Stuff I have learned...hope it helps...

[auburnslp]

Hey all, I wrote this a little while ago to a friend on here, and just re-read it-I hope it helps some of you in some small way-I personally found it to be helpful to utilize the perspective and experience of others when I was busy dragging myself out of the depression and pain I experienced over a year ago...

 

You asked about the lonliness...unfortunately, that is just part of the whole thing. When my ex left, I was terribly lonely. Felt completely alone as I had spent three years focusing completely on Jill...had lost track of almost all my old friends, spent all my time either with her or planning to be with her...this is a mistake I will not make again. It is very important, even when in an amazing relationship, to keep your friends close...I hope you have learned that same lesson. Anyway, I felt I had nothing. I spent time re-establishing those old friendships, making new ones...I dated a bunch...but here is the hard truth...even with all that, I felt terribly lonely, I missed my ex more than you could possibly know, even when out with others...and Life, I am sorry to say, for many of us, that's just the way it goes for a while, when your heart is mending...but it was far better than it would have been had I just holed up and not done those things though, that is a truth. So continue to force yourself to get out there, even when it feels unsatisfying...and last thing-about the lesson I learned...even though I am at the beginning of an amazing relationship now, I am not going to make the same mistakes I did with Jill...I have set up a double date for next week with us and my best-friend and his wife, whom I basically abandoned during my time with Jill, and am having a big party here at my house tomorrow for all my friends who are able to come. I just won't ever do that crap again...hope that makes sense to you-we learn so much from each failure-the trick is to actually put into play the lessons we learn...

 

So, basically, realize that what you feel regarding the lonliness is just a normal consequence, that it will remain, maybe for a long time, even when you are out with others. Just face it with the knowledge that it keeps getting less and less as time goes on, and also realize that it might not go completely away until you open yourself up and find the woman you are truly supposed to be with. As far as your friends go that seem to be totally fine when they break off a relationship? Well Life, many of us have different capacities in our hearts for love. You and I and Dakota and almost all of us on this board, clearly have a greater capacity than most. That is why we hurt as badly as we do when a love leaves...so while the pain is a curse, the blessing is that capacity we have-we will love far greater and more deeply than any of those other people, when we find the right one...and believe me, there are just as many women out there that cherish a man that has that kind of heart, as there are that dismiss it...so focus on that truth-it is one thing I have learned in my 38 years on this rock...

 

The pictures you have around but can't find? Tough one, the answer is different for all of us. I got rid of most everything, the daily reminders, but there were some things I just couldn't get rid of-in particular a poem she wrote me that really should have been published somewhere-it was that beautiful. No one had ever expressed that kind of love for me before. I left it in my closet, and when I hurt badly at times, sometimes I would read it, and cry. And most people would say that is self-torture, and in a way I guess it was. But it was also a reality-check for me. It made me incredibly sad, but it also reminded me of how love should be, and despite the ending of me and Jill, it made me realize that maybe one day I would find that kind of love again. But we are all different here-maybe for you, you should get rid of everything...maybe not. That is a question only you are going to be able to answer...

 

Last question-regarding how many times do we have to go through this before we find our match? No way to know that for sure...but I can tell you, that the pain we feel after each loss is not in vain. The lessons we learn equip us, teach us, about what we really need and want, and what to avoid...for example, after Jill, there is no way I would ever see seriously a recently divorced woman, no matter how happy she seemed about it at the time. It's just too fragile a time, and you never know what will happen. I also learned the signs to look for regarding a woman giving her heart completely to me and only me...I know now how to see that. And also have learned that at the first sign that this is not the case, to cut your losses and run like hell, because we deserve better...Life, I fought against that for so long with Jill...would get so angry over it, even when she swore up and down that I was wrong, that she only loved me, had no feelings for her ex, even when it was so clear to me-I truly believe that she believed that at the time, wasn't consciously lying to me about it-but I could see it even when she couldn't-it was very clear...anyway, like I said, I would get angry, and here's a really funny story-she told me that I needed counseling because I was angry and wrong about it all, and it was hurting our relationship. I would call her on things, and a couple of times out of frustration would raise my voice, completely unlike me, but it was just the nature of the current situation at the time...anyway, I then began to self-doubt, wondered if I was way off base, and if my reactions were too much, so I agreed to go, in part to help myself and our relationship, to determine if I had an issue with anger, paranoia, whatever...so I went...twice...told the guy every single thing...and after the second session, the guy looks at me and says..."you must really love this woman-because the things you have told me, I would have been absolutely furious over". He said, "anyone would have been angry in those situations. As far as your reactions, you were justified in being frustrated. Sounds like you clearly tried to reasonably and rationally discuss your concerns, which were then dismissed by her. Leads to frustration. I can help you better handle that frustration, by showing you how to walk away from that situation, or continue on without letting it show, but it sounds like overall, you handled those situations like most anyone else would"...hey, sorry about the story, I just wanted to illustrate my point that we learn from these things, and like I said, if I ever found myself in a relationship again where the feelings were not reciprocated as well as I was offering, I would just leave, and not try to make it work-I have learned that you can't take away feelings they might have for others, no matter how hard you try. They just have to be gone, replaced by feelings for you. And also, we can't make anyone feel a certain way for us-that comes entirely from within. Just lessons I have learned. And those lessons equip us for finding the one we are truly meant to be with. So, long story short-we just have to be willing to take that risk. And when we get hurt, we have to look at it as positively as we are able, that we have learned, that it will help us along the path to eventual happiness...and most of all, that we need to be patient, and not settle. Never do that my friend. Trust me. Your greatest love will be the one who is better than the greatest that you have lost...please never forget that one-and brother-you are 21!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Listen, I'm 38, single dad, two kids that live with me in a small town where, if you value good teeth and good hygeine, well, the pickings are slim indeed But I have never, ever given up hope. You have so much time to find the one meant for you. Deal with now my friend, but also, learn the lesson, look ahead, and be patient.

 

Last thing...maybe it never truly goes away. When we feel that deeply for someone, maybe it stays with us forever. Last night, I was driving my new gf to dinner and a movie, and I passed Jill going the other way. Remember, with this new girl, I have basically closed the door on the possibility of Jill and I being together again, because it was looking like a possibility. But enough was said that I realized that Jill still desired a reconciliation with her ex, and in that, I just can't do it-like I said, I have learned my lesson. But I still love her, probably always will...this new girl is everything I have ever wanted-she is absolutely the most beautiful girl inside and outside that I have ever met. I have absolutely no idea what she is doing with me, , but she loves me, already has told me she wants to marry me. And chances are, I will ask her at some point. But, still, somehow, it is difficult. My new girl and I slept together last night-comforting, wonderful, and you know what? I dreamt about Jill....twice. Don't remember the specifics, but I did. What does it all mean? I can tell you that I am extremely excited about this new girl. She is as good as Jill in some ways, and better than her in many others, and she loves and wants only me. A clear choice. But maybe it means that sometimes, when we love someone that deeply, the feeling never totally goes away. I imagine I will always miss Jill. In a certain way. Always wish that it had worked out differently, in a small way, despite who I meet and fall in love with. Maybe I am wrong and that feeling will pass completely. Hope so. But I am prepared to deal with it if that is not the case. I am not settling in any way-this girl is the best I have ever met. And I could have persued the possibility of me and Jill, but I have basically blown her off...you know, last night, when I passed her, I knew she saw me as well, am sure that she noticed Amy with me, and for a moment I worried about her, and how that would make her feel, because I had not told her I was seeing someone-I think she guessed it though, due to recent interactions. But then I went on the date last night and was so completely into Amy...didn't think of Jill again. Until the dreams. Just takes time I guess...

 

Anyway, really sorry I wrote so much...I try to keep it short but sometimes I go on and on-I apologize...Well there it is...good luck to all of you dealing with what I dealt with last year...Michael

[sweetheart4ever]

Thats very sweet to repost that so others can learn..

[Shadows Light]

Nice. Thank-you.

 

When you truly love someone. You give them a piece of your heart...and it's always with them. Love is a postiive energy that really never dies out. He'll always have thoughts of Jill. Even when he's moved on.

 

ahhhh the Loneliness blues.... 8) Haven't figured that one out myfriend.

[auburnslp]

sweet heart-thanks for the compliment...and Shadows-the loneliness blues? Read my post again-because I have been there and done that and am now past it-I hope my experience can give you insight to it and maybe some answers...and you are right-I will most likely miss Jill always...I am committed to my new girl and yet still think of Jill-I am sure I always will...but the thing is-I don't want her anymore. She was just a huge and meaningful part of my life, and I will remember her for that. Good luck myfriend...

[eva1218]

Dear Michael,

 

I'm so happy that u sound doing so well.

Good for u!!!!

 

Take care,

Eva