lack of libido and the problems its causing........

[lon71]

hi,

 

ive posted before, my partner has had no sex drive for some time.

 

ive been through all the emotions with him, anger, upset, hurt, rejection. ive tried to talk to him many times to tell him how i feel but he just doesnt see that its a problem. i miss feeling loved and wanted and attractive.

ive tried everything to sort things out and there really isnt anything else i can try.

in every other way hes a good man, hes not unfaithful, hes a hard worker, an excellent father and he has more positives than negatives, the only problem is that he wont make love to me. we do everything as a family but he wont spend time with me alone.

i know things will never be how they was at the beginning of our relationship, but am i asking too much to want a relationship with the man i live with. it is so hurtful knowing that the man i love wont come near me or cuddle me or make me feel wanted and loved. it hurts me when i speak to my friends and they all have a sex life and it makes me ashamed that my partner doesnt want me.

 

i know i have a choice to make now, do i stay in this relationship without sex, or do i get out. my partner is extremely inward and wont talk, so what chance have i got of sorting this out. i would love an affair with someone, to spend time with someone who can make me laugh and make me feel alive again, but how do u meet someone else? its not easy, ive tried and it hasnt worked. also, i do have a sex drive, i wouldnt say its extremely high just normal, but when your partner wont make love to you, how do you deal with the sexual frustration? im now at the point where i dont want to share a bed with my partner, when i do i just cry myself to sleep as im so hurt that as the weeks go by, he still comes no where near me. hes initated sex a handful of times in the last 5 years, most of the time i initiate it i get rejected by him so i dont initiate things with him no more.

 

how do you get over something like this, how do you deal with the rejection. im so confused because he says he wants to be with me, we have holidays, money etc he just doesnt want me physically. is this love? or to love someone should you be making love to them?

[Tigris]

I know exactly what you're going through!

 

My first husband and I were married when he was 21 and I was 23. We' only been together for 2 maybe 2.5 years when making love disappeared!

During this time he added insult to injury by presenting me with a vibrator. Can you imagine how I felt. I WAS FURIOUS!

 

I was so frustrated it was unbelieveable! Every night I had to satisfy my own needs. He wasn't very happy about it!

 

'DO YOU HAVE TO DO THAT?'

 

'IF YOU DID YOUR JOB PROPERLY, I WOULDN'T HAVE TO!'

 

I stayed with him for another 1.5 to 2 years. NO SEX off anyone!

 

At 4.5 years I moved in with someone else and I've been married for 13 Years!

 

I'm sorry but I can't see your situation changing. Going off past experience I don't know how you are going to cope.

 

Let me know what you decide. PM me anytime.

 

Good luck and take care.

[Tigris]

By any chance does he suffer from depression?

 

I do and it interferes with my libido sometimes.

 

Take care

[WildChild]

Just a few thoughts that first came to mind: When did he start putting distance between you...you said about 5 years ago, but was there something that happened during that time that may be the cause or triggered it? Loss of a job, friend, family member? A death? Did you maybe have a blow out and things were said? Have you ever told him that you were going to go out and find someone to fullfil your needs? Think back and try to put yourself as one with him...something that HE may be effected by as a man. As sucky as this sounds, my exhusband was not attracted to me sexually for sometime after the birth of our first child.

 

He says that he doesn't see it as a problem. Unfortunately, it is a common problem when two people become so comfortable with one another they let themselves become too comfortable and seize anything that was what first attracted you to one another. What's even more unfortunate is you can't change somebody...only if they want to change will the changes come and be successful.

 

You mentioned that you have tried to meet other people. Do you think maybe he got wind of that? I know from past experience that people sense things when the person they love start acting different. Unbeknownst to me, I didn't realize my attitude was changing but my sig another did notice.

[lon71]

thanks for your replies............

 

i dont suppose he ever really had a high sex drive. 5yrs ago we split briefly and he went with someone else. it put me through hell, but im over all that now.

 

he had a period of depression about 4 yrs ago and i can understand back then why he wouldnt have wanted sex, but hes ok now.

 

i dont really know what is going on in his head, he doesnt know i chat to men in chatrooms or that i have fantasies about affairs due to what im going through. the only time i ever mentioned that i would have an affair was last week, in anger i said that how he treats me is the reason that women have affairs.........he asked if i was having one and i relied no, but its something i think about.

 

i agree with the persons comments above, i dont think things will change. i am mixed up at the moment, if i stay will he change, if i go will i meet someone else eventually and be happy. its so sad that the only thing destrying this relationship is the lack of sex.

 

ps. ive tried sex toys, it upsets me that i have to pleasure myself because my partner cant, it doesnt help anymore as its the arms of a real man i want and some conversation.

[Mun]

Has he had a medical check up? Beside deppression there are other factors that could cause this...and of course there is medication to help with that.

 

I hope you did not attack him for this or place blame...that would push him further away.

 

If he wanted to he could get around the physical aspect by stimulating you in other ways, but if he doesn't even want to come near you to cuddle, then it sounds like it might be beyond the physical. Is he still in love with you?

 

I think this is one of those times where couples counseling is necessary. I hope you will consider it...and him too if he wants to save this marriage.

 

Good luck

[ShySoul]

Is it really the sex you are missing (although I'm sure thats a part of it), or is it that you don't feel like he wants to show you affection any more? How much attention does he pay you outside the bedroom? Hugs, kisses, holding hand... does he give you lots of that stuff?

 

The two of you should probably talk to someone about this. If you are dreaming of affairs and chating to other guys, that isn't a good sign. I've seen people unhappy in their marriage do just that, and they've usually ended hurt by someone who sensed she was in weak spot emotionally. Have your husband set aside a day for the two of you, then plan something romantic and fun to do together. Be aggressive in what you want, try enticing him and getting him in the mood. If that doesn't work, then its probably something bugging him that isn't related to you but is taking all his energy. You should talk to him about how you feel and get him to talk to a conselor with you. Let him know just how serious this is and don't let him dismiss it as not a problem.

 

He probably has alot of problems that he's learned to bury deep down because he's so introverted. That's weighing on him and isn't good. He needs to talk about them before it really hurts him. And you need to feel loved and wanted, not just through more sex.

[lisica]

ps. ive tried sex toys, it upsets me that i have to pleasure myself because my partner cant, it doesnt help anymore as its the arms of a real man i want and some conversation.

 

It is not only sex that you are missing, it is intimacy in the broadest sense, both emotional and physical. If the situation does not improve, you do not have to stay in a pretend relationship. You deserve to be happy and to feel loved.

 

I have been reading your previous posts too. That made me wonder whether your husband is avoiding all physical contact with you because he is scared that you will want to have sex with him. Could that be the case? What happens if you ask him to hold you, telling him clearly that you are not in the mood for sex but just want to be held for a while?

[Shadows Light]

I can certainly empathize.... its not all about the sex..(shysoul)..she's not even getting the cuddles, snuggles or warm and fuzzies.... sooo how long can this go on.

 

With me.. it seemed it came when he wanted it. Oh it cycled... way up high to way down low..and when it was wayyyyy low... well...but they highs were always on his terms.

 

Looking for it elsewhere? yeah.. you'll bury yourself in romance novels... or movies... and live in fantasy land..and then you get yourself in trouble with fantasy day-dreaming about.. hmmmm who ever crosses your path. And that SPELLS trouble... with a capital "T".

 

I did all those things shysoul... counseling... talking... lingerie... wine and dine him... be the love slave..lol... and still........................

 

Mine spilled over into other areas of our marriage... uuuuggghhhh.. it hit all 5 of the big things you want out of a guy...

 

(1) A guy who knows how to fix things.... lol.

(2) A guy who will dance with you

(3) A guy who has a job and is upwardly mobile... keep pushing the envelope instead of pushing you.

(4) A guy you can talk to ..and laugh with.

(5) A guy to have sex with.....

 

and ya know... if it isn't hitting any of this five areas... your screwed..

 

ION.. do what you can. But don't cheat yourself by cheating.. you'll hate yourself. Have a come to jesus and make him go to counseling with you... and if not.. then you go talk to someone and sort out WHAT you want your life to look like. Obvioulsy you arn't happy GF... soooo you can only change you. If you keep doing what you've always done.. you'll always get what you always got.!!!

[Tigris]

Shadows Light said,

 

Obvioulsy you arn't happy GF... soooo you can only change you. If you keep doing what you've always done.. you'll always get what you always got.!!!

 

 

That's what happened to me. The solution - divorce! I fell in love with someone else. We've been married 13 years. It's better the second time around!

 

Take care and good luck.

[lon71]

hi,

 

thank you all so much for your kind words and good advice.

 

he wont go for counselling, he doesnt show me any affection anymore, not even cuddles, i get a kiss in the morning before he goes to work and thats all. any affection that does occur is always initiated by me, ive now stopped initiating things as i want him to want me.

 

ive been very down about it all recently and i think its because i know that he will never see the hurt hes putting me through, hes very stubborn so i dont think he will change. ive thought about things and i dont think i can stay with someone who doesnt make me feel loved and who rejects me so much. we nearly split several months back, he came back of his own accord and said that he loved me. i feel very confused, because if he loves me then why wont he make love to me? i try not to blame him for how he is, but im at an angry stage now, he doesnt show any care for the hurt im going through, so i do find myself digging at him at times.

 

more than anything, i really could do with a cuddle right now, just to have a bit of romance in my life and to feel loved and wanted. i feel like ive been deprived of it for so long.

 

i do know that i have choices in my life, and i do need to choose whether i stay or go, with a 12yr old child, its not easy.

 

when im busy i feel better, less time to think about it all.

 

thanks to all who replied xx

[dreamcatcher]

My problem is exactly the same as you. The only difference is that I've been married only for... 4 months! My husband simply doesn't have any sex drive. He says it stopped suddenly, more than one month ago. We were having problems in sex, he was not satisfying me and being very selfish on bed. His sex drive was normal, then. When I explained to him what was going on, the things I'd like he'd do, he simply stopped to initiate things, and said that was having no libido. So, I am almost sure that his problem is only one: insecurity. And, for some "male pride", he doesn't want to admit that he doesn't know (or he is not interested to know...) how to satisfy a woman... I don't know...

 

In spite of this problem, our marriage is very nice. We have always lots of talk, we don't argue, we have lots of fun together, etc. He is very supportive and caring and does the possible to make me happy. He affirms everyday that he loves me. I am from another country, so, due to the immigration laws, he struggled a lot to bring me here in order to marry him (for 4 years!). Then, I can't understand this sex problem. It is driving me crazy. I understand very well what you feel. We don't want "pleasure for pleasure", sex toys or whatever, we want to feel loved and desired. We want to feel our men is worried about our pleasure, anyway. If they love us, why don't they show it? I think that the problem is more complex than appears, but, if they refuse to seek help and don't show interest in changes, we have to decide if we want to live with a "brother" or with a "man". Because we won't be able to change things by ourselves. We cannot be "half a woman", it will contaminate everyhting else in our lives.

 

I love my husband deeply, and I already let clear that I want to help him, but I need he show me how. Since our marriage is only starting, it would be very "inconsistent" to quit so soon. I don't know how things will be within some months, but I am willing to wait (...maybe when the summer heat decreases, who knows? I already heard from him that he can't touch my body "'cause the weather is so hot and it is quite discomfortable", can you believe in that??? oh, man, I am not that fool...). In your case, if you already tried everything and nothing changed, I am sorry, you can't continuing destroying yourself. As a last alternative, I think I would "take a break" in the relationship. Your husband needs a bath of "reality", he needs to really feel what means to stay without you. Most people only have the courage to change after some suffering. At this meantime, try to enjoy yourself, to feel "alive"... And, if nothing works... Try to start again, finding a person who consider yourself the real woman you are. Try an agreement with him regarding to your child... In my country, there are people who continue living together as friends, even being apart, due to the children or for some other reason. It's not easy, I know. But every rebirth demands suffering and a big amount of courage.

 

Hugs and good luck!

[SlipperySammy]

This seems to be a very difficult topic, that is addressed here frequantly.

 

I have had my own share of this issue in several ways. First off my girlfriend and I face this very saem issue...but she is the one with no libido.

 

Second off... my parents were in a very similar situation you are, my dad would ignore my mother in every way. She believed that he just had no libido, and that he was a good father and good man otherwise. It turned out he had two lives...he was secretly buying prostitutes and visiting strip clubs/massage parlors.

 

I think this issue is a sign of BIG problems. One hard thing about this issue is it is very hard to leave some one over it. It isn't like they lie to you, cheat on you...its not like they do one act that makes you feel justified in leaving them, it isn't easy to leave some one you other wise love over lack of sex...atleast it isn't for me.

 

Overall I can relate, and I hope you the best.

[lon71]

its comforting to hear from others out there that understand what im going through.

im not perfect in my relationship but i feel ive tried hard over the last few years to make things work. when i hear of others in my situation, my advice to them would be to TALK, tell your partner how you are feeling and how the lack of sex is making you feel. my partner cannot talk, hes very inward and would rather walk from me than talk to me. because he cant talk, whenever i try to talk to him, it turns into a huge row. he sees talking as arguing and its not. theres no need to argue to talk, talking is where you both say your bit and come to a compromise. he has no idea of how bad i am feeling over these problems in our relationship, i cant tell him because i know that if i did, he would walk, so in other words, ive hot a brick wall really. i tried to make a move last night on him and he wouldnt have it. he does have other things on his mind at the moment but it seems that theres always something that comes before me, so theres never the time to sort things out.

 

so im trying to be strong at the moment, im trying to plan things alone to prepare myself as i feel that the time will come when i will have to leave. i do love him but the love has been chipped away at for ages now. thanks again to all whove replied xx