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I've been dealing with my breakup with my ex of nine months for the past two weeks. She was abusive towards me our entire relationship but I stayed with her because I grew to love her and care for her dearly.


A week ago, she told me we shouldn't talk anymore because we needed to let go. I know it was more so she could start dating someone else she met. I just agreed with her and said goodbye. I immediately went into NC and stood my ground. She ended up texting me at 4am the next night. I was worried so I rushed to her house to check on her ... I'm sure I was looking for any excuse to see her. She was drunk and claimed she texted me by mistake. I stayed the night with her because I was a little worried for her. She had been out with the new guy, but ended up spending the night with me. The next morning she said that she appreciated me coming over to check on her. When I left, she said, "Call me."


As the weekend came, I thought about how much I was dying inside about her going out with someone else so soon after we split. I'm sure he's the real reason why we didn't reconcile our relationship this time. So I stuck with NC all weekend. She then sends me a text on Sunday wishing me luck on my job interview I had Monday. I didn't respond or call her. This has to be on her mind because I always responded to her when we were together. I figured she would have called yesterday to see how my interview went, but she didn't.


I'm wondering if I have scared her off by not responding to her for almost a week. Maybe she was trying to reach out to me. Maybe she realizes that she does want me in her life and wants to change her ways. A large part of me still wants her back although she treated me bad in our relationship. I am so in love with her but I know I should just let it go because I deserve better. Should I contact her to tell her how the interview went? I can keep the conversation light and maybe she'll open up to how she's feeling.


I did meet someone over the weekend and ended up going home with her the same night. I know she will only be a rebound for me but I think she's just looking for a good time anyway. If the ex really didn't want anything, I can always rely on this new girl to hang out with.


Does anyone have any past experiences with NC scaring off the ex? I'm wondering if the more I don't respond, the more she will think about what she is losing. If I keep NC, perhaps it will show how strong I am to move on without her. Can I expect her to try contacting me again or does she feel rejected and won't try again. I'm a wreck and need some advice. Thanks.

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Hey there,


I just wanted to start with by saying you can't possibly love someone who abuses you in any way, it's called dependence.


Maybe she is getting the hint with this NC thing and she is moving on with her life. You mentioned she found another guy to be with, she probably was with him all day yesterday. I can guarentee she will contact you when she is alone, to see what you're doing and if you are alone. Women are weird about stuff like that, they move on but the thought of her ex being with another woman wigs them out (been there, done that). Can't explain it, don't know why. That's why it's best to cut ex's out of your life for good so can heal and move on.


I guess the best thing is for you to stick to the NC and heal day by day. If she calls you, texts you, don't respond because that will put you at square one. Why should she have all the fun while you waddle through this, while maintainin some control over you? She is holding all the cards and liking it. It hurts, break-ups are never easy. I would try to take it one day at a time, hang around friends and family who care. I wish you the best and take care.

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Hi again Lost,



Her "good luck" was not a "please come back, I made a mistake"...so don't see it as such. You are reading into it too much. If someone wants you back, they will LET YOU KNOW IN MORE DIRECT TERMS!


Besides that, I really think you deserve better anyway, as I told you before. NC will help even YOU see that more clearly, so if she ever DID want to come back you could appropriately judge the situation and make the right choices.


Be careful about using this new girl, and hurting her, and also be careful of running away from your own issues pain into another relationship as you may just bring them along with you into this relationship if it ends up as a relationship.


NC does not scare people away, it helps YOU heal!

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Why would you want to be with someone who was abusive?? You say that you know you deserve better and that she treated you badly and yet you wonder wether to contact her. The answer should be obvious to you--no! Note, I didn't say easy, I said obvious. It's going to be hard but judging from the other posts of yours that I have read, you need to cut her out of your life totally. I said it before and I'll say it again, this woman is toxic. You need to maintain NC heal up so you can get to a point where you truly see her for what she was. If someone abused you in the past, don't go back for more. They'll only change if they want to, not for you. Besides why would you give her another chance to mess you up? She has played the coming and going game with you already (as I read in another post of yours) and you sounded devastated. My advice is to follow NC and stop thinking about how that will affect her. Think about how it will make you feel better to move on from her and meet someone who will treat you well.


As for the girl you're seeing now...NEVER use someone as a backup just so you don't have to be alone. Only date people you are genuinly interested in being with...anything other than that just ends up causing hurt feelings.

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RayKay and lady,


Thank you so much ... again ... for helping me through this. You two have been my strength from day one and it's poetic justice to me that both of you are women.


She just texted me a while ago and said, "I know you don't want to talk to me but I'd really like to know how things went yesterday." I have never given any indication that I didn't wanted to talk to her. In fact, I told her to call if she ever needed me. So it frustrates me that she would even say anything like that. Maybe that's what she wants from me ... to come running saying that I want nothing more than to hear her voice ... because that's what I did for nine months.


As happy as I am that she is thinking of me, it hurts more that I can't respond because I am trying to move on. I'm so confused! I'm in love with her and I've never broken up with someone while I was still in love. I miss her and her daughter, but I can't continue to build her up while I crumble. I guess it's better if she just went away because her contacting me makes me feel worse. I know I can be strong and not give in for now, but I just don't know how long I can keep it up.

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