How to approach the situation

[phishgirl]

My bf of 4 years and I broke up 1 month ago-my call, originally. We''ve talked to each other since, and on Wed., talked seriously and ended up hanging out later that night and making love, with me staying overnight with him. He was afraid this would mess up his/my healing process, but we both expressed our true love for each other that night. I now realize it was a mistake and want to get back together, but he's the hesitant one, though I'm the one that initiated the breakup. How should I approach him from now on to rekindle our relationship, as he is so hesitant to get hurt again and wanting to protect himself? Should I call him (he said it's OK), or leave him some space? He's dealing with a lot of other issues in his life right now (job loss, friend's father died recently, along with step-grandmother, brother breaking up with his gf of 8 years). I don't want to call incessantly or anything to provide support, as he's become "dependent" on himself since losing me. What can I do?

[DN]

Did you talk about what caused the break-up and how to solve that issue?

 

Di you tell him that rather than break up in the future you would talk about whatever issues come up in an attempt to get them solved rationally and calmly?

 

Di you tell him that you love him enough to be able to do those things?

[phishgirl]

Yes, during our last conversation we talked about all these things. But he says he's hurt and emotionally and physically drained, and doesn't feel he can get back together just yet. He says, "It will take me a long time to heal". I said, I'm willing to wait, but not forever. He acknowleded this and simply said, "I don't know what you should do". God, should I wait or not??

[DN]

He still needs reassurance that this will not happen again - I think you should ask for a chance to show that you are sincere and mean what you say.

[phishgirl]

Thanks, DN. My concern is, if I contact him too much, he'll take my responses for granted. I don't know if I'd be contacting him too much due to his hesitancy to get back together becuause of all his other circumstances. He says that now his decisions are his "own", not "ours", and that he feels that he needs to concentrate on "himself". Any advice?

[DN]

Tell him that you understand that he needs some time and that you are willing to give him that - on the understanding that you do love him and want him back.

 

Ask him to meet with you at a specified time - say, two weeks, or a month. Make it a date with time and place, and at that time he should tell you if he wants to reconcile or not.

 

If, during that time, he wants or meet earlier for the same talk, that's ok, but otherwise he should not contact you and you will not contact him - and keep to that.

 

Be rational not emotional - but let him know that you love him.

[phishgirl]

DN, should I ultimately wait until he contacts me, since he's the one in limbo, or shoud I do something by way of contacting him??

[phishgirl]

Sorry, just re-read your post.. I''ll wait until he's ready. Thanks for your advice, DN.

[phishgirl]

My bf and I haven't talked since Wed, when I spent the night with him. I'm not surprised, I'm OK with it too, as we agreed this would not affect how he feels about me-he wants time to heal. I want to call him, but won't. It's his call, isn't it? I've been reading many posts on here with others in limbo as well. Has anyone been in a situation like this when you broke up with them and later regretted it, only to find they 'need time to heal' and focus on themselves for a while? What was the result? He is unsure when he'll be ready, and I can't wait forever for him!! Any advice about what I should do, how to talk to him, what to say? He says he 'wants to get back together' as he still loves me, but doesn't feel ready yet.

[DN]

when he is ready to talk to him - tell him you love him and only ant to be with him. Ask him how he feels and what he wants - and then listen. What he will probably want, even if he does not say so directly, is reassurance that he will not be hurt again. And the time you give him, waiting for him, may help to make him see that you are serious.

[phishgirl]

Thanks, DN. I understand the 'ball is in his court'. He says its OK to contact him, no reservations. He's a conservative, traditional Jewish guy, who sticks with his decisions. According to Jewish tradition, 'actions speak louder than words'. My chief concern is this: he wants to be back together, but has been hurt too much by me and other circumstances in his life. Should I allow him to 'heal' with NC on my part, or continue contacting him through this process? He's an emotional guy, and takes everything I say seriously.

[DN]

He said he wants time to heal. So when you do call him, tell him you gave him as much time as you could bear without talking to him again to tell him you love him. You need at least a week to make that effective and believable.

[phishgirl]

OK, I'll wait till Wednesday and see how that goes. Should he call me in between, should I play it cool and not say a word about my feelings for him, or reassure him?

[DN]

Play it cool and tell him you love him, but keep it casual.