What to say when sorry isnt enough?

[neva_black_n_white]

Hey everyone.

Sometimes as i read over this site, i realise how many people are victims of one thing or another. May it be pain from a relationship, a loss or something that just really gets them down.

 

Im not proud, but im here to be the opposite today. I hurt someone really bad, and id like those of you (if you will) whove felt similar pain from someone else to tell me what to do when sorry just isnt enough?

 

Is there anything i can do?

 

Kell.

[neva_black_n_white]

I thought i should post two responces, 1 for those who like things in short hand and another for those who like detail:

 

 

long:

Believe it or not i hurt them around 2 years ago, how neive you might think, or maybe selfish to ask now. But, thats the thing, i hurt him two years ago but he didnt feel the effect till now.

 

I'll set the scene.

 

2 years ago, i was in a relationship, something i started. I dont usually pursue too many males, so this was different for me - to approach him. He wasnt my regular type, but thats what i needed, i mean the rest used an abused me. So, this was him, Kris.

 

He was a little shy, not that he wanted to be, he just needed someone to burst his bubble and let him loose.

 

That was me.

 

We were pretty much the pinicle of a "perfect" couple. He helped me grow, and well i helped him get out.. he was a gamer and indoors and computers was what he loved. So.

 

Anyway, he accused me of cheating only 4 months into the relationship, and it all broke off. I hadnt cheated, he was the one with girls calling, i guess it broke off because it upset me, that it tried so hard never to hurt him and hed believed what others had let/led him to think.

 

But anyway. We sorted things, the trust wasnt there and he was all "im sorry. i shouldnt have accused you, but you know where i was coming from" type of thing. So, after all that we were mates. Great ones at that.

 

You always get the line about "you cant be mates if youve been in a relationship". But ill tell you now, we tried defying that.

 

He started dating a mate of mine, and well i started seeing a mate of his. But it wasnt good for us, it was something we shouldnt have started. I mean despite being a part, we looked as thought we were together, with the absense of anything sexual obviously.

 

So i guess we carried on as if we were perfect, just. he got hurt when my mate ended it with him and i carried on with his mate.

 

Anyway, thats not where it went wrong. We were great, parties we had a laugh. TOGETHER. Nights out we had a laugh. TOGETHER. Talks which were personal, and advice. WE DID TOGETHER. we became a non together yet together couple.

 

Still, he went to a different high ed, and we split off for a while. We ended on good terms, but bad stuff went down during the four months that we didnt speak (for the both of us). So times between contact became greater.

 

Soon enough, it had been a year really, between meeting, i mean yeah, we saw each other about 4 times in the year. But even i know thats not enough.

 

so Sunday two weeks ago, he came round to mine. I thought it was great, Id rang him only a week before, he wasnt in. But i was amazed to see him at my front door.

 

He wasnt himself, not long before, hed told me and a group of friends where to get off, because of the no contact, and his new girlfriend lea wasnt working out. So you could imagine, i was ecstatic to see him. I knew he needed time to cool off and i thought that was over.

 

Anyway it wasnt, people had been trying to split him and his girlfriend up. I wasnt there to help. So instead, of remembering me for the friend id become after the relationship.

 

The first words were, "it took me six months to get over you" i was the ex, who was still with his mate.

 

How stupid of me, i must have noticed at some point, how hard it had been for him to watch me and his mate grow whilst us two slowly part... we used to always say "one day me and you might work out again", jokingly, of course. Just i guess really, deep down we both wanted it.

 

I dont know, its besides the point.

 

Anyway, during the time hed been getting anonymous phone calls, and people tyring to split him and his girl up, i was the first to ring and leave a name (as i said about me calling) so he presumed it was me calling. So here he was, right infront of me. Accusing me.

 

He realised my honesty was always bright and i wouldnt do that to him, so it was okay, but he was still bitter. we spoke for hours, he stoud there with tears in his eyes, i was crying, and i realised. Id done this.

 

 

This was my pain coming round and biting me on the Arse. Why did i not talk to him? Why was i not there for him? Why did i not spend the time to do that? WHy had i pushed him away?

 

And do you know what. by the end of the day, it was him saying "i feel like the most evil person alive" no... i deserted him at the wrong time. How can i sort that?

 

He doesnt ever want to see me and his old friends again, but something he said, alot of things he said, made me feel like he was trapped.

 

He was sad to see how i felt, he didnt want me to care, to make it simpler but i did. I guess whilst i thought the door was always open, despite not talking for a while, he was thinking i was closing the door.

 

how can i be so stupid to let myself lose someone i love?

 

thats probably the most confusing post, i wasnt sure what to say, and for those who have read it..i think there is a lot missing. He didnt want to hurt me the day he turned up, but from way back, id hurt him. I deserved what he said, but sorry isnt enough for me to explain why i wasnt there.

 

i think its too late for any more chances. is it?

 

thanks, kelx

[Tigris]

It depends what you've done. Give me a clue?

[avman]

Well without knowing more about the situation is it tough to advise you. But in general, there are two things that will help someone forgive you. Actions and Time.

 

Saying your sorry is a good first step. But showing that you are sorry is even more important. Words are words, but actions are actions. If someone can see you truly taking an active part in trying to see that you never do anything like that again that has much more of an impact than you just saying you won't hurt them again.

 

Most important, time is an important ally Forgiveness takes time. Sometimes it takes a long time. The person who is hurt needs to sort through their feelings and go through the grieving process. Everybody goes through it at a different rate and it depends on the seriousness of the transgression. Be patient. Give the person the time and space they need.

 

I hope this helps.

[neva_black_n_white]

Shorthand:

 

I managed to let someone down ( AGAIN ) that i love. when they needed me the most. Enough that they dont want to see me and the old group of friends anymore. But, i was neive to see it happening, i thought i was leaving doors open but he thought id left him behind.

 

Basically, i didnt see them enough during the year, but at one particular point it was for a straight 4 months we werent in contact. so instead of seeing me as a friend he remembered me as the ex that hurt him. His relationship with his girlfriend was falling apart because of some different friends. He was scared to be hurt again, and cut of all old ties.

 

I guess, the long version explains more.

Thanks again. kell

[neva_black_n_white]

Thanks Avman.

 

This is a little tricky though. There arent many ways of communicating with him. He changed his numbers and his email address etc. When i say, cut off from people i truly mean cut off from people. Its like looking for a someone who doesnt want to be found.

 

 

His new girlfriend stopped seeing her friends, and he stopped seeing his, its just the two of them (which i personally know, is not what he wants, but i know that he doesnt want to lose her too). So theres no means of asking for him. Turning up at his home may not be too tactical because it could cause issues with his girlfriend, and thats not what im trying to do.

 

i know he doesnt want this. i just left things too late for him to admit it.

[avman]

Oh, well that explains things.

 

I think all you can do right now is give it time. He needs to heal from your relationship and it sounds like he has really never done that.

 

I don't know whether the friendship is salvagable. Sometimes it is not. I hate to be harsh but I would suspect that the only thing that will save the friendship is if you do not date his friend anymore. I'm not suggesting that you do that, but that seems to be the trigger that is still causing him pain.

 

He may just need to move on. Give him the time he needs and just let him know that you are there if he is ready to talk.

[Tigris]

'It takes two to tango' you know! He could have contacted you when he realised you hadn't kept in touch. By the sounds of it he's trying to put the blame for everything on your shoulders and you're falling for it.

 

You've already said your sorry. If you get in touch with him now you could jeopardise his relationship with his girlfriend. Do you want him to blame you for something else?

 

Finally, if something happens with his relationship he knows where you live. I think you should leave him in peace and let him decide what he wants. When he's ready he'll find you.

 

Take care of yourself.

[neva_black_n_white]

Hes not one of those people who you can say "the doors always open" it needs to be more visual, he needs to feel it. Too many times words have been said with no meaning. Alot of people have hurt him, i should have remembered that and put it into action.

 

Ive been with my boyfriend for over a year and 6 months, its not something that i can end, nor would i want to. But Kris isnt someone i want to lose.

 

Hes one of the people i could open up to, and also shut up and listen to. He amazes you in ways you wouldnt think about. Hes creative and i dont know. Looking at old pictures, reading conversation, theres no one quite like us when were together.

 

I guess the past is the past, but im not one of those people to leave it behind. This is my mess and i must clear it up. Its just one of those operation games, a small move in the wrong direction can cause you so much damage, tactical planning is what i need. I mean im good at laughing at things, at myself and brushing it off. But i dont want to, doesnt that say something?

 

BUT at the same time, changing your numbers etc .. like he has, doesnt that say something?

 

Maybe this is one too many things we cant overcome. And ill tell you now, weve overcome alot.

 

I guess, its a gamble ive got to take. Either do what he asked and doubt that he meant it when he said we need to walk away. OR Possibly pursue and either gain respect back and show him how i feel, or just screw him up again because its not what he wanted.

 

Do you know when you know someone? and you know that that someone is doing something that they dont want to do and its hurting them? But you just dont know if its right to stop them. this is this.

 

And i created it.

 

i keep thinking to myself, hes stubborn...maybe its that. Or maybe it is what i said in the title...too much for a sorry to cover.

[neva_black_n_white]

Tigris.

 

Your right, and i dont want to be blamed for anything that happens with his girlfriend.

 

Just when you say, leave him to come to me if anything happens, its unlikely. We saw how each other were on the day he turned up, he wouldnt come to mine for the mere fact that hed think hes hurt me too much.

 

Its almost like we cant hate each other, but sometimes we just cant stand each other and it ends up in situations like this. Usuaully we have a way of resolving it - just this time there isnt a way, without causing more harm i think.

 

i dont want to give up.

[Tigris]

You're analyzing too much! I do that too. It gets us nowhere.

 

Actions speak louder than words. Hasn't he shown you that by changing his phone no., etc. Please leave him in peace. Let him see if this girl means anything to him. He has to 'grow' and be comfortable with himself. He shouldn't rely on you for everything or you'll end up mothering him.

 

If you were meant to be together fate will throw you back together!

 

Meet other guys until then.

 

Take care of yourself.

[neva_black_n_white]

Ok.

 

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

I know i analyse too much.

Like i had to take two times to respond to your message. I guess i like to have a balance, i like two sides, and i prefer to be hopeful when i dont get a hopeful responce and then critical if its juust too good to be true.

 

Its hard to walk away from someone, i mean maybe he saw me as walking away but there was a lot happening in the time we didnt speak. It shouldnt be an excuse at all but its hard to watch something walk past and not give it a reason. To me this seems out of the blue, maybe it isnt for him.

 

I dont need to look for anyone, im in a relationship. Im not looking to be back with him, im looking for his friendship again.

[Tigris]

Think of it as not walking away but having a short rest. He needs time to heal his wounds.

 

Just concentrate on your new fella for now.

 

Relax, enjoy yourself and have fun.

 

As I said before if you meant to get back in touch fate will throw you together.

 

Take care and look after yourself.

[neva_black_n_white]

Hes not a new fella, hes been here a long time, I dont want to be back with him in the sense of together, i just dont want him to not be a part of me. I keep my friends close, i thought he was one of them.

 

Anyway. im not going to debate, its likely your right.

 

Sometimes i dont listen when things are right you know? just because i dont like the sound of it.

 

But thanks.

me.

[Tigris]

Don't worry about it we're all the same!

 

Take care.

[neva_black_n_white]

If were all the same then why do we bother to let it happen.

Your advice has been helpful for me, thankyou.

 

But "Dont worry" wont go far, he made an impact that wasnt expected, not many perople actually make a true impact on others lives. Its hard to not worry when that one person walks on by and you sense something wrong.

 

Its hard for me to elaborate, I dont need a responce..I think im in a debating mood, so its not helping.

 

Take care.

[shorty20]

I think maybe it would make you feel better just to apologize and explain your situation a little to him, and that you were sorry you couldn't/wern't there for him. If you know where he lives, write him a letter. Tell him you've always thought of him as a friend, and it saddens you that you guys aren't friends anymore. If you leave the ball in his court and let him do the decision making, by sending him a letter you'll know that you did what you could to apologize, make things right, and leave the door open for him to contact you. Hope i helped!!

[SadnConfused]

If everything you say about him is true, fight for him. Dont let go. It sounds like deep down you want to keep him around for some reason. You can find out his number, you can send letters, you can send him nice things. Dont give up on it. Even if it is just friendship, dont give up if you want to speak with him. Someday you will both appreciate it. If you feel like this now, imagine how you will feel years down the road when you think what if.... what if I had tried a little harder.... where would we be today....

[Meow18]

There isn't much you can do. If he's wanting to leave the past in the past and his old friends in the past, then you have to respect that. Just let him know you are sorry and that if he ever needs anything, you will be there. Other than that, you might just push him away more.

 

I can understand why it's so hard on you. He was a great friend and had a big impact on your life, who wants to lose someone like that??

 

It's obviously hurting the both of you. It's hurting him to see you with someone else and it's hurting you to know that that is hurting him. Neither of you will feel better if this continues to happen.

 

To me it seems like he's doing this because he doesn't want to hurt anymore by seeing you with someone else? Maybe I'm wrong. But if you are happy in your relationship now, then not much can be done. Either he just has to deal with the pain, or not deal with the pain anymore. It seems like he's choosing to not deal with it.

[SadnConfused]

You are all too young to see what is even going on here. Seriously, save the messages you type today and look at them at 27 or 30 years old. You will be amazed...

[neva_black_n_white]

maggie18 i completely see where your coming from. Yesterday i doubt i was in the mood to consider what you say. I guess for the sake of us both i need to take the same step he has (back). Its not one of the things top of my list but in some sense it could make him happier, thats what im aiming for right?

 

I intend to show him the doors open but im not going to be a burden!

your helped loads. thanks.

 

Kell

[neva_black_n_white]

SadnConfused:

 

you said

You are all too young to see what is even going on here

 

 

I dont agree with this. Maybe you could elaborate? When exactly, in your eyes, am i old enough to discover a true friend? One worth fighting for? You obviously dont think its now.

 

Im not attempting to be aggressive in any form, just ive battled a long time to be respected because of age, id like to understand.

 

Thankyou.

[Meow18]

You are all too young to see what is even going on here. Seriously, save the messages you type today and look at them at 27 or 30 years old. You will be amazed...

 

I don't doubt that in 10 years I will think differently than I do now. But in the long run, age has nothing to do with anything. That's like saying you have to be a certain age before you can fall in love. It's about how you are feeling, not how old you are. Besides, I know some 15 year olds who can give a lot better advice than some 30 year olds.