Masturbation and Men - once and for all - what is normal???

[thatsdancin]

Hi everyone, I am new to this forum and have spent hours reading through other related topics. It is so sad how many women are struggling with their partners desire for porn.

 

PLEASE BE WARNED THIS IS LONG! I have far too much to say on the topic!

 

I have been in a relationship for just over 14 months with someone 6 years younger than me (i'm 32), early on it was agreed that porn was not acceptable whilst within a relationship (he used it regularly when single), anyway he agreed at the time! I quizzed him about it off and on and always got the same answer, 'no, I'm not doing that, we agreed remember', anyway about 4 months ago I was using his computer and as I felt uneasy about whether he was being truthful, I looked around and sure enough their were traces of porn and even female dominatrix vids. I confronted him, and he lied even to my face, until I showed him on the screen what I had found! He thought he had deleted everything.. he told me he slipped up, was curious bcoz just got internet back on at home a few weeks before - turns out he had been using the internet at his dad's place for porn off and on anyway. He reckons he has slipped up occasionally (probably alot more than that? - how can i ever really be sure, once you've been lied to and to your face how can you trust a word?) Just to explain about myself for a minute... I have insecurity and jealousy issues, have been cheated on by men right from early relationships, father was a charmer type too and there was sexual abuse in my family. Unfortunately all of this has coloured my view of what is and isnt acceptable for me and what is normal. So many people, and of course my boyfriend keep telling me, its normal to look at porn, guys are visual creatures, we need to do it.. you are the one with the unhealthy focus etc... So I am confused as to whether I am the one with the problem or him. He also masturbates regularly even tho we have sex nearly everytime we are together (5-6 times per week), he said even if we were having sex ALL the time, he would still want to masturbate. Says it is different to sex, sees no harm in doing it, says he enjoys it, it feels good and he likes doing it. Since being caught out and agreeing not to use porn again, he now uses tv, video clips, movies (ie: Mr & Mrs Smith - Angelina Jolie (dominatrix scene) and things like that. As a result I cant stand going to the movies with him, watching dvd's or tv, walking past magazine racks and so on. I particularly cant stand the thought of him masturbating over REAL people, attractive friends etc. As he obviously loves to masturbate and seems to notice any magazine or attractive girl around (not nastily, but still obvious enough interest to make me feel not good enough) ie; would he be so interested in others if I was really enough? He says none of that affects his attraction to me nor our relationship. I beg to differ, I am of a spiritual bent and I cant see how pornography, masturbating about having sex with other women etc. cant affect your mind or the relationship.(ie; taint something that is supposed to be about love and sharing with your partner) not objectifying women and getting off with your hand about many other women, in many other possies! When you have a beautiful, sexy, sensual woman all of your own.. dont get it! I know guys are different physically etc. but I still believe we are all responsible for our self control. I guess if you see nothing wrong with it and dont have any spiritual values or code of ethics then why would they see it as bad. It is easy to find reasons to support something you want and love to do also, rather than actually think about it and realise that in fact it may very well be taking their sexual desires away from their girlfriend and placing a very large wedge between them, rather than coming closer together, independently and with each other only. To me it really is a form of infidelity because just because it is a picture, in your mind you are still having sex etc. with someone else. Fantasy in your mind I think is ok, if the human mind hasnt yet been exposed to the extreme graphic of pornography then their fantasies shouldnt be tainted and are thereforeeee normal and acceptable. Also why is your partner not enough? Are they that greedy that they have to have as many women as they possibly can doing whatever they want, to be satisfied?? and even then, pornography etc. just seems to create an even greater need and thereforeeee satisfaction is never truly achieved anyway. Why not spend that time with your partner, building your relationship in trust, communication, love and common goals etc. rather than breaking the intimacy with selfish desires/sexual self gratification - whatever happened to self control? I'm sorry, I have gone on and on.. like I said this is a really bad time for me at the moment. I want to be true to myself but am confused, my boundaries were long ago pushed over and I want to re-define whats normal and whats not. Can anyone help me????

[Beec]

Lots of people think about sex with someone else even when with their partners, is that cheating too? What about if the partner pretends to be someone else? If he comes home and finds to dressed up as the dominatrix and makes him call you by a different name, is that cheating? What about when I see a woman with a good body coming toward me on the street and I check her out, is that cheating? At anytime or only if I think about actual sex with her?

 

You will never control what is in his head.

 

How else is his masturbation affecting your sex lives? If it is not, you better get the thought police out because guys think about sex with all kinds of women all the time. The decent ones just know how to control some of the urges.

[thatsdancin]

I know you cant control what is in someone else's head, and noticing and finding someone of the opposite sex attractive is completely normal. I'm talking more about preferring your fantasy world to your real live partner (doesnt that suggest a weakness). I know he finds me sexually attractive but as he masturbates so much he doesnt have alot of sexual energy left for me. And I have to work harder to get his attention if he has taken care of himself already. I just think it messes with the intimacy that can be made even better by saving it for each other. Maybe I'm unusual, but I dont masturbate much and if I do I prefer to think of him. Of course it hurts me to know that he prefers masturbating over 'whatever' than to save it for me. (It is probably a difficult one for men to understand but as you have probably read on the porn forum, many women are feeling the same as me). So are we all wrong???? What I am talking about is focussing more on relationship and communication etc. rather than fulfilling carnal desires with whatever society says is ok. Again I am of a spiritual bent so will have a differing view to others. I guess at the end of the day, its whats ok for the individual/s. I'm just confused as I said because I am uncertain about right/wrong and dont want to be reacting from/because of my past. And surely there are men out there who dont do porn or obsessively masturbate to whatever goes? Are there any??? who think purely of their other half or am I delusional and subject to life as a NUN???

[lunatic]

Well you did have a lot to say about the subject here. I dont agree with you on many parts of your post.

 

early on it was agreed that porn was not acceptable whilst within a relationship (he used it regularly when single)

 

To be totally honest with you when your in a developing relationship men will say anything to make their partners happy. He probablly told you that he would not view porn to make you happy. Be happy the this guy is not running around sleeping with everyone he meets. He is doing it to a video and thats as far as it goes. Men by nature are creatures of procreation and this was instilled in us from thousands of years of evolution. You cannot change the beast but, you can try to keep it in the pants.

 

 

 

I have insecurity and jealousy issues

 

Well this is where all the problems come from. Your oppisition to your man watching porn videos to masturbate is stemming from your insecurites. Maybe your the one who should talk to a professional on your past issues.

 

So many people, and of course my boyfriend keep telling me, its normal to look at porn, guys are visual creatures, we need to do it..

 

You should listen to how insecure you sound because it is normal for men to masturbate. If he was not able to or interested in having relations with you then I would say there is a bigger problem. I have been in many relationships over the years and I can say that even though I was intimate with my gf all the time I still did the solo deed.

 

Listen I could rip apart your entire post and tell you that your wrong. I am not here to judge you or your bf. You are the person who has to make the decision as to whether or not you can get past this problem. It is not fair of you to CHANGE him because you don't like something he does. He has been doing this since he was a young teen and it is part of who he is. You have to remember that there was a life before your relationship. You are taking his personal activities and making them your problem. You have nothing to fear about his masturbation practices. They are just that a fantasy that he probabally will not be able to live out in real life.

 

If your having issues with someone fantasing about something in his mind and your saying it is cheating. You have serious issues with yourself that needs to be adjusted. You have a low self esteem and you should think about that. So your telling us that you dont have fantasies sexual or otherwise? If you do then, your cheating on him and what are you going to start fobidding him from watching movies and walking by magazine racks?

 

You have some issues you need to address and you have even admitted to having them. Acceptance is the first step to fixing the problem. I think you may not be ready for a relationship with anyone because you have some major image issues with yourself. The old saying is you have to love yourself before you can truly love someone else. The ball is back in your court because you have to either live with him as he is or leave him because he cheats on you on a regular basis by masturbating.

[Dont Look Away]

Your issues with the situation are valid. The fact that his actions are detracting from your intimate relationship is problem enough. Are you really able to sit down and talk seriously about the issues? Ask him if there is something more that the two of you can do together that would subdue some of his curiosity on the PC and with the viewing of porn?

 

If he truly wants to remain with you he will have to meet you in the middle. You don't sound like a prude at all. You don't disapprove of his masturbation but don't like the fact that it is taking away from the two of you.

 

His reaction to noticing magazines and other women needs to be adjusted also. Yes as guys, we do notice the hot women on the covers and the sexy hotties walking down the street. Notice is the key word!! Out of respect for our partner we don't have to break our necks. This is a habit he has gotten into and he will have to work at it to stop. Been there myself.

 

You sound flexible enough and are telling him what your boundaries are.

 

The issues of viewing on the computer is a habit that is gotten into easily. I used to check the stuff out all the time merely for the shock value of some of it. Why not pull up some sites on KAMA SUTRA and ask him to check it out with you and then you guys pratice it.... 8) That may change his interest in the other stuff.

 

Just a guys humble ramblings here.... 8)

[Beec]

I see one thing you seem to be trying to do here, and it is somewhat common around women. You ask if something is normal and want support for your position. As ex gf used to tell me that when she talked to her friends, they all saw things her way. Well, of course, since they only heard her versions of what happened, but also because that is the nature of women to empathize. But even if you are right, what does that get you unless you jsut want to dump him. You won't convince him you are right.

 

If you want to get him to do it less, then instead of makign the direct attack on his practices, try a challenge. Watch teh Seinfeld reruns and let him know he could never win the "master of his domain" contest. Challenge his manhood.

 

But at the same time, look at what he fantasizes about and make it happen if he does.

[RayKay]

Well as a woman....I will say that masturbation for men and women is completely normal.

 

I do not see much evidence that his masturbation is actually "impeding" your sex life...you said you are sexual everytime you see him, and I am not sure that if he did not do it it would necessarily mena he would "get excited quicker" or anything like that either.

 

Sure too frequent masturbation may slow things down, but regular masturbation is healthy (studies even show its good for prostrate as it cleans out the system!) and not "just sexual", its also a stress reliever, as it increases the endorphins and oxytocin in the brain, that make us feel in a better mood. It's not about you "not being enough".

 

As for looking at attractive women he sees on the street, or what have you, as long as he is not leering, I think that is also pretty normal. Heck I am straight but if an attractive women walks by, I look at her! As humans, we learn early on what "we" see as attractive, we are biologically driven to look at attractive things - be it people, or art. It triggers something in our brains. I don't think its fair to expect any committed person to walk around with blinders on - what matters is that he is able to practice self control and realize that attractiveness does not mean he must pursue it!

 

From your post, it is apparent by even your own admission you have many insecurities around this issue and sex in general, and I really think you should consider therapy to address them...because without it, I fear he will "never do right" nor will any man every truly satisfy your insecurities.

 

The porn issue...well everyone feels differently, for every post you read in the forums, there are many women who don't feel that porn is something to get terribly worked up over, within reason of course.

 

I personally thing porn in general is not so bad. As long as it is of consenting adults, and does not actually interfere with your sex life (ie he goes to watch porn leaving you in bed or something) then I see no problem...its fantasy. And even something that couples can share together if they wish, which can be enjoyable too. However if someone is not in agreement, then the couple needs to discuss it and find a solution. It may also mean that if you have different views, maybe you are not right for one another, it does appear you may not be sexually compatible - and that is just as important as the other compatibilities you need to have to have a strong, healthy relationship.

[smallworld]

Your problem is an interesting one, because you and your boyfriend have such diametric view on the issues of masturbation, porn, and what they mean to you both. Rather than get into a discussion about what's right, wrong, or normal, I think it's more important to realize that you're both very different people and that neither of you is likely to change. Your boyfriend is a very sexual guy and he's not going to give up porn or masturbating for you, no matter how much he loves you. You're a lady whose familiar with the devastation of infidelity, insecurity and sexual abuse who believes that sex shouldn't just be a means of gratification, but a sacred communion between two people that deeply love each other.

 

I hate to say it, but given the way you both think about sex, it doesn't seem like you're sexually compatible. Your diametric ideas about sex say a lot about who you both are emotionally and spiritually and unfortunately unless either of you is willinging to make drastic compromises, it would seem that you have very little choice but to separate.

[thatsdancin]

One thing... I'm not saying that my boyfriend is a horrible/evil person. I'm saying how it feels for me (tho I would appreciate his honesty, lying makes the whole thing seem worse) as you say Beec women are generally more empathetic than men, this is why I now ask you to try seeing if from the female perspective just once, women are always expected to see it from the guys point of view and just accept it. Why cant men try doing the same? That would give a little more balance to this subject and a fairer conclusion. Also I completely acknowledge that I have insecurities etc.. and yes it makes me hypersensitive to some of these things, but it doesnt immediately mean that I am incorrect for having the feelings I do. Other women who have not been abused or mistreated, still share the same feelings about pornography and their partners extracurricular habits. And of course there are other women who are completely ok with it. It is not just about women who are insecure. Perhaps upbringing, religion etc.??? Even some of the men who have posted, agreed that it has negatively affected the intimacy in their relationship and have chosen to let it go to build a healthier connection with their flesh and blood other half. This is always going to be open to speculation and opinions aplenty. I am trying to work it all out so all opinions are appreciated. Thanks ..

[Beec]

this is why I now ask you to try seeing if from the female perspective just once, women are always expected to see it from the guys point of view and just accept it. Why cant men try doing the same?

 

First, more than almost anyone you will find, I try to get inside the heads of people I deal with and see things from their persepective. Your complaint about men trying to do the same seems rather sexist to me.

 

Second, why can't you get inside his head and see things from his persepctive for once. I suggested a way to get inside his head and get what you want. You might consider that or did the fact that I suggested it just get bypassed by your eyes when you were reading.

[Mun]

I personally don't mind porn or masturbation, but I do think it's a problem if it is taking the place of actual intimacy with your partner. I think this was your original complaint no?

 

You definitely need to talk with him and let him know it bothers you that he is spending more time with the porn then he is with you. He might have an addiction.

 

I have a friend who is very bothered by her bf attraction to porn, I have sneaking suspicion that it is not the porn itself that bothers her( she says they have a healthy sex life), but the fact that he doesn't do what she wants.

[RayKay]

I personally don't mind porn or bringing porn into the bedroom, but I do think it's a problem if it is taking the place of actual intimacy with your partner. I think this was your original complaint no?

 

You definitely need to talk with him and let him know it bothers you that he is spending more time with the magazines then he is with you. He might have an addiction.

 

I have a friend who is very bothered by her bf attraction to porn, I have sneaking suspicion that it is not the porn itself that bothers her( she says they have a healthy sex life), but the fact that he doesn't do what she wants.

 

I read original thread again, and I don't see where it actually TAKES PLACE of intimacy together? I don't see him rejecting her at all in favour of porn, or saying he does not want her, or even sending signals he does not want her. From what I read she is upset that he can't "wait and hold it" or "save it up" until he sees her again those 5-6 times a week.

 

Or am I missing something?

 

From what I read they are not living together or anything, so I assume he does have time alone/on his own when she is NOT around, and at which he gratifies himself...

[Mun]

Raykay, it's not... so why is she complaining?

 

I wouldn't complain, but that's just me. I'd say "honey if I'm not around just wank it until I get here"

[RayKay]

Raykay, it's not... so why is she complaining?

 

I wouldn't complain, but that's just me. I'd say "honey if I'm not around just wank it until I get here"

 

Ah okay, my eyes are still communicating with my brain then!

 

Personally, if I had to have sex everytime my guy thought about it...well, I would not have time to post here, or work, or workout, or sleep, or eat....I am glad he takes matters into his own hands sometimes

[lisica]

Hi,

 

I had a nice childhood and a religious (catholic) upbringing. I have never been a victim of sexual abuse or cheating. Like many women, there are things about my body that I wish would be different, but overall I feel happy and attractive in my relationships.

 

I find it normal that men enjoy porn, because so many of them do it and they all give similar explanations for it. I compare it sometimes to reading a romance novel or watching a romantic movie. These are things that I enjoy very much, and dreaming on about the heros featuring in those books or movies does not mean that I care for or want to be with my partner any less!

 

I share the opinion that, as long as it does not disturb normal life and a healthy sexual relationship, looking at porn is perfectly ok. If a woman has problems with it, it is an indication that she feels insecure in the relationship, for whatever reason. It's not the porn, it's something else.

 

I feel that, in forbidding the porn, it is you who is standing in the way of intimacy. True intimacy does not arise from forcing your partner to change, but from accepting him and trying to understand him the way he is. And where lack of sexual energy is concerned, it is my experience that men gladly go along if you ask them a few hours or a few days in advance to save themselves for you.

 

I hope you can work it out in a way you both feel happy with.

[Dont Look Away]

And where lack of sexual energy is concerned, it is my experience that men gladly go along if you ask them a few hours or a few days in advance to save themselves for you.

 

Yes we will....especially when asked in a leading seductive way...

 

No demands, just say "honey this is what I am going to do to you in a few days (use your imagination here) and I want you to save it all for me!!!"...

[thatsdancin]

Everyones opinion here is valid, at the end of the day, its how you feel that matters. I know, if I cant cope with it then I can leave. And I dont expect him to change everything to suit me. I am trying to understand the urge etc. Isnt anything that takes over your mind or self control a concern? ie getting addicted and not being able to choose yes/no anymore. That would concern me. It just feels a bit like we are being controlled by our physical nature and not controlling it. Also why does my bf feel the need to lie to me about it if it is all fine and nothing to concern about. If he was honest with me, without the secrecy and deceit I would be less likely to worry or think its such a problem. Also understanding that a little reassurance goes a long way. I know it is not his job to make me feel safe etc. but support and understanding would really help. I appreciate all of your comments. and for the record.. I am having counselling, he is aware of this but doesnt fully understand. Oh also, with regard to the comments about lack of intimacy - he doesnt seem to be fully with me when we are actually having sex, and its all over very quickly, ie; seems to want to get it over and done with. There was a period of about 3 wks that he agreed not to masturbate at all and I have to say the difference was amazing. So having experienced the two phases I can see how it really has changed the way we relate in bed. and it seems to be more about *##*ing than 'making love'! There is definitely a place for both I know that, but it seems not much of the latter ocurrs. He wants me to dress in certain things all the time, so I really do end up just feeling like an extra in his porn flick. So if there was more of a balance in that regard maybe I wouldnt feel like the porn etc. is affecting his focus, but it is hard for me to believe this given the lack of natural intimacy. I can dig that stuff at times, but not All the time, lovemaking in the good old fashioned sense is something I believe still needs to happen.

[thatsdancin]

THIS IS FROM A GUY WHO POSTED IN THE RELATIONSHIP CONFLICTS TOPIC... 'MY BOYFRIEND AND PORN'.

 

 

I found this thread while doing some research for a website I've been working on. I'm a guy who used to look at porn, and am a much happier person since I've stopped. Stopping was one of the most difficult things I've ever done. The more facts I gather, the more I am worried about some of the casual acceptance and responses I read lately. I DON'T think that a woman or man should have to worry about what their parnter does after they go to bed at night. They shouldn't have to worry what he (or she, but usually he) does between the hours of 12 and 3am. Plenty of guys are in relationships with very attractive women who are sexually available, and are choosing porn over them. What's going on? This has happened to me, so I think I have some perspective on the issue. At its worst, I could have sex with my very beautiful girlfriend at the time, and then when she was in the shower getting ready for bed, I could be looking at porn and getting off. I don't understand why anybody would want that or find it acceptable for them or their partner. It completely destroys the intimacy in the relationship. It's not really a choice that he is probably even consciously making. And society is so lukewarm about doing anything about it that he hardly has a reason to stop. Today, you're practically considered weird if you don't look at porn. Relationship with others is what life is all about. Porn is about a relationship with yourself. The greatest joys in life comes from helping and giving back to others. As a person who dabbles in porn, you are not interested in pleasing even your partner. Your primary concern is to please yourself.

 

As for what to do, I think that if more women would actually stand up to their boyfriends or spouses, some attitudes might start to change. If you can't get him to change by moving out, then you don't need him in your life. I know this is a very hard thing to accept, but you shouldn't have to put up with it. You deserve better. But you do owe it to your man to give him the opportunity to change. But don't be lukewarm about it either. Lay down the law, and if you don't see him at least trying to change, the you may have to walk away. You can help him along the path, but stopping this destructive cycle means that people must transform a lot of their personal habits into healthier ones. If you are just starting a relationship and you are aware that porn is a problem, don't think that things will change. It would but far easier to start fresh than try to move a mountain. The bottom line is, clear the air with your partner, find out if he's been hiding this crap, and then go from there. Chances are when he finds out more facts about it he will be willing to change.

 

Someone on this thread said, you shouldn't expect him to change for you. Well guess what? Maybe he should have told you that a few years into the relationship he would rather sit in a corner and masturbate all night while looking at porn than have sex with you. So you can't expect him to change, but he can get away with murder? What are you thinking?

 

 

Think about all that time he spends looking at porn. What if he used it to do something productive? To work on your relationship? To become a better person? To get involved in a productive hobby that is rewarding to himself and others? I read a post on another site that said all men are just horny monsters. That's not true. But you have to be strong enough to show him that you won't put up with a horny monster in your house, it's his choice, and you can both do something about this problem.

 

The site I've been working on is called link removed and I've tried to go into depth to answer a lot of these quesitons in detail. I would really like to include some of the sories I've read on this board. If anyone wants to check it out and contribute to this just send me an email from the site. Your help can go a long way to promoting awareness about this ever growing problem.

[asdf]

Just to give my own opinion, cause I think you'd be interested, and I don't mean it offensively:

 

It seems like you're going out with a younger guy because you want control over your relationship situation. I've been in relationships with women older than me (oldest was 8 years older than me) and the thing about nearly all of them was while they seemed mature and confident at first, later you see that they're way more insecure, posessive and obsessive than the younger girls.

 

They all had some kind of issues with men. Your issues with previous incidents in which you've been cheated on and plus your father's behaviour are really something that will hinder your ability to have a healthy relationship. The fact that you are having counselling is good.

 

If he does prefer masturbation to sex however, then that not likely to be a healthy sexual relationship. I can't speak for other guys, but I think the majority of guys who are attracted to their partners would prefer sex over masturbation.

 

What I think the thing is, is that he just has a lot of sexual fantasies, and that he's the experimental type, and he probably thought you wouldn't like the idea of being part of his sex fantasy (maybe he treats you as the type to "make love" rather) and he just wanted to satisfy that part of himself. Like you said about that dominatrix thing from that movie, he might have fantasies about being dominated, but thought that you wouldn't go along with it. He might have very well been fantasizing about you dominating him.

 

Just my guess.

[Zen20]

I know where you are coming from because I have dealt with a simmaler type of problem. Although my boyfriend told me about it and is trying to stop because he thinks that porn is only making his life more unhealthy psychologically. Still, he slips up now and then.

 

I can almost understand his problem because we are waiting for marriage, and we don't have sex. I know that if we could that it would be less of a problem because I am a woman with a healthy appetite and an open mind. I know that he needs ways of release, and I agree that masturbation is healthy, for men especially. it's just the part of him looking up stuff on the net that bugs me, that he gets used to seeing those perfect photoshopped women and that I won't be able to compete. I have confidence in my self image, but I'm still not a photoshopped picture! Not to mention because of my religion I believe porn in general is wrong...but that's a different story.

 

In my mind, if two people were married and had this problem, my solution would be to give my guy sexy pictures of me to look at, in lots of different costumes (birthday suit included, of course). Keeping things new and interesting in bed would also dim a guys need to look up stuff since one reason they do is because they crave something new to look at or do. Men are visual after all.

 

In the situation of being only bf and gf, it's a bit more difficult. My advise is to really look things over in your relationship. If he lies to you about something, that's a good indication that he lies to you about a lot more things. If that bugs you, as well as his thing with porn, you should consider getting out of that relationship. He wont change for you if he thinks porn is something that's okay to do. If you really want to stay with him maybe you should have a frank talk with him. Tell him that his looking up porn hurts you, and explain your feelings. If he doesn't seem to mind that it hurts you when he does these things, then there is definetly something wrong. If porn is more important to him than having you, then leave him with his porn.

 

besides, asking him to stop looking at boobies when he gets off isn't as if asking him to stop maturbateing all together. It doesn't always take a picture to get men turned on, it's not like porn is the on swhich for an erection.

 

anyway, I tried, does any of it make sense? hope I helped in some way. Just remember that you are a beautiful and unique person, and there is no one like you out there. No matter what this guy makes you feel, it's always true.

[Mun]

Also why does my bf feel the need to lie to me about it if it is all fine and nothing to concern about. If he was honest with me, without the secrecy and deceit I would be less likely to worry or think its such a problem.

 

I would say to you what I said to my friend : He is lying to you about it and hiding it from you because a) he knows it will upset you and doesn't want the argument. b) He doesn't want to hurt you. It's a never ending cycle. You get upset=he lies.

 

I believe that if you were a bit more open about this and shared some of your fantasies with him and even invited him to engage in some "play" with you it would open up that communication and intimacy. You would get closer to each other because the trust and intimacy would be there. I think a couple that plays together stays together...that includes sex. Or am I being naive here?

 

I understand you feel a bit pushed aside and maybe even forgotten because of the time he spends pleasuring himself. I guess if this is such a big issue you will give him the boot. I wonder though if you will find a guy that doesn't masturbate at all.

[Beec]

I wonder though if you will find a guy that doesn't masturbate at all.

 

9 out of 10 men will tell you he masturbates. The other one is lying.

[lunatic]

out of 10 men will tell you he masturbates. The other one is lying.

HAHAHAHA that is the exact thing I thought about when I was reading Muneca's post!!!

 

Thanks for the laugh!!!!

 

HAHAHAHA

[SlipperySammy]

You are making way to much out of this!

 

1. Men masterbate...get over it.

 

2. 90% of men will look at porn at some point, this does not make them deviant or perverted.

 

3. Just because you find a certian kind of porn on some ones computer does not mean the are 'in' to that kind of sex or porn. I am sure there is alot of weird random crap on my computer that got there from other people using my comp, pop ups, random web browsing etc...

 

4. You snooped the computer in an attempt to bust him...and you put him an a bad position by making him promise not to look at porn ever...this is very bad for the relationship long term.

 

5. Get off his balls, I feel bad for this guy being forced to feel guilty and ashamed of himself.

[SlipperySammy]

I just went back and read more this thread....you made him agree to stop masterbating! For three weeks...and you don't live togethor!

 

How can you do that? Thats liek asking a man to go with out pooping for a week...the male body needs to relive itself sometimes, and it is completely normal and natural.

 

You also mentioned that during sex he doesn't last long....I wouldn't either if I hand't 'gotten off' in teh past few days.

 

You need to leave him alone, and let him be himself.

 

I am not a big fan of porn, and if some one is obsessing over it is is unhealthy...but porn does not neccessarilly equal deviant behavior.