The scarring...(this is long, bear with me)

[Strandysmommy]

Boy I feel goofy, I really post on this forum a lot. Alright, so I have a WONDERFUL boyfriend. I love him dearly and he never lets me forget how much he loves me; he tells me that he's not going anywhere, he's not going to break up with me unless it's something we both want and have excersized every effort to fix.

 

So why can't I believe him?

 

My ex, (yes here we go with the ex) blindsided me. He decided to move back home after living with me for 9 months, after dating for nearly a year. He said he could get a good job back home. I was worried: "Gee, I have 2 years of nursing school left, are we going to be ok for 2 years?"

 

*Big smile* "Of course! I love you, sweetie! It's going to be fine, I swear." I decided, never the less to drop out of nursing school and get my medical asst. degree, since it would be less time. He thought that'd be fine. He once again re-assured me that all would be fine and we'd get married and he loved me.

 

The day after he left, I called to see how he was, and he dropped the bomb. He started pulling all these reasons he was dumping me out of his bum, and laughing a little about how since we'd run out of things to do, and were not on the same intellectual level, there was no point in being together. He got really mad when I demanded to know why he never said any of this stuff before.

 

Now here I am with a great guy who obviously loves me, who says he feels like something really good is going to happen in this relationship, that there's something different and special about me as opposed to his other girlfriends. (His ex jilted him about 2 months after mine did) and I should be in ecstasy. Don't get me wrong, for the most part I am, we do fit each other remarkably well. But I keep expecting someting to tear us apart! I get all shaky and sweaty when I call him or he calls me because I expect him to just dump me right there and start saying all this stuff he never said anything about before. He has to get a second job to make ends meet, at the same time I am starting nursing school (take two) and I worry we'll drift apart. I told him this and he just shook his head and said "Do you really think our relationship is so weak that it'll fall apart if we don't see each other every day?" He also said I need to stop thinking about this relationship falling apart and about him dumping me. I know this, I really do. But all I see is my ex, laughing. I feel like he's hijacked this relationship...or he's hijacked my self confidance. I don't want to go through each day expecting to get hurt. I want to trust my boyfriend because I love him, and he loves me. He says I make him happier than he could ever imagine. I want to keep doing that.

 

What can I do? Part of me just wants to scream at my ex (who assumes that we can be good buddies still and IM's me often) but that would be pretty random and out of nowhere. Heck, it's been almost a year now since he dumped me and my boyfriend and I were going to celebrate that day...and then the day his girlfriend dumped him. I don't know what I should do...

[sidehop]

Do you still want to be friends with your ex? To me it sounds like he took control of you completely and did what he did. It sounds like you still have a lot of anger but also a connection that's not completely cut off with him.

 

Your b/f now sounds like a good person but also he's not your ex. As much as you know by heart he's not but you still have your past to think about which I'm sure that is making you confused. I honestly think you should stop talking to your ex in any form for awhile and be with your current b/f...

[RayKay]

You do have to stop these thoughts - as they will become a self-fulfilling prophecy. It's not what we want that happens in our lives, it's what we BELIEVE that happens. Our actions create the reality we dread so much!

 

It sounds like a lot of insecurity is at play here, and like you never really healed from the relationship with your ex before getting involved with your new boyfriend. Because this is a new relationship, and a new person - he is not your ex, and this is not your past relationship.

 

You talk about how great your relationship is with your current boyfriend, but do you really BELIEVE it is my question? If you really BELIEVED it was as awesome, and you had healed from the past, I don't think there would be so much insecurity here by the sounds of it. Many of us have been jilted in the past, hurt...but we lick our wounds, heal move on, and don't enter new relationships thinking of all that can "go wrong". Do you love your current boyfriend for whom he is, or do you love him as he is not your ex, and because he treats you well? Do you stay with him because of what he tells you, or because he loves you, or are you with him because YOU love him for who he IS?

 

In our lives, there are always more stressful times - I am planning to go back to school and take Law next year, and it will be incredibly stressful on me, and on the relationship too...my boyfriend and I (we live together) will have to make some big changes, since it will cost me $60,000 to get through school again, and putting our plans on hold - for family, a house. I am definitely worried about how it will affect him & us, but I am not worried about him dumping me because I trust him, and I trust in what we have and our partnership. It sounds like your insecurities and your past haunt you, so you can't form that partnership yet.

 

I think you are not healed at all yet from the past, and you need to let go and accept time has moved on, your boyfriend is not your ex and this is not your last relationship. It is not the same...but your actions may create a repeated reality if you cannot control and move past these feelings. If you have not already done so, I would even recommend therapy/counselling to help move past it if you can.

[Strandysmommy]

I'm sure I haven't really haven't healed. It was only what, 4 months after I got dumped before I met my boyfriend...albeit it was still 2 or 3 months after that that we started dating. Even before I finally broke down and gave him my number and started dating him, I knew I would be dating him, and I knew there was something special about him. (We e-mailed each other a lot and saw each other every other week at a mutual friend's house for game nights) I get this feeling that things are going to be awesome, that this relationship isn't going to end with hurt but with happiness. I get a feeling in my heart about it quite often.

 

But then there's that other little voice that says "Boy you sure love him...he could hurt you GOOD, wouldn't it suck if he broke up with you? Let's imagine it, shall we?" That or I'll have dreams that he's lying to me or cheating on me. I've gotten better about not letting it happen, but when it takes hold of me it snowballs very fast and takes hold of me hard. My ex said he'd never EVER hurt me, and we'd be together forever...he said it even the day before he broke it off. I told him of the other few boyfriends I had that just kinda pulled the rug out from beneath me. (By the way, I was his first girlfriend) and he said it'd never happen. But he lied through his teeth, and he admitted it too.

 

I know that my boyfriend of current has had the same thing happen to him before. He's had a few more serious relationships than I, and has had them end painfully, but he seems to be able to...well, lick his wounds so to speak. I know he's not my ex, he's much better at communicating. I guess I have to just plow ahead with life and do my best to stifle that little negitive voice before it takes control and my ex wins, he'd like that I'm sure.