Really tough emotional bind

[SolSystem]

My girlfriend and I have been dating for almost two years, and we have a committed relationship where we talk and discuss everything. Nothing gets left behind. She has been studying abroad, and out of the two years, she has been away for 6 months of it. (Once for a semester, again for another two and a half months). We live together, and right now she is abroad, and I have been thinking over a lot of things.

 

Personally I am a shy/quiet person. And that was with me for most of childhood; this relationship has been my first long term relationship. We never get into fights, although maybe we raise our tones of voices every now and then. Our goal is to work everything out, and look into the root of problems in order to solve them as best as we can.

 

I enjoy a very goofy sense of humor (as depicted in Dumb and Dumber for example). She comes from a very different family background than I do, and I have never held it against her, why would I? Her parents are divorced, and she has LOTS of difficulty dealing with them. She never really showed any warmth or closeness to them when we visited her parent's places, they always irritated her. I got along very well with her parents, which makes her feel good, and me as well. Family is of upmost importance to me. I am close with my parents, and my brother who is autistic. I rather enjoy the company of older adults.

 

There has been a major issue where I have been made to feel bad for wanting to see my parents. She maintains that she likes my parents, but her actions don't quite match up. I brought this up with her, because I felt there was an unnecessary tension between her and my mom, specifically. I feel she has a hard time understanding the relationship a son/mother can have while at the same time loving your girlfriend dearly. I personally know of other people who feel/experience this sort of thing. Every, and I mean every, time (which is not often at all), I get to see my parents, my girlfriend always gets upset. So far, since our relationship started, I have not had a happy time with my family when my girlfriend has been around. This is not good to me.

 

She even stated she feels closer with my aunt/uncle than my own parents. Still, I felt that the root of the problem was that she might be feeling uncomfortable around my parents, because of her tough relationship with hers. Nothing is changing, despite my efforts, and this makes me feel two things: I am trying to change her, which makes me upset cause that sounds like I dont accept her for who she is; and second, I am losing my close relationship with my family, which I value the most. She gets upset and feels that "I haven't left the nest." Well, that just makes me feel like I am not good enough for her, like I am not mature enough. She has been giving me room to work on, and in fact, over the past several months, to her credit, I have felt more independent and confident over such a situation. So we try and work at everything. Which brings me to my next point.

 

All I do is WORK AT SOMETHING. We aren't living in the NOW. I have tried with her to go on dates, to go to shows, to work on creative projects, things of that sort, but while we are doing the things that are supposed to make us feel better, she constantly talks to me about how shes nervous that I won't be able to take care of myself (she reasuures me this when I don't clean something as perfectly as she wants it), talks to me about baby names and how we are going to live abroad. I don't feel like a happy boyfriend, I feel like someone that's there for her, as a crutch, to provide her with these things that she wants….but I want them too!!! I also want to be happy now. And in my opinion, if this has not changed in two years, it never will. I am so upset at the possibility of ruining someones dreams, I know this would hurt me for a while, but I also need to realize that despite the fact she tells me all of these wonderful things: how great I am, how happy she is for all the things I do for her….the few things that are the MOST important to me, for a long term relationship are not working in my mind. I want to approach this in a mature way, I know I need to talk to her…but everytime this comes up, she cries and runs into the bedroom and shuts the door behind her.

 

I am so emotionally drained, I feel physical symptoms too. I have lost weight, I don't eat well. I talk to her a lot about everything. She says she is sorry for her nagging. I feel I am not entirely myself in this relationship either, I am much more my happy goofy self around my friends, and she always shuts me down, and tells me to stop or just doesn't laugh at my humor at all. I just want to go about this the most mature way. Thank you for reading, I appreciate all help!! Take care.

[sweetheart4ever]

I really believe that this whole thing has to do with her self, i think hhe is a selfish person, and emotinaly messd up herself, i dont think she likes your mom for the plain n simple reason she doesnt like hers. i think she is jealous that you can have this wonderful relationship with your parents and hers and she cant and wont do either.. i think she hates it that you point the bad thing about her out to her. i think she wants to look away n at the same time, i think she just wants you off her back, and i allso think that she wants to bring it up so it looks like she cares but at the same time she wants to forget about it...i think you need to sit her down n let her know everything. n dont let her speak or move till its done she needs to know things. she needs to figure out things. **GOOD LUCK** Keep us posted!!

[DN]

You can't solve problems with someone who won't talk about it. So tell her that, and insist that you both need to talk rationally and calmly.

 

When you do, do it in a way that is free from blame as much as possible. Don't say "you disrespect my Mom' because that casts her as a bad person. Instead say "When you do make the effort to get along with my Mom, it makes me so happy because I feel that you are trying to do that for me".

 

But I also sense from your post that there be more to this than you have posted. So before you talk with her you need to decide what you want - and that may be to get out of the relationship. Perhaps all this other stuff is a smoke-screen so you don't have to deal with the fact that you don't love her enough to want a permanent relationship with her, even if she were able to change.

 

If there is any truth to that, then you need to face it and deal with it.

[heloladies21]

Well friend, you need to do what you want to do and what's right for you. Think of yourself first because this is your life and you're not here to live for someone else, especially if you're not happy.

[sweetheart4ever]

True, be you, do good for you..dont let her take over your life, n dont live hers..but yall really need to talk..thats major fact there