I need some insights on what you guys think....

[cingularity83]

To give you a bit of background info....my ex graduated college in May and has since been back home...after she left she sent me a few text messages and e-mails before I sent her an e-mail telling her that I was hurting too much right now to have any contact with her...keep in mind that since the day she left we've never talked on the phone...( my choice really...) so two months later after I've done alot of trying to find my "self" I decided to send her an e-mail 4 days ago just to say hi and see how shes been doing....she replied warmly and said shes been lost for most of the summer but shes finally getting herself together.. she also said it was good to hear from me even if it was simply just to say hi....she just got her own place and is about to start a new job soon...she also included her new address and new phone number and said I was welcomed to e-mail or call whenever I wanted to.....question is would it be a good idea to call her..its been 87 days since we have spoken... I don't if it would be a good idea to call her...much of the anger, sadness and days of feeling lost has been fading slowly but I'm doing better than I was 5 weeks ago...I don't know if calling her immediately would give her the wrong message...or what to talk about and what not to talk about...I really do want to talk to her but only if I am able to treat her just like I would any other girl thats a friend of mine...that is not getting emotional over things I shouldn't be getting emotional about...

[passions1]

It would be ok to contact her if you can picture her being a good friend when you do need some kind of support, that what friends are for anyways, not just the good times, but bad times as well. But if you think that keeping in touch with her will bring bad feelings from the past, then I suggest you keep your distance & stick to the friends you already have.

 

Sometimes, some people would rather start a clean slate & have no association with their exes if they were not platonic friends initially. However, I have some friends who are good friends with their exes & are perfectly with fine with that as well.

[chai714]

You can contact her if you can do the following:

 

Don't tell her how you feel about her

 

Don't become emotional, cry, or tell her that you miss her

 

Don't appear needy, in fact, appear happy without her in your life (fake it if you have to).

 

Don't bring up the past.

 

You want to create an environment (even if it's just creating an illusion) where she feels safe and comfortable. You want to make her rely on you for emotional needs, then withdraw to help her value your presense. These small contacts are ok, but decide what you want first before doing anything. If it's her you want, follow those very general guidelines to get her coming back your way.

[cingularity83]

I just got another reply from her saying that If if I was open to it she would like for us to keep in touch and that she would like to hear more about how I'm doing and what I am up to...but she said that I should let her know what I want...she also said that she had missed talking to me....and initially that would'ved compelled me to reply to her and tell her how I've also missed talking to her...I won't do that....I will try to keep my feelings mostly a mystery until she specifically ask about something then I will specifically answer...but I won't reveal too much of my feelings without her asking...The big question to ask myself tho...is if my feelings for her has changed to the point where I can't see us being a couple again...the answer to that is not right now.. ...I still have feelings for her and I care about her but I think that I still need to do some self searching and more healing...and so I will try not to lead her on and watch carefully things I say to her so she dosen't get the wrong message....I don't want neither of us getting hurt again...

[chai714]

Be vague in your responses, and don't tell her how you feel about her. If she says, how do you feel about me or something similar tell her that you like talking to her and/or hanging out with her. Keep in mind that telling someone how you feel about them has nothing to do with how they feel about you. So, if she says something like, "I miss you" you can respond with "I like talking to you, maybe we should do it more often."

[cingularity83]

thanks alot Chai....I can understand your point of view and see where you are coming from...

[salmonhead_uk]

Hey,

also sometimes it can seem that when you are trying to get over someone they get put on a pedestal so they are this nemesis that you feel you couldn't just pick up the phone to them and have a conversation because the idea of them is so shrouded in mystery and the forbidden - because you had to block them out to sort yourself. If you truly want to call her do it man. I called my ex in a drunken state last weekend - and to be honest it was just him on the end of the line. We chatted, i cried a little (drunk), but when i woke up the next day I had no desire to see him or call him again, i kinda realised how i'd progressed and how many faults he had that i'd glossed over doing this NC business.

I doesn't necessarily mean it'll be good for you -if you're still in a stage where being with her seemed like the best relationship ever it may be just as silly as a quit smoker having just one more - you'll only ended up back where you started. DONT do it if you just feel a bit pressured by her being so nice...it took a couple of years for me to really chat to one of my exs because we'd felt so much for each other and friendship is hard (as it happens that's gone wrong as well cos the feelings are still there 2 years on).

If you have a craving to call do it...i guess. Do what you think you need and want to do for you - not for her or anyone else.

Good luck xx