What is going on here?

[anotherperson]

Hi

 

My girlfriend and I are going out nearly 16 months. We are both in college, and met in college. At the time she was still going out with her ex for a little over 4 years. She quickly expressed an interest in me, and we flirted all the time. I told her how I felt, and we shared some very intimate moments and went for walks. We didn't hold hands or kiss or make moves on each other or anything like that. I respected that she was in a relationship, and would have never made a move or even suggested it, yet I will admit I did tell her how I felt. She told me that her boyfriend was very possessive and that he'd be very angry if he knew that she was spending any time with me. She also told me that she wasn't happy in that relationship and that she suspected that he had cheated on her, but still wasn't 100% sure. She said as a result of this she didn't spend as much time with him and their relationship sort of drifted, but she never cheated, but went out a lot with her friends and without him. At the time she even told me that we could never be and that she had never gotten this close to anyone else before and that it wasn't cool. Then she would change her mind and flirt back with me, and on occasion put her head in her hands and declared her confusion and got quite depressed. She never made a move on me, nor I with her.

 

She told her family about me a lot before we got together and her mother really liked the sound of me, and told her to do what was in her heart, and that she shouldn't be torturing herself like she was. We were friends for 6 months at this stage. So in the end she broke up with the guy, and 1 hour later called me to tell me what she had done. She was really upset as you could imagine, and even asked me if I still had feelings for her. I told her that I did, and that if she wanted us to get together I would even wait as long as it took for her to get over her ex. The very next night we kissed for the first time, and had sex two weeks after that. Every body at this stage saw us a couple.

 

Her ex sent her very threatening messages and tried to reason with her. During a late night conversation after we had got together she asked him straight out, "did you cheat on me?". He told her that he had unprotected sex with a stranger he met in a club about 2 years previous. She told me that she wasn't sure if she believed him and that he may have said that to try and hurt her, but I don't know. She was very confused about all of that back then, but today doesn't give it any thought at all, she's well over him.

 

Now my worry is that I think she misses the life she had towards the end of her last relatioship with her friends, going out all the time but still having the security of a relationship. We are moving in together in the next couple of weeks for the first time. We're both really looking forward to it, but she isn't really in the best financial position. She will have enough money to pay rent, bills, food, etc, but little for socialising. As the deadline for us to move in approaches I see her worrying more and more about money, yet she was the one who initiated the whole "moving in together thing", and even found the appartment. She started crying the other night, saying that she misses being able to buy new clothes as the ones she is wearing are months old. As a guy I find this strange because I have clothes that are 2 years old that I still wear. I've said to her, look if you would prefer have more money for things like that as opposed to moving in with me, then it won't damage our relationship. Of course I would be disappointed and told her as much, but it wouldn't break us. She still insists that she wants to move in with me, she says she sort of needs to do it to teach her self some independence from her parents. She has little knowledge of what it's like to live away from home and pay bills, etc. She's 21, and her mother thinks it will do her the world of good. I get on really well with her dad, but I think he's a little wary of how much money she will need/has. She knows she will have enough to live, but little after that.

 

In our relationship we have an agreement that I won't go off out to clubs with the guys, and she won't do the same with the girls. Where we're from , going to clubs is really for single people and few couples tend to do it. I wouldn't have a problem going with her, or her with me, however. But in recent times I've found my girlfriend trying to find ways where she can go out, but when I ask her what she's doing she will say something like "I had no control over it, other people organised it for me and I couldn't back out". I trust her and I don't really mind, but it's like she wants me to think she's living her life a certain way so I'll live mine a certain way too. Next week she'll be gone away partying for 2days in another city with a group of girls. For the first time I nearly a year I'm going to go out with the guys, although I don't particularly enjoy going out with her, she on the otherhand gets all giddy (more so than when she's with me) when she's going out.

 

Also we used to have sex about twice a week. Now we're lucky to have sex once every 2 - 3 weeks. She admits that her libido is absolutely screwed and that she's sorry. I told her that it's been a while a few days ago and asked her does she miss it. She said she does, but she hates the fact that her libido is so low. I've tried giving her really sexy massages to get her in the mood, and last night we had sex for the 1st time in ages. She initiated it, and came within about 5mins of me penetrating her, and with about 5mins of foreplay before that. That was a record in my eyes (but not by much), but judging by how it felt, I'm worried that she faked it, just to make me feel that our sex life is OK.

 

To me this completely sounds like honeymoon period of relationship is over and I'm worried that she is now embarking on a quest to find the next "anotherperson" while she is still going out with me and has the security of a relationship. I know she wouldn't cheat on me, but when she gets very drunk I know she can be a bit flirtateous, but it's generally quite innocent and I worry little about it.

 

But what can I do or say to improve things. I really want this relationship to work, and I love her very much, but even though she knows that I would never never cheat on her (fidelity is extremely important to me), I've even heard her say "please don't leave me over this"....reffering to the amount of sex we're having lately. I'm not going anywhere and I told her that, but I would just like to help her. She however doesn't seem as keen as me to get things sorted, yet she would prefer me to be happy with the way things are. She leads everyone to believe she an extremely sexual person, but lately when we get to the bedroom she'll have a new excuse that I'll see coming hours beforehand.

 

please help

[heloladies21]

Well dude, I would definitely hold off on moving in together for now. It will just put more pressure on the situation and complicate things. Sounds like she's having doubts about the relationship and best thing in these times is to back off, relax, and start having fun in other areas of your life. Start hanging out with your friends more and let her be. Don't be so available and see if she comes around. If not, then it might be time for a new relationship. You want someone who can make you happy 100%, don't settle for anything less.

[RayKay]

Wow, that was long but full of information...

 

I would REALLY hold off on moving in honestly. When you move in together, the problems you have now will be only emphasized in greater proportion. Before you move in, I think you both need to be sure you are on the same path, and have the same reasons for moving in. And those reasons should be more than "her wanting independence". It is not really "independent" to move in with you, and I fear you will end up in a situation where you feel you are supporting her, and she will even resent you for it in a way...it sounds like she is also not really willing to make the sacrifices to live together, which can cause problems too.

 

Also, honestly, moving in makes it more difficult to accurately determine right now the situation and whether it is right. And makes it harder to leave, and more painful.

 

Has she actually done anything about her libido issue? It is one thing to say "yeah it sucks" and another to actually say "I am going to book an appointment with the doctor today to discuss it". Sex every 2-3 weeks, well not really normal I am sorry to say. And not going to "fix itself" either. It may be a symptom of her "unsureness" of the relationship.

 

Is she doing anything to improve the money situation - ie look for another job or get more hours?

 

 

She however doesn't seem as keen as me to get things sorted, yet she would prefer me to be happy with the way things are. She leads everyone to believe she an extremely sexual person, but lately when we get to the bedroom she'll have a new excuse that I'll see coming hours beforehand.

 

I just saw this and all I could think was....red flag. Relationships require commitment from both people - not just when things are lovey dovey, but when they are less than shiny too. Seems she is not realizing this, or feeling this herself. Stop telling her you'll be there no matter what for one thing...you right now with that attitude are setting yourself up for heartbreak and pain in my opinion, since she does not seem to share the same attitude. Anytime a parnter things "you should be happy with how things are" and dismisses your concerns...there IS a serious problem there. Relationships are not all about what ONE person wants. Sure her libido is low and you can't pressure her, but you DO want the intimacy and sexual relationship that comes along with a loving relationship and that is not a bad thing either. Communication, compromise, solutions are needed...not "ignoring the situation until you adapt". Read the posts of others in similar places as you are, only down the road (ie SlipperySammy comes to mind). Honestly I know girls who are like your girlfriend....make themselves sound very sexual/adventurous....maybe to win someone over? But it turns out its not that way at all...and no one ends up being happy.

 

These are BIG issues that need to be resolved BEFORE you move in. If they are not, I really would re-evaluate being together when the problems are here already.

 

You should not have to settle for someone whom does not meet all your compatibilities, and whom is not 100% what you want, need, desire. Plain and simple. Yes, every couple has problems, but if one is telling you "my way is right, live with it"...there are very deep issues here. Do NOT settle, or go into this hoping everything will fix itself.

[anotherperson]

The two of us spend a lot of time together, probably too much for the health of our relationship. I have money, and the time to go out and enjoy myself. Her circumstances are little more difficult and she is working as hard as she can to get herself out of it. She already works many hours a week, in a job that doesn't pay extremely well but is stable and one she enjoys (to an extent, I mean she tolerates it without complaints). This job lets her mix with other people her own age, which is something she sort of lost touch with over the last few months. She doesn't have any female friends she sees very often.

 

Today we sat down and had a big talk. She told me that she loves me very much and is not going anywhere, and I reciprocated. She said that she just wants to feel like she has her own life and that she feels a little smothered right now. She said it's not completely my fault, because she doesn't really have the time or money to be out socialising all the time, but that may change when she returns to college shortly. 4 out of the 5 female friends she had when we 1st met don't talk to her anymore, and turned out to be really horrible people as soon as she started going out with me. They put a lot of pressure on her to leave me, without actually saying it (well one of them said she didn't approve of us). None of them have ever been in a relationship themselves and are in their early 20s which is strange in my eyes. My girl just wanted friends who respected us and our relationship and those that didn't she kissed goodbye. But I know she misses the times and life she had with them to an extent. She tells me she loves me and wants to do what is right and best for us, and I believe her and I do to.

 

She used some horrible words today like, smothered, trapped, etc, when describing her emotions. I don't want her to feel that way, so I said to her "look you can have a life outside of us, and perhaps we do need to relax the amount of time we spend in each others company". She agreed. She said that she wants to move in together still, and we both understand that means we'll be sharing the same bed every night. I make a lot more money than she does right now and moving out isn't really going to kill me financially. She said that she is working so hard just to be able to move in together, but definitely wants that. Yet on the otherhand she wants to be able to go out with her friends to the cinema, shopping, maybe for a few drinks, etc without me. This is something we've never really done. I do trust her, although there have been some rocky moments with my trust in her, but I feel it's my fault and insecurities etc. But it doesn't bother me as much any more.

 

Basically I think a sollution is right in front of us, and something that needs to be explored. We both need to give eachother space to live our own lives. It doesn't mean dramatic change, but if she or I want to go somewhere with our own friends then we can without the other person feeling left out or jealous etc.

 

The moving out thing is only for a few months, and is something we both would like to give a go. I think what is really bothering my gf is that she doesn't feel like she has a life outside of us, and she needs to be able to change that in order to get out of this rut we're in. She asked me straight out today, "considering you're earning a lot more money than me and you know that I'm already making sacrifices to be able to move out, could you pay a greater percentage of the bills until thigns get better." She said she will of course pay her own rent. But when it comes to things like buying food for the house, would I be able to take care of the larger chunk of the bill (some of the time, not all the time). By doing this she said it will give her much more freedom to be able to get that new pair of jeans or make up or have a night out in the cinema (with or without me, doesn't matter). This is something she hasn't had in a very long time. Now I'm willing to do that, because I know she doesn't mean I carry her completely. But just make sure she doesn't starve or go cold basically. We used to go out a lot when we first started going out, but she had more money then. She had finals to do in college and was out of work for a while to study for them and she worked very hard and did very well. During that time I brought her out every now and again and treated her. She never expected it, and genuinely appreciated every one of those occasions. However after a while she just couldn't keep doing it. She didn't want to have me paying her way for her all the time. So when she finished with college for the summer she got the job. She also has loans to pay off so some of her money is going towards clearing off her debt, which is working.

 

So anyway this evening, before going to work, she called a friend of hers and arranged to meet up with her for a few drinks this weekend. I will miss her, but I think it's the right thing to do, and best for us in the long run. When we move in together we plan on only being around eachother at night. During the day I expect she will be off with her friends, and doing the things she has missed for the past while.

 

Am I doing the right thing?, do you think this will improve our relationship. I once heard the expression "absense makes the heart grow fonder", I'm just wondering is this what our relationship needs and will it be the winning forumula to get us out of this rut, or do you think there are many other issues that will still exist once we both get over this one.

 

Thank you