Please don't judge...just want some sound advice....

[stinky]

I can't do this anymore. I am currently a married 30 year old with a 9 year old daughter. I don't even know where to begin but by saying I have never been a good wife. I have a male friend and we both have long considered ourselves "best friends", over 12 years now. It started as a brief high school relationship, but has long continued. Like myself, he is now married and has children. Over the years it has always been on and off with both the physical affair and our friendship. It always ends with both of us saying "it's over" and again at some point it starts again; usually with one of us or both of us realizing we miss our best friend. We agree to just be friends, with both us knowing that it won't work. We can't just "be friends". It would be so much easier if we could.

 

With the above said, you can see why I never have been a good wife...or mom. I had my daughter young and married the father shortly after. I always have felt that I rushed into marriage. About 6 months prior to be becoming pregnant, my friend and I had stopped talking. I never doubted that I loved my husband when I got married, I just always had my "friend" in the back of my mind. About a year after being married, I called my friend. I already felt that I had made a mistake. We began talking, although he was engaged. He was married a year later, I felt lost and alone. I asked him why he did it, he didn't know. All he could say was that I had left him behind by getting married and having a child.

 

Fast forward through 8 long years. What started the day I called him has never really stopped. I have always seen my marriage as a mistake and him as my savior. I have been through very rocky times in my marriage, and I have rode out very rocky times in his marriage. I have been told he will leave, I have told him I will leave. I know things about him his wife doesn't know, he knows many things about me my husband doesn't know. Why this continues in limbo, I don't know....other than that it always comes back to the fact that there are 3 children involved.

 

I say I see my marriage as a mistake, but everybody else in my life see's my husband as the perfect husband. I know he has doubts about the extent of my relationship with my "friend", but he has always been there. He is the most wonderful father any child could ask for. He is an attentive and loving husband. I ask myself everday why it is that I don't love him. I don't know. I don't know if I would if I truly had my "friend" out of my life for good. I try to believe that that could happen for the sake of my daughter, but I'm not sure.

 

Back in Feb., my friend and I were in a huge argument and I truly believed and even a while before that, that it had long been over between us. I thought we were both just hanging on to each other for the fear of not knowing what it's like not to be in each other's life. We didn't speak for 4 months until he came to tell me good-bye one day. He bought a house 700 miles away from me. I have never felt so devasted in my life. For the months prior to that, I thought I didn't care what happened. Maybe because I knew there was still that slim chance for a happy ending. Since that day, my life has been a virtual blur. I have disconnected from everyone and everything, including my family. I cannot function.

 

When he came to tell me that day, I held my ground, told him that was the best thing and said goodbye...so he had no clue how I felt. 2 weeks ago he called me. He told me he made the biggest mistake of his life and he loved me and missed me. I avoided him for exactly 2 days, the day he showed up back in town to tie up some loose ends. For the past 2 weeks he has been in town and out of town. I have seen him 3 times and he pretends nothing has changed until he needs to say good-bye and we both realize it's for real. He still insists to me that things will eventually work out. What a lie.

 

I have come to realize that I'm caught in a world I cannot remove myself from. I have realized I'm the one who's world has been flipped upside down, not his. I have realized his game, how he manipulates me. I have realized how much he must truly love her to move away with her. The problem is I have realized this time and time again. But I always go back and he always comes back. It is never ending, a vicious cycle. There is always that thought in the back of my head that he really does love me. No matter what he does or doesn't do and no matter what my friends believe about him I always go back to that thought.

 

Currently he is back at home and I have decided I cannot speak with him. For the past 3 days I have done nothing but cry everytime I think about it. My day is consumed with thoughts of him. I know it's over and it needs to be over, but will it last?

 

I want to be a good wife and mother. I want to make a change. I just don't know if I'm capable of any at this point, especially getting over him when he seems to posess this power over me.

[swift44]

im not gonna judge you beause to me you truly dont seem to be a bad person, you cant choose who you love, and i think that your heart goes to your friend and i think your husband deserves to know, how you feel, im not saying divorce im just saying tell him, he sounds liek a good man and he deserves to know maybe after its all out in the open you can find a proper solution, hiding it will only hurt you, i know you want to be a good wife and mother im sure you are but you are killing yourself by letting yourself go through this, i hope i can help out im srry i couldnt do more good luck and i will keep you in my prayers

[Shadows Light]

Stinky... got yourself all tied up in a spiders net now haven't you... OUCH!

 

 

 

I'm not going to judge you... it is what it is. You are your own judge. Now what makes you such a bad mom??? Do you love and care for your daughter? Are you there with the hugs and kisses when she needs them? Do you give her the most precious gift of all a child needs...your TIME. Then how can you say your a bad mother. Get that out of your head.

 

A bad wife... well, I wouldn't call you a bad wife either. Heck, let those of us who haven't sinned in some way, shape or form cast the first stone.

 

I'd call you a very very confused woman... whose gotten caught up in her own bed of lies. Someone who has lied to themselves more than anyone else.

 

Pick up the phone.... and get your butt in to see a counselor. Lets dry those tears. Apathy and crying ARE not going to make it all better....you gotta get up and keep on moving. THE real problem is... you don't know in which direction. Soooo call someone and go see them. They can help you start to sort out your feelings and what you should do.

 

Now.... Mr. I've got my cake and I'm gonna eat it too. LOL. Well.... can you try... please try to get some back-bone and put up a NC rule. Don't call. Don't talk. Don't email. Don't send homing pigeons or smoke signals.

 

If he loved you... he'd have come to get you. If he loved you... he might have been the stronger one and busted a move. The fact that neither one of you did...and let it go on for so long tells me that "HE" has become a habit. And he is an "Addiction"......AND you for him.

 

Let me ask you this.... he said he regrets moving 700 miles away...and it was the biggest mistake of his life.... and at the end he say's its all going to work out..... OKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK....... HOW???? WHAT IS HE PROPOSING TO DO?????????????????? He's not. He's leaving it up to whatever fate... or he's just putting the ball back in your court... an allowing you to catch HEAT first.

 

You are absolutely right that your husband doesn't need this. And you are right... he deserves to be LOVED and cared for and appreciatd for who and what he is....and YOU are doing him a HUGE dis-service if you can't. Its unfair to the both of you. You are being unfair to yourself. And you are being unfair to him.

 

And something has got to give.... you are making yourself miserable over this. Soooooooo.... my best advice for you right now is.... NC with the LOVER... and YOU get yourself together and do something for yourself and go to counseling.

 

Dr. Phil has a good book... Relationship Rescue. It comes with a work-book that you can buy.... go and get a copy at the library and see if it has anything to help you. It will at least help you begin to SORT out this tangled web into some semblence of something that you can handle.

 

Dry your eyes...and get busy. Go for walks. Rent some comedies to laugh. And keep moving. But do call that counselor.

 

Its ok... you are a good person. Don't kick yourself so much... it WILL be ok. ONLY LOOK out for YOU..and what is good for you... let the LOVER deal with his own stuff. And do you really want a man who won't fight for you??????? naaaaaa he's not all that honey.

[melrich]

I think you really have to separate the two issues, your marriage and your feelings for this other guy. If you keep trying to resolve the issues as a package you will continue to go around in circles.

 

Address your marriage first. Whatever you may feel emotionally, it is the bigger issue as it has emotional, financila, social and family issues attached. Do you love your husband? Can it work? What would happen if you left it? How will/should things be for your daughter? etc etc.

 

Once you have thought about this issue in isolation, decided what you need to do and implemented some actions you can then start to address the other issue. And of course your decisions re. your marriage will determine to a large extent what you do with the other guy.

 

conselling would assist you.

[Beec]

Frankly, it seems to me as if you never have given your marraige a real chance. You are not really acting like you are in love with or love your husband.

 

I would not tell him, but I would make up your mind, give it a real chance or get out.

 

And I think you have always thought you could have your cake and eat it oo, or tha tthe grass was greener on the other side of the fence. Life does not work that way. Fertilize your grass, and it will be green.

[stinky]

Thank you all for your words of advice and encouragement. I am seeking out some type of counseling as I know I can't go on living like this much longer. Last night on my way home from work I had what felt like a total meltdown. I have never felt that way in my life, not even when dealing with a death. I would say it was my lowest point ever. I couldn't stop crying, hysterically crying. I had to pull over. I have been through this with him before. I hate that I let myself back into his life so that he can make me feel this way time and time again.

 

Before he came to tell me good-bye, I know I could have survived it....and I would have been okay. There was no tears over him, nothing. I think I was too angry. A friend asked me "what happens when you're not angry anymore?" I didn't know, I just hoped I could stay that angry with him. When he said good-bye and told me he had moved, I felt like I just hit a brick wall head on. He had changed everything. In my screwed up eyes, it now seemed like he had the upper hand again....that it was now him who wanted to end it, not me. I think I can only be okay with this when a) I'm extremely angry with him, b) I know it's want I wanted, and c)he's upset about it more than me. I know it's my screwed up thinking and I know it sounds dumb. But like I said, I didn't let him know it the move upset me. Then he made that call, and again he said he missed me. I know I should have left it alone at that point, but I didn't. I love him too much to know he's miserable and I'm not doing everthing in my power to help him. You are all right though, he woudn't do the same for me. If he loved me like I love him, he would.

 

I say all that to say this. I sometimes wonder if he knows when I'm at my lowest, that maybe he has this sick sense to call. I made it home okay last night, although like I said, I had to pull over a few times. As I was getting out of the car, I had a text message. Guess who? "I'm sorry -we need to talk" Does he just know?? He called and left me a voicemail this morning wondering if I'm okay, but again telling me how much he misses me and needs to talk to me.

 

I want to tell him to stop calling, stop writing, stop all of it. I want to change my number. I want to call him today and tell him to just say good-bye for good. I want to tell him to change his phone # so I can't even have that as an option when I feel the need. I want to stop it all because I know how miserable it is making me. But then I stop and wonder.....will I be more miserable knowing I just can't call him and make it better, knowing he can't call me when he needs me, knowing I can't call my best friend when something important happens. The fear of not having it hurts more than anything else.

[swift44]

well ir eally hope and wish that you can get through all this somehow, i just hope wahtever you choose to do works our for the ebst, im sorry you have to go through this just know that we here at enotalone are here to help, and feel free to pm me or im me on aim if you need to good luck and i wish you the best

[westwind61]

There are some similar patterns in your relationship as to what happened to me, except I am the man in my situation. I see yet another layer of selfishness on my part, the "having your cake and eating it too" part of it.

 

It underscores the absolute insanity of extra marital affairs and the emotional train wreck in your life. Cut it off honestly and completely with this guy. It's going to hurt big time but ultimately I think it will be something that you can look back on and say "yes, I started acting with integrity at that point." Get professional counseling too.

[stinky]

Westwind61 - thank you for your words of advice. I have read some of your other posts and found them to be helpful especially the questions to ask yourself. I wonder everyday if my marriage is really as bad as I see it. Do I only see it that way because of the situation I have made. I don't know. Affairs are in artificial circumstances - you can't be more right.

 

My question to you - you say you were very emotionally involved with your lover. How did you get over that? Do you now look back and wonder if it was ever true love or do you still believe it was? I'm trying to grasp the idea of how I will get over him. I wonder how others in my situtation have done it. Do you ever really move on from it?

 

Thanks for listening....

[westwind61]

Stinky (I laugh just typing that!)

 

A small voice inside me tells me it would not have lasted. The rational thoughts that I have placed faith in as being the right ones are the ones I typed out in that post about tough questions. But they are so very hard to hear and to take comfort in because my heart still aches for her like, well, like someone like you can understand because you are going through the same thing. We are solidly into the third week of no contact (except for her delivery of all of my "love memorabilia--notes, gifts etc., which set me back) and it still is only slightly better. And in some half hour increments where I am thinking about her, it's not ANY better. I have to stay distracted big time in order not to hurt. Hardest thing I have ever done. I am tired of the selfishness of it, dwelling only on my ache and am trying to give and give to my wife, who has been so understanding. She has been a true saint.

 

So to answer your question, I am still struggling. It's going to take time. My counselor said up to six months after a true, clean no contact break.

 

And, I know the other key to it is to transition out of such a self centered way of thinking and try and start giving more to others. That's part of how my "ship got caught in the rocks," I think. Too much self absorption. That's what I am working on.

[stinky]

"Stinky" - I know, it's funny....it's a nickname from a friend. It's all because of a perfume which he told me smelled like mosquito spray - which it did not.....

 

I guess I took the first real step today - I called a therapist and have an appointment for tomorrow already. Thank goodness because this weekend was really hard.

 

I'm still trying to start the NC rule. On Tuesday night I left for a trip with a friend of mine for 2 days. It was nice to get away and try to enjoy life again. I tried and failed. On Wednesday I text messaged him and told him he finally got what he's been trying to attempt to do.....me, completely screwed up. (It's strange, sometimes I really do believe he gets a kick out of upsetting me.) He called twice, I didn't answer. He then texted me saying that is not what he wanted to do....he just wants us to be happy and be together when we can. i.e - be at his call when he is in town. When he said that, it just made everything hurt more.

 

I wrote back later asking him how he could be so selfish and if he has any idea as to what I have been through for a week? Thursday it was back and forth again. I told him I would be able to talk that night. I got a nasty message from him a half hour after I said I could talk saying "whatever, I was out". At that point something just snapped and I became this person I don't know. I called him and left 2 messages, explaining how I didn't know if I even wanted to live anymore and how he is lucky that I have true friends who I relied on at the beginning of the week, otherwise he might know how it felt to really not have me around.

 

I didn't hear back from him until the next day. Again, I initiated contact. I texted him to ask him how it feels to live in his small little world of himself. He called me at work later and I just had another breakdown. Although I have never felt this low, and last Monday on my way home I did have the thought to just keep driving off the edge of the bridge, I know that I couldn't hurt myself for the sake of my daughter....but for some sick reason I want him to believe I would. When he called, he said he had time and we would have a serious conversation. I told him I needed him to say good-bye and to change his #, he said he wouldn't. I said I would change mine. Within a few minutes into the conversation, I was crying again. He said he was probably coming into town this weekend and really wanted to see me - no strings, he just wanted to see me. I told him no. I asked him how he can call himself my best friend, when he doesn't even worry about me. He insists he does, yeah right. Within a few minutes, he had to go back to work. He has a job where he could make the time, he just didn't want to. I was so angry I just said "you WILL miss me when I'm gone". What was I thinking??? That's not me.......

 

I didn't get a call until 4 hours later. If that doesn't say volumes. I let him leave a message. He just said, "don't talk stupid" about 5 times. "I would miss you if you were gone because I love you and miss you now." Oh yeah, and "you're not going to change your number - you're just not - I won't let you." He ended my saying he would call me later that night.

 

I never rec'd another call - all weekend. I know what you are all going to say - I make myself miserable my initiating it all....and I know I do. I shouldn't have even talked to him - now I'm more miserable. How does he live with himself? How is he going about his everyday business not even knowing if I'm alive. How can anybody be that cold? I know how stupid this all sounds, I hear it when I'm reading this to myself. What more of an indicator do I need that he never really loved me? I know........but I still miss it.....all of it.

 

Maybe now I'm more upset with that fact that I gave so much of my life to him...for what?? I'm just so screwed up. I don't even hate him, I would still talk to him if he called. I just have so many unaswered questions. I want to ask him how he could just turn it off like that? The sad part, I know I'm not going to get the answer I'm looking for...I'm only going to be more upset. Again, my endless cycle continues. Whomever said this was an addiction is right. Why do I continue when I know it's bad for me?

[Beec]

It is an addiction.

 

It works like this: he is nice to you and makes you feel great; then he withdraws that stuff and he makes you feel down; he lets you stay down for a while (usually increasing over time the length of the down periods); and then comes back and lifts your feeligns again. It creates an emotional high whenyou are up, and he cycles that down.

 

Ever see a man date a woman who is just mean to him, short, demanding, etc. You know the word, beeech. And he walks on eggshells trying and trying to keep her happy, but nothing really works, and then she is nice and sweet and loving and he has a smile a mile wide. It works the same way.

 

With women, the men who use this kind of scenario are often abusers. Bring her up, take her down, up and down and up and down. And if you can make the ups and downs bigger and bigger it is even more addictive.

 

You need to get yourself off the junk.