Learning to Trust (When he's completely faithfull)

[MiaMaria]

I'm new to this website and i came online only 10 minutes ago looking for an answer to my problem. Maybe i can solve it here.

 

I have been with my boyfriend for almost 13 months now and we are so in love and so happy but a dark cloud lingers over us and casue us to argue over the most simplist and innocent of things and that is my incapability to trust, it's not just him though, it's everybody. i was raised not to trust anybody but my self, my parents are so kind but they have both lost their trust for other people, namely my mum, she was sexually abused by her uncle from the age of 6, how could she trust anybody after that? She generally had a lot of bad experiences and from this my parents made me aware of these dangers from a young age, iwas never allowed to sleep at my friends houses until i was 13 and they kept a close eye on me, up until this last year they trust my boyfriend so much and give me all the freedom i need, yet i just can't trust him and the worst part is, he hasn't put a foot wrong apart from i found out he'd been lying to me, telling me he had never had another girlfriend aside from me then i found out that these things were not true, but i overcame this and understood that he did it not to hurt my feelings.

 

Anyway (i know this is getting long, sorry but if you've come this far please carry on) i'm the most insecure person, the things is i'm not vain or big headed in the slightest and i hate when people are like that unless they have reason to be, but i know i'm not an unattractive person, even my ex who i was with before my boyfriend has been calling me lately saying he's in love with me, well for one i don't think he loves me i think its probably just infactuation and two it doesn't bother my boyfriend that i talk to my ex, well he is bothered but doesn't want to interfere but if things were the other way around i'd be very upset about it. So back to my mistrust, i guess i'm worried he will see someone better than me, even on the TV we can't sit and watch anything with women i consider to be more attractive than me or with explicit scenes in it, if we do my boyfriend looks at me straight away but i can still get in a mood over it.

 

The big problem is that i'm just CONSTANTLY phased by this paranoia of him seeing anything like that but it hurts him so much. I worry about him straying and then i think well if i carry on like this he will and its a vicious circle and it's just absurd and as i write this i can't believe that i'm saying this, i can't believe this is how i've become but in my heart i know he is trustworthy and loyal but my mind decieves me all the time and puts thoughts there that i fight but i don't win and succumb to this misery that's driving us both crazy. I love him so much and i know he loves me and thinks the world of me, he even swore on my life that i am the only beautiful girl in the world in his eyes. Why is this not enough for me?

 

Is anybody else like this? Can anybody help? Has anybody been like this and found a way to snap out of it?

 

If so, please let me know. I need to end it for the sake of my relationship. I feel so stupid for my actions but learning to trust is the hardest thing i've ever tried to do.

[DN]

You have to make a decision to trust him. Easy to say and hard to do but that is what it comes down to in the end.

 

Don't say you can't help it, don't think about being raised that way. Tell yourself you do trust him and every time a thought of distrust pops in your head make a specific decision to pop it right back out again.

 

Every time you think like that say to yourself

 

I love him so much and i know he loves me and thinks the world of me, he even swore on my life that i am the only beautiful girl in the world in his eyes.

and then say " this is enough for me."

 

Do this each and every time to convince yourself.

[Ms Omaniac]

you need to try and stop this...as hard as this is. you actually push him away when you constantly do this. i can understand being untrustful in the beginning. but if he keeps proving himself and he has to keep proving himself...this will get old and he will eventually be wary of it.

 

the fact that he has stayed this long with you constantly questioning him shows that he DOES love you and is trying to prove to you that he does. the reason why your relationship is not enjoyable to you and him right now is because of just your insecurity.

 

you need to try and not fret so much and not worry about the future nor worry about what MIGHT happen. you need to try and enjoy the moment...enjoy your relationship with him...enjoy having someone that cares deeply about you.

 

i think everyone has some form of cynicism and mistrust in the beginning. but if it is so overwhelming...it is ruining your life and relationship then you may need some counseling to try and overcome this. definitely talk to others and talk to him about this. open communication with your partner in a rational and civilized way always helps.

 

take care and good luck.

 

- ivy

[MiaMaria]

Wow, i can't believe someone actually replied lol that's cheered me up just knowing soemone took the time to read and then even write back.

 

Thankyou to DN for using my own words as my advice, i wasn't expecting that but it hit home for me and thankyou to Ms Omaniac for your good advice, we are happy but we still tend to argue about these things a fair bit but i know you're both right. I really appreciate your advice, it does mean a lot to me and i will try to work with it.

 

Once again, thankyou both.