I Broke it, I'm Scared, And He's Scared Too

[precious_babae]

To anybody with advice~

Today I broke up with my boyfriend of two years. I was feeling overwhelmed with everything going on. A year ago his mom passed away and his toddler brother (2 years old) is within a joint custody with him. I know he needs me, and Im not going away at least as a friend. I just feel like mommy, in fact, im even called it sometimes. Im only 17, come on, how am i supposed to take all this weight? Anyways, he was pretty cool about me needing time and stuff. But it's so hard not to hug him, hold his hand, or kiss him. And I am aware that I am not able to do these things or I will send mixed messages. How do i break these routines? I am so used to him that I am scared to be without him. And he keeps telling me that he wants me to be happy and he's scared that he's going to lose me forever. I know he really was trying to work on things before i ended it, but no matter what he did, my feelings weren't changing. I felt so unfair because he was trying so hard and I wasn't giving anything back. I FEEL SO BAD! I love him, but I feel so caged up and I just need some time out. He isn't making a big deal out of anything, and he even took me to the movies tonight after all the tears. I know he's showing me that he's still here and I am doing the same, but I am just so used to everything. I'm scared he will find somebody new during the time that I need, I'm almost scared I might find somebody too. I don't have anybody in mind, but now that we won't be together as much, I'm afraid I'll look for back up. I tend to be a clingy dependent person and that's what Im trying to work on. I want to be a single person, not 2 for 1 anymore. I have been in a relationship for as long as I remember. Can anybody give me some advice to breaking away and being satisfied just being by myself? Is it normal to be scared even though I'm the one that ended things? I feel so insensitive and selfish right now. I want to be his friend and be around, but is it too soon? We didn't break because of fighting or anything, neither of us ever did anything wrong to each other. Just because I felt weighed down and wanted to be free. But now that I'm free, I don't know how to act. Will he be mad if I start hanging out with other people? Should I even attempt to do so? Maybe it would make me realize how important he is or if what we're feeling is even real. I'm young, in love, but confused about it. ANY advice whatsoever and as much as possible would be EXTREMELY appreciated, I need as much as i can get! Thanks for taking time for me!

[mischief]

It is normal to feel overwhelmed -- your breakup is a significant life change.

 

You ARE NOT supposed to take all that weight. You Are supposed to enjoy being young and discovering and exploring the world. From now until you are at least 25 or so, you should be figuring out what you like and want: in terms of FUTURE partner and in terms of your own life, goals and dream. Begin working towards your dream, in the next couple of years, if not now, and don't allow anything to derail it.

 

It's not a matter of YOU being unfair -- it is a matter of YOU and probably him (though you don't mention his age, I assume he is around yours) being too young to be in a committed relationship.

 

I believe part of you is HOPING he and/or you will find "somebody new". You don't really like being in a relationship with someone who is so dependent on you, though you obviously care about him (and you probably care a lot about most people you know).

 

Clinginess and dependence are unattractive, and will often get the opposite of the result you wanted. Try to remember that next time you find yourself becoming clingy or dependent. They are both probably also traits of his that turn you off.

 

It is very important to be satisfied being by yourself. A lot of people have not yet learned how to do this and thereforeeee jump into unhealthy/unsatisfying relationships. Spend time with friends and family, and new romantic interests if you are ready, without giving any single romantic relationship very much importance, until you are 25 or so and are well on your way to accomplishing your dream. Keep busy with school, work, other activities.

 

Yes it is normal to be scared even though you ended things. You are going from the known to the unknown, which is scary.

Don't worry about feeling insensitive and selfish -- put those feelings aside if possible -- you have to do what is right for you first.

 

When you say other people, you mean other GUYS. Yes, he may be mad. He may be hurt. You don't have to tell him in painful detail or even at all what you do when you are not with him. If it will get back to him, then it is better to tell him up front that you are going to see other people and he should do the same. Who knows, there may even be a girl he is interested in who you don't know about.

 

You are not IN LOVE. You LOVE him -- care about him, don't want to hurt his feelings.

You are confused because you think your feelings should be a certain way, and wish they were that way, but they are not.

 

We do not CHOOSE who we fall in love with -- in fact it often seems the other way around -- love chooses us.