8 mos of NC, have a question for you all???

[twinklestarr]

I have been reading everyone's post about NC, and here is something I want you guys to think about and help me out with:

 

I dated this guy about one year ago. It didn't work out, and it was very emotionally draining for both of us. I don't know how the feelings got so intense, but they did, on my part, and it has taken me all this time to get over it. Well we never consumated the relationship, just a few intimate dates. The relationship ended badly, and when it was over, I moved away, not leaving any forwarding numbers. Since I moved, I still think about him. He doesn't have a way to contact me, only thru a mutual friend, who I work with. The mutual friend and I are not close, and we never discuss or talk about him, or anything else. I just work with her. Since it has been 8 mos of NC, and he can't get ahold of me, do you think it is wrong for me to call him? I believe, that since the relationship didn't include sex, I might be ok calling him, because the level of intimacy between us was minimal. We did both say the I Love You, sometime in the relationship, without sex being in the picture. I realized that, he didn't fit me emotionally, and we were not good for each other. The dynamics of the relationship go beyond what I am saying now, but I had a lot of time to think about things and all the mistakes I made. I still care for him, and I wonder how his life is. I know he has probably moved on, and I haven't with someone else, only because I'm still working on me, which is a good thing. The relationship made me open up some old wounds, I thought I dealt with, before meeting him. Now, back to my ?. Is it ok now to call him, or should I just continue pushing thru? Or, do you think, if he wanted to talk to me, he would of tried to contact me, even though he can't get ahold of me? We do have a mutual friend, but I'm not friends with her? What do you guys think?

[DN]

I think that before you try to contact him you should make sure you know why you want to.

 

What do you want from him? Catch up old times, get him back - or what?

[twinklestarr]

I still care about him, but in a different way. He's not what I want in a relationship. We don't fit together in that area, and I'm not sure if we can really be the friends thing, but it has been a long time, and I just want to see how his life is because he has changed mine more than he knows. Only I know that, and he doesn't need to know that, but I now know, why he came into my life, and the reason why I met him. That's only for me to know. I really want to say hello to him, and hope there are no bad feelings between us, because of the way it ended. What do you think?

[cookies]

When relationships end, we always have a difficult tyme letting go, especially if we felt deeply connected and our emotions got involved. The hardest thing in letting go, and moving on is when you sit and think and RE think abt all the wonderful tymes u had 2gether, and somehow feelings start to resurface when ur lonely especially.

 

Bad relationships usually dont get any better once we make a 2nd, 3rd or 10th attempt to rekindle the love. Its good for a short period of tyme, and then the cycle repeats itself. And thats really miserable, and surely you don;t want that? I know it sounds harsh, but its probably better if you just keep focusing on yourself and making an attempt at moving forward in a positive direction in your life.

 

Find things to do to keep urself occupied so that you won;t always have him on ur mind. Work out, get a new hair style... make urself feel pretty and refreshed by meeting ppl that can help fill that void of lonliness, and before u know it,...he may become a good memory of the past... but all in all,...never settle for less than what you know you deserve when it comes to the opposite sex. same goes for guys too..

 

peace,

cookie

[DN]

I would advise against. If it is only curiosity then you may awaken dormant feelings best left alone - in you or in him.

 

Let this sleeping dog continue to snooze in peace.

[lady00]

Yeah, if you're doing well right now with 8 months of NC, it's probably not worth the risk of reawakening any feelings.

[twinklestarr]

Thank you, and I will follow the advice. Continue working on myself, and just let it go.

[Demond34]

I'm going to say contact him. You say you don't want to get back together with him (i'm sure hes moved on by now) but you also say you know why he came into your life. But things ended badly and you just picked up and moved away.

 

Because things ended badly, it seems like you're holding onto something. Maybe contacting him and releasing what you're holding onto might help you to move on. Is it fair to him, probably not, but then again isn't this forum all about us?

[DN]

Is it fair to him, probably not, but then again isn't this forum all about us?

 

It could be that the forum is also about doing the right thing for us and for other people. They are not necessarily mutually exclusive. But there is also the matter of conscience and doing the right thing for the right reasons, which are not always selfish in nature.

[twinklestarr]

I agree with you DN, and these forums are really to help people. I truly believe that these forums and the internet have been remarkable tools for people. It's like getting free therapy with people who have gone thru the same trials and tribulations. I thank each and everyone of you, who have replied to my posting. It's my decision, and I will make the right choice for me, but I would be silly if I said I didn;t need help. I've got the help, and I just have to continue pushing thru this. 8 mos of NC is something good, and thinking about it, has made me think, how hard it has been to do that. But I did, and I should be proud of myself for doing it. I know the urge to call him will soon pass, I just need to continue and focus on me. It's all about ME, RIGHT?

[Demond34]

I'm not trying to be harsh or negative or any of that. It was actually sort of a joke. But 99% of the people that come on here to post for help (including me, are doing it for themselves, not for someone else(initially). Like she said, free therapy. People offer great advice and help alot of people.

 

I'm not saying calling him is a selfish move, but in turn, could set her free and possibly him. He could be thinking of her right now, maybe he's got questions and wants to say a few things, see what shes up too, but doesn't want to contact her (well she said he has no way to contact her) b/c of the way things ended.

 

Its a risk to call up and the possibility of old feelings creeping in, or the opposite can happen in which she's able to move on without any doubts or curiosity lingering. No two people are wired the same and I don't think there is a right answer for what she should do. Its a matter of opinion. She knows what shes going to do and thats great. I'm just trying to be objective about the situation and give her another point of view.