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my story of grief and selfishness (long)

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I've never written in this part of "notalone" I'm not sure how to start this either... But i'll try. by telling my story since i cant put my emotions into words


My Nana (grandmoter) died four years ago from cancer. She was the best person I've ever known I really miss her. I feel so horrible, also. I was 13 when I babysitting my new born cousin when my mom's friend got a phone call of my nana having cancer she cried on the phone without me knowing I was watching... I couldnt feel anything i was emotionless. I pretended nothing was wrong till everyone came home from the hospital. Goin in and out of my nana's room. till it was my turn to speak with her. Still i was emotionless. I was numb i suppose you can say.


My mother and Nana told me she was going to die from cancer in her leg which was in her muscle. My Nana promised me she would take me to disneyland for the last time. I didnt understand, I didnt understand why she was dying when she had the choice or living... Living off pills, the doctors said she could live, but they would have to take her leg to permittanly get rid of the cancer. I didnt know or understand why she choose death. My Nana and I were like best friends we understood one another more then anyone. She always made me smile on my bad days as did I for her, and here she was deciding death as a oppion leaving everyone including me alone...


I became selfish and in denal of what was going on. I did the usal things i always did with her, but without her. Playing video games, on the computer playing sims. while my nana was outside water in her eyes.. I wanted to talk to her i wanted to be with her but I didnt know how... I was onlly 13 no one I ever knew died or was even this close to me. She walked with a cane for a few days and she needed help going in and out she was stuck from behide a chair i watched her thinking "she knows how to move the chair she can't be weak shes going to pull through this.." I got off my playstaion and helped her. Feeling angry at her. I don't know why...


She got worse within the days... her speach was slurring people and nurses were coming in and out of the house. I was still on the computer. Playing my sims. I Always tried keeping my sims alive and happy since my world, people were dying and crying all around me. I hated it...

I hated it so much i began to leave the house going to my friends house...Who were from the wrong side of the tracks who i wouldnt really hang out with for many reasons. NOw i didnt care.. I hated my life, and what was happening. I hateed it so much that I did drugs and went out with a guy that was in a gang. I wanted to feel like I had control of my life or atleast make my own world up by taking as much drugs as i could get my hands off. I wanted the numbness to go away... I wanted to be happy and laugh... Everynight i come back to my Nana's house. Family memebers everywhere crying and praying around me... My mother told me she could leave us any day even tomorrow.


I couldn't stand what people were doing and saying...My life was going upside down and twisting the blood out of me. I said to my Nana goodnite crying....

I ran into my room and found a pocket knife and slit my wrist not deep but enough for me too bleed my pain went away. The next day again I kissed my nana goodbye for the last time then went to my friends house.... I guess I was running away from My Nana and my problems, my feelings my heart ache. I never was good with feelings... Never will be either.


The next morning she was gone. My mother picked me up telling me, "NAna, wanted to know where her favoirte granddaughter was" I was numb once again.


I felt so horrible, I was being selfish and ran away from my problems and my best friend who was on her death bed thinking only of myself

I wanted to kill myself right there and than, and believe me I still do when poeple bring up how much my nana loved me.

Not a day goes by where I dont want to ripe my wrists apart just watch the blood run down knowing i'll finally be where my nana is, so I can tell her i'm sorry for being so selish and that I love her.


I guess this little post, well long now. Its just telling my story, and how depressed I am.Nowdays I'm having a hard time dealing with her death now...I'm going into my senior year, boy troubles, etc. Everything my nana wanted to be here for to talk to me about... I just want to be with her I don't want to live anymore.


Including when i see kids my age, treating their grandparents horrible or never talk to them taking them for granted... It's not fair how I lose my best friend, my nana. When there are those kids out there who don't give a rat A#% what happens to thier grandparents its just not fair... I would give anything to trade them places having my Nana by my side once again. I hate them, I hate me and I hate the fact that i'm here telling everyone on "notalone" this story I just want to die.

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Time to forgive yourself - you were 13 and overwhelmed that someone you loved so much was going to die.


It was not your fault.


It was not your fault that your Nana got cancer, it was not your fault that she died and, most importantly, it was not your fault that you reacted as you did. You just didn't have the tools at that young age to cope with such a heartbreaking event - especially when you could not understand her choices.


So now you have to forgive her as well - for leaving you. I don't know why she made that choice but whatever the reason was it made sense to her.


Just know that your Nana loved you, and so long as you remember her, especially with love and affection, then she will still live in some way. While we are remembered we are never truly gone.


Honour her memory by living your life to the fullest, by being happy instead of sad - because that is what she would have wanted for you. She would not have blamed you or hated you - she would have continued to love you and want what is best for you. And being so sad, and so guilty, is not what is best for you.

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