My Failure As A Knight In Shining Armor

[LostInTranslation]

Well I gave in and broke NC over the weekend after I promised myself I wouldn't. I felt I couldn't move on leaving things the way they ended ... breaking up over text messaging.

 

I met her at her house Saturday night. We immediately fell in each other's arms. We laughed and played around for hours in bed. Then she did it again. She told me how much she loved me, how she missed me, and how much she needed me in her life. She started crying again and said I was the love of her life. I didn't break down this time ... I couldn't. I didn't express any feelings and I didn't cry. I knew she wanted me to because she began to cry harder.

 

I wiped her tears and asked, "Why can't you be happy?" Of course, no answer. She's confused. I'm the love of her life, but she can't be with me. We ended up sleeping together that night. She asked if I just used her. I told her there was no one else I wanted to be with. She fell asleep in my arms. She never did that, ever. I couldn't sleep and just looked at her peaceful face all night until the sun came up.

 

We talked all day Sunday. I didn't ask for us to get back together but I expressed that it was a mistake to walk away from each other. She didn't agree or disagree. Why I continue to find my way back to this girl every time, I will never understand. She put me through so much negativity and pain from day one. She abused me mentally and verbally because her life's issues. She used me and never appreciated me. Yet, I still love her and remain in love with her. She is all that is wrong for me. I can no longer be her knight in shining armor. Why couldn't I save her? Why wouldn't she let me take her away from all the abuse she has suffered her entire life? Why couldn't she love me as much as I love her? I never gave up on her. I promised I wouldn't, but now I must. Will she ever realize what she had in me?

 

And now she has a new love interest. I know she's into this new guy even though it's only been a week. He's already pressuring her to be together. He also expressed he won't put up with her talking to me. We cannot even be friends. She was talking to me on the phone yesterday while she was text messaging him. My heart sank. I told her to tell me what to do. She said we have to stop.

 

I let her go. My life is in disarray. It hasn't even been a day. She is gone. There is nothing I can do. Do I wait? Do I find someone new? I don't know. I've been through this before except now I am much wiser. I know I will move on one day, but the pain is so surreal, so excruciating. I can't cope right now. I'm sinking into depression more and more as every second passes. I haven't cried. I won't cry. She doesn't deserve my tears. Yet I feel my heart still belongs to her.

[lady00]

From your previous posts and this one, all I can say to you is: this woman is TOXIC. And she is probably going to mess with the new guy just like she messed with you. Don't envy him. Be glad she's now his problem.

[DN]

From your previous posts and this one, all I can say to you is: this woman is TOXIC. And she is probably going to mess with the new guy just like she messed with you. Don't envy him. Be glad she's now his problem.

 

agreed - stay away from her. She cares for no one except herself.

[jng92130]

Your situation sounds so much like mine. It's so terribly difficult to let go, especially when you have given so much to her. I tried so hard, as you have.

 

And when you put all that you have into a relationship, every ounce of your being into making someone else happy, into trying to *make* them like and love you, it's torture to have it all thrown away -- for her to move on to the next guy as if nothing had ever passed between the two of you.

 

Try not to worry about how things turn out for her. Either she'll settle down, as my ex might, or she'll bounce from one guy to another, hurting each one, until she loses her appeal and one day finds herself very, very alone. She has treated you with inhuman cruelty, as did my ex.

 

You sound strong and in control, despite the crushing pain you feel, and I think that as the emotional pull fades, as it will over time (not soon enough, unfortunately), your intellect will affirm what you know and what other posters have said: this girl is bad for you, and this is an OPPORTUNITY in your life to move on and maybe eventually find a healthy relationship.

 

I'm working hard to let go of expectations. I've lost the girl I loved dearly; she found her "soulmate" and dropped me like old garbage in a matter of days. And all there is to do now is keep going. If you feel that everything you are is tied to her, your job now is to be selfish. Find yourself, find who you are and what you love.

[RayKay]

Sigh...Lost....I feel bad for you for getting yourself wrapped back up with her again....

 

As another poster said, she is toxic - in other words, poison. She will take you down with her, but you don't yet see you have the power to save yourself. You cannot save her...people can only do that themselves, when they are ready to admit their weaknesses, their failures, their responsibility. She is not there.

 

If she can drop you that fast, even as a friend, she is not worth it hon, not at all. Especially for a guy she just met - I can guarantee that if he is "forbidding" her from talking to you, this will not turn out healthy - she is walking right back into abuse again, but you cannot yourself stop it. I hope you can contact her family/friend and tell them you are concerned, but she will not listen from you, won't believe it. Even those who are abused must save themselves.

 

All you can do is start moving on, healing, looking toward the future - because it is so bright, you'll have to wear shades I promise.

[LostInTranslation]

Thanks all for reading and for your words, especially RayKay.

 

RayKay,

I'm so sorry I disappointed you and I am most disappointed in myself. I know I can't do anything but move on. I am weak from losing this battle with her and now have nothing to show for myself but a broken heart.

 

She is toxic and I have grown accustom to going back for more. She is like a drug, when I have her, I am happy like never before. When she's gone, I need more and will do anything to get her. I am now faced with going cold turkey as they say and hope for a better tomorrow without her.

[RayKay]

Thanks all for reading and for your words, especially RayKay.

 

RayKay,

I'm so sorry I disappointed you and I am most disappointed in myself. I know I can't do anything but move on. I am weak from losing this battle with her and now have nothing to show for myself but a broken heart.

 

She is toxic and I have grown accustom to going back for more. She is like a drug, when I have her, I am happy like never before. When she's gone, I need more and will do anything to get her. I am now faced with going cold turkey as they say and hope for a better tomorrow without her.

 

You did not disappoint me Lost....I just feel sad you are feeling the way you are. Don't be down, we almost ALL have done similar at some point or another.

 

Now your heart is broken, but in the end, you will have more to show then that - you will have strength, experience, amongst other things.

 

The withdrawl is the worst part, just like with drugs. Stay strong.

[SexySadie7]

HEY Darling Lost.. i read just the other day that being in love was a bit like a drug addict... that when people were in love the same centers of the brain were lit up as when people injected something like heroin.... So.. when you withdrew the drug... or the love. you felt like the same feelings of withdrawl..

Give yourself time.. i have not read your other posts i believe.. but i have to agree with Ray.. People who only take and don't give.. and then... discard someone who were so kind and giving to them are indeed toxic people...

I am starting to realize that my last lover was also like this... He would take and take... and not give back a lick.... if he gave back it was only with cutting remarks.... AFTER he drew me into his web. Before that he was sweet as pie.

Why he did this i don't know... he had lots of "issues" too... I tried to be kind toward him.... my mistake was probably being too kind before i really got to know him.

I think that overall he was rather abusive mentally and verbally too.. He also smacked me up side of head in public too once...

I often wonder what his behavior would of developed to be if we continued seeing each other...

He is now in a "committed" relationship.. Excuse me.. but i'm afraid he's the one who needs to be "committed"! lol

You take care.. you don't need someone like this in your life.. A good relationship is give and take.. not take only!!

[LostInTranslation]

Well, to make matters worse for myself, I called her this afternoon. I received a call this morning from a job I've been wanting for a long time and they want to meet with me this coming Monday. I was so excited that I called everyone including her.

 

She didn't answer so I left a message screaming about the good news. She called back immediately, but I was on the phone with my mother. She left this message,

 

"Hey baby! I'm so happy for you! Congratulations! Call me back."

 

I am in no way looking into her words as anything. I called her back and we spoke for a few minutes ... mostly me just saying over and over, "I can't believe this!" and expressing how happy I was. I then said that all of this must be happening for a reason concerning us. If all goes well, I will be leaving the state.

 

I am excited right now about the way things are turning out, but after my excitement ended, I was reminded about not having her in my life. Part of me wishes that I hadn't called her and she would have found out through the grapevine after I left. But the other part is glad I told her because she said just the other night that if the job went through, she would want to know.

 

I know I can ride this new situation in my life as a way to move on without her. This will take a lot of hard work and dedication for it to go through so I am now happy I have something to focus on.

 

It's just funny that I thought I had talked to her for the last time yesterday and today the greatest news came my way. It's just so funny how the universe is lining up for me right now.