How do dumpers feel?

[Unchained_melody]

I've always wondered how he felt when he dumped me.

I asked my male friend who threw away a 2 year relationship how he felt after he dumped his girl. He said he felt good. I never spoke to him again.

 

How can dumpers feel good?

Are they that intolerant to fix a relationship? do they value LOVE at all? Do they care about the other person's broken heart? Do they care at all?

Are they the ones who give up on a battlefield? Are they the ones who don't see the good side of things? Are they selfish and cold-hearted? Are they the ones that give up too easily from a great race?

Are they so convinced that there are many fish in the sea? Did they lose their heart the minute they popped out into reality?

Do they even know what love is?

Would they only save themselves on a sinking ship? Will they kill to survive ? Are they the ones who don't anybody who roam around independent like cats? Are they users? or they only love u if they have it their way?

 

Well I am still very angry today. But I wanna know what pathetic, intolerant, pessimistic, cynical heart-breakers go through after killing their victims?

 

Well? don't be shy coz I think next time someone loves me, I might try dumping them just to know what it feels like sinced I've never done, but it's always been done to me.

[melrich]

I think for the most part dumpers feel terrible and guilty about hurting someone they once loved.

 

But I think they do also feel a sense of relief that the task of dumping is over and because they are the ones that wanted out they move on much quicker.

 

There is also the truth that we avoid what makes us feel guilty so I think a lot of dumpers do try and put space between themselves and the dumpee. Not because they are malicious but just because they do not want to face what makes them feel the guilt.

[Aueft]

I think for the most part dumpers feel terrible and guilty about hurting someone they once loved.

 

But I think they do also feel a sense of relief that the task of dumping is over and because they are the ones that wanted out they move on much quicker.

 

There is also the truth that we avoid what makes us feel guilty so I think a lot of dumpers do try and put space between themselves and the dumpee. Not because they are malicious but just because they do not want to face what makes them feel the guilt.

[brando]

Unchained,

I think you got it all wrong, sounds ike you are taking this too personally, and it doesnt have to be this way.

 

It is hard in the early stages, and you do have a right to feel this way, but it isnt for the reasons you are writing about.

 

Nobody really knows why.. and it doesnt matter, and i think it is more selfish to want someone who doesnt want you.

 

I have been in your shoes, and i am still partially their..their are no answers..

it is all about acceptance and learning, and appreciating..

 

best of luck,

 

B

[lifeiscash]

I think it really just depends on the person and their values and morals come along way with it. One person can walk away with feeling nothing, no sorrow, no guilt.. nothing while other simply hide it and walk away either for good or wrong intentions..

[yo]

Uncahained,

 

If you find just getting dumped hard, imagine getting dumped coz the girl you love the most loves your best friend!

 

Well, that's exactly what happened to me. My Ex dumped me and said she was happy and relieved. Yes, she said that to me directly, not behind my back. She said she can finally be with the guy she always loved! It was like taking a knife and stabbing me a hundred times!

 

I just dont know how she could be so stone hearted. I was begging and crying to her and all she said was, 'concentrate on your work. You'll forget me eventually!' I dunno how dumpers feel so confident and good about themeselves. I think it's the fact that they know that somebody else loves them, gives them the confidence!

 

Take care!

[1love2k5]

i feel exactly where you're coming from. i've been trying to figure that out for years on how people feel whenever the dumpee gets dumped by the dumper. i've been dumped just last year from a two year relationship with one of my exex, and i still haven't completely gotten over our breakup. i heard that he doesn't want anything to do with me anymore, but that's what they all say. everybody knows that whenever the the dumper dumps the dumpee, nine times out of ten, the dumper usually takes the dumpee back as always. i was dating that guy since we were in job corps just 3 years ago, and after i left, he sent me letter begging me to take him back, but mow, i found out he's married. (i find that hard to believe) my ex was a player and he claims he's all married. i think that's bull. anyway, i totally feel at what you're saying because no one likes to be dumped by anybody they once loved. the dumper feels that dumping someone is the easiest way out of a relationship. you gotta ask yourself: "why did this jerk dump me, and for what reason?" some people can still have feelings for a person after they dump them, and some of them don't have any remorse or feelings.

[breeze33]

Unchained, you are going through the early stages of anger, rage, etc. Give yourself time to heal. Best thing is to learn from the experience so your heart will be open to love again. You may need to work through the bitterness you feel now because it would be unfair and cruel to dump the new person who had nothing to do with your past hurts.

 

From my experience of being dumped, the dumper always comes back around eventually because they know you loved and cared about them the most. Especially when I took it gracefully. I usually hear from them a couple of months later, wanting to get together for dinner or something. They're calling because they are at a low point like their gf they left me for dumped them or they're having problems with them.

 

Last year, I was dumped by an arrogant multimillionare for another woman. I took it as well as I possibly could. Guess what happened two months later? The guy would not stop calling me. He called me everyday, like twice a day. I never called back. Finally, he got so annoying, I had to be brutally honest with him for what he did to me. He felt so bad for what he did, he honestly didn't realize he hurt me that much. The revenge was sweet.

[yo]

I don't think that dumpers ever feel any sorrow or guilt, they just like to portray an image like that. Dumpers are like cold blooded murderers and they don't feel any remorse for their actions. They are very selfish too.

 

I hope all dumpers get a piece of their own medicine. Only then they will know how it feels to be discarded by someone they love!

 

They dumpers mourn while they are in a relationship. They have the dumpees care, love and affection still. And once they become strong enough, they strike u back like a snake. And the dumpees have no support whatsoever! They have to deal with all the sadness and misery on their own!

 

This sux!

[Unchained_melody]

Hi thanks for replying guys.

 

I seem to be going through anger mostly at this point, then this morning when i woke up i felt happy and then this afternoon i feel extremely depressed.

 

What is wrong with me?

 

I am going through different kinds of emotions in a short period of time. Now I feel really sad, I miss him so much. I feel like I'm in a dream where sometimes i feel like he's next to me and then i turn around and realise he's not and that i can't see him anymore the way we used to.

 

I miss him! I miss his voice, his smell, his touch! I miss him god! I miss everything! I feel so lost. I am torn between what used to be and what is now. I hate this and I'm completely anxious right cause I'm missing him.

 

I can't believe here I am feeling this way and yet he doesn't even know or even care. I feel completely on my own. I need him he was my knight in shining armor and now he's neglected me!

[scottfromoz]

i was the dumper and at first, at the time i felt relief caus ei was angry but pretty soon i realised how big a mistake id made and well felt absoultey terrible. quiet possibly the worst decision of my life. only time will tell iguess

so my view is dumpers feel as much pain as anyone breaking up is never easy on anyone

[Bounder]

I think dumpers have their moments of pain, but like yo said, likely a lot of it is still in the relationship, agonizing over what to do, maybe falling on that person for support (and they give it unwittingly, thinking its something else causing them stress, work, school etc.) until they feel ready to meak the break. Selfish, but can you really blame them? Welll, yes, but they are probably doing the best they can. Is that "best" good enough for you though if they do that to you? Thats how I feel now about my ex.....she did some crappy things, but I know she did the best she could....which wasnt very good. My views of her are changing, Im bitterly diapointed in her, maybe she wasnt who I thought she was. More selfish, less giving. Maybe not, mmaybe its the bitterness talking.

 

I know she has he rmomenst of guilt, but hey are that, guilt for hurting me, probably not wanting me back. She came back once, I think that will be all, and I screwed it up again, though I dont know how.

[Unchained_melody]

I think that's a poor excuse for dumpers. Okay so my ex boyfriend was agonising about what he should do while we were still together, - WHICH means! that there was something about the relationship he didn't like ! and which means things HE did not Tell me about.

 

He kept it all to himself until his heart stopped beating for me and then he took out his sword.

 

I don't get why he couldn't tell me that there was something wrong, why do dumpers cope with it by themselves with their partner not knowing what they're thinking about and then the next day they dump them.

It's IMMATURE! It's being Dishonest!

 

If there is something wrong in the relationship then talk about it together! Be open towards eachother so the other person instead of getting dumped can do something to fix the problem and to prevent the Break up too.

 

It's very Unfair! You Dumpers are all just being too Selfish! and not open enough in a relationship or devoted enough to fix it! You know why? Because you don't Value Love! you have no idea what it is in your heart. And if you did, you wouldn't have given up so easily..

(I'm not saying this for everyone, but to those who do know who I'm talking to).

 

 

[PrincessLinzay]

Oh hun, I'm so sorry that you're in pain right now. It's understandable and normal to have all the feelings you're having.

 

First I offer a compliment on your writing style. Very effective. Are you a writer?

 

That said, I'll offer my opinion, although it differs slightly from your own. I know that being dumped is not fun. What person is so callous that they don't feel heart wrenching agony when you aren't in their life? I get all that. You know you're own worth, which is excellent.

 

On the flip side, I have to say that I would agonize so much more being with someone I know isn't sure how they feel about me, or even if they want to be with me. I feel like that would be settling.

 

Not all relationships can be fixed, and even though we know how wonderful we are, some people are bound not to feel the same. I know it's especially hard when their sun once rose and set on you.

 

I guess I would rather suffer through the pain of a breakup, then suffer through the pain of a one-sided relationship. Whoever I'm with, I need to know that they are just as much into me and making the relationship work as I am to them. Equal commitment.

 

I know this is rough, and you are certainly not alone in this. Vent your frustration, and know that he's the one who's losing out, not you!

 

Hugs!

[Bounder]

Does the dumper really lose out? Honestly....they are making a choice for a clear reason....but aside form regrets, do they really lose?

[PrincessLinzay]

If you think you're something worth fighting for, then yes, they lose out on the potential happiness you had to offer them.

 

Conversely, if you think they aren't losing anything when you leave their life, then that will hold true as well. Perspective is everything.

[Bounder]

Key word there is "potential" happiness. At some point potential inst enough for them I think, or they cant help you unlock that potential....takes to to do it, and if they're not willing...

[byates5637]

I think the way the dumper feels really depends on the situation. I dumped my girlfriend 3 months ago. At first i felt slight guilt, but mostly indiference. I just tried to not think about it. Then a couple weeks later I tried to get her back and she took me back for a couple days. Then She dumped me! Then last week she took me back again, and dumped me again a couple days later! So I am the initial dumper and she was the final dumper.

 

Right now i feel terrible, like i threw away the best thing in my life. I'm heartbroken all day long. I would do anything to change what i did in the past.

I think she feels some guilt for what she has done to me, because she calls me often to see how i'm doing. But mostly i think she is relieved that it is over and looking forward to what awaits her down the path of life.

 

But there are some people in this world with an amazing ability to shatter someones heart to pieces and never think twice about it. Such as a girl I dated for 3 years and broke up with me 2 1/2 years ago. She left me for another guy while i was in the hospital. I have never seen her again and havn't heard from her in 2 years. She just blocked out any guilt she would feel and forgot about me like i was nothing.

 

-brandon

[gersanos]

It very much depends on the relationship.

 

When I dumped a girl before and we were close, but not intimate (no sex of any kind, just mainly making out and stuff and dating) I felt bad because I would see her in pain/crying. These were short relationships (roughly 3 months of dating) when I was younger in high school.

 

As I got older my relationships became longer, deeper, and intimate. That's when things got complicated. Sex really changes things in a relationship. And when we broke up we somehow found a way to try and get the scoop on each others lives. If we ever saw each other out we were secretly checking out each other, locking eyes at times, but nobody making a move to talk to the other person.

 

Also as I got older, my priorities began to change. When I was younger I had no problem what so ever in dumping a girl. I can do it, and just walk away. No remorse, no regret. Just tough to do the actual dumping, but once it was done, that's it. I also was not honest with them with what was going on with me and my thoughts and feelings about our relationship. So I basically coped by myself while still with them, they thought all was fine with us and she's helping me with my "external stress" that's affecting me, but then the break-up comes and she never saw it coming.

 

Now that I am older I don't do that. I think a part of that is maturity, a part of that is growing up, and a part of that are my priorities changing. I don't look just to get a date with anybody. Sure I'll take dates as they come along, but, once I begin to date someone steadily I maintain open communication with what's going on with me, I set boundaries, I mention things to my partner that bother me about her in a tactful way. It's not a matter of being controlling or anything, it's that no matter who I date there will be differences between us on certain things, and if we are open and honest with each other about these things and have enough care and respect for the other person to curb certain habits or what not, it will work.

 

But I empathize with you. My last serious relationship went down in similar fashion. Yes we both were in love (mainly obsessed) with each other, and had many of great times, memories, sex, talks, the whole package. Then the sudden changes in her, and I noticed them. Did I walk? No! I tried to actually work them out. That was the maturity, growing up, and shift in priorities kicking in. Just because there's a rut, I don't run anymore. I learned that I did that all the time when I was younger, and all I did was run from one person to another. As soon as a problem came up and there was tension, I booked.

 

I thought of myself a fool for failing to listen to the red flags, even though I heard them loud as day: how it took her so long to leave her ex, she didn't have the courage, never told him a thing that was wrong between them, it took her almost a year, he thought all was fine etc., and how it went down in flames for me in similar fashion. And when I said we'll work through this between us, her responding that she "never worked on it before" as the fights and make-ups were happening between us. And when I called her on some stuff in the end her admitting to me that she was "dishonest" with me. Perhaps I was a little naive or dependent or some other word that is similar.

 

Point is, I have learned so much about relationships from dating and being in relationships. When I was younger I learned much about women and dating and all the initial things. As I got older I developed skills and traits to make relationships work, what types of girls to not even get involved with, not to rush into anything, don't give too much of myself too her even though she wants me to, etc.

 

I feel your pain, and you are angry, and rightfuly so. I was there before. The betrayal. How dare they! But, be the bigger person. Don't seek revenge or anything upon them. I had so much hatred running through my veins when it happened to me, and when I asked in the end where my stuff was she said that she didn't bring anything because she thought it would be awkward (um, isn't this what we're doing awkward?). When I went to pick it up from her place a week later, it was all sitting outside of her door, except with her deciding to keep all the great dvd's I had left there. Argh! Another smack in the face. But I just walked. No point in dragging this out. I can buy those again; just reflects more upon her character (or an excuse to talk to me later possibly, but I never let her have it).

 

The anger will pass, some lessons will be learned. Perhaps one day you'll get back together, perhaps not. Life will go on, and the memories will fade as you make new ones with someone else. Take this time for yourself. There will be a mixture of emotions. Don't pour them out on someone new right away or a rebound. You'll hurt them too much by using them to dump your baggage onto them from the previous relationship. I did it before, and it was bad. I dropped all my baggage, bitterness, and betrayal onto someone new, then moved on and was called every name in the book and rightfully so.

 

Pick up a hobby, exercise daily, eat ice cream, get your hair done, spoil yourself with some new clothes and shoes, go out with your girlfriends, and after some time passes you'll meet someone that'll blow your mind away. Just don't forget the lessons you learned when you meet him.

[Whathappend2you]

I was the dumper and it didnt really feel that good at all. AT THE TIME it felt like it was something I had to do. Now I just regret it but theres nothing I can do. Then again Im a girl and he's a guy thereforeeee its completely different because guys like to SHOW that they dont care which makes you feel more and more like crap.

[Unchained_melody]

Hi everyone,

 

It sure proves by posting this to know that I'm definitely not alone to face this kind of emotional conflict.

Thanks princess Linzay, I am a writer, well used to be. I used to write poems and stories, but then that didn't really lead to any form of career for me so I ended up being an international english tutor teacher.

 

Does anyone want to boost up their english skills? lol.

 

I'm sitting here infront of the computer eating chocolate truffles..hhmmm..

Watched a few movies and boy did I like that one called 'Down with love' with Ewan McGregor. I think he's gorgeous! and I like the story line in that movie too.

Let's see I played a few computer games, went out for a long drive around the beach then back towards home again.

I've been trying to motivate myself to hang out with people lately, but I just can't seem to ? I don't feel like seeing anybody right now, i feel like locking myself up in a cave during the day. Has anyone ever experienced this after getting dumped?

 

I'm at the moment 'retiring' from being an English Teacher. So I'm not working at this point. Why should I work? I'm in a vulnerable situation here you know. I need to get my confidence and health back to normal before I even get out there and go get em! to the world.

It's a good thing I'm financially stable, otherwise I would work to live too.

 

Well today I'm not feeling as furious as I was yesterday. I'm more into eating chocolates for some weird reason - and - no it's got nothing to do with that 'Down with love' movie as to why I am eating chocolates. lol.

hhmm.. maybe.

 

I have a dilemma I wanna share, well coz i've always been the one to get the slap in relationships, mind you this is the 3rd time it's happened to me - all my previous partners seemed to have a Scorpio star sign?.

Well I'm Sagittarius, I dont know if 'astrology' might have something to do with it too or if I'm just not compatible with Scorpios?

 

I thought I was. Well I guess even the description as you would call it for a scorpio is literally a scorpion with a poisonous stinging tail - perhaps they like to hurt people?..

 

I don't know. I'm getting into the 'over analysing the world ' kind of phase now.

[doug]

I feel exactly the same.

 

Lately, I have been out with my friends but I am just so reserved. Its weird though cause being home alone makes me feel, well, totally alone.

 

I am usually really sociable aswell, so this just highlights how much pain I am in.

 

We perhaps don't want to see anyone cause we feel vulnerable. Its weird because I have being going on long drives in my car aswell. Liberating.

 

Over analysing, your just an analytical thinker which I think is a great quality. I know my ex wont be analysing our breakup.

 

We just got to weather this storm and I know blue skies wont be far away.

[Unchained_melody]

I have a philosophy!

 

In my perspective a 'dumper' has no such thing as a Good intention.

Sure they all have their reasons for dumping us! but know this - whatever their reasons might be - they are still 'intentionally' hurting someone and inflicting pain unto a person's heart, the person who loved them alot.

 

Everybody has problems in the relationship like what somebody here has said 'It's gotta be a 2-way street'. If you have a problem please tell me so and yes we'll fix it together.

Unless you've tried everything you could to fix a relationship then it is reasonable of you to end it despite the fact that you still are breaking heart.

 

But to those who haven't tried to fix a relationship or even became open enough to express to their partner what's bothering them, then dumpers like this are extremely 'selfish' and shouldn't really be in a relationship, because they don't know what the heck they're supposed to do.

 

"It's like this, your car breaks down, you don't know why. You want to know why so you take it to a mechanic to get it fixed. You wait for a few days, you come back to the mechanic, get your car back and pay em the bill.."

 

- Intolerant dumpers don't take their car to the mechanic, they leave them there and buy a new one..

[yo]

Unchained,

 

Going with the car example, sometimes the problem can be beyond repair, in which case, it would be best to let go of the car.

 

Also, what if the dumpers stop liking the old car and fall for a shiny new car then there is no changing their minds.

 

I tried analyzing. Nothing good comes out of it anyways. My Ex was wrong on all the counts and I feel so dumb now for forgiving and supporting her all the time.

 

We can't be kids and keep pointing fingers at our EX's and blaming them. C'mon, they did it for their happiness. Everyone is selfish! If your EX was not happy with you, would you have been happy in life. I don't think so... Your life would have been miserable. So, let the dumpers be happy. They'll get a piece of their medicine one day. We just have to be happy on our own, coz happiness comes from WITHIN and I totally believe it!

 

- Dumpee!

[Unchained_melody]

I'm not saying you should still keep fixing the car if it's beyond repair, but atleast you tried to.

 

And seeing a new car is different because cars have no feelings. My example above is just to show my concept of what a dumper does or doesn't do.

 

I'm not being a kid by pointing fingers at my Ex, it's reasonable he wounded so i want to be understood. If I wanted to point a finger at him I would not be admitting the things I have done wrong to cause the conflict and trust me if I wanted to get even - he would never wanna see me again.

I don't want to retaliate, I just want to express how I feel because that's all I can do at this point. I can't move backwards into the past and change anything, I can't move forwards in time either to see any forecasts. I'm stuck in the middle and all I wanna do is to seek comfort of atleast knowing that I am not alone.