Adverse effects of "no contact"? Successful concl

[Royltnxile]

I've been a posterchild for "no contact" with my ex g/f. It's been 6 months since the Valentines Day break up. I've left her alone and with the exception of a couple of cards awhile back in the spring, have not contacted her.

 

She has tried calling me a couple of times and not left messages. I have not called her back.

 

Lately, a few friends of mine have run into her. She is not seeing anyone. She has conveyed to them that she thinks I "hate her", and "probably doesn't want to talk to her anyway"...this has happened 3 times now in the past month. I think she feels this way because I haven't contacted her and because I didnt return the no message calls.

 

Is this a ploy to get me to contact her again? Her saying this stuff?Knowing her, I'm sure she feels guilty and foolish about how she flaked out on me, and how she neglected to respond to the heartfelt letter I sent her back in April. Although it's pretty weak...those "no message" calls back in early June may have been her attempt to "reach out" to me, given her insecurity, anxiousness, and general low self esteem. Maybe she is finally starting to realize that she really f*cked things up with me...in fact I think she does KNOW...hence her thinking I hate her and probably don't want to hear from her. The friends that saw her didnt confirm nor deny what I think about her. Perhaps she says that stuff in h opes of hearing "no, I"m sure he doesn't hate you" from one of my friends.

 

So she is wondering...isn't that what "NC" is all about? Making them wonder? I must admit I kind of like the idea of her wondering what I'm thinking about her. Makes me feel like I have regained some kind of "power" in a way. Makes me feel like I have employed NC successfully. To what end? I'm not sure, largely because I'm not sure what I want at this point. I do know I want her never to be scared to contact me, just in case the possibility of "trying again" were to emerge at some point.

 

I think if I truly want to reach out to her, I should do it, would it be best to remind her that I still care at this point? Or should I just continue the no contact? I'm not as obsessed and invested in her as I was....I have other options and I'm having a great time this summer. Still, this crap with her lingers in my head and heart. I know the whole "if she cared she would be busting your door down" routine...not sure it applies to her in this situation though. Everyone is different, and I already mentioned her insecurity, anxiousness, and other issues. I guess the question, besides what does her words mean, is when should NC be disregarded? If I can get some insight on this, I can perhaps address the bigger question of "is she worth it?"

[Bounder]

I too think my ex wouldnt exactly buts down the door if she changed her mind. Too much pride for that. But there are other ways, and maybe that is what your ex could be doing now. However, would contacting her set you back, in terms of expectations not being met and stuff? Thats an important one to figure out before you do anything.

[atomic]

It seems to me that you probably already know the answer to your question and just need a few people to confirm that no good will come from contacting her.

 

At the moment, you're on the high ground and are in control of the situation... you can contact her if you want but by not doing so you remain in control and can get on with your life. As soon as you contact her the ball will start rolling again and you're giving control back to her so potentially she can mess you around.

 

I was in an identical situation recently with my ex and she said "Do you not care about me anymore", I simply replied with "I care about you but I don't need you anymore... I'm sorry it didn't work out" - I feel so much better for it, have met new people and life is good. I've now just found out she's told a friend that she's seeing someone - quite obviously so it gets back to me. This sounds very similar to your ex telling your friends you don't care anymore... it's simply because she's not dealing with things as well as you and needs to claw her way back.

 

Be strong! Will be better for both of you in the long run. All I would say, never close any doors! There's no need to be nasty about anything, and who knows... maybe in 10 years time if you bump in to each other you can go for a beer!

[Royltnxile]

Hi Bounder,

 

Expectations? Don't really have any at this point. I think I could send her a card, or even call or text her without any expectations.

 

"Setting me back"? I haven't exactly been measuring my healing process with a yardstick. Feelings and thoughts about her come and go. They haven't stopped me from having a fulfillilng lifestyle since the break up, so they are kind of "compartmentalized" in alot of ways. So I'm not sure I can be "set back" at this point.

 

I was thinking that maybe continue the no contact and just run into her out somewhere and put on the happy, cheerful, and friendly routine.

[chai714]

I guess the question, besides what does her words mean, is when should NC be disregarded? If I can get some insight on this, I can perhaps address the bigger question of "is she worth it?"

 

She said to your friends because that's how she feels. She called you, you didn't respond. That shows her what? That you don't care about her. Is she worth it? Worth what, calling her back?

 

Don't call her unless you can be strong, vague in your responses, and smooth.

 

The question then becomes, what do you want from her?

[PB]

I think most of the opinions you'll see here is that NC has nothing to do with making your ex wonder or gaining power in the relationship.

 

It's mostly (as I understand it) about gaining control of your own thoughts and actions.

 

If you are still focusing a great deal of energy on what her thoughts and intentions are, then I would say that NC has not been totally successful for you (yet).

 

It sounds like you have a new partner that you're enjoying spending time with. On the other hand, I get the impression that you really would prefer being with your ex (if she were willing). Or maybe you'd just like to have the option of rejecting her (maybe for a little revenge, perhaps?)?

[Royltnxile]

It sounds like you have a new partner that you're enjoying spending time with. On the other hand, I get the impression that you really would prefer being with your ex (if she were willing). Or maybe you'd just like to have the option of rejecting her (maybe for a little revenge, perhaps?)?

 

Nah, I'm not bent on revenge. I've forgiven her long ago. I do enjoy the "new partner" but from yesterday's post which you responded to, you understand the potential hazards which may arise with her.

 

Yes, I would prefer being with the ex if she were willing. Just not sure I'm ready to let go and walk away without me "fighting" for her.

 

Chai...the question of "what I want from her" and "is she worth it?" means "is she worth re opening contact and trying to work my way back into her life, worth fighting for given her issues and fears...worth it because there's no gurantee that even if we reconnected, that she wouldn't run again at some point when it's going well"....worth it when there are so many other and more emotionally healthy women out there.

That's what I mean by the nagging question of "is she worth it?".

[Bounder]

Maybe thats a question that only she can answer by BEING worth it and not running and hurting you again.

[Royltnxile]

That's my point. Is she trying to "claw her way back in" and might she really WANT to hear from me because she has realized that she f*cked up and might want a 2nd go? I understand the "no good can come from it" attitude, however, people break up and get back together all the time. Life is good for me as well, I dont have any trouble meeting people, and I enjoy myself. I've dealt with this issue fairly well. Kept the high road, didnt chase, beg, plead or grovel. I didnt "fight for her" back in Feb because I felt the timing wasn't right to do so. I let her know how I feel without any of the stupid desperate stuff that people tend to do in the wake of a break up. Maybe that's why I feel I have stocked up on emotional capital to pour into "fighting for her" now that time has passed. This is what I'm wrestling with.

[Bounder]

Brillinat term, emotional capital. I love it! But, just think, would you invest in a company that has gone bakrupt once already, even if it looks like its changed....invest that capital wisely

[chai714]

Value is in the eyes of the beholder. There are no guarantees things would work out with her, or any other woman for that matter.

 

The cost of getting her back may be too high a price for you to want to pay or invest your time. Whether the price is too high for you or not is your decision. Remember though, there's a price for everything in this world - whether it be a monetary investment, emotional investment, or both. Nothing is free, but you must risk something to get something else. Without taking any risks you're living a worry-free, boring life.