Need help understanding....

[WomackC706]

HI!

 

I recently found out that my fiance is looking at pornography on the internet ..... again! He promised me that he wouldn't do it anymore because the only fights we have ever had within these past 2.5 years have been about porn (other than one fight). I found it on our computer and was upset. It is of girls that are nothing like me... I am a fullfigured girl with a tan and brown hair. He looks at shinny (ribs showing) girls with no boobs at all. I want to understand why he feels the need to look at this, especially when he knows that I am ready and willing all the time to have sex or take care fo his needs whenever he needs or desires it. I want him to stop!!!! How can I get him to stop? He doesn't want to talk about it... Everytime I even think about this I get repulsed and don't even wanna have sex or be near him. HELP ME UNDERSTAND HIM and WHAT TO DO TO STOP IT!!!!

 

Thanks

[annie24]

I think for a lot of men... well, some women too, variety is the spice of life. He's looking at women who are opposite of you, because they're different. It doesn't mean that he's not attracted to you, just that he wants to see a different type of naked woman occasionally. Imagine you had your favorite meal every day, you'd get a little tired, and you'd be ok with eating brussel sprouts instead of steak, just to have something different.

 

Is he just looking at porn, or is he also trying to meet other women online. Just because he looks at porn doesn't mean he doesn't love you. How does he treat you otherwise? Maybe you two can watch some "soft-core" porn movies together as a couple.... just an idea....

 

good luck

[TiredMan]

In most cases, one has nothing to do with the other. A couple can have sex every day and it could be great but a guy wants his "alone" time as well. Maybe this is how he prefers to do it, rather than using his imagination. I think it's more your insecurity than a problem with him, unless, like the other person said, he is looking to meet people online to get together with them, then that is something else.

 

Keep in mind that sex has more physical feeling (as well as emotional) for men. Most men don't take care of themselves while imagining. They use stimuli.

 

I think if you bring it up to them, it will make him uncomfortable to speak about. I say just know he does it, and let it be. As long as he isn't trying to meet someone.

 

To answer your question, you honestly shouldn't get him to stop if that is what he likes. It honestly has nothing to do with you, i'm guessing. Now if you guys are about to have sex, and he can't perform and has to go to that, then it's a problem. if it's not, then it's not.

[Adelle]

I don't see what the big problem is with porn and why it bothers women so much (i say 'women', because I've never actually heard a guy be bothered by it).

I'm a female, and I have no problem ... heck, I look at porn online sometimes. Granted, this was something completely new to me that I started having an iterest in since I am in a long distance (was, recently broke up actually) relationship, and since my ex and I used to think phone-sex is just really absurd, this was an interesting way to have some 'stimuli' as TiredMan said (although, pics dont do it for me really, not at much as actual porn). For me at least. Just for fun, I used to actually send him pictures (if i saw anything really hot that turned me on) ... or picutres of me sometimes! He used to love it, because not only did he appreciate the fact that i 'understood' that all of that stuff is just for fun (i.e. liking porn doesnt mean he doesnt love me, and vice versa--although you rarely hear a guy complaining about his gf liking porn!), but he also appreciated the fact that he didn't have to hide this from me. He actually had nothing to do with me getting into this, that was all on my own, but when he found out he was pleasantly surprised I guess, lol.

 

I'm saying all this, because, at the end of the day ... what are they? Pictures, websites, magazines... all figments of technology, right? Nothing can replace you, your body next to his, or the feeling of a touch.

I'm quite you're you don't share my opinion on porn (from what it sounds like!), but that doesn't mean you have to chastise your husband for feeling that way.

If you love him ... AND (this part is very important), IF he is definitely NOT doing anything *more* with his online activities (ie. trying to meet other women, like some fo the other posts said, etc) ... if you are certain that he is doing this just for the stimuli factor and not being 'naughty' so to speak, lol and if you love him... then, just say 'eh, what the heck, its not the end of the world.' If this is something he enjoys, just respect that, because you love him unconditionally (right??? i'm assuming, since you're married?!). It won't happen overnight... you wont read this, possibly agree, and then wake up next morning and think, hey porn is great! Nobody is saying force yourself to like it. Not at all. Just respect and understand that he does, as long as he's not taking it any further and dipping into infidelity of any kind.

[Adelle]

I'm sorry, I misread your post ... you said he's your fiancee, I kept saying 'your husband' in my previous post, but fiancee is close enough to husband ...!

[WomackC706]

Ok-- My insecurities are not because I believe that he doesn't love me.. They are because the women he CHOSES to look at are nothing like me. The first time we had a fight about this, he promised me he would stop (aka---he wouldn't let me find it). For about a year and a half, I never found a thing (and NO I wasn't wanting to find anything...I never looked. It was always obvious if he had). Now, he has subscribed to two sites that he pays ($45 every 3 months, and $10 every month) and to me that is like cheating. He is paying to see naked women who look nothing like me and they 'please' him the way that only I should. When I feel in the mood and I am not with him, I simply just wait until I see him. And Yes! It does affect our sex life. If I come home from work and I wanna do something (oral sex, intercourse, etc.) and he says no, I can look on our computer and see that he has looked at it.. Or in the middle of the night he will grab the laptop and take it in the living room and watch this porn while he knows all he has to do is touch me and I will be ready. I just don't understand why this is happening! It makes me feel like sex with me is awful or my body looks awful because I am not 120 pounds with no boobs. So, should I just be anorexic and lose my weight and boobs? THEN will he stop? If I look like them and act skanky like them?

[Adelle]

Ok, there are a lot of very important details in this post that you didn't write in your original post! My previous repsonse would have been MUCH different.

But before I even start responding to the rest of your post ... PLEASE don't even think about losing weight for this purpose. Don't lose a pound, dont lose an inch ... unless its for you, completely separate from this issue.

 

Like I said, if you had mentioned a couple things my original post would've been very different. I responded to the little info you gave, and now that we know more, here are some of the really alarming things:

1) He's paying quite a bit of money for this. When I mentioned looking at porn for fun in my original post, I didn't mean anything like this ... subscribing to sites (?!), etc. No. That's not cool, especially since it IS apparently interfering with your sex life. If it had no effect, then I'd say let it slide, but not in your case.

2) He gets up in the middle of the night and grabs his laptop rather than rolling over to you on the other side of the bed, and from what it sounds like you're very accomodating (or you would be, if he made an attempt).

3) His 'habit' has obviously damaged your own self image and deeply affected your self-esteem, and to me that is most alarming of all.

 

I truly believe, this has NOTHING to do with you. Not you, not your body, not your 'ability' to sexually satisfy him, none of that. He has a serious problem. Unless you've been utterly depriving him of sex and refusing any/all intimacy whatsoever for like the past... year!, then he has no excuse to be doing this when you're perfectly willing and ready to be intimate with him should he pry his eyes off the computer screen.

Please don't let this cause you to doubt yourself and your own beauty. You could lose weight, be anorexic, heck, get a boob reduction! lol ... wouldn't change anything on his end, because he has an entirely different problem in and of itself, it seems. And this goes without saying, but anybody you have to change for like that, is truly not worth it.

 

If you really love him and want to work through this, he first needs to seriously realize how big of a problem this has become. I am hoping you have sat down and seriously told him how much it bothers you, how it has severely affected your sex life, etc. If you talking to him doesn't solve whatever problem he has in his head, then i guess the next step would be to go get professional help.

And through this whole ordeal, do not let this shake your self esteem -- easier said than done, but it will be easier once you realize his problem was not caused by you probably. If anything, you should be proud of yourself for putting up with this, congratulate yourself for your own loyalty and integrity within the relationship.

[WomackC706]

Thanks, Adelle!!!

 

This made me feel better. I have really thought about things and he and I talked about this problem, because it isn't his problem or my problem...It is our problem. He has agreed to pay more 'attention' to me and less to the computer. He says that he will continue to try to cease looking at these sites because he knows it is hurting us... He says that he has been trying, but before he met me, he had never had sex or anything with anyone so that was his way of 'releasing'. I suppose I can understand that, but it does have to stop (at least paying for it).

 

THANKS AGAIN.