Sex - He can't seem to

[egirl2005]

My husband recently returned home after living with the woman he was having an affair with. She works with him. We have always had an almost sexless marriage (not my choice, I tried many things, he always said it was his problem) and now even though he asked to come home he will not come near me. He has been home a month and a half. He says that we never felt PASSION, not so in my case if it was in his he has never admitted it. He says with her it is animal lust that turned into love. He says he is not a machine that he can't just turn it on and off and doesn't seem to understand that I am feeling even more rejected.

 

He says he is very confused and doesn't know what he wants but that he loves me and wants to save our marriage. But every time I try to talk to him about the intimacy issues he says that he may have made a mistake in coming home. Has anyone had experience with a sex therapist? How does that work. I know you can care about someone and not want to have sex with them, but I don't think a wife should have to fall into that category. I would think that now he would want to look into fixing this problem, if it can be fixed. Sometimes I feel like he thinks that he doesn't have a problem anymore, that the problem is only with me, but I feel he is being naive. When he is with this older woman 24-7 and her three kids and her ex-spouse and seeing his son part time does he really believe it isn't going to be same old, same old eventually.

 

I feel like I should walk away now and not try to save this marriage (honestly with the range of emotions I'm going through I don't even know if I love or desire him anymore, but I don't want to make a decision in the heat of the moment and regret it later), he wasn't willing to work on the problem for the last seven years, and he doesn't seem to want to work on it now. He always said it was his problem but he never acknowledged how his problem effected me. He doesn't understand that it is not only about sex but that for me it is about him still caring for me, making me feel desirable after pulling the rug out from under me. He sees this woman everyday and then wonders why I worry when he won't have sex with me??

 

He makes me feel like a freak. How can I start to heal or move past this (whether we stay together or not) if he is not doing anything to make me feel safe and loved. He screams and yells at me because one day I want to end it and the next I am saying we should keep trying. I try to explain that my emotions are all over the place just like his and that I feel like ending it when I see him not doing the things that I tell him I need him to do right now in order to fix this.

 

We had a very good relationship except for the intimacy. We laughed, with shared dreams for the future and enjoyed a lot of the same things while having our own interests. I felt he worked to much and may have nagged in the last year (the last year I have felt like something was wrong and have even asked him how his girlfriend was) I believe I started nagging because he started to distance himself from me.

 

I don't want to give up what could possibly be fixed but he doesn't understand that now he has to work to make me love and trust him again. He just keeps saying it will never be the same again, I will never trust him so why bother. I feel like he wants me to end it and is pushing me everyway he know how so that he doesn't come off to family and friends as the bad guy again.

 

All the books say I have to do this and I have to do that. What responsibility does he have, what is he suppose to do and why won't he do it.

 

Sorry for rambling I'm just having trouble making a decision one way or another. I have been married to him for 13 years and dated him for 5. He is the only lover I have every had and the unknown scares me.

[Mun]

Hi there,

I don't know that you can fix this marriage all on your own. It's important that he want to fix it too. A marriage counselor is your best bet. I think you can work through infidelity and sex issues, but you have to work together.

 

If you were still laughing and sharing dreams how did it get to this?

[RayKay]

egirl...

 

Of course he has a responsibility to you and the marriage to seek help for this, or to at least discuss it with you more. But he is not taking it. And not wanting to work on it. It takes two....you can't fix alone what you both created.

 

And the feelings and emotions you are running through right now are quite normal and to be expected - sex is not everything of course, but the sexual intimacy a couple shares is very important, there are very few people who would deny that. Right now...I imagine it feels like rejection over and over again.

 

Not to mention that there is a lot of trust that needs to be rebuilt here - has he accepted or apologized for what he put you through with the affair, or taken strides to address that as well?

 

Honestly, I feel that if he is willing to just "let things be as they are" knowing you are feeling this way, and knowing he hurt you, and not wanting to actually put forth any ACTIONS (actions count, words are nothing until there is action) to work on this relationship....I think you deserve to move on and find better. Honestly. I know it's scary, but you deserve someone whom wants you heart and mind AND body, and is committed 100% to you, and wants to SHOW that to you. And is willing to rebuild your trust in them and the relationship. They are out there.

 

I say talk to him, give him another chance to go to counselling with you, and if he refuses...go yourself and work on rebuilding your own self esteem, pride and courage to leave.

[egirl2005]

I don't know? When people found out they literally told me I was lying that he would never do this to me. We were on vacation with my son in February. He was distant but never mean or cruel. When we came back he went on a business trip for 4 days he called me on the Thursday and told me the trip had been extended one more day and he would be home Friday night. On Saturday morning he told me about the affair but lied about who it was with, he told me he couldn't live with the guilt, he told me that he had come home on Thursday and spent the whole night with her. A month later I got our cell phone bill for $400.00. He had been calling her several times a day from the DR, he told me he had an upset stomach and had to go to the washroom. Since then he has told me he has ended it only to leave a few days later saying that he hadn't and he wasn't ready to give her up. Now he is back but it only seems to be in body (if you know what I mean).

[chai714]

I tend to agree with Muneca on this one - counseling is your best bet, IF it's ever going to work out.

 

I understand every single doubt you have. In a big way, it's not fair to be in the situation you're in. I'm not sure it's even healthy for you to be in it, but you seem to want to still work things out. Him on the other hand, seems to not really care about you. It seems like things didn't work out with her, and so he comes back to you. You took him back because why? Hopefully, not because you were lonely.

 

At any rate, if he won't go to counseling with you it's a pretty much done deal. Unless you put your foot down, he'll treat you like he is for as long as he can get away with it.

[westwind61]

As the reforming and returning cheater in my situation, I can offer you the following:

 

1. My sex drive has dropped way off as a result of what happened. I don't look at other women, I don't fantasize. Something sexy comes on tv, I change the channel. None of the stimuli that used to work for me apply.

 

2. I am in fact turning more and more to my wife and the intimacy is returning, both in communicating and in sex. She is very patient and has worked very hard to cure all of the barriers that were in her way before this whole thing happened.

 

3. Most important: there aint no way, no how, no possible chance for success in your marriage until the other woman is GONE. If he sees her at work, forget it, he won't come all the way back to you. If there are emails, text messages, drive bys, knowing glances, you two will continue to struggle. I think the cold hard reality of it is he will have to change jobs and she will have to be a complete non-entity in both of your lives to have a chance.

 

My .02. Best of luck to you

[Beec]

I've read some thing about this from the opposite perspective. (As some here might guess, I read a lot of stuff.) According to some of the guides on how to, if you are a guy, create desire in woman, there are women who marry men without ever feeling sexual desire. They marry a man who will take care of them, who they care about, who will be a good provider, but for whom they will never just want to take or be taken by. Their sex, which is likely to happen, will be nice, pleasant love making, but won't have any real lust and passion. Well, the guides, and myself to soem extent, think is all about how the man makes a woman feel. It's not about how he looks, or his money, or anything, it is about his animal value, his passion.

 

Since you know who she is, what does she do that you don't. Why does she make him so hot, and you have had a sexless marriage. I don't care how you figure this out, but you need to or you need to end the marriage. It won't work the way it is. He has had a taste of passion, real passion, and he is unlikely to settle for a passionless marriage.

 

He cares about you, he does not want to hurt you, etc., but there seems to be no animal lust in his heart for you, and this is probably not about your looks. It may be about how you look at him and how you act towards him.

 

A counselor may help you figure this stuff out. But you need to do it one way or another.

 

Good luck.