problems coping with change/people leaving me

[nothingontheinside]

i dont really know where this post belongs. anyway. so, i got a message from the girl I was dating, and i guess we just kinda stopped dating cuz she went off and did her own thing. okay. so let me start here. i become attatched, really really easily, which is a bad thing. but i guess it could be a good thing too... but i dont know where that would be a good thing yet. anyway. so she sent me a message after i asked her what was up.she said this... word for word to me... it hurt but im trying to deal with it.

 

"if i'm leaving for college in a few months, you getting attached to me isn't good for you. you don't deal with change well. at all. you don't deal with people leaving you well. i'm leaving. we can be friends. but. i am leaving."

 

her... leaving... i mean. crap. any of you could ask any of my friends. that is not good. i have borderline personality disorder, and anyone who knows what that is knows that it includes instability in interpersonal relationships, which mostly means, extreme commitment and attatchment.

i cant let it go. i dont know how. i need help. shes on my mind all the time. she wont leave it. she haunts my dreams.

so now, I am alone. i feel abandoned.

i am afraid of abandonment.

And I am lost. I look around and I see her face and I follow her illuminating eyes to find nothing. Was there ever anything? God. Help me.

So now the freaking crisp brown grass feels as dead as my heart as I sit down in it, and let my tears be the first to water it in years. But then I sit here, and I hear a laugh. It's not hers. Not hers.

But I follow it anyway, and soon am surrounded by her face again.

Smiling.

She's taunting me.

Teasing me.

I want her. Just to be mine again. Though she was only mine for that little bit. when we walked hand in hand in the park. and at the amusement park. and we were happy. just. happy.

She taunts me even more, and I find myself in a labrynth of colors, swirling with lies, and with broken hearts and confusion splattered on the walls, now dripping into my soul.

Do I have a soul?

Then again I am alone, and I realize, I have been alone this whole time, lost in fantasies of what will never be, and I really know, I am alone.

All I hope for is a

hug.

A kiss.

Our fingers dovetailed into one anothers hearts holding on for all eternity, catching one another's tears.

 

Maybe one day there will be a light in my eyes.

And when there is. You'll all know why.

But really. No one will notice.

I just wish she wasn't so beautiful.

So now I have let you all into my mind. It's something I don't let many people do. Please help me? I am so lost.

Sorry that was so long.

It's just what I'm thinking.

[jevonj77]

Ok...this is the deal...she doesn't love you...there is nothing you can and should do about that in this situation...

 

Now for now you have to get your life togheter...one of the ways to do this is to go and look for a new girlfriend...you will find that this new girlfriend will cause you to shift your attention from this old one...

 

the other thing you need to do is to find out in the beggining of this relationship where you are heading...what your goals are and what your commitments are or aren't...this way there are no such stupid surprises as in this case...it is clear that the whole time your girlfriend was thinking that she was going to break up with you when she went on to college...it takes a long time to plan on which college you want to go to so...she had to have thought about leaving you for a long time too...

 

Now...do not get attached to a girl if she decides she does not want to stay with you...and stop saying that you have all of these problems and such...just deal with them and find out what you can do about them...you already know you have certain problems so stop speaking like you are stuck with them or the results of them for life!!!

 

Well hope this helps out a little....Peace...

[jevonj77]

Also, do you not see that you are only 16 years old...

 

if you take a look around...how many of the married people that you know, are married to the person that they were in love with when they were 16 years old...it is not a lot...take this time very easy and chill out...there will be others who will come and go but then you will lock on to the right one...hope this helps out...

[nothingontheinside]

yeah im only 16, but i havent been in love. i just... nevermind. just screw this all. no ones gonna understand.

[lunatic]

I think I know where your coming from. I was like that in my childhood and most of my teens. I never adjusted to change well at all and I hated my life so much. I can totally see where you are coming from and when I lost my first girlfriend I was suicidal. I was driving my car like a crazy person I wanted to die. Now look I am so much a different person and I still hard on myself with certain things.

 

I know your 16 and there is nothing wrong at all with you. You are still trying to find yourself and find a future career. That is tough enough without the added stress of losing someone in your life that you love.

 

Have you ever thought of getting some professional help? I mean someone to talk to is a huge help in matters of mental thought processes.

 

Thats how I started to write poetry when I was your age I loved this girl who wanted nothing to do with me. I finally gave up but, the emotions flowed out of me like a cheap wine.

 

You are not alone and dont forget that I know so many people that are depressed and deal with it. I for one am severely depressed but, I am finding a way to deal with losing a friend (ex gf)(Change) and I hate it. Fears of being alone for the rest of my life questioning myself with every decision I make.

 

come here and post when your down and sad or feeling lonely. I know big the emptiness can get and it is scary. Take it easy and you will find someone else someday soon. Now you have to relearn how to be alone again and work on your inability on dealing with change.

[nothingontheinside]

thanks hubman01. i do write poetry as well, and i also write short stories and such. and i am a photographer. i cant talk to a professional because my mom doesnt agree with that kinda stuff. that would reflect poorly on my family. anyway. this girl was the only one who could stop me from cutting, and now i am doing it again. its so weird.

and ive had a crush on this other friend of mine, shes straight, and she found out. shes still talking to me and stuff but i dunno what to do about that either! ugh i hate this.

[lunatic]

Well there is where your wrong. Only you can make that decision to stop cutting. Sometimes it is so easy to overlook ourselves when it comes to making someone happy. I dont understand the whole cutting thing and I never did that to myself. I just delt with my problems differently than you do. I know every one is different and I am curious as what your thinking about while you cut.

 

I guess the best thing for you right now is to post on enotalone and keep yourself busy.

[nothingontheinside]

i want to keep posting on enotalone and such, but my mother thinks the comptuer is the devil (because i can meet other lesbians online). and we currently do not have the internet. (baadddd for school work) so i have to go to the library for only two 45 minute sessions a day, and use the internet there. And recently, ive been feeling very... ehh...