Mom is so paranoid and controlling

[cichlid]

She is so paranoid! It's disgusting! I'm tired of not being trusted and she always judges my friends that are guys. She goes on about how it's a bad idea to go to my best friend's apartment. Yes, he's a guy...a very moral, harmless guy who is very religious! I've known him for 6 months. I've been alone with him and nothing has ever happened. If she's thinking I might sleep with him and is paranoid about that, I am in no way going to loose my virginity until I am married!

 

I know she is just making sure I am okay, but I am cautious of people. My best friend has earned my trust and it's stupid how my mom cannot stop being like this. Her advice goes in one ear and out the other. I am a goodie goodie as it is. Sheesh! I'm not a little girl anymore...I'm twenty! I can take care of myself as well. You think she would realize I was old enough to pick friends that are decent people. My best friend is the most harmless guy I know.

 

How can I make her less paranoid and controlling? She controls what I can and can't do like I am a child! She tells me what music I can't listen to. I'm not moving out...that is not an option. She will talk about how she lets me and the older children make their own decisions to friends and family, but surprise surprise she does not practice it.

 

I can see that if I start dating this guy she will freak...so it's just one way on how I as hesitant about getting into a relationship with him. Seriously though he's harmless and I can't stand her assuming things! Grrrr!!!

[TheSmilingTurnip]

Well, hmmm...ask her what the boundaries are that she'd like for you to stay in and write it down so you'll remember exactly. I know this sounds silly but it might work. It could keep her from flip flopping on you and it sure is a lot easier to get along with authority figures when the expectations are set out in black and white, know what I mean? Good luck sweetie

[Jinx]

Has she ever met the young man you're speaking of in person herself? I may of missed that if you state she has or has not. If she met him and realized his values and how they match with your own (Not losing virginity, sleeping around, etc...) she might not be as distrusting.

 

She may be worried that you'll be lead into temptation if given the chance, especially if she doesn't know him well. She may of heard horror stories from other parents about their daughters doing such things, and if you all are very religious it is probably her way of keeping you on the straight and narrow path until marriage.

 

As for the music it may indeed be the same, she doesn't want anything that may corrupt and condone inappropriate behavior. You may consider a group outing with your friends, especially the male ones, and include her. This will give a better aspect of their behavior for her to judge on.

 

With so many girls losing their virginity before marriage, other coming up pregnant, and if that is within your family's major value system, her paranoia may be what she believes is the only way to keep you pure until that point in time - Thus restricting or eliminating alone male contact time there is less chance for any "accidents" to occur which could be shameful.

 

All I can say is attempt to explain and accustom her to your friends showing they mean no harm, allow her the time to talk to them, allow them to talk to her, try to concur on some basic issues of trust.

 

Further on this topic, my parents were the same or they tried to be (Didn't quite go through with me). Both conservative Christians (especially my father) and they regulated every point of my life for years from music to social interaction. They stated it was to keep me out of trouble and not bring home something they didn't want. I'm assuming it is probably the near same case, as it sounds similar. Since you have the same beliefs she does (just assuming from what you've said about yourself) you may be able to reassure her that you have moral standards and despite any situation you'll try your hardest to maintain those because not only would it cause her pain, it would equally be so to you, thereforeeee, problem chance is minimal in your mind. I don't know how easy should would be to have that talk with, but could always try, if nothing else, it would be reassuring to some extent.

 

Edited: For some other comments and so forth.

[cichlid]

Has she ever met the young man you're speaking of in person herself? I may of missed that if you state she has or has not. If she met him and realized his values and how they match with your own (Not losing virginity, sleeping around, etc...) she might not be as distrusting.

He's not a virgin. He intends to not do anything until he is married. He's had one person he's slept with and he says he wishes he wouldn't have done it. That's the worst thing he has done in my eyes. But he doesn't like the fact that he hurt his mom so much when he told her. I think he is telling the truth because you can tell he doesn't like to talk about it all. He's biggest fear is that I will fall into the temptation and something will happen. I know I won't because I've had plenty of opportunities.

 

I also mentioned he is going to study law as soon as he finishes business and then talked a little about him and she didn't seem as worried. I left the number where I was going to be at and she seemed a little more relieved.