. But my sister's now husband cheated on her about nine years ago - it was hard but they got through it. He's never done it again.

[I_love_rain_hugs_and_you]

A marriage is a precious thing, and it is important to look for reasons to hold it together, rather than reasons for breaking it apart. I understand that some people might be very hurt when thier spouse cheats on them. However, divorce might be worse than dealing with the hurt, forgiving that person, and moving on with your lives together. Once a cheater does not always mean always a cheater. We should look for reasons to stay together, rather than for reasons to split apart.

[annieo]

I think it all depends on the persons history. My husband of 26 years betrayed me. I found out about two months before our 25th anniversary. He has done everything I have asked in order to earn forgiveness. As my counselor at the time pointed out his history of 24 + years of trustworthy behavior showed that perhaps it was a huge error on his part but didn't mean he would do it again.

I was able to forgive. I wouldn't if he did it again.

However if someone has a history of cheating behavior, in more than one relationship or over and over again then that is probably an indicator of future bad choices on their part.

[zoot]

Oh well they weren't married when he cheated - they were just dating, but just in general. but once. I think once if you're the type to forgive it and then no more chances. Once can be an accident, twice?

[confused10188]

However if someone has a history of cheating behavior, in more than one relationship or over and over again then that is probably an indicator of future bad choices on their part.

 

I am a contradiction to this statement. I have cheated on every boyfriend I have had excpet for one... however if i had the opportunity I prolly would have taken it. A couple of months ago, I had the chance to kiss a girl I was very attracted to... and I didnt. I did not cheat on my g/f bc i love her with all of my heart and I couldnt stand the thought of her leaving me. So... I believe it depends on the person and the relationship.

[Reilly2856]

I don't think it is necessary just about whether they cheat again or not....but rather, can you forgive them and trust them? Once a person cheats, it is very hard not to analyze their behavior there after...no matter how much they've changed. So, basically, it also depends on their partner...whether you can get past it, or will you continue to doubt them and thus either: (1) Drive them out of your life, for they can never regain your trust or (2) They get fed up with your doubts and actually cheat again or (3) They do cheat again. Many things to consider.

[Gilgamesh]

Yeah its a big trust thing for me, in my head it would never be the same, if a person was "capable" of doing it once, they are very capable of doing it again.

 

They had the chance to say no, they had the chance to walk away, and in most cases, the situation was premeditated, thought out, and fantasized before hand. thats a string of conscious choices. its not an "accident" like bumping into someone or spilling coffee. they chose to put you aside, they chose to plan out what they were going to do, they chose to sneak behind your back, they chose not to care about hurting your feelings or loosing your trust.

 

A person that is capable to make all those choices is not someone that i will trust with my heart 100% ever again.

 

If he/she is getting all his needs fulfilled at home, there is no need to go looking anywhere else, if there is a problem at home, then that dissatisfaction should be addressed.

[MetallicAguy]

I don't think ALWAYS a cheater but it's more than likely to happen again, not always likely to happen again but there's a chance. Some people have cheated and never cheated again because they realize what a horrible thing it is do to your partner.

[Bounder]

I am one of the guys MetallicaGuy described. Did it once, and never again. Two years af very difficult rebuilding, and manybe it ultimately shattered our relationship. I couldnt do it again, the temptation is still there, but the hurt, on both sides, is just notworth it (as long as you arent using it as a way out).

[Bounder]

Yes, but that same thief, maybe first time. If they saw the consequences of them stealing, were candid about being sorry and wanting to fix their mistake, would see the economic and moral damage they caused to the shopkeeper, and sometimes that trumps the values the thief may have (ie. looking out for number 1). For me, it was a selfish ego move what I did 2 years ago. One night, I needed to feel attention and wanted when she wasnt there, because I was egotistical......but since then I have adjusted, learnt that it is more than just yourself, your needs.....because they should be "your" needs in the plural sense, hers and mine. I saw what it did to her, I saw how much I wanted to make her happy, and what I had done.....and it seriously affected my own value system. Recidivism may be high.....but how many never do it again?

[Bounder]

I thiknk she has, I felt she did, she told me she did. Thats the best answer I could give. 42 is different perhaps, especially given the assumed amount of life experience that is built up. But each case is unique right?

[Gilgamesh]

Its different for younger adults still trying to find out who they are etc. learning responsability.

 

If the cheaters are forgiven, I bellieve that actually re-inforces that negative trait, and could come back and bite him/her later in life.

 

Most likely a man or a woman that lost someone they loved because they cheated on them, in that case, its more likely to teach them a hard lesson.

that there is a price to pay for a few minutes pleasure.

 

Us mature adults, ( I say that with a chuckle) should know better than to cheat.

[Gilgamesh]

Its a terrible feeling I know.

 

Your not a fool for "trusting" thats part of a loving relationship you didnt want there to be doubts.

[SexySadie7]

Sometimes though.. people decide not to be cheaters simply because they see others close to them that have been cheated on.. I saw one of my closest's friends' sibling get cheated on with their spouse and saw first hand the misery and heartache it caused them..

I think then and there i decided as a teenager never to cheat on my man or mess around with married men.

[Gilgamesh]

Your a smart and considerate woman Sexysadie7, many others never learn.

[westwind61]

I cheated for the first time at 42. It was a two year affair. I did not cheat before and never thought it would happen. I have returned home and we are trying to work it out, with both my wife and I acknowledging shortcomings that made our marriage less than satisfactory. We are approaching one year since the affair came out in the open. At this point, in terms of being depressed about what went down, it's about 4.5 good days and 2.5 bad days per week for both of us.

 

I can tell you from my perspective and my perspective only, I will never cheat again. I have no interest in other women. I don't even "look at the menu" anymore. There was so much emotional injury caused to my wife, the other woman and me, just those initiating thoughts where you check another person out cause me to stop and shake and recall the pain.

[knglerxt]

There's no way in hell I could take a girl back after she cheated on me. The minute I find out about it, the relationship is going to be over. No ifs, ands, or buts about it. I don't care why she did it, either. There's no legitimate excuse for cheating. If your relationship is that bad, either fix it or end it. I have no sympathy at all for people like that.

[SLMitchell918]

I believe that cheating for some people is a one time thing. Those are the people that realize what a horrible thing it is to cheat. The guilt eats them up inside and makes them refuse to cheat again. Yet, there are some people that seem to become addicted to it. My husbands cousin cheats on his wife over and over again. He pressures women, lying to them, telling them what they want to hear, just to get what he wants. Yet his wife takes him back time after time. She lets him cheat. Those are the ones that are always cheaters.

[miracle29]

No not everyone who makes a mistake does it continuously. Some people cheat once and become so disgusted with themselve they would never do it again. Then you have the habitual cheater, the ones who use cheating as a source of fulfillment, confusing lust and temporary excitment with real love. Hurting those who love them and giving people a bad rap.

 

But lets not llet Jerry Springer, Montell, and Maury

confuse us, they only focus on the negative when there are a lot of good people out there who make mistakes and learn from them and then you have the batch who dont. Just hope if you do strike bad luck that atleast you get the one who is disgusted with themselves afterwards and would do anything to forget the mistake they made.

 

 

P.S. Its not just men who cheat, if you turn to the show cheaters and watch if for a good two weeks you will find that more women cheat then men. Strange but true.

[wolfmaiden]

New here - just thought I'd put in my 2 cents worth....

MY SO and I broke up 2 months ago after 2 (seemingly) wonderful years together. In the early days we talked a lot about previous relationships - he told me he'd been with prostitutes, picked up women in bars etc, just to see if he was still 'attractive' to women after losing a lot of weight and being rejected by his wife. In our last few months together he was spending more and more time out of town (ostensibly on business.......right......), and I found out he'd formed a 'close' friendship with a co-worker in the other city. Then, I started seeing weird sites coming up on the computer we shared......he was becoming more and more secretive.......whether he was just having emotional affairs, physical affairs, prostitutes etc, I never really found out - but - trust your gut - if he did it before, he'll do it again, and again, and again - comes from very low self-worth and self-esteem.

I, personally, will NEVER ever trust a man who admits to having cheated on ANYONE - whatever the reason, whatever the excuse - there is NO excuse......NONE - and to say that there is, well, that's just excusing and enabling behaviour.

Sorry if that sounds a little harsh - but coming from a relationship with a drug/sex addict...........it's my bottom line right now.

 

And you see all the thousands of guys on dating sites on the net - 'attached - partner not included' - pretty f***** up!!! What a World!!!

[lavender]

I believe that cheating for some people is a one time thing.

 

No not everyone who makes a mistake does it continuously. Some people cheat once and become so disgusted with themselve they would never do it again.

 

Here's my question. My ex cheated on me with 3 girls during our relationship. He confessed and i dumped him. Now he's head over heals with me, wants me back and promised he'll never do it again. Can you consider this as a oone time thing since we were having some rough patch during the moment?

[Cynder]

Sometimes when people cheat they regret it so much that they never do it again.

 

My husband cheated (not on me, but on an old girlfriend). He was so guilty and bitter about it that he promised himself he would never do it again. He hasn't thus far.

[Gilgamesh]

I believe that it is possible that if they were in a previous relationship that was ruined because of cheating and they were NOT forgiven and lost everything, that, that could motivate them to learn their lesson.

 

But if they were forgiven often in the past, it can become a habit that they believe isn't "that bad".

[Yonik]

A guy who cheats on his loving wife is a probably a pig, but ... there are plenty of those who cheat because their spouse no longer cares to be affectionate nor sexual with them. In men this is expecially distressing and makes them far more vulnerable to temptation from a woman who shows genuine interest.

 

As far as I'm concerned, a spouse who uses sex as a bargaining chip or one who treats him/her with disdain as you try to show affection (sexual or not) has already broken the relationship. You can yap all you want about communication and advice to "just break it off" - but in many cases that's just not possible. The financial ties and the desire to take of the kids far outweigh the convenience of divorce.

 

I'm shocked at the number of men who live in virtually sexless marriages with nagging wives. Not all of the me cheat, but if any of them did - they'd be vilified as scum while not a word would be uttered about the ladies. The world isn't all black and white and people in these situations aren't always all bad.

[zoot]

It doesn't matter if the wife(or husband) was loving or not. They should get out if they are not fufilled. Easier said than done but cheating on someone is not the answer. It's rude, mean, selfish, etc. I think the world is black and white when it comes to cheating on your partner no matter what the situation is. It's wrong imo. And the person who does it is wrong.

 

However, when it comes to trying to reconcile after this betrayal has taken place...that's when you get into shades of gray. Sometimes cheaters can be forgiven and sometimes not. You just have to figure out what type of a cheater you have I guess. Whether it's a one time "whoops" or a long time or habitual cheater. A one time "whoops" is much easier to work with but if the person is doing it over and over again whether it's an affair OR it's jsut with different women. Shows to me that they have no integrity. No matter if their wife/husband was cruella deville so to speak. Unless there is an agreement.

 

I think that a spouse who uses sex as a bargaining chip or treats him/her with disdain is pretty low and mean itself but being cheated on, no matter what the situation is just pretty darn low.

 

ALSO I think that it's probably equal when it comes to men/women cheaters regardless of what the show Cheaters says. Does anyone have any real statistics on this? It's interesting to me that on this board seems like the majoraity of people posting about their cheating partners are men however on a board like ivillage most are women - so it just makes me think that it's not a far gap...or maybe it is?