Not sure how to deal!!!

[confusioninitself]

This is my first time on this site I found it looking for advise on my relationship and hope someone can help. I will try to make this short and to the point. My husband and I broke up over 2 years ago, I have 2 children and was sick of abusive relationships and being cheated on. So I decided to dedicate my life to my girls who are now 6 and 2. I went back to college and spent all my free time at home with my girls. I met my boyfriend this January and I was quite sceptical because I had lost all my trust in men but he seemed perfect. Great job, presonality, he is funny, loving and caring. Well we talked for weeks on the phone on yahoo and started seeing each other almost everyday. I am not happy to say but do not regret that it wasnt long after we started dating that i becames pregnant with my 3rd child that is due in mid October. My boyfriend now lives with me and my girls and gets his daughter in the weekends. So it was kind of like an instant family and happened to fast but I thought I could handle it. Now I am dealing with his temper. His father was extremely strict in raiseing him and I see it coming out in him now. When my girls dont do exactly what he thinks they should do he gets mad and yells he even swears and I do not tollerate him or anyone yelling and cussing at my kids. When he gets mad the things he says hurts and I seem to be so emotional at this stage in my pregnancy all I tend to do is want to cry. Now this is not all the time, 98% of the time we are great, we all get along great like the perfect family it is just when things dont go his way and he gets mad that I cant take it anymore. Then he just stays away, like in another room while I am all upset. Acts as though he has done nothing wrong and NEVER apologizes at least not sincerely. I am not saying that I or my kids are perfect but there is no need for his attitude and temper. I am not sure how to deal with this and with the baby coming soon I am getting scared that me feeling this way may complicate the rest of my pregnancy and or delivery. As I said this does not happen all the time it just happened again lastnight and I am to the point where I dont know what to do. I refuse to put my kids through anymore heartache than they have already been through and I love my boyfriend more than I can explain I am just not sure how to talk to him about this with him when he has such a short fuse and gets so defensive so quickly. And I have no one else to talk to about it so this is why I am here hoping someone understands what I am going through and give me some advice. Thank you

[RayKay]

I'd advise couples counselling - you two now have a child vested in this relationship - specifically to learn how to communicate and resolve conflicts.

 

Since this is part of his history, he may require individual therapy - anger management for example. He may just not KNOW how to deal with anger, or when he is upset if it is all he knows, and he may also see it as normal, or it may come out of fear & insecurities. As long as it is only during an argument over something "valid" and not constant verbal attacks, I think it may just be a lack of his own ability to communicate or deal with his anger/temper....I know others who are like this..not abusive, but have terrible tempers which explode into abusive words at times...but generally it can be corrected if they are willing....

 

It sounds like you both care about one another, and are committed and now have a baby on the way, as well as your current children as a family - so I hope he will be willing to go to counselling as well. Find one you BOTH like...

 

It sounds like you have been through a lot, so it is very normal to feel fear in this situation, and verbal abuse and so on is NEVER called for. But you also deserve happiness and a life outside your girls, and love again, so I hope this is something that works out.

[confusioninitself]

I agree with you I think that counseling would be a great idea for us. The trick would be getting him to go with me. It is hard to talk to him I mean we use to talk all the time about anything and everything but now if I try to talk to him about his temper or the way things just happen to change when his daughter is here he gets really defensive. So lately I have tried to just keep my mouth shut so to speak. I know that is no way to handle this but when he gets mad he like to throw himself and his attitude. When I say about his daughter being here that is a whole other story, she is 19 months old and can do no wrong at all. Everything is my kids fault just because, but like i said that is a whole other story. I would be very open to counseling with him, I have lost a lot of people on my life that i love and I dread losing him but if he refuses to go and to try then I am not sure what to do I cannot keep putting the girls and myself through this almost mental abuse when he gets like this. It is almost unbearable the things he says to me. I will try to talk to him about counseling and I thank you for your input.