Angry Rant! Any thoughts??

[blueyes25]

If someone has left you...they have left you and thereforeeee, they have no claims to you, nor you to them.

 

If someone has left you in a "limbo" situation, the only choice you have is to close the door yourself. Unfortunately, I feel like everytime I try to close the door, he tries to push it back open to keep me waiting...

 

An example:

 

We have been apart since June. The limbo situation has been hanging over my head since the day we walked away. I finally tried to close the door for good with a blunt IM that stated I was done and was moving on etc. No, the IM was not hurtful or spiteful - just blunt. I asked for no response to the IM and just let out what I needed to let out. It is was my peace of mind. I was doing fine and then I got a random and completely unexpected email 1 week later. He actually had the nerve to say...and I quote "I guess I just don't know where I stand with you anymore. Does this mean you are moving on?" I was floored and it made me laugh bitterly...how dare he ask if this means I am moving on...he is the one who LEFT ME! It was his choice!! Of course, I am moving on - his statement just proves that when he LEFT - he didn't think I was going to move on, either that or he just didn;t want me to - it's like he just thought I should wait.

 

He called me on Wednesday (I have not heard from him by phone since 7/7) and nothing had changed other than him telling me he was so afraid to lose me (yes, folks..keep in mind he is the one who left) and that the IM "scared" him - but that he has to "fix" himself - he kept telling me over and over that he just thought that somehow we would "end up together". I initially felt guilt when I got off the phone - he is in therapy for some sort of abuse that he won't talk about (understandable) and he has completely pushed me away in hopes that he can "get better" and come "home". I have been there for him every step of the way, but it is just too hard to love someone from afar. I NEED to heal and this is not helping me at ALL!

 

I am having trouble believing that if you truly love someone, you can just push them away, as he has done to me. Sometimes, I want to believe his "issues" are all just a bunch of "bull****" He actually had the nerve to tell me that my love is the only thing holding him together right now! That was so hard to take b/c it's like he knows that I AM loving him from afar and I AM there - even when the reality is that I AM NOT! We do not talk regularly at all. He left ME people!! He does not want to be in a reltionship until he can fix himself and not F*&% it up - or this is what he says...

 

Anyway, folks this does not paint a pretty picture - it is all so tragic...I need to heal and I am not sure how to close the door - I feel it is selfish and unrealistic for him to think that somehow we would just end up together - I have to heal - he cannot expect me to just sit around and wait to see if he "figures" it out. Women like me DON'T wait...and what's more is that I CAN'T wait - it is just too painful and I deserve to heal.

 

If someone truly loves you - is it possible for them to just walk away? I just don't believe that - b/c I have put myself in his shoes - I would be reaching out - not shoving away. Why is he putting in so much effort to keep me hanging on, when he won't really let me be there for him? What is the point? He made a choice to LEAVE me! He is choosing everyday to NOT BE HERE! Why is he still holding on and acting like he is the one losing someone - when HE LEFT ME!

 

There are so many mixed messages and frankly I am so tired of the convoluted bull&%*$! I just want to let go and sometimes I feel like I am caught in this spiderweb - like we are still connected...bound by something we can't define and that one of us is scared of..(and the one who is "scared" is not me)

 

Comments anyone??

 

It seems that every time I take 2 steps forward in this healing thing, I am thrown and I end up 1 step back...

 

I find peace in knowing that it won't be like this forever....

[Bounder]

Blue,

 

Bless you for letting it out, it will help, believe me. Whil I cant pretend to understand this guy, I can say this. Love is not subject to rules or expectations, it does what it does. HOWEVER, if you feel crummy, if this guy is hurting you, even unintentionally, then why stick with it and agonize over it? I could justify everything my ex has done to me as being ok, her just needing to find herself and blah blah blah, but what does that do for me?

 

It does nothing. It doesnt change the rejection, the confusion or the hope. You control that. Maybe he is confused, maybe he is afraid of something, but if wont tell you, then you cant be expected to know everything in his mind and what he needs. He shouldnt send you mixed messages, but maybe he doesnt realize he is doing it. My ex is having a tough time letting go of the friendship we had and the way I was there for her and in tune with her emotions. She wants that still, and wants it to survive us splpitting up. Is that good for me? I am not sure yet...because that intimacy for me might be weird if she was with someone else. I dont want to be the victim, and neither should you.

 

I dont think he is wanting to make you the victim in all this, he may be going through a rough time, but dont you think he owes you more than confusion and sadness? He loves you, and should be able to listen to what you NEED as well, not just what he does. Hope that makes sense!

[blueyes25]

Hi Bounder!

 

Thank you! If you know anything about me or my previous posts, anger has never been in any of them. I guess this is the point where the anger starts to come and that's normal, right? or so I have been told.

 

The questions I posted in the previous posts were futile. No one will ever have the answers (including me) and to this day, I know Andrew loves me. Like I said, these are the ties that bind. His struggle is with something deeper than I can understand and that is b/c he chooses not to talk about it. What I know is that I deserve a complete love! Andrew has NEVER done anything to intentionally hurt me - this much I know as well. However, I feel like some of his actions have been selfish - especially the ones that involve keeping me in limbo - or trying to keep us connected. Wether they were intenionally selfish doesn't matter - they were still selfish and they have hurt me. This is why I need to heal...

 

Anger has finally set in - and although I would never take these things out on him - it is just a way for me to cope with this stuff...it is so hard to not be with the one you love - when they left you - but keep telling you how much they love you and how they thought you'd just end up together...blah, blah, blah

 

All I know is that this is painful...I wish I wouldn't have taken his call on Wednesday 'cuz all we did is go around in circles...

[Jinx]

It seems he has problems accepting choice A or B and instead wants his cake and eat it too so to speak from what I can tell.

 

I had a bf like this (I've had such a pool of prize winners over the years) and he would break up or threaten to break up without much reason. I'm like sure okay, can't be bothered, keep moving. I was fine with breaking up I was actually pleased.

 

Next thing I know he is back. I wanted to scream. He would say about how much he loved me and afraid of my moving on and how life would be if I, the love in his life, wasn't around. He always said about future events and how we were meant to be together. Later when I didn't do so well with his begging he tried the I'll kill myself to prove my love thing. Of course the few times I took him back he was right back to where he was before we broke up the first time, nothing changed there.

 

Eventually I realized, the only way I could heal would be. (A) Write a long but easy to understand email tailored just for his inability to understand what was coming from my lips earlier. Explaining the situation and that I was now blocking his email and not to contact me again. Been nice knowing him but its over and he needs to move on as I do. Life goes on. (B) Phone numbers change. © His letters shredded unless I felt the need to amuse myself. It was a total let go. He tried by changing his email, he asked my friends (more like harassed them for contact info), he sent stuff he tried to contact me. Eventually it seems like he gave up and despite there was a minor hole where he left once he wasn't seen or heard from it healed over quickly and I could move onward. Total removal of the source is the only recommendation. They never change as far as I could tell in my similar situation.

[Bounder]

It is. My ex has at leats made the apinful jump that she just doesnt see us together....but given that a few days before getting dumped we were talking marriage, it hurts a lot, like how can somebody just give up like that?

 

Your situation seems a lot different, and maybe there is hope, legitimately and much less remotely than in my case, but is that good for you, fair to you? Yes, love involves sacrifice and compassion and empathy, but you should do it because that is what you feel (and know) they need, not because you want to see if he will come back.

 

It is painful, i hate being alone, and I hate feeling like it will take a long time to get that close to anyone again....I wish I could just meet someone to fall in love with all over again like tomorrow!

[blueyes25]

No, Bounder - it is NOT fair...it is ambiguous and painful. That is why I have to make the choice for myself to get better. There was nothing like lying, cheating, lack of love, or any of that, that tore us apart....or so I have been told. Bounder, I really don't understand all of it myself and that is what makes it so painful. And we will never really know how someone just decides to just give up...that is the cruel irony to all of this.

 

I love this man with all my heart and have done nothing I regret...I have so much love and respect for him, as he does for me as well. However, I just know that even if there was a chance for us in the future (and yes, there very well may be - but that will not be anytime soon!) I have to HEAL...and what I am trying to do is break the ties and come to terms with the loss I feel...and it is extremely difficult. If it was meant to be, it will be...but right now, it's evidentally not meant to be - or he would choose to be here. That means 2 things: a.) we are not together b.) I need to get on with my life and keep living for me! HEALING

 

I hate this crap too! I don't really love being alone either...I like it sometimes - but not in large quantities right now - I wish I could just go fall in love again tomorrow too! My biggest fear is that I won't be able to - but I know that is FEAR and completely irrational...

 

Thank you for your advice..it truly does help.

 

I was just not at all prepared for the depth and range of my emotions - this is my first time through something like this!

[Bounder]

My first time too, high school does not compare to this, sharing bills, commuting every weekend, making plans and sticking to them and of course the physical side. I too feel my fear of never finding love again may be irrational, but what if it takes years? Am i condemned to allow only part of me out for all that time?

[blueyes25]

I don't know what to say...maybe it will take years for the both of us, but I truly hope not. However, I do know that in order to fully love again, we have to heal...and I guess you never truly know how long this will take because each person is different.

 

All I know, is that I am tired. I am tired of thinking about him and caring about him and still loving him. My frustration is at peak level. I am not sure when the feelings will begin to subside, but I pray they will. I think I am experiencing all of this b/c I actually talked to him last Wednesday. This did nothing to help at all except stir up all the dust that had started to settle. I am so sad

[Bounder]

Maybe being tired of it is an important phase, like you are realizing what this is doing to you, emotionally and physically. I found myself saying that the other day, my old roomate said I seemed very mellow when I went to visit him this weekend and I said, I am just exhausted by all this Yves and want it to be out. Maybe I am losing the nergy to throw myselrf into these feelings, and maybe thats a good thing?

[blueyes25]

Probably so...I am glad I am not the only one...it's so odd how "feelings" can make you tired....focused energy on negative emotion can literally make you feel like you just did manual labor all day. Maybe you are right and this is an important phase...

 

I can say that my experience was really bad at the beginning and then things started to get better...and now they don't feel so good again. People say that, that is part of grieving...that it comes in waves. I guess this is true. It just frustrates me to feel so sad again, when I was doing so well. I mark days off on my calendar b/c it makes me feel strong to make it through one more day and reminds me that time is passing and that somehow this is supposed to get easier.

 

I can relate to your "mellow" state of being b/c sometimes you are so tired that you just go numb - there is no more struggle at those times b/c it is too hard to "think" or "battle with yourself and the confusion and pain". Your body is giving you a break. This has happened to me quite a bit on my journey through this.

 

I hope you are doing okay today...I guess I am...but I just feel sad. However, I do have faith that we are going to get better with each passing day...and Bounder, we will find love again

[Bounder]

You think so? I have been on a few dates, even kissed a girl a couple of weeks ago, but as soon as I am alone, I am flooded with longing and thinking about what she is doing, and not caring about me. That is what I want to stop, because my brain is starting toi click that the way she is right now is not the kind of person I want to spend my life with, but then I say, what if she changes? Argh! I'm having a rough day. The joy of being a master's student with way too much time on their hands

[blueyes25]

I do think so...faith is the only thing that keeps me together. I still believe in love and you should not give up on it either. Of course you don't feel anything for these other girls...you haven't completely healed. Don't let this discourage you. The best thing you can do for yourself is to get out there and meet as many people as possible...this doesn't mean you have to sleep with them or feel anything for them...and DON'T feel guilty or bad about enjoying someone elses company...(I know this has happened to me a time or 2)

 

I have been asked out lots of times since my break up and I have gone out with some people, but am honest about my place in life right now. I know where I am at and what I am and am not capable of. I am capable of friendships and flirting - not a relationship. The only relationship I have right now is the one with myself and it is turbulent alot of the time b/c I am unhappy and tired of feeling alone. I know you are too! However, these feelings will pass - or at least that is what I keep telling myself.

 

How long ago did your break up happen?

[blueyes25]

Hey Bounder,

 

Here is something I do to torture myself! Ever heard of link removed? Well, I am on it as well as my ex...I check his profile constantly and it makes me sad...am not sure why I do this, but it sucks! It only makes me sad to see his face and all our mutual friends on the site. I have never told anyone this...but I am not perfect, so I figured I'd throw it out there. I guess it keeps me connected to this and forces me to face the pain head on. I wish I could stop doing this - it's kinda like looking when you really don't want to look, but you just can't help yourself...This is the weirdest part for me and I wish I had never known about myspace.

 

P.S. If you have a profile, we should add each other as friends...ha, ha and if you don't, you should make one - it can be highly entertaining and may even get your mind off your ex. (and No, it is not a dating site)

[Bounder]

We broke up (I should say she called me to break up) on July 15, so not even a month ago. We were together 3 years of ups and downs, but I always felt I could work through anything with her.....heres a brief version of my story

 

link removed

[blueyes25]

Ahhh, ok I read your story once before actually Anyway, you haven't even been through a month, sweetie! Don't be so hard on yourself...it hurts, but I promise it won't be as bad...you are coming up on your 1 month and if you can make it through 1 month, you can make it through another...congrats! That shows how strong you are My break up was on 6/24, so I am headed to 2 months and I am hoping by the time I get there, I won't feel quite as miserable.

 

Also, I am going to say it again - OF COURSE you don't feel anything for any other girls and still think about the ex constantly - the only way you wouldn't is if you didn't really love her...but don't let this make you think that you will not find love again - it hasn't even been 1 month...you will heal.

 

Chin, up!!