How do dumpers feel?

[DRB]

unchained melody (go the Aussies!)

 

Reading yours is like I'm reading my own, I have so been where you are.

The bit that really hits home is when you said they give up and don't want to fix it. This was a HUGE thing for me, I felt like my girlf gave up, she had probs and didn't tell me so I never saw the break up coming and I agree whole heartedly when you say "lets just give it a chance and if it doesn't work then fair enough" (or words to that affect). It worked so good for so long and now there is things that "can't possibly" be fixed, well how about we try.

 

Granted there is times where things can't be fixed but I think they are extemes such as abuse or cheating (even then I think cheating can be over come). I believe that all problems can be over come if both parties want to try. One person usually gives up and I suppose that leads to marriage not being as sacred as it was. People see getting out as easier then fixing what you have in front of you. If it was so good once why can't it be again, why isn't it worth fighting for.

 

And don't give me this "we grew apart" crap, if you are a couple you learn how to either grow together or meet somewhere in the middle. You grow apart if you let it.

[Unchained_melody]

Hey thanks for replying.

 

I'm relieved you understand me too. God! I feel like giving you my ex's mob number then you can knock some sense into him.

 

He did tell me that 'grew apart' crap too. He said 'let's be friends for now, cause all we are right now are really good friends.'

 

And I asked him why? and then he said 'We can't be like before coz i've lost that intimate and romantic feeling with you, so my feelings towards you isn't sexual anymore so what do you call that?'

 

And I said 'I call it, lovers who sometimes have non intimate days I mean being intimate or romantic isn't a full time job, alot of married people don't even sleep together anymore yet they're married.'.

 

His definition of a non-intimate and romantic relationship are in other words just 'friendship'. He told me this when he wanted some time apart.

 

Actually the other day i called him because he said he didn't have any credit on his mobile and his phone line is getting cut off so it's best i call him. He said he wanted to call me before but he just couldn't.

 

I asked him just to get some closure I said - 'So are you really giving up on us?'. He went silent for about a few seconds. then he said - 'Right now I just wanna get some more money so basically i can see you and it also means i got some money in my pocket just so i don't have to live with just bread and water.' That's what he said. Yet I don't know if that means - YES I want to get back with u but not now or NO I just want more money??

 

Does anyone have any opinions on what he said?.

 

Also he kept asking me if I had found someone new. Cause i told him how i am hanging out with my friends who are guys had a few drinks and so on. So he's been asking me how my new boyfriend was and I was like 'What boyfriend?' I'm just with my friend who aparently is a guy.

 

Frankly it still hurts. It's real late right now but i can't sleep. It's either the flashbacks that keep me awake or the thought of him not loving me anymore.

This is his first time of ever 'dumping' anybody before, but it seems like he doesn't mind it. It bothers me how he was kind of like a bestfriend to me too and i used to share my feelings with him, and initially in times like this when i need somebody to talk to i can't because it's him.

[Not_GoodEnough]

I agree 1000% with everything you said. Every word. Dumpers DON'T feel guilty. To top it off they get vehemently ANGRY when you make them FEEL guilty because they ARE guilty and they don't want to face their guilt. This is partially their parents fault if they had parents who let them to everything they wanted without saying anything except the infamous words "It's your decision hunny". People like that are too immature and don't have the capacity to want to grow up. They never will. They will never learn unless it is done to them. If they have a really poor sense of judgement they will never fathom, after THEY get hurt, of the damage they previously did to someone else.

 

The kind of person you described in your thread is a person who was loved too much as a child and allowed to have their own way without hardly any discipline- the usual scenario. I had my heart smashed 3 weeks ago. Does she care? No. Unless she's already done so, she's "orally" giving pleasure to and receiving "oral" pleasure from some guy while having "no conscience" (which is the part I'm mad about and not that she's with another guy). I'm mad that she has no conscience about what she just did to me- "getting off" with someone shortly after slicing my throat- while I lay in a pool of blood from her dagger. Really mature and SO grown up huh?

 

So, NO. They don't care because if they DID CARE they would have a spine or MAKE a spine to MAKE it work. You have my utmost sympathies.

[Ding]

When you talk about 'dumpers' this is 50% of the population we're talking about here - they are not some rare breed of nasty, emotionally inept people that go around breaking people's hearts for the fun of it. They are just one half of ALL relationships that have ever failed who realise for whatever reason that they are not happy anymore and have to make the decision to call it quits.

 

If a relationship was right and well matched, the thought of leaving wouldnt even enter each person's head. There is something fundamentally wrong in a relationship for someone to want to leave and it, and even if the way they do it seems cowardly or unfair - the point is that they werent happy and so they rightly ended the situation. It is the acceptance of this and what can be learnt from it that I think is the most important thing. And this will come after the anger has passes.

 

Not everything can be fixed by talking things through and working on them together. People will not change inherent characteristics about themselves - and nor should they. Sometimes its as simple as incompatibility. A relationship should not feel like something that constantly has to be worked upon and patched up and where the people in it have to change constantly who they are to make the other person not leave. And people who end relationships should not be victimised just because they don't want to work on things anymore. Sometimes things just can't be worked on (for example my partner had a huge computer game addiction - I knew he wouldnt change, and nor should he change who he is for someone else. He was inherently not right for me. I just did not see a future with a game addict, so I ended it. Does that make me a horrible person because I didnt choose to stay and talk to him about it? There is only a limit as to what talking achieves. People can change in the short term, but the cracks and strain shows and I dont think its healthy to change yourself so that the person you love doesnt leave)

 

I find these boards unhelpful alot of the time in terms of providing support to those who chose to end things. It hurts just as much to choose to leave something that has been a large part of your life/time/emotions for months and years as it does to be left - and I have felt this from both sides.

 

If you love someone and have spent many months/years with them (and there are no huge problems like cheating/abuse etc) it is sad when you realise that you arent happy in the relationship anymore. Alot of time, emotions, money, life is invested in a relationship and that is not something that is easy or pleasurable to walk away from.

 

In my experience, sometimes niggling gut feelings and worries within a relationship can be brushed aside because you tell yourself that you will accept certain things about the other person becuase there are also brilliant things about the relationship. But then sometimes these gut feelings take over, and you gradually realise that there are parts of the relationship that you are not happy with and that won't change, and you realise with a dawning sadness that things annoy you about the other person or you realise you don't have the same outlook on life as them and emotional distance comes as you sadly resign yourself to the fact that you don't want to be with this person anymore and you don't see a future with them, even though you really hoped you could in the beginning.

 

Rarely is it an easy decision to leave someone whom you have invested alot of your life and love in. The mind bounces from wanting to stay and wanting to go ALOT in the lead to a break up. It is a confusing, unsettling and frustrating experience.

 

And even though it hurts to be broken up with after a long time together, whats the other option?? Should they have broken up with you early on at the first sign of difficulty without giving feelings a chance? Or continue to be with you even though they are unhappy? Just because you love someone it doesnt mean they automatically feel the same - and thats a really horrible thing to hear and get your head round, I know. But sometimes issues can be talked about till you are blue in the face and it doesnt mean they are resolved or can be changed.

 

There is no perfect way to break up. It will cause hurt on all sides - thats just the nature of the situation. It is not a nice one to be in - each side feels sad and wronged about things in their own way. And yes, there are good and bad ways to handle breaking up with someone. But there are so many complex, internal feelings that go on under the surface in a relationship break up. Not everything on the surface of a breakup is the same as the thought process underneath.

 

Blanketing all people who choose to end relationships as cowardly and destructive is a very hurtful thing to hear. It takes guts to stand up and say 'this isnt working for me, we need to end it'. And yes it hurts to be on the receiving end of it. But how can it be done nicely? It is human nature to protect ones own ego and feel that they are in the right. It is a case of having to do whats right for ones own self. The person who ended the relationship had to do what was right for themselves and leave a relationship in which they were unhappy, just as the dumpee must seek to make themselves feel better about the situation in the aftermath.

[bakerstreet25]

Ding thank you for that post -- I am in constant turmoil because I will be doing the dumping sometime in the future whenever I get the gumption up to do it....it is NOT easy it is in fact the hardest thing I have had to do thus far.....

[stu1973]

In my case, I really couldn't say how my ex ( the dumper ) feels. Indifference maybe?

 

I just don't know. What I can say is that it was mutual infatuation, we were both crazy about each other. I just didn't show it.

 

But she gave up, pure and simple. It wasn't that we weren't compatible, or that we no longer found each other attractive, or the chemistry wasn't there. She just gave up without trying to talk to me. She said it herself "We could've had something really good, but we just didn't make it work". So why not try and make it work if that's all that was missing?

 

Arghhhh!!!!

 

Hopefully some point down the line she'll think "hmmmm, I should've fought harder"

[Ding]

 

I just don't know. What I can say is that it was mutual infatuation, we were both crazy about each other. I just didn't show it.

 

 

 

So Stu, if you were crazy about her why didn't you show it? You're mad at her for leaving and not talking about it, but if you didn't show her you were crazy about her then its not just her that wasn't doing any communicating

[MsDexter]

I hope they feel 1000 times worse then the person they dump.

[Not_GoodEnough]

In my case, I really couldn't say how my ex ( the dumper ) feels. Indifference maybe?

 

I just don't know. What I can say is that it was mutual infatuation, we were both crazy about each other. I just didn't show it.

 

But she gave up, pure and simple. It wasn't that we weren't compatible, or that we no longer found each other attractive, or the chemistry wasn't there. She just gave up without trying to talk to me. She said it herself "We could've had something really good, but we just didn't make it work". So why not try and make it work if that's all that was missing?

 

Arghhhh!!!!

 

Hopefully some point down the line she'll think "hmmmm, I should've fought harder"

 

Agreed. MAKE IT WORK.

[orillia]

I've been both the dumper and the dumpee. Both roles suck.

 

I made a BIG mistake dumping my first boyfriend, but I didn't realize it til it was WAY too late... I mean, he was married and had kids. We were together 8 years. I was too young and stupid to know I should have hung in there and tried to make it work with him, because he was a prince, and I have never found anyone else like him.

 

My exh dumped me after 12 yrs together. You might as well have put me on a rack and drawn and quartered me, then dumped hot rubbing alcohol in my wounds. That's how bad it felt. Strangely, enough, 6 months after the divorce, he wanted to get back with me. Probably because I gave him space and time. But I was too hurt from the divorce to even consider it.

 

I dumped an abusive narcissist I wasted a year with, after that. I was glad to do it. He was an inhuman f-tard. He deserved it more than anyone you can imagine.

 

THe last 3 yrs I've been in an on again, off again rel'ship with a guy who was a drunk. He got a lot better the last 7 months but was still getting drunk and raging on me; I couldn't take it anymore. I said, ditch the alcohol or ditch me, he decided to ditch me.

 

I never stop thinking about that first bf I dumped. At some point, the guy who dumped you might end up being like me and wishing he hadn't made this same mistake.

[matius]

I think you got it all wrong, sounds ike you are taking this too personally, and it doesnt have to be this way.

 

It is hard in the early stages, and you do have a right to feel this way, but it isnt for the reasons you are writing about.

 

Nobody really knows why.. and it doesnt matter, and i think it is more selfish to want someone who doesnt want you.

 

I have been in your shoes, and i am still partially their..their are no answers..

it is all about acceptance and learning, and appreciating..

 

I think the girl I was seeing felt ashamed that she cheated & so turned into a mega-whatever-you'd-like and then trashed my name everywhere. I think this two-face kind of person can't stand to be within their own skin. Confidence is an act with them... and they play it off pretty well. I think in my situation - it did get personal & it got that way to make me back off. Pathetic to me... honestly, this person never really cared or if they did it was just because you were giving into what they wanted.

 

At the end of the day I'm glad the snakes been rattled out of the bushes, but it's tough to know where they lurk...

 

Remember to keep one face & walk through situations like that as an honest person. Not loving someone is perfectly cool, bringing out the switchblades because you're too preoccupied with yourself to be forthcoming & knock someone in the gut when they're down is pretty lame. It's gonna be tough= don't make it worse by adding insult to injury. 5 years from now - not that it matters in most cases - this person will have greater respect for you. I don't think that's too high on most peoples agendas today.

[jenna-is-here]

I said this in a thread I started about a month ago under 'healing fro

a breakup or divorce' category called "A Word to Men".

 

I dumped my ex before my recent ex and all these years later realize what. Gem he was and regret not taking him more seriously. I guess I just had lessons to learn. Now it's too late because he is married with a baby.

 

If u find that thread it is like 10 pages of people feeling regret after dumping. Well, some of the stories.

[matius]

I said this in a thread I started about a month ago under 'healing fro

a breakup or divorce' category called "A Word to Men".

 

I dumped my ex before my recent ex and all these years later realize what. Gem he was and regret not taking him more seriously. I guess I just had lessons to learn. Now it's too late because he is married with a baby.

 

If u find that thread it is like 10 pages of people feeling regret after dumping. Well, some of the stories.

 

Yep sometimes that's the case. I think that the ones who do a poor job of separating have just as many (if not more) issues than the one who got dumped, and their actions show a certain lack of maturity and respect - which I think goes along with what you're saying in a way.

 

I don't care if I get dumped with empathy - when you turn into a practical joke and a 'tough customer' I kind of see my time spent as a waste.

[meek23]

I have to agree with this post. I have just broken up with ny girlfriend of just over a year and it was the hardest thing I've ever had to do.

 

Unfortunately, I regretted it so much that I begged for a 2nd chance but when we got back together I realised that it still wasn't right. After the 1st occasion I felt guilt, regret, sadness, hated myself, couldn't sleep and didn't want to eat. I wrote my ex a long e-mail explaining how much I wanted her back but when it came down to it I just broke her heart twice. I'm not looking for sympathy but after going through the feelings the first time she will now have to go through them again.

 

It is only difficult being the dumper if you don't care. The people who don't care are either arseholes or they let the relationship drag on until they feel nothing. In my situation and probably the vast majority of break ups, the dumper still really cares for the other person. Both people go through differing emotions and at different times but it can be just as difficult for both.

 

I am definitely going to miss her so much but I have to try and remember that I made the right long term choice. Not so easy in the short term and doesn't help with the regret, guilt or doubt. It basically comes down to if you are happy or not. Why should anyone be in a relationship if they aren't happy. Unfortunately, someone will get hurt and its usually both people.

[abigheart]

I'm the dumpee but I absolutely agree with this as I feel like my ex could have written this to a T. Sigh, despite the fact that my ex broke up with me 6 months ago...this was still a bit of a sting to read despite the fact that I wholeheartedly agree. Thanks for posting this Ding...

[ohboo]

I am the dumper in my relationship, and I feel horrible! I didn't break up with him because I wanted to or because I was unwilling to work on it though. We had problems for many months, mostly his pathological lying and the way he turned everything around on me to make it my fault, so he wouldn't have to tell the truth. He lied about absolutly everything, especially financial stuff, and his flirting and I think cheating with other girls. He was putting me into debt, hiding money, and then unable to pay for things like bills and rent so I had to cover it. I was working overtime to try to make more money becuase we never seemed to have enough and I couldn't understand why when we were splitting on rent and bills so I should've had more money after we moved in together, but I had less, because of him. I tried, to work on it, all the time. I put so much time and effort into trying to work on it that I was exhausted. Our sex life was affected because I was becoming unattracted to him for being so lazy around the house, and getting fired from two jobs in a year and then sitting around the house playing video games while I went to work, telling me he'd been looking for jobs all day, and I'd check the history on the computer and there'd be nothing there for that day. His lies ruined us! I had to break up with him!

 

Do I feel good? Hell no! I feel horrible. I've been dumped and crushed before, and that is what this felt like. It took a lot of courage and strength for me to realize I deserved better and that he wasn't going to change, or admit he had a problem with lying. So I had to force myself to leave and it was the hardest thing I ever did! Afterwards, he would call and say he wanted to work on things, but then never make the effort. He moved 3 hours away because of work and lives with his mom now. He owes me a lot of money still and I'm slowly getting it back becuase hes not paying rent, but I'm getting pennies compared to what he should be able to afford now, so he's STILL lying about money stuff. I know he's having sex with random girls and possibly seeing someone else, and then he's calling me saying he still loves me.But the calls are few and fewer between, yet he still does call and say he wants to work on things and he actually thinks I believe him! Even though his actions do not say that at all, adn I can still see through his lies about what he's been up to.

 

Everyday I wonder if I did the right thing breaking up with him, because I loved him and I wanted it to work. I tried to work on it. Everyday I wonder how he could just walk away and never really cry or seem as upset as I did. The dumpee is usually the one that gets the most hurt right? That's what everyone is led to believe and what everyone thinks because they've been on both sides. But, not in all cases.

 

So no, the dumper does not always feel better or relieved. I have to force myself to feel relieved for having him out of my life. I have to force myself everyday to remember that his actions were hurting me a lot. I feel like my heart is the one that got broken, not his.

[rescueme]

I dont know about being a dumper- because I've only ever been a dumpee - the guy who dumped me though is acting very strange. He obviously feels something- though I'm not sure what it is. We go to the same uni so have only just come back into the same vicinity after 4 months apart- he cant look me in the eye- if I come over to a group hes wit he makes an excuse to leave- he never apporaches me directly, but stares at me from where ever he is - or if drunk glares at me. He seems to be trying to show me hes having a gret time...but failing ie he tries to dance and get off with girls and keeps getting rejected infront of me - can anyone tell me what he's thinking maybe? I didnt do anything to him- he just "fell out of love"?

[jnahak]

I'm sorry your ex never communicated to you about the problems that he may have felt were going on with your relationship; that was very unfair.

 

When I severed my relationship with my ex I had for months been going to him trying to tell him what was going on and any change that occurred lasted briefly. Over time I became weary of being the one to always try to mend the relationship. Relationships take a lot of work and sometimes people grow apart. I still love my ex very much and I will be healed fully only on the day that happiness returns to him.

 

We were together for six years and breaking up with him was one of the hardest moments of my life.

 

I wish you the best.

[Di84]

My opinion on how dumpers feel when they leave the relationship:

they feel guilt and sadness initially bc the relationship failied BUT happy it's over.

It's not about "how could they do this" or "why couldnt they try"... the answer is simple: because they just don't love you anymore.

Love is an emotion that comes from the heart and not the mind. Unfortunately, they have no control over it. I agree 100% that they often leave in a very careless fashion... such as my ex. But that's what happens when the love is gone. They simply do not feel they owe you anything anymore. Reality is hard to accept but that is life. We cannot force someone to love us or care about us. BUT we CAN force them to RESPECT us by WALKING AWAY and not allowing them to hurt us any further.

[cdalton17]

My opinion on how dumpers feel when they leave the relationship:

they feel guilt and sadness initially bc the relationship failied BUT happy it's over.

It's not about "how could they do this" or "why couldnt they try"... the answer is simple: because they just don't love you anymore.

Love is an emotion that comes from the heart and not the mind. Unfortunately, they have no control over it. I agree 100% that they often leave in a very careless fashion... such as my ex. But that's what happens when the love is gone. They simply do not feel they owe you anything anymore. Reality is hard to accept but that is life. We cannot force someone to love us or care about us. BUT we CAN force them to RESPECT us by WALKING AWAY and not allowing them to hurt us any further.

 

This what keeps me going, Knowing that they did leave because they fell out of love from us. She siad (like all the dumpers say) I love you still. Yeah agree they do, but you also love your new cell phone, that tv show, your favorite food. Take it at face value, they do not 'love' you anymore with there heart. They left, they gave up. Most if not all of the dumper's had someone else to talk to about leaving. They also left the 'relationship' atleast a month prior to them physically leaving, without ever comunicating to there partner, Now what would you have done? would you have talked to your partner? I know I would've, because I would've looked back over all the time we had and said ' you know what, maybe we should try at it first', So you never reeally know someone. trust me on this. Even if you had that 'connection' with your partner, like most of us here did. It might've been just a one-way 'connection' and you were blind sided by the break-up, like most of 'us' here.. So please keep this is mind when healing and trying to do NC and you are finding it hard to accept and cope with things. The relationship obviously was not that good as you thought it was.. Well atleast to your partner... Good luck all...

[MissLizzie]

I dumped my ex and I feel awful...I think I actually feel worse than him. I'm in love with him but he lied to me and broke the trust and I had no choice but to end it. He made no effort to fix things. I'd have him back in a second but he hates me. I just hope that I did the right thing...

 

I understand your anger and pain as I've been there but there are some people who don't have a choice when they are in a relationship that in essence is not all they want it to be. Sometimes you can try and try but it still isn't right and you have nothing else to do but to walk away, no matter how much it breaks you.