Speechless......

[dimp62003]

My b/f and I have been going out for a lil over 2 years now, and we want to be together for the rest of our lives. Well one very important thing to me is knowing what my b/f has done in the past, and in the case of me wanting to spend the rest of my life with him. Well he never and still doesn't see why I have to know what all he has done with other girls and who the girls are. But in my eyes knowing this is a big part in a relationship. Maybe I'm wrong, I don't know....Am I?

But anyway tonight I was just thinking about things and something made me start asking him questions about the past and who he's been with. Well he told me that this one girl they never did anything that it was all just teasing and this other girl all they ever did was she gave him head. Well I was just making sure that he didn't do anything else with either of them and that he has only been with 2 girls. Well we get to talking and he has had sex with the other 2 girls (that he never did anything with) and also had a 3some with them. And I'm just, I don't know heartbroken cuz I Have told him EVERYTHING, everything from who I just messed around with or who i had teases with who i had sex with and who raped me and it is just really upsetting me b/c he has always told me the truth about everything and i just dont know what to do or say to him i'm just really down and i need some advise so please please help me cuz i feel so weird around him or when i talk to him on the phone please help me

[Cydeways]

why does it matter? its not like hes off doing it while hes with you, be grateful that he loves you and isnt cheating on you.

[aireyc]

Up until the point where you mentioned the things you did I had sympathy for you. However, knowing that you've done the same yourself, I really wouldn't worry here. You may think you're meant for each other, however he clearly isn't ready for that emotionally. He may still not be 100% comfortable around you, so knowing at all is a plus. As Cydeways said be happy he loves you now. Unless he's done something to take advantage of you or if he's done anything during your relationship, I wouldn't take it to heart too much.

[DN]

Unless you know that he has been cheating on you fairly recently and you were in danger of an STD, you have no good reason to know what he did sexually with other girls before he met you two years ago. Frankly, it is none of your business and you do not have a right to ask.

 

If this is affecting you to the point that it is going to break up the relationship then you had better break it up now and let him find someone who loves him for who he is now - not what he did before he met her.,

 

If you think you want a virgin, or someone who has had no sexual activity whatsoever you had better be clear about that with a subsequent boyfriend. Of course, if you find one, it is possible he may want a girlfriend with no sexual history, so your choices may be very limited.

 

I think you would do better to realise that if your boyfriend loves you and does not cheat, and that you love him, you would be better to get over these concerns and concentrate on making the relationship strong. If you keep asking him about this he may think he should break up with you.

[Cecelius]

I think you have a "right" to know in the sense that you don't have to date anyone who doesn't measure up.

 

But at some point this becomes gross, graphic and pointless detail.

[RayKay]

I agree with DN and Cecelius.

 

The past is the past, we all have varying histories and if you want to know someone's sexual past, you better be prepared for the answer. Perhaps he was not totally forthcoming until now as he did not want to hurt you, knew you would react badly, or felt that was the past, you were the NOW.

 

My partner and I are very aware we have had other partners in the past, and have a general idea of whom from knowing our past lives, however the details are IRRELEVANT to us, we are with EACH other, what matters is we are each other's last and now only partner. I honestly think it usually does more bad then good for many people.

 

Part of loving someone enough to spend the rest of your life with them, is also accepting whom they are, where they have been - you have a history I am sure you want him to accept, and he only deserves the same.

 

If you cannot accept that, and will resent him for it, and always bring this up, it is best you let him go so he can meet someone whom will accept and love him for whom he is. Resentment, jealousy and an inability to let go of the the past will destroy a relationship.

[Hope75]

Agreed with DN & RayKay.

 

What your bf did in the past is none of your business just as what you did in the past is none of his business.

 

If you are concerned that you are at risk for STD's, you should be protecting yourself when you have sex, and if it comes to the point where you want to have unprotected sex, you should both be screened and go from there.

 

If you don't love him for who he is now, and that is someone who loves you and is faithful to you, then let him go and let him find someone who accepts him for him, not for what he did before you.

[dimp62003]

it's not that i'm mad at him for what he did. i still love him and i still would have gone out with him if he would have told me. its just i much rather would hear something from him, as he would from me, and not from somebody else. and the thing that makes me mad is that he lied striaght to my face for 2 years and it makes me think about things that have happened in the past....like he lied to me and went out to my cuz's house, who doesn't like me and she likes him and she would or did try stuff with him. and there has just been comments that he has made about that night that have just got me thinking now. b/c he said that the only reason that them 2 girls and him had a 3some was b/c they were drunk...well when he went out to my cuz's house she had a friend out there who likes him too and they all were drunk...so im just questioning everything i guess

[Hope75]

If you don't trust him now that is a separate issue. You need to talk with him about how you feel. If he gets defensive or angry, you probably have something to worry about.

 

If he reassures you that he loves you and only you and that you are who he wants to be with, than you need to decide if you believe him and if you do, let this go and try to have an honest relationship.

 

Did you consider that maybe he didn't tell you about this past experience because he didn't want to hurt you and he prefers not to think about it anymore?

[dimp62003]

he told me that he never said anything b/c the girls didn't want anybody to know b/c well the one girl was going out with his best friend at the time. but i'm just freaked out b/c i thought that he had always told me everything and never lied or left anything out.

i understand where everybody is coming from about how i dont need to know everything cuz its in the past...but if he would have slept with like my sister or something i would never go for him. i just personaly like to know things like this always have...or what if somebody slept with somebody that you know has an std...you wouldn't sleep with them if you know that right...just things like this is nice to know you know

[Hope75]

what if somebody slept with somebody that you know has an std...you wouldn't sleep with them if you know that right..

 

That's why you always use condoms every time and if it gets serious and you decide you want to have sex without condoms you both get tested for STD's.

 

There is always that risk, and often STD's carry no outward symptoms so the person carrying it can pass it on without even knowing they have it.

 

If your bf knew he had an STD than yes it would be his obligation to tell you that, but he would not need to go into detail about who he got it from or what they did.

 

If you are more upset about the lying to you part than you have to be the one to decide if you can trust him and move past this or if you want to leave him over it. Personally, he didn't tell you b/c it was a part of his past and the girls didn't want it getting around and he was probably done with it as well, so if I were you I would let it go.

 

There's no reason to be jealous of things he did before he was with you.

[DN]

At least you can set your mind at rest about one aspect of the relationship:

 

If you ever break up with him you will know that he will be reluctant to talk to a new girlfriend about his sexual activities with you.

 

Of course, she might pressure him about it as much as you have and he might cave in and tell her all that private stuff - just as he eventually caved in and told you about private things he did with other girls.

 

If you are fortunate, perhaps they won't be as insecure as you seem to be and won't press the issue as much as you have.

[Vert]

After dating my ex-gf for about a month she revealed to me that she had HPV about 5 years ago but she'd had negative paps since then. We did research together and talked to doctors that said it was a very minor thing, and after I decided not to drop her she was so enthralled with me (now she dumps me a little while ago... go figure). I think as long as you discuss it openly, honestly, and learn what the STD/VD is about then you're being responsible. I didn't expect my ex-gf to tell me about all the men she's slept with, but if I found out later without her telling me then it would be my responsibility to contact all my ex-partners and let them know I had it.

[DN]

I trhink it is eminently sensible to discuss the possibility of STDs before you sleep with someone. But it is not neceesary to know all the details of someone's prior sex life, or who was involved, in order to do that.

[Cecelius]

I just wanted to clarify that my opinion is NOT that you don't have a right to know -- you have a right to whatever you want. Whether you can get it or not is a different issue. I have no qualms about the idea that the past DOES in some sense affect whether you think your prospective SO is right for you. Personally, I don't date girls who've been around the block too much.

 

But I think that asking about it is goofy, since it just puts ideas into your head that weren't there. I refrain from asking: the skeletons usually just start popping out.