I attract monsters...

[lillady898]

It seems like for the past few years, I have only been attracting the wrong guys. The guys first come off as really sweet, but then turn into a dirtbags later in the relationship. I meet most of them through friends or family, who always claim "This one's different, he's so perfect!" They're usually right. These men are definetly perfect... For the first few weeks or so. Then all their colors shine through. They end up cheating, lying about something that is a huge deal, becoming overly focused on their career (where they walk over everything and everyone), or become compulsive partiers.

 

I have many nice friends of the opposite sex. Of course, they are all taken and the attraction is really just not there. Too platonic.

 

I give everyone the same chance. If they ask me out, I go on one date to see if there is chemistry. If there's nothing there, we go our separate ways or become friends. Are only bad guys taking this chance?

 

Do you think people attract the same type of person?

Is so, is there a way to change who you attract?

[ShySoul]

Your more likely to encounter bad guys because they are more likely to go up to a girl and ask her out. Meanwhile the good ones are likely to be nervous, shy, or scared of approaching you. It isn't anything to do with the kind of guy you attract, its sadly that there are more jerks then should be out there and that they are the ones who do alot of the asking.

 

If you want to meet a nice guy, you'd be better off getting to know someone through some activity your into. If your problem is that the guy changes on you after a few weeks, then you would be smart to get to know the guy first, before dating him. Then you'll be less likely to see him change. You can spot out the real nice guys. If you find a guy you think could work, don't be afraid to ask him, or maybe just hint or ask him to hang out (not necessarily a date). The best guys are often the ones who are too shy to ask you first, without some sign that your interested.

[lillady898]

Thanks, that's very refreshing to hear that it's not something I'm projecting to these guys. Especially when this recent relationship flop has gotten me crazy. I guess the sad part is that I'm already pretty involved in everything I am interested in. In college I am involved in groups/teams for three things I really enjoy (politics, teaching, hockey; two of which are pretty male-dominated and should make it easier to find like-minded guys). I've met many guys in these groups, but they all turn out the same- hurtful. Maybe I'm just blind to the shyer guys' advances. Maybe I have a hidden fear of being the persuer rather than the persued. Regardless, I need change in something. I think maybe I'll try the idea to slowly get to know the shyer guys I've never really been introduced to yet. Thanks so much for the peace of mind.

[sonjam]

Im sorry, but I do believe in projection. Growing up, how did your dad treat his family, was he always around, interested in your activities, etc? It makes a huge difference in how you feel attracted to guys. Im talking about the "chemistry". YOu will always find chemistry in the relationships you are pre-disposed to. The "Platonic" and "boring" guys, ar more probably the good ones, you just have to work on the relationship first. Thing is, when you are in a relationship or meet a guy you don't feel the "chemistry" with, you are out of your debth, and don't know how to react, since it is not the way you grew up with or were taught to. You feel like a fish out of water. Eventually though, you start feeling comfortable in the relationship, an low and behold, the chemistry starts!!

 

How about trying it the other way around for a change?

[I_love_rain_hugs_and_you]

The problem is that you never really get to know these guys before you start dating them. You rely solely on a few initial observations, and what other people say, rather than waiting and seeing for yourself. Take TIME to get to know someone BEFORE you date them. You should get to know these guys for atleast 3 months before you start dating them. Don't even think about dating until you have gotten to know these guys VERY well!!!

[Tex1907]

I agree with what shysoul has said. Maybe if you become friends with a bunch of different people first you can decide which types of people you are attracted to and try to move further with them.

[lillady898]

Im sorry, but I do believe in projection. Growing up, how did your dad treat his family, was he always around, interested in your activities, etc?

 

Oh my gosh, he was super-dad. Everyone always told me how lucky I was to have such an awesome family, each my mom and dad and siblings. They were- and still are- by far the most supportive people in my life. Sometimes the support did become too much and turned into pressure, but sometimes it was a needed wave of stress. The only bad quality that could have been passed down to me from my father is that I'm very logical, to where it sometimes overrides emotions. I don't know if that'd effect bad relationships, however, because my emotions are usually torn apart anyways.

 

Thanks for all the input. It definetly gave me some things to think about.

 

Maybe, should I take a break from dating for a while?