Not Happy in this Relationship - Need Advice Please

[arakal]

(Skip to the final paragraph if this is too long for you)

 

I need advice. I am 24, she is 23. This is my first committed relationship. She is the first person that I fell in love with. We dated for about a year and committed to each other officially about 6 months ago (year and a half total).

 

This is the main problem she has with our relationship: I am a horrible communicator. I have trouble talking about how I feel, and sometimes people say I speak too bluntly/insensitively. I have been told this by many people and it has affected this relationship. She doesn't feel like she is truly a part of my life since I don't really open up to her. I don't feel I can open up to her because when I do, 90% of the time it becomes an argument because it: wasn't the right time for me to bring something up, I said it in an insensitive way (I never curse or degrade), I'm being selfish, etc. She is the most sensitive woman I have ever met and that has irritated me beyond belief. She 'overreacts' to the slightest things and that has stressed me out. I really don't think I'll ever be able to be myself completely because I hurt her feelings.

 

Side notes – She is going through a tough time right now and she wants my support. But she has told me that she doesn't want me to stay with her only because I feel bad for her.

 

Here are the problems I am having with this relationship: She has been having a tough time for almost a year and it is draining me. She wants to be my top priority but it is leaving me feeling empty and neglected. I feel that my well-being is being sacrificed for hers. I am getting upset with myself for putting myself through this but because I love her and am new to relationships, I don't know if this deep sacrifice is what someone is supposed to do in a relationship.

 

I'm not living my life how I want to. Sometimes I feel like she is my child to take care of rather than a partner. She has told me that she wants someone to take care of her. I told her that I want an independent woman who can take care of herself. For months I have been asking myself, "What does she do for me? What good does she bring to my life?" Well for the past few months she's been bringing more bad than good and I think I'm better off without her. The things holding me back from ending the relationship are that I keep hoping that things will get better and that I'm not ready to endure the pain of missing her. I know she's not "the one" but she is nice to be around sometimes.

 

In a nutshell I want to live for me and do things that make me happy. I'm tired of making sacrifices. She has made sacrifices for me, but I don't think they made her quality of life decrease. I'm truly unhappy but I don't know if the relationship is just struggling and can be fixed. I would also feel bad for leaving her at a time where she's having so many problems. But I'm starting to believe that she's really not the type of person I want to be with. I still love her and would hate to leave this relationship prematurely. Should I stick around and hope that things get better? Or should I leave the relationship. I don't want to make a bad decision. I don't know how to talk to her about this because she usually says I'm being selfish and that she has made sacrifices for me. And that doesn't fix the problem. I don't know if it can be fixed.

 

Thanks for reading, please give some opinions...

[misery12]

In a nutshell, I think that if you are having problems, and prematurly are having feelings that you don't want to be with her, than it's usually your head/heart talking, in which case.. you should listen to them because they're usually right on the money, for future benefits.

[Bounder]

Hvae you talked to her in a way that makes it clear that you need some things or it wont work? If it is clear to her and you're still hitting walls, then think seriously about where you want to be.

[RayKay]

I think how you are feeling makes complete sense, and is appropriate to the situation.

 

You know, you can love someone, but know that you are not compatible wtih them, and know they are not what you want/need in a partner.

 

1.5 years is plenty of time for you to know whether this person is right or not, and in my opinion if at this point you feel you need to work too hard to "change" things, its probably not right for you.

 

You want a partner - an equal. She wants a "parent". She also seems like someone who wants to forever avoid conflict, and is overly sensitive to the fact that sometimes people do disagree with one another, but they can still love one another. Part of building a healthy relationship is also healthy conflict resolution. You are not always going to agree (if you do, thats rather boring, isn't it!). Honestly I think you have a much healthier attitude then she does towards relationships, even this being your first real committed one. I can see how perhaps your bluntness hurts...I have been with someone who was "blunt" too...however, for her to react that way no matter what, points to more than just your bad communication skills. Honestly, she sounds manipulative - by the way she tells you "she is going through bad time but you can leave if you MUST" and by using her "sacrifices" against you, and by calling you "selfish".

 

I know how she feels, I used to be overly sensitive too, in my younger years. Not just with partners, but family too. Mostly due to my own self esteem, lack of experience/understanding, my own inability to communicate, accept criticism and so on. But at the same time, I can see why I would of been frustrated with me at that time! She's not ready to realize relationships are not a lifelong honeymoon, and that you cannot always be perfect, neither of you. She calls you selfish, to shift blame from herself, to make you feel bad, honestly.

 

Look, relationships take work. But they take compromise, not tremendous sacrifice, not to the point where you are drained of your self. Let me put it this way - contrary to popular belief, healthy relationships are NOT always 50-50. Sometimes due to different pressures/stresses in one persons life they are 20-80, or 60-40, or 10-90..and sometimes 50-50. Sometimes one will be "weaker" and less able to give then another and you adapt accordingly...but this should not ALWAYS be the case with the one partner. It should balance out, you need to receive in order to give...

 

I'm not living my life how I want to. Sometimes I feel like she is my child to take care of rather than a partner. She has told me that she wants someone to take care of her. I told her that I want an independent woman who can take care of herself. For months I have been asking myself, "What does she do for me? What good does she bring to my life?" Well for the past few months she's been bringing more bad than good and I think I'm better off without her. The things holding me back from ending the relationship are that I keep hoping that things will get better and that I'm not ready to endure the pain of missing her. I know she's not "the one" but she is nice to be around sometimes.

 

To me, everything you said in that quote above there is enough for me to say then it's time to move on. You both have different ideas of what a relationship is and what you need. If you are asking those questions, feeling it is more bad then good, and thinking you are better off without her....it's time to move on. 1.5 years is plenty of time to "make things better"....with the right person, things should fall more or less into place, it should not be THIS hard. You will miss her, of course. But do you feel you can still move on? Don't be with the one you can live WITH, be with the one you can't live WITHOUT. If she is not the one, she is not the one.

 

You are not her knight in shining armour, don't try to be. It will only come back to bite you in the end anyway. If you can't even talk to her about this without her reacting, I am sorry to say you will not make it - communication is terribly important, and it sounds like that aspect is not working here, despite efforts.

 

Ultimately, its your choice. I think you already know what you "want to do", but feel guilt for that choice. Let me say, your decision is acceptable, and fair given what you have described. If your heart and mind are not feeling it after all this time, for so long already, its time to move on...all relationships have their downs at times, but it should not be such a long "down", nor such a deep one....it should not feel like so much work, or so miserable.

 

Good luck.

[WildChild]

You have to do what is right for you, and if she isn't the one you feel right with then you need to end it for your sake. You said it yourself, she's nice to be around sometimes. Having difficulty communicating is something you can work on as personal growth, and realizing that you have a hard time communicating and would like to improve is the first step of self improvement....good for you . Allbeit, everytime you do try to express yourself to her she comes back that you are insensitive or selfish. Two things: 1st) How can you express yourself to her and communicate if she always has that as a rebuttal --->who would want to talk to someone if that's all they ever said to you! and 2nd) Her response to you is a form of manipulation. She is also using manipulation by telling you that you don't have to stay with her just because she is going through a bad time.

 

You didn't seem to have a problem expressing your thoughts to us. You brought up many points that you feel do not bring happiness or healthiness into your life. Some of which are you want an independent woman, she isn't; You don't feel like you can communicate with her, she doesn't allow you to without putting the blame on you; You try to do what you are capable of doing or giving to her, it is never good enough for her; and finally, she uses manipulation that no matter what you do or say it is never compares to what she has done for you.

 

If you want a relationship, you need one that brings you happiness. Every relationship has its problems, but they can't be resolved or compromises can't be made when you are dealing with someone who isn't willing to step up. She isn't stepping up and I don't think she ever will. She may be a good person, but people do things for one another because they love one another...not to use it as ammo. My thought is she needs to mature no matter what her age is

[nygirl79]

Hey there. I'm going thru something similar with my bf (ex bf now) of 2 years. He has a LOT of stress in his life, from family to money to job and his general self esteem and past relationship scars. We have a great time together and love each other a lot, but over the 2 years, his emotional baggage started to become draining to me. I felt like I was constantly having to be the strong one, the rock. I was so supportive and there for him but his neediness caused many arguments, because he made me feel like I was being insensitive and constantly doing the wrong thing. We finally agreed that while we love eachother, we simply are not on the same page. If someone is not happy with themself, they cannot possibly be happy in a relationship. You need to ask yourself if the good times are enough to make the bad times worth it. Our breakup was mutual because we agreed it was for the best @ this time in our lives....sounds like you have a tough decision to make, but misery12 was right - this is a case of your head and your heart talking, and they are almost always right......I know you feel guilt about hurting her when she is already emotional. That is perfectly acceptable but guilt is no reason to stay with a person. You need to focus on you and what is best for you. If the relationship is dragging you down, there is no point in being in it. Maybe this is just bad timing.....things will work out the way they are meant to. Maybe go your separate ways and if things change you can give it another shot......good luck!!

[Boundaries]

I so understand your position and at the end of the day, only you know what is right for you.

 

Most people stick their heads in the sand and hope that the problem will go away. In my case, it didn't and I was the one that went away. I dated a guy once who pressured me for more commitment and more attention. The more he wanted to spend time together, the more I wanted to be at work. The more he pushed for a commitment, the more I pulled back. The more he tried, the more I found fault. The more he spoke or marriage, the more I panicked.

 

I guess what I'm trying to say to you is that it's not the other person's fault nor yours. You can only be ready for what you're capable of and she is ony reacting to someone who is putting up walls and boundaries. Don't blame her or yourself for the problem in this relationship. It's really not a problem if you look at it from a glass half full. You're just two wonderful people who are not in the right stages of your life. She wants a future with you. You're not ready for more. It's understandable. You're still young. Young people are seflish...they focus on themselves so that they can grow. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that and you shouldn't feel guilty nor should you blame her for not thinking or feeling the way you do.

 

There is not easy way out when you care about someone. You either have to make a conscience decision or you put your head in the sand and hope that the problem will go away. The later part tends to inflict deep wounds to the other party. So the bottom line is, can you be strong enough to not string her and yourself along?

 

Good luck. And don't be so hard on yourself...or her.

[arakal]

Thanks for the fast replies everyone.

 

One of Wildchild's comments struck home big time - "everytime you do try to express yourself to her she comes back that you are insensitive or selfish. Two things: 1st) How can you express yourself to her and communicate if she always has that as a rebuttal --->who would want to talk to someone if that's all they ever said to you!"

 

And I have told her this... That when I try to talk to her she gets upset/her feelings are hurt and she becomes angry even though it's out of hurt. I have asked her to express her feelings more calmly. How can she expect me share deep emotions if she can't handle the simple things without getting angry.

 

I realized I wasn't getting through to her by talking so I wrote her a letter last fall. I even read it to my female friend to make sure nothing insensitive was in it. And my girlfriend STILL got mad at the letter (one of the biggest fights we've had). Which I took personally because the letter was purely about my feelings. It didn't blame her or anything.

 

And i do feel that she tries to shift blame like RayKay said. Every argument that we've had, I end up blamed. She has told me that situations that ended in arguments were my fault. I told her many times that things always seem to be my fault.

 

I feel like I have been giving so much and neglecting myself for so many months now. It makes me upset but I didn't want to make a rash decision or hurt her. But this has gone on for too long. I'm still the one putting forth all the effort and making excuses for her.

 

I have told her that I'm not happy. We exchanged letters around March expressing what would make us happier in the relationship. It helped for a couple weeks but has faded. (I accepted her letter but she had things to say about mine. How can you criticize a list of things that will make someone happy?) My friends have told me that I deserve better and I agree. I have a lot going for me and she is pulling me down. Just for the past year. If things were like this in the beginning we would have never gotten together. It's just hard walking away from the first person you fell in love with. But what's right for me is to leave, I know that. I've known that for a while now. It's just hard.

 

Thanks everyone. Any more replies are more than welcome.

[RayKay]

Just stay strong, don't stay or go back out of guilt. If she sticks to her pattern, I can see her trying to guilt you to stay. Start no contact after the breakup (I imagine it will be a tough one, but be strong) to keep the boundaries.

 

Friends sometimes influence us a lot, but it sounds like in this case they are thinking of you with a good heart, I think they are right and you do deserve better than this. In a healthy relationship, your partner IS a partner...an equal, someone you can communicate with, share feelings without judgement, a best friend, a lover.

 

It really sounds like the relationship has run its course and was not meant to be forever - stop forcing it to be. It's time to move on.

[Bounder]

Its hard sometimes for the other person to "click" into what you're feeling, but it sounds like you've been trying. Have you tried syaing that you dont mean to be insensitive, but this is what you're feeling and what you need? If you walk, be strong....and if she decides to adjust, make her show you instead of caving too quick.

[Tigris]

I'm sorry this relationship isn't working. She's making you feel like you're in a cage. She needs someone to lean on. You need an equal. It's obvious you want two different things out of life.

 

This situation will only get worse.

 

I hope you both find partners more suited.

 

Good luck and take care.