It'd need to stop...

[Javert]

Hello everyone. This is my first post on this kind of forum... in fact I never thought I'd come to do this. But.. it seems I have to ask you ppl for some advice cause my problem is really over my head now...

Let me begin by describing myself a bit: I am a 27 yo male and I live a "average" life. By that I mean that I'm not on drugs, alcohol or any kind of excesses. I think I am a pretty sensitive guy. I like computers, photography, I write electronic music and work in the media and publishing. I like to have friends ... I tend to be the "Seinfeld" type of guy and I mean that I'd like to have a couple of close friends (male and female) to feel close to, joke about others, criticize in a positive manner and experience a feeling of mutual trust and respect.

Now for the problem: Until an year ago I've never loved a woman, though I had a few relationships most of them in my teens. I have decided to wait for "the right one". I wanted her intelligent and sensitive and of course to match my personality type but not in full... you know... the kind of woman to marry and have kids and stuff but not to be a classic relationship though...

So.. one year ago I met a woman She is also 27 yo and she's a psychologist. To sume up his personality I'd say she is the "hippie" kind of woman. She tends to be attracted by the 70's both in her clothing and her favourite music, books and so on. She is intelligent and sensitive, a little childish (though she's hiding it because of her profession), quite beautiful though not what I'd call "my uber type". Anyway... she was married for 5 years. She divorced 2 months after I knew her. Not because of me... she was already in the process but meeting me speeded up the thing anyways. Now the problem begins: because I'm staying with my parents we couldn't move togather but we discussed it. We deciced to wait for the autumn for the rent prices to drop and then move into a rented apartment. Until then she decided to live with her ex husband. I know him and her and at our level of trust this matter is not so weirds as it sounds. I mean it's not a threesome or something just to set things straight. It's just a temporary situation. Now I have observed her in the last year and my conclusions are that we have no future togather. She is a weird type of woman. She had NO REASON to divorce her husband.. in fact I could say (knowing both) that she is a better match for him than for me regarding life style and interests. After hours and hours of debate both with her and with myself... and after learning about some things of her past (which leads me to the conclusion that she is so unstable that I will certainly be in her ex husband's position in less than an year from now) I am now convinced that our relationship will not go anywhere. It's just a rational decision based on facts. No heart and feelings involved. She also knows that. She tried several times in our discussions to make me understand in a very subtle manner that she know that. Interestingly there are no fights between us.. it couldn't even be but I'm feeling something very wrong... as if something is going to happen. Quite astonishingly is that I love her and sex is great and stuff...

So... I need your help with several things. Please the voices of knowledge be heard!

1. I want to downgrade our relationship from "couple" to "friends" with the minimum possible losses on both sides.

2. I want to gradually stop loving her cause It's gonna be hard for me not to have her around, touch, kiss, spend time and so on.

 

In order to help I can provide with some preset behaviour that I thought of:

Find quickly someone to love (at least to spend time with - I know I can replace her .. after all I know that this is better for both)

Be the superman.. change reality.. change her.. ( I know I know.. people don't change)

 

That's about it... I'd like to add that although my story doesnt sounds so blue I'm really about to be heart broken.. I know myself and I know that it will hurt me so much to break up with her... In fact I was - am almost sure that if things weren't this way I'd make her my wife and love her all my life.

Please excuse my typo.. english is not my first language. I'm looking forward for your answer. Thanks for reading.

[Beec]

OK, the first thing to think about is why prolong the pain. It is going to hurt, it is going to happen, why put it off? It won't help you avoid it. Get ready and do it. The sooner you can, the sooner you can be healed, the sooner you can look for and find a better relationship, the sooner for everything.

 

The other thing to consider is how to best deal with it. I think you should just cut your ties. She's great, you respect and like her, but you cannot see her for a while. NO CONTACT. It will be easier to not see her than deal with the pain of seeing her for a while.

 

Otherwise, I would keep busy, find things to do, date as much as you can, find new interests, take classes, etc. The busier you are, the less time you will have to think about her.

 

Not much else I can think of. Good luck.