I think my husband is gay (HELP)

[Ptygrl]

I think my husband is gay. I am married 19 yrs, when i met my husband i was taken back because he was and still is very feminine. But I overlooked it because of I felt that just because he was femine it doens't always mean he is gay.

 

Sometimes I was very embarrassed to bring him around to my friends because they all thought that he was gay. But now 19 years and 3 kids later we are still together. We are more like friends than husband and wife. We don't have sex at all, maybe once a of months sometimes more. he buys me cloths jewlery etc... even a bedspread for my bed. . but that is not what bothers me..What bothers me is that he likes to watch gay shows such as queer as folk, and the L word. Sometimes i catch him on the Internet in gay chat rooms but I never say a word about it. But last night was the straw that broke the camels back. A very good friend of ours came out to us last night. And during our discussions I mentioned that I have a gay relative i would like to fix him up with. At that point my husband took out the photo album and showed him a picture of him. Then our friend was looking through the album and commented on how my husband looks so young and my husband asked him if he thought that he was hot.. I wanted to die..

 

At that point i still didn't say anything to him but I feel that he is gay... i don't know what to do or who to talk to about this..

I asked him if we could go away alone for my birthday and he didn't sound happy about it but he agreed to go.. he said he has some surprises set up for that weekend but I just don't feel right about it i feel like he is doing this because he has to ..

[Blue Skittles]

Yes, this is a problem that is occurring a lot nowadays. 20 years ago being gay was not accepted, and so a lot of gay people dated as if they were straight and married someone of the opposite sex to hide it. Now, being gay is a lot more accepted.

 

Now, I'm not saying your husband IS gay. It could be that he is just in touch with his feminine side. I know a lot of guys that seem gay when you first meet them, but turns out they are not, they are just intellectual and have no problem being 'feminine' as it is. I mean this guy I work with we all thought he was gay, by the way he talks, dresses, etc.. he even knits! but he has a girlfriend and is in a very loving relationship.

 

Just put it out of your mind for now, enjoy your birthday celebrations, and have fun. But I think you should deal with it, talk to him about it, and seek help from a counsellor if he IS gay... this website helps a lot too during rough times so you can always post on here and people will help you get through it, if it is anything at all. All I'm saying is don't jump to conclusions but its ok to talk to him about it...

[I_love_rain_hugs_and_you]

Ya, you should be really really careful about accusing someone of being gay. I remember in high school how many people said I was gay (I am not gay) and how much hurt, and how much it hurts today. Suggesting to a straight guy that he might be gay is the ultimate insult. It's the same as telling a girl she is fat.

 

I think that if your husband really was gay, he would try to hide it, and probably wouldn't be watching gay tv shows. Remember, most people who watch those shows are not gay. Maybe you should ask him one day why he likes to watch those shows.

 

Many guys who are gay but who are married to women are very homophobic, because they are supressing any sugestion that they could be gay. If he is not homophobic, he might not be gay....

 

Just talk to him about his activities....watching the shows, the gay chat rooms, and tell him how much it bothers you. Tell him about how you are hurt by these things, but don't outright accuse him of being gay. That would NOT be a good idea.

[Drewstoons]

Trust your intuition. My mother did the exact same thing. She overlooked my fathers feminine side even though all of her friends and parents thought he was probably gay. If there is enough evidence for you to think he is gay then he probably is.

 

I'm so sorry you have to go through this. I have seen what my mother went through and wouldn't wish it on anyone. She tried so hard to make it work.

 

If it all comes out and you find out he is, I have some words of advice from a child who went through what your children probably will... Don't keep it a secret from your children. They will find out either from taunting kids at school or some other way. Discuss it openly. It will be much easier to take if it comes from you and is explained thoroughly. I don't know how old your kids are but if they are old enough to understand then you should tell them.

 

Other than the initial shock, it's really not that horrible. I think its easier for daughters to take than sons but it gets better. It will be okay.

[I_love_rain_hugs_and_you]

Do NOT trust your intutition. The fact is that way too many people are falsely accused of being gay, and it can really really hurt. Some people even said that Prince Edward was gay (thats the last of Queen Elizabeth's II children to get married...the only one who is still married. LOL) just because he was into art and other stuff. But he definitely is not gay. If your husband is gay, he will tell you. Otherwise, assume that he only likes you, and live life like any other normal couple.

[Drewstoons]

I think that is a very naive way to think. Ignoring a problem does not make it go away you know.

[cam4u]

Drew is correct, ignoring the problem does not make it go away, but like hugs says, neither does jumping to the "wrong" conclusion, provided you are wrong.

 

After 19 years of being married, you both should have enough trust in each other to talk about anything at all. If his actions concern you, tell him. I'm married, 4 kids, very str8 & have watched QAF several times, although I do tend to leave for a drink during certain scenes . I also watch "Weeds", but dont smoke it

 

I think that the biggest thing to look for if you think your husband is gay is a lack of emotions toward you, not sex, because alot of folks' drive dwindles with age. Remember, a "gay" man very seldomly truly "loves" a woman. He may be bi-curious, he may be bi-sexual, and indeed he may be gay. But 19 years would be long time to live the lie IMO, not saying it couldnt happen as in Drew's case.

 

You truly know how he feels about you, remember "gay" is not just about sex. I have a bi friend that is totally "in love" and committed to his marriage & to have a relationship with a man would be cheating, something he would never do. Im sure he still looks though

 

Good Luck & remember, 19 years of marriage says he is NOT gay, 1 hour or so says he MAY be.

 

Cam

[DoorMouse]

Has anyone thought that he might just be bisexual and scared to come out of the closet? Maybe as he's getting older he may be curious. Asking questions never killed anyone.

[Kyoshiro Ogari]

Good Luck & remember, 19 years of marriage says he is NOT gay, 1 hour or so says he MAY be.

 

Unfortunately that is not always the case.

 

Saturday Night Live had this skit called "The Feminine Masculine" or something like that where this guy acted really really gay, but he was 100% straight. There are people like that, in fact I know one personally. When you first meet him and when you talk to him, you'd wonder what closet he fell out of. But he is 100% straight, just a really feminine fellow.

 

My Godmother was married for about 15-20 years to a man who to her and everyone else was straight. But one day my father saw him walking in the train station alone and he had this "walk" about him. My father never acknowledged him in the train station but he wondered to himself, "Is he gay?" He told me that the walk was so "out there" that it raised a pink flag. Unfortunately, my Godmother's husband died of AIDS. No one had any idea he was gay until the revelation after his death. He was a man who acted straight, but led a gay lifestyle behind closed doors. They even had a son.

 

As for your husband, it is hard to tell. Bisexual was the first thing that came to mind. The lack of a sex life and you two being more friends than lovers could mean more than him coming out of the closet. Is there any other part of your relationship that needs healing other than the gay issue? Is his slowly coming out of the closet and you realizing more and more that the closet door is creaking open leading to your distance.

 

How is your husband's sense of humor. Is he a riot? There are some funny people, I mean really funny people who joke all the time who appear feminine but are 100% straight. I don't think there is much to him asking his gay friend if he looked hot. I've seen macho straight guys do this all the time. If your husband is confortable is his (hetero)sexuality and likes to make jokes, the 'ol "do you think I look hot" could just be his way of amusing all parties involed. Also, watching gay shows really doesn't mean that he's gay. I watch the L-word... ok, Mia Kirshner is hot!... but I do like the show and I'm not gay. I've never seen Bleep As Folk though.

 

All I can say is have one of those long heart to heart talks. If he's straight and he is offended that you think he is gay, just show him the evidence and why all of it concerns you. But also try not to come out in a gay bashing sort of way, if that makes any sense. That will turn the conversation more violent than it should be. If he acts really feminine as you say he does, I doubt this will be the first time he's been "accused" of being gay.

 

If he is bisexual, then you have another dilemma about him fantasizing over the gay porn. If he is 100% gay, the same thing applies but of course the situation gets really really deeper. But either way you have to find out soon because what if he's cheating on you? That is a risk you cannot afford to take.

 

Let me see, 19 years ago was 1986... were there more closed closet doors back then. Was it common for gay people to get married to cloud their sexuality?

 

I hope everything works out for you. I am not 100% sure that he is gay because I've seen similar cases where the guy turns out to be really really feminine and really really straight. Whatever happens, good luck!

[cam4u]

Good Luck & remember, 19 years of marriage says he is NOT gay, 1 hour or so says he MAY be.

 

Unfortunately that is not always the case.

 

I agree with everything you said, however, if you are going to quote & disagree with me, please read my entire post

 

But 19 years would be long time to live the lie IMO, not saying it couldnt happen as in Drew's case.

[Kyoshiro Ogari]

Good Luck & remember, 19 years of marriage says he is NOT gay, 1 hour or so says he MAY be.

 

Unfortunately that is not always the case.

 

I agree with everything you said, however, if you are going to quote & disagree with me, please read my entire post

 

But 19 years would be long time to live the lie IMO, not saying it couldnt happen as in Drew's case.

 

Sorry, I just took that sentence for the story about my Godmother, didn't mean to single you out.

[cam4u]

No worries...

 

 

Dam I love this site!

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