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Hurt….porn again?!! Guys and girls, your thoughts PLEASE!


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About a month ago I posted about my bf looking at porn with downloads on the computer and the affection, sex and intimacy I felt we were lacking in our relationship. No big deal about porn but not when I suffer from it I thought things were better…would occasionally check the history and nothing there (of course he could erase it). He had deleted the pic of the girl out of his documents…made it look like I accidentally came accross it, I didn't say anything and the next day it was gone. He has been home for the last week and a half because he hurt his back enough where he can't work til next week. I have been the doting gf trying everything I can to make him comfortable like a nurse would and trying to keep the house in complete order for him while he is home with no help at all from him, even though he is almost recovered….starting to feel taken advantage of and taken for granted Because of his injury I have not tried to initiate sex nor has he. His moods have been high and low since the injury…I'm trying to keep in mind the pain, the medication and the not working but he's becoming hurtful and it's becoming very weighing on me because he has been so sarcastic.


Last night after supper we were joking about how great a cake would taste and teasing each other about who was going to make it. I asked him if we had any chocolate and his comment was "You don't need it, you've been eating "healthy" enough lately" I asked if he was implying that I was getting fat. His comment back was "You've been eating "healthy" lately, too "healthy". I was crushed!! I have not gained ANY weight! Nor have I ever commented to him about the 30 pounds he's gained since I met him or the food he can pack away Get this, about a half hour later he and my youngest boy go to the store and come home with ice cream! Shows it to me and I commented sarcastically "can't have it remember" he laughs. Later watching a movie, he makes butter popcorn and can't believe I'm not going to have any.


In the last 3 nights, he's been staying up way late and comes to bed around 3 in the morning. Last night when I went to bed I knew within 5 mins he wasn't in the lr anymore and had a strange feeling he was at the computer and sure enough he's at the computer "gaming" or so he made it look….I didn't say anything and went back to the bedroom with a continuing ill feeling that something wasn't right. He came to bed about 3:30 and I had just reached over to just give him a squeeze and in a mean and disgusted tone whips my arm away and tells me to move over. Of course I am crushed again I get up to have a cigarette and I can't shake the feeling that he was at those sites, sure sh*t there it was as plain as day in the history! Now I took into the fact that we haven't been able to have sex but ya wanna know what crosses my mind?! How flippin ironic that the day I see he has been on the sites is the day that he tells me in so many words I'm eating too much, hence: fat! I'm really starting to feel that this behavior has cruel tendencies. I feel like he intentionally kept the sites there to prove something or to tell me something. I was ok with porn, but now I feel like he is comparing them to me...something I was afraid would happen. I don't want to fight with him because it's senseless with him, but boy do I want to confront him on this one! I can't help but choke tears away and if I say anything he will deny it like last time, ignore me or get upset. Ten to one, I come home today and he'll have it deleted from the history. Am I imagining the coincidence here?

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Get some ammo, i.e. print screen of the history next time u see it and just be blunt. Be tough about this. I think this can be worked through. He is probably being this way because he is unhappy with himself. He's putting it all on you. He's mad that HE gained all that weight, not you. Maybe you are taking care of him a little too well. maybe he should see what it's like if you go on strike for a day or two. I'm just trying to throw out ideas & I'm not sure if any of it helps, but I think the way men see porn is like the way women often see soap operas. It's an escape & some excitement. If he insists on comparing you to them then you need to find a way to perhaps bring out your inner porn star... and maybe you should try to initiate sex.. (nothing too crazy, obviously if he's injured). This might be telling of what is going on. If he still pushes you away then I think you have a man with deeper issues then just a porn fetish. Bottom line I think he's probably really angry with himself. Just don't stoop to his level of sarcasm & meanness. Maybe you should switch things up a bit & let him find YOU looking at porn & comparing HIM to men in playgirl magazine...It might make you feel better. I hope you find something in this long paragraph useful. keep me posted! Good luck girl!

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Why are you allowing your boyfriend to control your life? He can actually tell you what you can and can not eat?


My concern is your low self-esteem. Work on raising your self-esteem. There are books in the self-improvement section of your local bookstore, or visit link removed.

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First of all, you really need to not put how you feel about yourself solely on your bf. You should start looking inward. You need to feel good about yourself for you.


Second, porn is a touchy subject with women. We are so much different then men in this area. We look at it as a violation of our feelings. But men arnt like this. When they are looking at porn they are not comparing you to that. They are not seeing a person there at all. Nor are they fantasizing what it would be like to be in a relationship with this person.


Third. It is a picture, or a movie. These women are not reciprocating there feelings.


You have a right to how you feel. But you also need to realize that the porn has nothing to do with how he feels about you. Men are not complete idiots. They know its fantasy. They know that most normal girls do not look like this. Besides it is probably all the not so perfect stuff about you that in the end he loves the most.


Bottom line. You need to find yourself for you. If that means taking steps to make yourself feel better do them. You will see that if you stop dwelling on wether you stack.. up to these girls, and start focusing on doing things to make yourself feel better. It wont matter as much because you will know that they are fantasy, and you are a living breathing wonderfully flawed in all the right ways person......

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Why are you allowing your boyfriend to control your life? He can actually tell you what you can and can not eat?


My concern is your low self-esteem. Work on raising your self-esteem. There are books in the self-improvement section of your local bookstore, or visit link removed.


I know I didn't have low self-esteem when I met him but am beginning to think I now do Anyother place or time, I woulda told the guy to take a flyin' leap and woulda baked the cake just to prove to them...why couldn't I this time? I've really done some thinking today (work is slow, thank God! LOL LOL) and I'm trying to see if there is a pattern or cycle. It's like one day he is as sweet as peas and tells me about the house he wants us to have and our future and the next day he acts like I'm the worst thing that's walked through the door, like yesterday. As soon as he sees I'm hurt or that he has upset me, most of the time he sweetens right up so it's like I'll forget, and what's so sad is I do until I refelect on things Like this a.m....he gets outta bed right before I'm ready to walk out the door (I'm thinkin he thought the boys and I were already gone) walks up to me gives me a kiss and tells me to have a great day and he'll see me when I get home..a mere 3 hours before that he didn't want me touching him...he'll say that behavior was cuz he was sleeping...always his excuse, but not last night..he was just getting into bed. Anyway, sorry about this last rant, but I can't help but feel lousier and lousier

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Porn is addictive. Check around. The one sided use of it by him is dangerous because none of us measure up to the models that are used in it. His expectations of you become unrealistic. If you are not having sex, this is even more dangerous. I strongly believe his exclusive use of it is damaging to your intimacy as a couple. You need to confront this in a definitive way. If you don't know how to confront him, get some professional advice as to how to do it.

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Third. It is a picture, or a movie. These women are not reciprocating there feelings.


The deal is (my first post from a month ago) these are interactive sites, where you communicate with one another. The picture I speak of was an actual picture of a girl posed half nude...not a porn star or from these sites, but an actual snapshot of someone without a shirt on. I don't mind about the porn, seriously...like I said we haven't had sex in a few weeks, but I think it's crap that he see's these women and then makes comments to me that are insinuating I'm too fat when I know I'm not I can't help but think he is comparing bodies...I've seen the site and these girls are HOT! Not some skanky looking D rated girls

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If that is the case. How are they communicating. What is being said. Are these girls ordinary girls, or are they being paid to do this web sight.


I would not put up with someone having contact with the girls. At what step do you call it cheating.


I would at this point if you are looking to save this relationship. Get you both into counseling. It sounds to me like the way he is behaving is ruing not only your self-esteem but your happiness as well.


He does have a lot of the signs of a porn addict. You need to take this into consideration as well. Like most addictions, they will deny.


But really, you do need to start working on your self esteem. This man has way to much stock in how you feel about yourself. I'm sure you are a wonderful person. And you need to start believing this, no matter what he says.

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I think you have alot more to be concerned with based on the way he's treating you besides the porn.


Porn itself doesn't have to be a big deal if it does not affect your sex life, or the way your partner treats you.


However, your bf telling you that you eat too much and are looking plump, insulting you after you waited on him hand and foot all week, and then being so rude to you in bed is a MAJOR RED FLAG.


Why are you allowing anyone to treat you this way? Don't you think you deserve more?


You mentioned that before you would have told a guy to take a flying leap. I'm wondering what you are waiting for.

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  • 3 weeks later...

I believe that if your boyfriend doesn't change, this relationship will not work out. It will only make you miserable, and who would want to be with a man that would tell you that you are eating too much?


Porn isn't a HORRIBLE thing, but it can break your heart knowing that your man would chose porn over having actual intercourse with you. Believe me, i know. I've been going through the same problem for awhile. When my boyfriend and I got together we had some problems simular to this. I would go to bed at night and he would stay up on the computer chatting with girls, talking to his ex girlfriend and planning on meeting her if she would come from kansas. I was never so upset in my life. I came home from work after checking his email account, took all the pictures off the walls and was going to kick him out. We had been together for almost two years and that just was not something I felt was right. I forgave him though. But a couple of weeks later he was chatting with girls and talking about jumping in the shower with them. Mind you - our sex life wasn't much either. I confronted him. He, in a fit of rage, distroyed our computer and to be honest with you I was never so happier. Now that the computer is out of the way, i dont lay in the bed at night wondering who is he talking to or what not. Now sometimes i do find that hes watching soft core porn on tv which still upsets me, but I believe that isn't too common either. We are married now. But we wouldn't be if he kept chatting online with girls.


Your happiness is the number 1 thing. You don't seem very happy. Talk to him about it. If he deletes the history, they make programs that will tell you everything hes done on the computer. Its not the best thing to do, but if hes going to lie to you then you have to do what you want to do. He isn't treating you with respect nor is he giving you the special things that make up a great relationship. I hope you will follow your brain instead of your heart. You deserve better.

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I have found that strangely when you don't make a big deal out of his looking at this type of thing, the thrill to sneak around and do it, ceases to exist. The more you harp on it, and let it upset you the more he'll sneak and do it. What I have found to work very well is this, If you not only invite him to look at it with you and the two of you can enjoy it. This will help loosen him up a bit so he wont feel that you are just trying to stop his urge to do this. I am telling you from personal experience that not only do I not mind if My Husband looks at it, but I like to be nosey and see what all the fuss is about. It makes him feel relaxed and he doesnt do it half or even a Quarter as much as he used to when i was insecure and made a big deal over it. Try this, and watch the tables turn.

Good luck.


P.S this is not an over night thing, this will take you some getting used to, and some confidence. Once you get the hang of it, you will see that not only is if funny (it is to me when hubby looks at it) but its also a nice sense of closeness the two of you can have if you do it together. Together as a team as opposed to him being watched and chewed out about it. Try that and post on that soon . Again, good luck honey.






Whenever he comments about your weight simply pat his stomach and say , hey babe, looks like we could both stand to lose a few pounds...this usually will make him see how much it hurts when he does it to you.




The Point i'm trying to make to you is that you need to appear more relaxed, and confident and try humor instead of tears, sometimes this scares a man because you're happy even when he's trying to be naughty.

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In my previous post prior to this one, I had mentioned that I did tell him I don't mind if he looks at porn and that I wish we could do it together sometimes. However, he denied even going to these types of sites, our sex life was (and is) lagging to say the least and he had a half nude snap shot of some gal (non porn) saved in his computer from when we had already began dating again. My position is that I don't mind porn whatsoever and told him that... most men (and percentage) of women view porn sites or mags. However, the sites that he goes to are interactive sites where the women interact with the people through web cams etc....


When our sex life could use a 100% boost (1-2 times a month is NOT enough) and he is in my eyes wasting what could be our time in the bedroom on the computer, I feel at times is cheating. If they were just sites where you go and look at nude photos would be one thing, but when you are interacting with live people, when does it and when doesn't it constitute cheating? I only brought it up the once. However, when I tell him we should rent one, his reply is always "no thanks, don't get into those" kinda thing.


His comments about what I eat continue, and too many to even try to put down right now. I told him one day that he is the only one who thinks I'm fat. His reply was "I never said you were fat!" My reply, "Well your constant telling me what to eat and what I eat basically to me is saying I am" The other day I told him "It's my body" Other issues have arisen but that's for a whole new post. I guess I'm more frustrated than anything. I don't want to beg to have to be loved, nor my body. I'm trying to get what angle he is on and at this point from day to day, I feel like his angle is nothing but a big circle.

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quote]Wouldn't you agree that someone who loved you would treat you with kindness and respect?


I know I'm not saying I'm perfect, but I many times am starting to feel it's hopeless. At times I know what I need to do, but then it's like he senses it and does sweet things, wiping away the slate. I use to have so much confidence in myself, and now I feel insecure in just about every aspect of our relationship, which I feel is for another post but I can't bring myself to even write it down. He said he loves both me and my boys, but many times I feel like I am around just to have someone here. We still have fun, but have had my boys a lot in the last two months (irresponsible exhusband ) leaving little to no time alone with one another. Somedays I can tell he is really trying, but the affection still isn't there (hardly any out-of-the-blue hugs or kisses, very rare). He has this porn website saved in his favorites under an alias name (which was recently just put there) and views it at least once a week. I still can't understand how someone can go to these sites, but won't perform for the person who loves him. Some would say 1-2 times a month is normal or fine, but how is it when it causes so much internal conflict. I can't bring it up to him without him changing the subject. I know it can be a "tough" topic to talk about, but I don't see him changing or trying to change the situation about the lack of sex or affection, making me wonder if it doesn't have something to do with me

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