gf's EX HUSBAND is really making her life miserable.

[boomer1619]

My current girlfriend was married for 8 years. She got divorced last DEC. and she has a 5 your old son with the EX. He is currently engaged to another woman.

 

My girlfriend and I have had a great relationship so far. Incredible, and very polite to each other. She has dated before the last few months, and he gave her very little difficulty. BUT, since her and I started dating, HE HAS GOTTEN OUT OF CONTROL.

 

We live three hours away from each other, and just since this last weekend, he has been telling her that he will stop at nothing to get her back home and give him another chance. That no man will want to be with her, because he will make her life miserable every second of every day. And so far, he has been backing up what he says he is going to do.

 

She is terrified, and she will never go back to him. He was abusive, and shook their 5 your old son a while back. I have never met the guy, and he has no idea who I am, just that she is seeing somebody, and that he doesnt like it.

 

Keep in mind, HE IS ENGAGED!

 

Im worried sick about my GF. I am going into town to see her this weekend for my birthday, and it worries me so much to know that she is going through so much, and that her son is being used for a pawn against her.

 

She has to exchange the kiddo every other day with him, AND EVERY TIME he corners her and forces her to listen to his junk that he has to say.

 

She told her father, and her father had a talk with him, and he rdad said that he really needs to stop because it will only make things worse, and teh guy told him, "I'm sorry, but I can't, I won't give up until I know that I had another chance with her." The father forwarned him that he would be legally in trouble, and the guy didnt budge.

 

What are everyones thoughts abotu this. What should I do about it, Im trying to stayu supportive, but also keep my distance and try and let things cool over. I wont seem to have to deal with it much. But please give advice, tell me about her options, tell me whatever. This woman has been nothing but incredible to me, and I dont want to lose that because some EX HUSBAND is psychotic!

[avman]

There is not really much you can do I'm afraid. This is something she's going to have to sort out with him. Of course you can be supportive, but I think if you intervene it will make things much worse.

 

She has many options including restraining orders and pursuing full custody. Each has advantages and disadvantages.

 

I think the best thing you can do is be a very good listener. Help her with the options she wants to pursue. Remain supportive of her and her son. And see how this all plays out.

 

It's a tough situation. I do wish you lots of luck.

[kellbell]

Two words.... Restaining order. What he doing is not letting her move on, striclty manipulative on his end. I wish you all the luck in this.

[snowgirl]

She needs an attorney, first of all. What this man is doing to her is abusive, harassing, and absolutely illegal. I am sorry she is going through so much, but is lucky to have a supportive BF.

If she is emotionally incapacitated, help her get a lawyer. It can be pricey, but the law is on her side.

[BellaDonna]

If he keeps making threats then she should go to the police. How in the world did he get joint custody if he shook her son? Did she tell the court during the divorce proceedings? Did he go into anger management or a parenting class?

 

They can still share custody without him being able to harass your GF. IF this keeps up, the law should get involved. He shouldn't be allowed to mentally abuse her and intimidate her like that- and frankly I'd worry about the child, because he sounds unfit. I hope he does not bad mouth her in front of his child. He'll probably get the child in the middle and ask questions about who mommy is dating, etc.

 

He needs to be stopped before it gets worse.

 

I'm glad your GF's father is involved. The most you can do is support her and try to gently give her advice, though don't pressure her.

 

BellaDonna

[boomer1619]

Well, I am not trying to get in the middle, I would only protect myself and those I care about if immediate danger came my way, and again, the law would be on my side.

 

He does bad mouth her in front of the child.

 

It was such a bad experience being narried to him, that she admits to hurting herslelf in the divorce. what I mean is. she went through a paralegal. She only took 15.000 dollars from him, so that she could get a place for her and the boy. She was a dream ex wife, only took minimal child support, because she frankly did not want to be bound to this man at all.

 

He is putting things into the kids head, and quizzing about who mommy is dating. As a matter of fact, that is hpow he found out about me, becuase the kid was so excited that his mommy met a nice man and wanted to meet me. When he was takin gcare of the kid while she was in town visiting me, h efound out where mommy went for the weekend, by asking the kiddo. HE FLIPPED, and told her she was irresponsible, and that he would take the kid away from her for traveling out of state to see he rboyfriend instead of taking care of the kid.

 

He wont let her talk to her son when he has her, because he knows that it hurts her and makes her cry. HE is bipolar, and last week, he called her and told her to come and pick the kid up, and that he was very eerie and acting psycho, and that he was haviong a bad day. All of this was a ploy to get her at the house. She was so scared that her son had been murdered, and that he would kill her. She did not have a good feeling.

 

Keep the advice coming, guys, you have all already been very awesome with your comments. I care about this woman, and it hurts me so much to know how she is suffering, and I am three hours away. I am so scared that she will end up dead, becasue he will just go off the deep end. She is afraid that no court will grant her full custody, she is just really in a bad place, and I wish the wortld to help her.

 

He also told her, "One day I will have my day with you! Take that as a threat, take that as however you want!" She happened to get it recorded on her cell phone and he didnt know it. That is how scared she is, that she is planning this stuff incase she ends up dead, and authorities can nail him.

[BellaDonna]

last week, he called her and told her to come and pick the kid up, and that he was very eerie and acting psycho, and that he was haviong a bad day.

 

She should get a lawyer and tell this to a court as well as the info about when he shook the child. If she gets another call like that - she should send the police to his home, or social services so he can be documented acting that way and sayign he had a "psycho moment" while watching the child. He can lose custody.

 

He also told her, "One day I will have my day with you! Take that as a threat, take that as however you want!" She happened to get it recorded on her cell phone and he didnt know it. That is how scared she is, that she is planning this stuff incase she ends up dead, and authorities can nail him.

 

Instead of waiting for him to HARM her in order to nail him- she should get this evidence to the police NOW and get a restraining order. He needs his sorry behind nailed now.

 

It's terrible that he is indeed bringing the child into it. I would worry that he will grill the child for info and if the boy ever say he likes mommy's boyfriend or that he thinks you are nice -the father may abuse him. He sounds ruthless and nuts. The child's safety is compromised when he's with that man under these circumstances.

 

BellaDonna

[avman]

I'm really sorry to hear about this. She does need to contact her lawyer and the authorities so they can step in and assist. This is not something she should try to handle on her own.

[boomer1619]

thats what I tell her

[boomer1619]

she feels as this:

 

I married the man, I had a child with him, its me who needs to handle it, and not bring anybody else into it.

 

I told her that that is the craziest way to think about it at this point

[avman]

Well, ok but it's not just about her. There is a child to think about too. There are resources available to help her and she should take full advantage of them. Those resources exist for this very purpose. She does not have to go it alone.

 

With that said, I would not nag her or set any sort of ultimatum. This has to be her decision to make.

[perfectliljewel]

i didnt read all the posts so i might be repeating what some one else said.

 

my aunt went trough the same thing... would it be possible for some one else like her father or mother or friend or something like that to drop off and pick up the child so she can avoid contact with him?

[boomer1619]

im not sure about that. he is a fireman and does that whole 24 on, 24 off thing. He always has to do the pick up/drop off thind at like 530 in the morning. Im sure it would be difficult.

[smallworld]

You've been given great advice. The only things I would add are for her to document everything he does: times, dates, places, threats made, actions taken, witnesses, etc. This record more than anything will help her if and when she goes to the cops or court.

 

Get in contact with her local YWCA or women's shelter. Ask to talk to a counselor and get advice on what things she can do to protect herself and her son. It's best to contact these organizations and develop an emergency plan before she needs help. The counselors are familiar with domestic violence patterns and can help her come up with better ways to handle the situation legally and otherwise. They also have accesss to legal, psychological, and other resources that she might find useful.

 

Book suggestion: The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker.

[boomer1619]

Ive been thinking a few things:

 

WOuldnt he just eventually just wear off and get tired, and exausted and give up.

 

Lets say that he WILL NEVER do anything violent. Lets say he just pesters and threatens. Certainly he couldnt go on for years?

 

In other words he's gonna do something really bad really really soon (which I hope to god he doesnt) or he will go on a bit longer, and through time, just move on from it.

 

What do you all think?

 

I recall being a similar guy when I was in High School. The thought of my ex's being with anybody else infuriated me. I would call, make a jerk of my self, threaten to do things like follow them, and call all the time, and say mean things to them to hurt them. But, I was a stupid kid. I learned, I totally became aware of what I was doing. And I went on with life. it took me a while to get over it, but I got exausted with it, and learned that I would not be doing any good by my actions. AS A KID THOUGH.

 

I am nothing mear that. But do these types of men learn liek I did. I mean hes 29, just a year older than me, and hes just not giving up, but hes only been doing this for about a week.

 

Please keep offering insight.

 

This girl is so wonderful, and she does nothing to provoke his anger other thatn go on about her life and pursues her own happiness.

[BellaDonna]

Ive been thinking a few things:

 

WOuldnt he just eventually just wear off and get tired, and exausted and give up.

 

Lets say that he WILL NEVER do anything violent. Lets say he just pesters and threatens. Certainly he couldnt go on for years?

 

In other words he's gonna do something really bad really really soon (which I hope to god he doesnt) or he will go on a bit longer, and through time, just move on from it.

 

He shook his own child- a small, innocent, vulnerable being, his own flesh and blood. He obviously has major major anger/aggression/violence issues. I fear that someone that sick will not heal with only time, and the more time that goes by- the more the risk can increase. I'd almost worry if he suddenly became quiet- it would mean his mind was at rest because he convinced himself he found a solution- god forbid if he plans to hurt her.

 

It would he nice if this could all just ware off/ go away but I worry if your GF waits around for that to happen- it will only place her and the young child at further risk.

 

This is not an emotional teenager still learning about life and dealing with a breakup in high school- this is supposedly a "man". He's acting this way toward someone he "loved" (scary) and also took the violence out on his own child. He might have the mentaility that if "he cant' have her...no one can". I hope and pray it never comes to that. I think she should play if SAFE and take care of this situation legally right now. She clearly thinks he is capable of killing her as you mentioned before she saved the message. That is very , very troubeling.

 

BellaDonna

[BellaDonna]

Also, even if it DID indeed stop one day, a month from now- a year from now...why in the world should she have to deal with the abuse until he DECIDES he's done torturing her. That's no way to live....

 

As you might notice I have zero tolerance for a person like this. I think he should be facing consequences NOW and have his behind raked over the coals.

 

BellaDonna

[boomer1619]

i just feel that i have to be very delicate in my conversation with her about it. its not me, not my child, and overall, I cant do anything about it.

 

I want to take he rto the police station right flippin now and have her take care of this, but peoples mentality ae really messed up when they are terrorized. i personally use the flight or fight response when I am threatened, but peopel will allow themselves to live in fear

[BellaDonna]

just feel that i have to be very delicate in my conversation with her about it

 

I agree. I think your best bet is to direct her to objective resources that can help her. Maybe the police station is too intimidating for her right now and a counselor from a woman's organization would seem less threatening. They can give her the confidence she needs to go to the police. Your role right now might be something like picking up brochures and getting names/contacts of places and people in her area that can help. You want to convey that you're worried about her and care for her- but you also don't want to give her stressful pressure because she already gets that from him. You sort of need to be an advocate, but a gentle one, if that makes any sense.

 

Have you ever met her father? He seems to be active in this. Maybe you can convey your concerns to him in a conversation and he'll take a bigger role in getting her help, and he won't be over-stepping his boundaries because he's her father. One conversation with her father out of concern for well-being (if you ALREADY know him) is not interfering.

 

BellaDonna

 

BellaDonna

[boomer1619]

Thank you so much DOnna,

 

I am really feeling and understanding as each new post arrives.

 

I love this site so much man, it really is perfect for these types of concerns, and wow, what an overwhelming amount of support.

 

Now abpout my contributions. Do i let he rknow "hey, ive been researching things for you to help you, or do i just do it"

 

I dont wnat to seem as if im helping to help move us along

[BellaDonna]

Now abpout my contributions. Do i let he rknow "hey, ive been researching things for you to help you, or do i just do it"

 

I would say don't mention it beforehand- unless she brings the topic up- if she brings it up it means she wants to talk about it anyways...and she trusts you. But if you bring it up and tell her you're "researching" - it might make it seem like a "bigger deal" or more interfering. While this is a serious matter, you don't want to make your role in it too intense for her.

 

If you collect the resources, it's more powerful to say you're worried about her and then present them right then and there. It will give her something tangible.

 

What might be a good idea is a nice day or evening out first, where she enjoys herself. Then later on you tell her how much you care about her and that you don't want to pressure her, based on what she tells you- that you're really concerned about her and you collected some information that you think can help, and you hope she'll at least take a look at it. Tell her you consider her a friend first and foremost, and that you'd do this for any of your friends. Then give her some space and see what happens.

 

If you can get a name of someone, preferably a woman- so she can have an actual person to call, that would be best. You can say "so and so has helped many women going through the same thing you are, and she said she'd be more than happy to talk to you about options".

 

BellaDonna

[boomer1619]

Donna your golden, and if i could see you i give you a big smoockaroo on the cheek, thank you so much for this advice, it is really gonna make my weekend go a lot smoother

[BellaDonna]

No problem. Glad I could help!

 

I just remembered- when you initially call some organizations they might be a little suspicious of you because they might think you're a stalker yourself- especially if you call a shelter. (Sometimes violent men will call shelters in disguise to try to find out there GF/wife is so they can hurt them again) You might have to do a lot of explaining before they give you info. I'm sure you can get it though because you're just asking for general resources, not locations or anything. A general women's resource center in her area should have most of the information you need.

 

BellaDonna

[boomer1619]

what should i do if I am confrinted or if I have a run in with him

 

this is not something i would do (go lookin for him) but if he were to track me down, what do I do.

 

to be honest I am the kind of guy that can really hurt people when I am threatened for my life. I have a fight or flight response. I just dont go around fighting people all the time, not my style, but i do get crazy when i am threatened

[boomer1619]

i must say that i meant to say that i would NOT go looking for him. I hope that people read that and understand that I avoid confrontation at all costs, but i am very capable of making people pay for messing with me