confused about break-up

[fIIsion]

Its been 3 months now since my girlfriend of 6 years ended our relationship. She told me that she loved me as a person but was no longer in love.

At the beginning of the break up I tried talking to her, asking her why her feelings had changed, why she didn't communicate her emotional changes, basically asked if we could try and work things out.

She wasn't intrested, told me there was nothing worth fighting for.

 

She desired greatly to remain friends, which was very difficult to begin with, I in fact walked away on at least 2 occasions, saying how difficult it was for me.

 

Something kept pulling me back though and in the end decided to give her space and try friendship.

 

She asked me once If I understood why we broke up, to which I replied, I didn't, it seemed to me that she was searching for answers and looked to me to give her insight, we both agreed that her feeings had changed but it seems like she doesn't know why.

I started to think of her childhood, no father and a selfish, unloving mother, perhaps my ex did not know what love was, as I begin to look back on the relationship, I can see that she mainly put herself first.

 

About 6 weeks ago, she started to break-down a little bit on the phone, saying how sad she was about the break up, having some regrets, yet when we met up a week later, told me that she did not see us getting back together in the foreseable future. Since that time she has cancelled days that we were going to meet up, she is telling me that she is too emotional to meet me, that she is having up and down days.

 

We were going to go out on wednsday, but she cancelled to meet up with her best friend who is leaving very soon. I called her this morning to tell her that I was not upset about wednsday and that I understood that she needed to see her friend, she thanked me because she was worried that I was upset, when suggesting to meet up, she started to make excuses, I was understanding and applied no pressure, she told me that she was not ready to see me yet but would contact me soon.

 

I really don't know what to think anymore.

[bbygrl797]

i totally understand how hard a break up is. i was with my ex boyfriend for not as long as u guys but 2 years. from one day to another it seemed like his feelings changed and there was nothing i could do about it. in ur case i think u should try and be there for her. your probably right she probably is scared to love someone and have someone love her back. im sure growing up she loved her parents regardless of how they were but the thing she never got was the love back. she loves u and u love her back and she doesnt know how to deal with it. so i think u should give her time and tell her how u feel and that u will always be there for her.

[Wimpy]

Obviously everyone's situation is different. I'm 4 months into my break-up now and I guess I'm fortunate in that he is now back in his country on the other side of the world and the chances of us ever meeting up again are nil. He broke up with me and the manner in which he did it has deeply affected me - I now know that the hurt he has inflicted will perhaps never go away.

 

However, I also know one thing. About 4 weeks ago I got some mail of his at my house and it really threw me into a spin. I found out that although he'd changed addresses on most things he'd kept me as a mailing list on his credit card. I was pretty angry but decided to e-mail him about it and tell him to get it sorted. I took advantage of the opportunity to tell him that I couldn't believe how he thought he could carry on using me... Anyway I opened up the wound I had so desperately been trying to heal. He broke up with me in an email 10 days before I was due to go and see him on a trip he knew all about. I never went but eventually wrote him an e-mail telling him that he'd never know what he'd done and how terribly he'd behaved as words would never express it. He'd never responded to that and I'd wondered if he'd ever had it. The contact 4 weeks ago sorted that because bizarrely he responded and took the chance to write a completely self-justifying e-mail for all he'd done.

 

MY POINT IN ALL THIS.......I realised at that point that getting back in touch with him (even though legitimately) had set me back in my recovery. The only way I am going to get over him and move on in my own mind/life etc is to continue NC. I have had no further contact with him and managed, when he came back to the UK 2 weeks ago to attend his graduation ceremony to have NOTHING TO DO WITH HIM (and he came nowhere near either) and that was the last time I will have any idea of what he is going to be doing at a certain point.

 

So, that's a rather long-winded way of saying that my personal opinion is that the best thing you can do for yourself at the moment is stop having contact with your ex and give yourself time to grieve. All the time you spend with her as "friends" will a) be making her feel better about the break-up as she can ease her conscience with the fact you are still friends and b) it will be messing with your head and not allowing you time to come to terms with the fact that the relationship is OVER. You need to do what's best for you and my own little story has shown me that keeping in touch with an ex means that you keep emotionally involved and hopeful that "just maybe" things will work out.

 

Hard though it will be try and pull away and give yourself time to come to terms with all that's happened.

 

As I said at the beginning this is just my opinion - ignore it if it doesn't sound right for you but I hope it all works out.

[sorryJason]

I know personally, growing up with a messed up childhood can wreak havoc on relationships, If you really love her, just give her some space and time. Just show her how much you love her, and make her understand you will always be there for her. I am sure she will come back to you again, after she have dealt with somethings.

 

Maybe you should tell her to get some conselling, be very careful with this most people get very angry when told they need conselling, but I think your girlfriend may be one of them.

 

If you 2 do get back together, maybe go with her to conselling and help her through her past problems, I am sure it would bring you both closer to each other, maybe you might have some problems you could use conselling for too. Don't give up on love, it is really the most powerful thing in this world.