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Help my friend or do what I want too?

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So I have a dilemma. A very close friend is moving away for a new job soon. Not to far, only about an hour and a half or so, but far enough that he needs to get an apartment down where his job will be.


He's spent the last couple of weekends looking for an apartment and this is the weekend where he has to make a decision (he starts after labor day). He wants me to come down with him on Saturday because besides his mother I'm the only one that can talk sense into him so he doesn't end up with an apartment he can't really afford.


The issue is that my ex is taking the kids for the whole weekend, from friday afternoon till very late sunday night. While I know I'll miss the kiddos like crazy I have been looking forward to getting to spend the weekend with my bf. My bf works out of state all week and normally the kids are with their father late saturday afternoon till sunday night and that's all the time my bf and I spend together for the week. So the fact that my bf and I would have almost 3 whole days together is definitely a treat. Plus the weekend after this I will have my kiddos all weekend, so I won't really have anytime with my bf then.


My bf possibly has a job interview on Saturday and that's when my friend wants to go look at apartments, but my bf's job interview will only take about an hour. If I go looking at apartments with my friend we are talking 3 hours just driving, with no traffic, and at least 2 hours of looking at apartments. So 5 hours gone at the very least. Also, I'm throwing a going away party for him that night, which he knows about. So basically I'd lose the entire day.


My bf coming along isn't an option. For one thing, where he works during the week is about an hour past where we would be looking at apartments and I doubt he'd feel like heading back towards that area after just getting home the day before and knowing he'll have to do the drive again on monday. The other issue is he isn't invited to come along. My friend and bf are actually good friends themselves but my friend is worried my bf won't dress appropriately enough. I'm not exactly sure what that means. My bf does have a mohawk but unless we are at a show it's always hidden under a hat or bandana. Besides that he has a septum piercing and dresses in jeans and t-shirts. I actually think it would be good to bring my bf along, he's an electrician and has worked mostly residential so he'd have a better idea than either my friend or I of what to look for. I don't think it's worth arguing about though and I don't think my friend would change his mind so I didn't bother saying much.


When my friend asked me to come along I said I wasn't sure. I know he'll be upset if I don't and I do feel guilty about not wanting to go. At the same time I was really looking forward to spending this weekend with my bf. Plus, what if my bf asks about coming along? I'd be honest with him about what my friend said, and I know he'd accept it, but he would still be hurt. Plus if I go off and do this I know again that my bf would accept it but he'd be upset. He's looking forward to this weekend as much as I have been.


So what do I do? Either way it seems someone will be hurt and if I don't go apartment hunting I'll feel guilty and like a bad friend. If I do go apartment hunting I'll be upset that I'm missing out on what I actually want to be doing.

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One thing I've learned early on in my life is that you can't always be a "yes person".


You have to say no sometimes, and live for YOU sometimes, otherwise people will soak up your energy like a sponge and you're the one feeling drained later.


You clearly want to spend the day with your boyfriend and use the time off to relax. So do it.


Your friend should be sensitive to the fact that you are a busy mom and you rarely get time for yourself.


Plus you're already throwing him a party. That goes above and beyond what an average friend would do. If he just needs to consult you for advice- have him recap the apartments he saw: location, # of rooms, and cost- and talk with him about it later.


It's also rude of him to tell you that he doesn't want your BF to come. He should realize if you went you'd be doing him a FAVOR..and he should not be placing restrictions on you. He kind of sounds like a needy friend. Is your friend only child by any chance?


I think this is one of those times where you should be a "no person".


Just my .02 cents,




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Thank you for the advice. You are right, I do have a hard time saying no and this is one of those times. I told my bf that my friend wanted me to go apartment hunting with him and the first words out of my bf's mouth were "You said no, right?" LOL, he really is looking forward to this weekend as much as I am.


My friend isn't an only child, but he is the youngest and does tend to be a bit needy. It's not so much that he won't do stuff on his own, it's that he makes bad financial decisions more often than not and he knows that I won't let him (he likes to try and live beyond his means and never saves a penny). So I really think this is something he needs to work on on his own. I can't be there everytime he makes a decision like this.


I'm going to take your advice and tell him to call me when he's looking at the apartments and offer to give him advice over the phone. It seems like a good compromise.

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