Im being jealous and selfish, but I cant help it.

[Colls]

Hi everyone. I am seeing this guy who has a 4 year old daughter. She is beautiful and the center of his world. That is why I feel horrible about my "problem." The thing is, tomorrow my guy and his ex, are taking their daughter to the beach for the day together. I understand it's very important for them all to be together for the sake of their daughter. But I am still jealous and nervous. His ex was the one he wanted to marry, then she cheated on him. I've only been his gf for a few months. I care about him so much, and all I keep thinking is that him and his ex will want to work things out. Whenever he talked about their relationship, he said it was awesome and he loved her more than anything.

 

I feel like I am being so selfish, because the little girl deserves to have both her parents together for the day with her. I am so excited for her to have that day, but I am so jealous and so nervous that I will somehow lose my boyfriend.

 

What should I do to get my mind off of losing him?

[Beec]

Not sure, find soemthing else to occupy your mind.

 

But also know that him seeing your jealousy will drive him away from you, whether it is to her or not.

[misery12]

Well here's the thing.

Expect the best from the situation. Expect that your boyfriend WON'T go back, and trust him. He's with YOU.

 

IF he does have a change of heart and goes back, then you know you shouldn't have trusted him, and he's not worth the time of day.

 

BUt, on the other hand... if you don't trust him and keep worrying, and he ends up being trustworthy, that makes YOU look like the bad guy, and only bad things can come of that.

 

It's your decision.

[RayKay]

I think it's expected you might feel uncomfortable - completely normal.

 

I think you also need to trust your boyfriend...just because the relationship was "awesome" and he loved her..well, in light of what she did, I don't think he would forget how she hurt him.

 

He may have WANTED to marry her, but look - she cheated on him, so I imagine his feelings on that changed?

 

Keep yourself busy, tell him to have a good time, give his daughter a new shovel/pail set to take to the beach with her, and occupy your day with working out, errands, a hike, shopping...whatever YOU like to do!

 

And trust....look, if he did go back to her, he was NOT worth it...and not worthy of your heart. But I honestly think he knows better. He probably realizes that she cheated, so is not one for him after all.

[smallworld]

Colls, your feelings are understandable, but I think it's a good sign that your guy has been so honest and upfront about his feelings regarding his Ex. This means he respects and cares enough about you to tell you the truth.

 

As much as he wanted to be with her, she cheated on him and he's now with you. If you really have any doubts as to whether or not he'd ever go back, ask him. Ask him how her cheating impacted him and whether he could ever trust her again. Ask him if he ever really got over her. If he seems like he's still in love with her or confused, then at that point you'll have to reevaluate whether or not he's the one for you.

 

As for the 4 year old, she's just a kid and doesn't deserve to pay the price for her parents problems. Just try to befriend her and get to know her like you would any other 4 year old. Who knows you might just make a life long friend?

[Meow18]

I can understand your feelings too.

 

Think about it this way though. He broke things off with her after she cheated on him. He could have fogiven her and gone back to her, but obviously she wasn't worth it enough. If their relationship really was awesome and perfect, why wouldn't he have gone back to her and forgiven her then? I'm sure now his feelings for her are less than they were when she did cheat on him. He was in love with her then. Now that he's not with her, he might not be in love with her anymore. If he was, then he would probably be trying to make things work.

 

They do have a daughter together, but that doesn't mean they have to love each other. We all have our ex's who did something horrible but were a big part of our life, but that doesn't mean that if they wanted to try to work things out with us again, we would want to.

 

Just try to remember that your boyfriend broke things off with her. She might have been a big part of his life then, but obviously he didn't want it to be that way anymore.

[Luciana]

I have been in that situation and I can tell Coll that she has ALL the reasons to be very upset.

It is innapropriate for this man to be spending his time with this ex. Of course he still has feelings for her and deep in his mind he would like a reconciliation. Do not fool yourselves that just because she cheated on him he doesn't still want her back and doesn't love her. People in love and obsessed with someone can forgive almost anything. Men who have been cheated have a VERY hard time letting go. It's their ego and pride.

it's the one who got away.

 

I think you have to be very very cautious because you may find out soon they have reconciliated. He can go to the beach with his little girl and YOU.

He is not married to her anymore and shouldn't be pretending they are still a family. I am surprised no one here sees this. I do because I was exactly on Coll's shoes and it got worse. I tried to be also understanding just to find out I was being blind.

[RooferGirl23]

i know all situations are different, but i have 4 step children who have both a mom and dad they need in their life. i was VERY worried and upset in the beginning, especially around the holidays when they insstd on being together, "for the children" so the way we worked it out was that I WAS ALWAYS THERE. its strage at first, but i got used to it and now 4 years into it, i see that it really meant allot to the KIDS for me being there. see if you can tag along. tell your parnter now you feel. i know its hard but my guy was cluless about my worriesuntil i told him. me and his ex have even become friends as a result.

good luck, go to the beach and have fun!!

[Luciana]

I totally agree with you Roofergirl: Coll should go too! If her BF is being honest and innocent, he will have no problem introducing his ex to her!

[Beec]

I would agree about going along, with one big caveat. You really need to be serious before you do. You should not meet the other person's kids until it is serious. The kids don't need people coming in and out of their lives. You should also not want to become attached to the kids of a person with whom you might break up. Then the break up is more than just a break up with a boyfriend or girlfriend, it hurts too because you miss the child/children.

 

I think if you just take care of him and make him want you, there won't be any other issues.