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On abuse and abusers, have a few questions

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Most people here probably don't know my situation, I have posted here a lot lately about my goings on with a married woman. Read my passed posts if you want to know more...


She is getting out of an abusived marriage. This guy is some peace of work... He has pulled wads of hair out of her head, bit her face, shoved her into walls, and obviously hit her a lot.


Personally, I want to just beat the snot out of him, but that's beside the point.


So to my questions...


I have told her that I would not, and could not ever do that to her. But I think she's afraid I might. I have noticed that she seems to be scared of upsetting me. Like she'll make some teasing comment to me that is obviously a joke, and then she'll say "You know I'm kidding right?" or something to the affect. It's like she has to make sure I know she is just joking. Could this be because she thinks I might get mad and bust her in the face? Or am I wrong about that one...


I guess my next question is how can I show her I won't be violent with her?


Someone mentioned in one of my other posts that she may "expect" me to be violent because she is used to it? What do I do if that happenes?

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Yeah it can be very tricky. You have to first realise the issues are hers not yours. You probably cannot do anything to prove you won't be violent to her. She may need professional help to recognise that the truth that violence is NOT a normal part of a relationship. She may not trust anyone at the moment. It would depend on how ingrained the abuse is and how traumatised she has been by it.


Often people in abusive relationships come to see the abuse as a sign of their partners love for them. It does not sound logical but it is common. If the abuse was systemic (and if she told you a year it is likely to have been longer than that) then the issues will be very deep, not the sort of issues that can be resolved by your words or non-violent actions. She probably does not even acknowledge the issues herself.


If she is not already she should be seeing a therapist and your role would eb to support who through that,

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I was in an abusive relationship for 5 years. Afterwards I was very anxious around new men, I dated a man for 2 years beginning very shortly after leaving my abusive ex and it took me many months to learn to trust him, even though he was never violent and never laid a hand on me.


It continued into subsequent relationships as well. Always in the beginning as I was getting to know a guy I was anxious and unsure what he'd be like.


I've been with my present bf for almost 3 years now and it took a little time with him too, but I now completely trust that he would NEVER be violent with me and I feel completely safe with him. There's nothing persay that you can do to convince her, except be patient with her and don't be violent. It takes time.

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Systemic? Explain that, I don't know that word.


She is seeing a councelor right now, and I know she knows this was not normal or a sign of his love for her. She also told me this was the first abusive relationship she was ever in.


Yes, there probably isn't anything I can do to make her trust me...

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  • 2 weeks later...

i just got out of an abusive relationship with a man who is a sweet innocent loving man to everyone else.


so now, when i look at any man, im totally leary. thinking, this guy could be the next BTK!


sounds crazy, but it is true. women have been fooled to a point that they just give up, but their hearts tell them differently and that is when they (sometimes) get into trouble.


you cant prove or not prove that you will or wont. only time and chivalry will be the true honest stance.

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Abusive relationships can be very frightening for the one being abused. Once i got involved with a girl who was in a relationship with someone who abused her, but in the end she chose him over me even though he beat her weekly because she really didn't see that as being a problem. Sometimes the ones who are abused need someone professional to talk to who specializes in that type of abuse. Even if you obviously vented to her before in a passive aggressive manner about what you'd like to do to the Abuser, which can temporarily make her feel safe, in the end it'll just cause more harm. Besides you abusing the abuser wouldn't really break the cycle of violence, you'd just become the third wheel involved, and maybe you'd beat the hell out of the abuser, but once that person recovered, they could end up taking there anger back out on the one being abused. Those type of situations can be very explosive. Be careful...

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If (and a big if) my memory serves me correctly, I don't think I ever told her what I want to do to him. Yes, I want to hurt the guy, but that doesn't mean I will. It's more trouble then he is worth. When I saw the teeth marks on her face I can't even describe the rage I felt... But she is away from him now, so he won't be doing that anymore.


I guess it's upsetting to me to know what she has gone through. It's also upsetting that she might think I'd do the same thing to her. I want her to trust me (but I can't make her.)


This is new to me. Where I grew up it either wasn't near as common or just wasn't talked about near as much.


He also cheated on her a lot too. Just about every guy she's ever had a relationship with cheated. How things got started between us is complicated. But after all those times being cheated on I think she wanted to know what it felt like being on the other side of things. I hope she knows I won't cheat on her either.


Borashi, I'm sorry to hear that. I was worried the same thing might happen to me, but fortunately she made the right decision.

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Things are going fine. She is so perfect for me. I'm going back home in a few months (not staying, just visiting), and I'm thinking about asking her to come with me. So, yes things are going fine.


This is just something I have noticed with her and I know it's because of what she put up with from him.


I also know it's not her fault. I can't let it get to me.

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She filed almost two weeks ago. She moved all her stuff out and is living with her sister now.


He has a new girlfriend who is sending her nasty e-mails on a daily basis. He is making the whole thing out to be her fault. He tells everyone how she cheated on him, but neglects to mention all the times he cheated on her (and rubbed it in her face too). He also doesn't mention that he gave her permission to cheat on him. He just wants to win everyone's sympathy.


My lady is seriously thinking about responding to one of new girlfriend's nasty e-mails with a sincere warning about what he is really like. Not just the cheating, but the abuse. His new girlfriend knows he's a cheater, she is one of the girls he cheated on my lady with when they were together. Do you think she should?


I don't exactly feel right calling her "my lady." I just don't know what to call her at this point. I don't think it's right to call her my girlfriend seeing as how she is still technically with him (on paper). I don't think I should call her my lover either because that just sounds so sordid.


Well since I mentioned asking her to come back home with me, does anyone think that would be a bad thing? I want her to come with me really bad. I just don't know if asking would be a good idea. And how should I go about it if I do?


I've gone on long enough... good night...

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I don't think you should be inviting her to visit your family just yet. You guys need to be taking this slow, and she just filed for divorce two weeks ago. While that is a step in the right direction, the last thing she needs is to feel the pressure of meeting the family so soon.


Remember that you said you were willing to wait for her, this includes slowing down the progression of your dating and not rushing into anything too heavy.


I don't think she should email the girlfriend. No matter what she says, the husband is just going to call her vindictive and turn it around and who do you think the gf will believe? Trust me, if he's a cheater and the new gf doesn't care, she obviously doesn't have much self respect, and she will learn the hard way that he abuses women too.


I would leave it alone and have your friend move on with her life and let it go. Tell her to block the new gf's email from her account, or just delete them and not read them. Why bother?

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Maybe I should explain the reson I'm going home...


Since I left, I've been back home twice. This time will be my third. Trips back home aren't cheap, and it's hard negotiating the time off work. My mom is turning 50 and I promised her I would come home for her birthday. I didn't just get this idea in my head to go home and take my lady with me just because. I don't want her to think I don't want her to come, because I do. My family is actually wanting to meet her, especially my sister. My sister told me she can't wait to meet the girl who made me crack after nine years. My mom is just excited that I found someone willing to put up with me...


I just figure if I'm going to ask her I have to do it soon so all the plans can be taken care of.


As far as taking things slow, in many ways we have. We aren't sleeping together currently. The only time we had sex was the one time that started all this. While we are holding off on the physical side of things, the mental connection is getting stronger every minute. I don't think either of us can slow that down.


I think you are right about the e-mails from new girlfriend though. No matter what my lady says or how honnest her intentions are, it will just be turned around on her in the end.

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My family is actually wanting to meet her, especially my sister. My sister told me she can't wait to meet the girl who made me crack after nine years. My mom is just excited that I found someone willing to put up with me...


Does your family know the whole story? Maybe they need to know, so they know why you are taking it slow.


I still think that regardless of your reasons for going home, it's too soon and too heavy to ask your friend to go with you.


It's great that you are going but I don't think it should cross your mind to worry about you "not wanting her to go" by not asking her. It's not really appropriate to ask her yet, when you are not officially a couple.


I think it's good that you are taking things slowly and allowing her to move though her range of feelings about this seperation before you go all in.


Just be patient. There will be a right time to bring her home to meet the family, I just don't think it's now.

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Not sure at this point. I tend to think all decisions to death before I actually decide on anything.


I'm not going until the beginning of next year. The situation could be completely different by then. I guess for now I'm seeing what happens. My family is really wanting me to bring her, and it may be a good while before I go home again.

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