Either way I am a jerk

[bbgriff44]

So I have been dating a girl for 2 and a half years. We met right before I went abroad for a year and we decided to stick it out. It was tough, b/c I met a girl that became obsessed with me and tried everything she could to get me to date her. She even sent my g/f letters saying that I was cheating on her. Anyway, I came home and moved to my g/fs home town for the summer and explained everything, but, understandably, there is a lack of trust.

 

It has now been a year and a half since I returned. I graduated and she is still in College. I moved to NYC, a city that I love, and she came for the summer. SO now she is going back and she wants me to go with her. I don't want to go at all! I have spent 4 years in that town and I am tired of it. She then tells me that I must not love her or I would sacrifice for her. SHe also says that she wont be able to trust me if I dont live in her college town.

 

The sad thing is that I think she is right. I don't know if I do love her anymore. I want to break up with her, but I don 't know how. I feel as if I OWE it to her to keep trying. But, every day I feel more and more distance. We used to make love twice a day and now its hardly once every other day. I also don't want to drag this out any longer. I feel as if I am the only one wrong here, which is probably the case. But I need to face the fact that I am not happy. I don't like looking at other girls, but I find yself doing it all the time.

 

Can anyone give me some ideas??

[BellaDonna]

Can anyone give me some ideas??

 

Be honest with her. Don't string her along. The longer you draw this out- the more it's going to hurt her in the end. Sure, she'll be very hurt from the breakup- but she will heal and then she can find someone who will give her the love she craves. I think you owe it to her to be honest. If you're not in love with her- don't give her false hopes.

 

 

BellaDonna

[Day_Walker]

First of all she has trust issues with the relationship, it doesnt look like that is going to get better. You said that you feel that you owe it to her to try and work things out, well I dont think so what you do owe something to is yourself. You need to decide what you want to do. If you dont want to move back to that town and stay in NYC then thats what you should do. If you are doubting your feelings now then how do you think you are going to feel being back in that town that you hate? I dont believe that you are a jerk for breaking up with a person. Just dont feel like you owe it to her to give her what she wants because you also need to keep your own feelings in your mind.

[RayKay]

She has trust issues, obviously if she says she can't trust you unless you live with her in same town, and that is something that won't resolve itself either by you moving there in my opinion. If someone wants to stray, they will, regardless of where they live. I mean, there are married people cheating, whom live WITH their spouses and children or what have you in the same house. Sure I can see why she might have a problem, due to that other girl writing her letters, but if she does not trust you, it is destructive to the relationship, and something she needs to work on, assuming you have done all you can to be trustworthy in the first place. If you do not trust someone, you should not be with them anyway.

 

Love is not about "sacrifice". That is the Romeo & Juliet view of it. Sure there are compromises that must be made, but decisions are made with mutual consideration and input, and respect for the other person. You have I assume created a life in NY, a new job, new friends, you are done college. If you do not want to move back, then don't. It is unfair of her to also force you to do something you do not want to and manipulate you by appealing to "you thereforeeee not loving her" (very immature in my opinion). Does that seem loving to you?

 

Anyway, if you want to break up with her and do not believe you love her anymore, then it is time to move on, and let her move on. Of course it will hurt her, it will probably be painful for you too, but you do not "owe it to her" to keep trying. Relationships do require maintenance and effort, but they should not require "force" to make them work. I can say from experience once you have reached the point where you feel like it is dragging along and you are wanting to get out, and not happy. there is no point of return. You need to sit down with her, and talk and break it off. Yes she will be upset, say some mean things even maybe going by her attitude towards you wanting to stay in NY, but remain calm and don't lead her on with promises of friendship, and so on. If you are destined to be friends you will be, but you won't be able to right now. Be firm, and clear in your decision, and the why. She may want to convince you to work things out, but if you really feel you do not have desire to, don't promise you will try. It will only drag things out and make them worse.

 

Good luck.

[bbgriff44]

You are all saying exactly what I am thinking. I really appreciate the responses. It is just really hard because every time I think about doing it I get sick. The thought of how she will react. Like I play it off as if nothing is wrong. Don't I have too? I mean she says "I love you" and I have to respond that way. Anyways, I'm rambling. Thanks again. If anyone else has anything else I am all ears.

 

CC

[Beec]

Sounds to me like you might let her know that if she holds too tightly to you, she will lose you. But if she lets you have some freedom, then she may get to keep you. She needs to learn to trust you. Nothing about living in NYC is final for all your life. Although, I am with you. I love it here.