Breaking the Cycle

[rx7]

Hi: I dated my ex for 3 years, loved her to pieces. In the last year of our relationship her dad tragically passed away from cancer, and it shook my ex to the core.. I was very supportive, but I got dumped, plain and simple.....

 

Now its 8 months later - I've picked myself up somewhat, but still have a large part of me that loves her... She hasn't moved on although has dated a few guys her and there i think.. For the most part I've gone NC with stints of seeing and talking here and there, bringing me back into a Rut... When we hung out I would see hope of getting back together, while she saw things as friends and support i believe... My fault i guess!

 

Last contact, my ex talked of getting back together but said she was scared, wondered what all her friends would think blah blah.. THis is after a romantic weekend together just like old times.... I again was back to square 1.

 

So - after no contact again she emails me, leaves me messages and finally when she gets through invites me on a hike together.. I make an excuse and she suggests another time.... I say NO not now or anytime soon - I've finally come to the point where Im being selfish for my own development and healing.. Seeing her just fires up old feelings too much.

 

So its like she wants me, kind of, but not fully.... I think Im just a security blanket..

 

My question: How can I keep the door open, while still healing and not being at her beckon call... How do I know that she's finally ready to come back in full force, not just toy with me?

 

And having said that to make it more confusing I dont know if I want her back now!!!!! SO CONFUSED

 

Now I am the one not returning calls and turning down dates, when I still want her back..... >?

[pinkie]

It was really hard for me to accept, but when people act that way generally the truth is they just don't feel for you like that, they just need someone, anyone who will make them feel better.

 

You obviously still care about her as she had become a big part of your life and generally no one spends 3 years with someone they don't like as a person, but you also seem to naturally now be feeling bitter and frustrated towards her and yourself.

 

I'm sorry to say it 'cause it always really hurts to acknowledge, but I don't see there is much likelihood of you in the foreseeable future ending up together purely because you are unequal in the way you feel about each other and this inequality only heightens her disregard for you in that way.

 

You mention her friends so I'm guessing she then has people to support her and be there for her while she is grieving. So you should be honest with yourself about how you feel and the reality of her feelings and have no compunction in avoiding her and trying to interest yourself in new things. New things as in friends and activities, NOT a new relationship because you'll find yourself probably disappointed, with someone you are not inspired by or worse unnecessarily hurting someone else because you find your still not over your ex.

 

Very rarely can ex's still be friends and only if they both don't like each like that anymore. You still do to a certain extent and if you try and keep the door open you will probably get used by her for a bit or you will spend all the time you can with her as "friends" overanalysing everything she says and does, getting jealous and generally getting your hopes up only to have them dashed. When you like/love someone you don't see how they cannot reciprocate or wouldn't if they saw you more clearly, spent more time with you, weren't blinded or knew you better.

 

Phew…. I have waffled on for ages but I hope it helps and is not too garbled. The main thing I have found for myself to get 'over' someone is always to be honest with myself, how I feel and my motivations.

 

Try to move on, we all deserve somone who is wise to our [censored], yet adores us anyway

[rx7]

Thanks Pinkie, I really appreciate your writeup..

 

Learned a new word too (Had to look it up!)

compunction: "Anxiety or deep unease proceeding from a sense of guilt or consciousness of causing pain"

 

Is there anyone else who thinks this latest request for a date is her playing with me or an real attempt to talk. She did say shes been 'thinking about things'.....

 

Thanks all, Im really finding this forum supportive.

[Mun]

I think the best thing you can do right now is to keep looking out for your own interests.

 

She broke up with you, there deciding not to have a relationship with you--she closed the door on you in a sense and she needs to feel that total loss. How else will she realize what she lost?

 

You're not sure anymore if you want her back, maybe because you don't want to have your hopes shattered again?